bea hive

hide under your own shadow

2012-01-18T22:14:00.003+01:00

i started to speak and act exactly the way i feel in that particular moment. i was trying to see if i can really be free of all the social paradigms and rules, to see how it feels to be FREE. and it is absolutely amazing! of course i still have a long way to go, and i am not completely free at all, but at least i am trying to verbally express my thoughts.
the second thing is, that i see people don't take me seriously. because of course they are not used to recieving the truth from another being. and they think everything is just words and jokes. but the funny part is that they're not. so you see, i am telling them the truth, and they think i am not. what a paradox. but when i draw the line, i think it is the best thing i can do to myself nevertheless. being truthfull is sometimes hard, but also liberating. and what is more precious than letting go of that heavy burden on our mental backs. you should definitely try it yourself!

change is good.

2012-01-14T15:24:00.003+01:00

it is simply not enough, all that i do. still not enough to make me feel quiet. i'm restless. i'm like a shark that needs to move, or else it dies. i need new ideas, i need new fresh wind inside my lungs. every moment, time and time again....restless is my soul. i'm afraid of this power inside me. i'm afraid something might happen, that i really, really want. what would my life be, if i had it all. i feel the glimpse of that freedom and i'm scared for where it might take me. and it always comes to me every once in a while, when i spend a couple of days at home. usualy it is due to illness. and people say to me, get rest, you work too much, you have too many things in your life. reduce your life to less things and take care of your health. really?? reduce my life to work and my house? you're kidding me? please tell me, that you don't really mean that. with all this energy that starts to boost inside of me i should quietly ignore it and sit still in my office!? is that how it works?
and my illness..is it really due to my overcrowded schedule? or is it because the schedule is set on wrong basis? maybe i just need to change something, not reduce, but change? change is good right? change is good. it gives me hope. so much hope and so much new energy. i want to change.

free

2012-01-12T22:50:00.004+01:00

every day is a new begining, and yet every day is a result of yesterday's doings. what i do today, i shall harvest tommorow. thus i live this moment rejoicing tommorow's harvesting. i do not wait for tommorow, it will come without my attention, i do not think about yesterday, for today is its fruit. what i want is always here and now, because i wanted it yesterday, it is here today. and if i harvest my crops with joy and in abundance, thus will be also tommorow's harvest. full of joy, happiness and freedom. but if i pick my fruit with anger and resentment, that will be what i produce for my future. my body knows my limits and my soul knows my deepest desires. together they guide me safely through the stroms of everyday. have faith in yourself for you are your own god. trust your emotions, for they guide you better than your sight and your smell. eyes can deceive you, if beauty is rotten in its core, and smell deceives you if an apple smells nice but is poisonous. but your emotions..they never let you down for what your soul tells you, it is what you really want. it doesn't mean you will one day not suffer, because of that, but worse is to regret something you have missed or did not do, than to be richer for an experience from which you have learned a lesson. open yourself to your soul. open the doors you have shut long ago. reconcile with yourself and you shall find peace. because everything will come back in order.

brave coward

2011-12-15T15:31:00.003+01:00

hello my sweet friend, blank page. hello my sweet sadness, my sweet loneliness. hello, hello. oh, i feel so nostalgic last few days. so fragile, so innocent. i am hiding behind big words and heavy songs, but no sound can reach the vast emptiness i feel inside. i guess it's time, it's time for something to happen. for something to move and to change. my soul is restless and i can feel it the moment i close my doors and rest in my bed. but there is no rest for me. dreams are constantly waking me up, waking my spirit and telling him long forgotten stories about the beginning of time. i am waking up in tears, because i am remembering. and when i am awake i am crying, because i can not tell anyone about it. i am alone.

a lonely dancer without a stage to dance on. what does it all matter anyway. talking and dreaming and writing and thinking, if living has no purpose. if my life is like a farce because i am too afraid to take chances, because i am a coward, hiding behind the comfortable everyday. but truly inside i am crying for freedom. crying because i know it is so complicated to explain it to anyone that i do not even try. and i have gotten used to my loneliness, too comfortable i sit within it. and when someone comes along trying to pull me out of my safety zone, all my alarms go ON! danger, danger...change is about to happen..alert! and immediately i freeze and jump back, lock my doors and curiously watch through the closed window what is going on outside. no risk, no disappointment, no problem. and everything is under control. my control. way to go, you brave girl. i love you so much.

peak point

2011-10-31T11:40:00.003+01:00

it's been a while. changes are happening big time and other channels of expression opening for my creativity of writing which i have never enjoyed more than i do in this time. but yet, this is my personal blog and only here can i say thing or two about what's going on inside me. yet i am starting to question my existence. in a sense that my life is merely a farse with all the dramas that are happening at the moment. well now that i think about it, last 9 years there have always been some dramas, just not connected directly to me. i am trying so hard to see the big picture, because i simply don't believe that by doing good, you can attract bad. and i guess all this happening around me may be consequence of clearing my subconsciousness and letting go of things that have in the past prevent me from rising up and take my full potential. After getting to know certain people in my life that i feel so connected now, i have come across a book that was waiting for me. i have read a lot of them, and all of them were meant to be sent on my way..but i feel as if this last one is like the cherry on top! i also know that symbols in our lives are many times a product that we produce when wanting to see certain signs. but in this case...the book is telling me about things i have in past time experienced and sometimes not knowing or understanding them. it is clearing my picture, slowly but persistently. this book is about everything. it is about who am i. where have i come from. what is my purpose. what are my assignments. why my life is as it is and what is going to happen. and no matter how many books similar to this i have read...this one is special merely because i believe it even if i don't understand a lot of what is written. because within this exsistence on Earth inside my physical body, there are many things i can not yet understand. and i know i will in the future. i am calm. and at the same time i get this moments of fear of what is happening around me. the one thing that confuses me is, how exactly am i to manage my life if everything is just a story that has really nothing to do with who i truly am beneath all this layers. i know i was supposed to go through all this in order to understand the rest of the humanity, but now that i'm starting to wake up from this crazy dream i have thought of my life, i can no longer combine both worlds, both levels...it confuses me big time actually. i didn't even realise until now, how confusing all this is for me. i have always functioned without any particular guidance, but in this moment of my life is feel as if i truly am on a breakthrough point and i just don't know how to continue. for the first time i need guidance and i know that there is nothing bad in asking for one.

for-give yourself first

2011-10-05T14:08:00.006+02:00

still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.

con FUSION

2011-10-01T11:21:00.003+02:00

i know that after every overwhelming and intense state of mind, there comes a time when you subconsciously react to all that over-potential. To that i would also add my fast living during the week, and we have to have something to stop us and makes us start breathing normally. Sometimes i am seriously tired of my 'consciousness' for it brings me rather a burden than freedom, but then again i guess that is then not the right type of consciousness or what. i am tired of constantly being aware of everything that is happening around me, about always thinking about it and analysing what am i suppose to think now, how am i to react and why. this mind is still so strong that it makes me tired. and i know that sometimes the best time to be really free is when you're simply too tired to do anything so you just automatically let go and 'voila' there you have it, your breakthrough moment. but so far it hasn't happen to me yet, well in smaller intervals, but no long term reaction. i am still to eager to GET IT, that i probably won't still get it for some time. but that's the fun part...get what??understand what?? sometimes i don't know anymore. i feel lost. sometimes i just rather not think about anything and hide in my cosy bed, doing nothing, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. i guess it's when i am kinda getting my balance back. why is it that when i write, it is all so clear to me, it is as if i understand the order of this universe. but then in my real life i sometimes feel like i've failed on my exam. yeah sure, the theory is easy, you read a couple of books, you watch some videos on you tube and resolve some issues in your life and then think you have it all, you're on top of the world, better than those people from your past you ran away from. but are you really topshit material after all that?? hell no! because you still think about it, still think about them, you still compete in a way to be better, to laugh louder, to look more pretty, to have more friends, to wear prettier clothes. all that stupid stuff that will never make you truly happier and free. what a waste of energy. i guess in a way i expect too much from myself. when all i really need is focus on my inner self and resolve the unresolved, meaning LET GO of the past. with all the things i've already 'processed' in my life, i still have one big thing to work on. and until that one shall not be resolved i will probably never forgive myself. it is a paradox actually, being hurt by someone and then not forgiving yourself, because you are simply not capable of forgiving them.
yes, i am a loud person, energetic in my everyday action...but how i wish to thrive that peacefulness that is so calming and secure. how i wish i would be able to gain it and keep it inside. i am a person of extremes and my biggest goal to achieve is to be able to constantly flow somewhere at least close to peaceful mind and have confidence that no matter what happens, i will always be strong enough to stay balanced.

over welhming feeling

2011-09-09T21:24:00.002+02:00

to tell you honestly...i have this premonition. i don't know what it means and sometimes i am afraid of it. but the thing is that what i am trying to do in my life is to let life run through me and accept all the changes. practice what you preach i always say...and that is exactly my intention here. i am getting from theory to experiential level, we have to move in order to change anything. experience what life is really trying to tell you and believe that life always and forever only brings what is good for you. your life shall never do anything to harm you, if and when that happens we are doing it ourselves. we alone are preventing for things to happen to us. we alone are letting suffering come into our mind and body. it is essential to understand that if we want to move and change it.
my premonition is getting stronger now and at the same time i am starting to do more things that i love in my life. things that make me happy, full of energy and give me inner strength. people that don't see me often say to me on the street i look good, i look strong, i look brave....why? how can they tell if they don't see me everyday and don't know what's going on in my life!? well, i will tell you how...because my inner strength reflects on my outside. and isn't that on it's own evidence that is strong enough to convince you i am doing the right thing, i am walking on the right path and knocking on right doors? what else do i need to prove me right? i am always saying to myself that i am getting there, but am not there yet. and sometimes i feel as if i don't let myself get to the end. i don't allow myself manifest the ultimate wishes, goals, desires...manifest my whole. why? because i am thinking more about filling the gaps of what 'seems' to be right for me and leaving the other small parts open and unfulfilled but yet those 'small' parts of me are the true reflection of my soul. it all clears out while putting it into words here on the blog. so simple...listen to your soul, listen to your soul is what they say...but in this world of the ruling Mind with big M, it is dangerous to let your soul out for it can be ripped apart by all those hungry and needy carnivores that beg for even a slight piece of peace, calmness happiness, creativity, passion that they can not get from themselves. luckily i was raised to grow up into this very naive and gentle being that hides underneath a tough looking and strong woman. a perfect combination to fight the enemy, but fight with love, compassion and positivity. totally unexpected tools of attack. my teachers are the most innocent and enlightened ordinary beings around me. my teachers are everywhere, because i can see them in everything. one who is awaken and searches for his teachers, they can be found. the one who is blind for it, he shall not see them even if they are standing in front of him waving their hands.

vipassana

2011-08-28T12:37:00.004+02:00

it is Sunday. the hot days are seemingly over or at least for today so i can again focus on things. seems like as if the heat and the power of the planet sun is kind of distracting us from being focused. today is the first day i feel calm and peaceful inside myself again as if waking from a chaotic dream of past few days. i love quiet moments in my home, with distant sounds of other families and friends doing their everyday things, with pleasant tingling sound of my dreamcatcher above my bed and my keyboard when i press letters of future words that are to be published on my blog. but it's quiet, so quiet. so fulfilling.
since i came from vipassana i have been sort of avoiding big crowds of people. i do not want to sound as if i this experience totally changed my life and that now i am enlightened or in any way better than someone who does not have this kind of experience, but the truth is... it changes you. even though i am not a perfect vipassana student now that i have come home and i do not practice my meditation everyday, i am different. and of course it is logical, if i would not change, what is the point of going to this kind of places. it is a beautiful thing. it is a comforting thing. knowing that there is a possibility that one can truly end the suffering, and all it takes is being with oneself and understand what is causing it. two hours of meditation per day, is that a high price to pay to be happy? is it? it is not! surely one must have self discipline to preserve this habit and to practice it everyday. but all this is nothing in comparison for what you get and how you feel afterwards. i get so overwhelmed talking and thinking about it. and i know all this shall pass, as everything else does. and that is the thing that we are to understand and accept. all this shall pass, nothing in this world remains and nothing is important. and thy truth is only your perception, if one is able to take the lenses off their eyes and just see thing as they are, it is the most precious gift we can give to ourselves. so simple. and yet so hard. are we able to get out of this box and at least have a peak over the edge? just for a moment, are we capable of percieving the world around us in a totally different manner? and after giving it a try and if realizing that it is the ultimate truth, can we let go of our previous beliefs and by that maybe needing to change our lives? it takes a strong will and commitment, but the reward is hundred times more precious. and after our decision, it is only what is natural and what we should have done long before, but were unable due to our scenario that was given to us by our ancestors, society. and one asks who am i? am i an individual? am i a part of a group? we are all individuals belonging to a greater oneness. when peace is seeded inside our hearts, the question vanishes. my individuum that was before my ego dies and what is left is my consciousness that is a part of oneness. i don't feel any need to identify myself with my body, things, situations, people...there is no fear that i will vanish and there will be no trace of me when my body dies. for there is only love. and love and compassion are energy and energy does not vanish. energy just transforms.

i wish may every person find this feeling inside him. in whatever way.

seasonal clearance

2011-07-25T22:52:00.005+02:00

why is it so hard to accept things as they are. it is the one most simple thing in the world, and yet we can not manage to overcome our urge to change, evaluate, comment almost everything that happens in our lives.

many times i have come to this point, where i almost clearly understood with my heart what it means to accept the moment as it is and embrace it, but yet i did not manage to hold that feeling inside me for longer time. it always comes as a glimpse and quickly passes away. but it gives me hope. hope to continue doing what i do and searching the way i do, because i know that it is the exactly what i wish to achieve. i am a hunter. and my prey is that enormous overwhelming freedom that comes every now and then. i know i have my mistakes and i know i probably could do it some other way which would be easier and quicker..but then again, here i am again resisting the moment as it is, by evaluating my deeds as bad and not effective. one simple thing that i have come to a knowledge is that every time and i mean every time, when something happens that makes me feel overwhelmed or sad or nervous...simply out of balance..i take a deep breath and it helps. that is the first step. it is so funny how some things that i have read in the books or heard somewhere, are starting to come to practice in my daily OM as i might call it. after some time i realize that i actually do things subconsciously that are helping me reach my goal..and that is to become more in tune with myself. and i try to be alert and awake for every possible 'hint' that i can get that could help me achieve it. people always amaze me, but also amuse me. they are sometimes like my exercise tools for me to grow. what they do, affects me and i kind of just react to their actions and understand it as my exercise. it has nothing to do with them actually. it is as if i would be playing this game alone and all the people around me are my playground toys. this may sound very non personal but there is nothing bad in this. i simply try to erase the story behind it. and that story is often making us blind. and that story is too often addicting us from seeing clearly.

hopefully the journey that i am taking now in two days will help me clear my way so that i can see clearly and hear what silence is telling me. ten days in silence, surely i will hear something.

stop, take a breath

2011-07-05T22:19:00.005+02:00

there must be something seriously wrong with this world..or better said, with the society. because the way i see it, we are gasping for air..we are probably the only specie that is evolving towards its extinction. everything is turned upside down. aren't we supposed to go the other way. i mean it is not all so dark and grey, of course there is evolution going on, but at the same time we constantly need dangerous cliffs, over which we constantly are falling. we need radical situations to wake us up and make us go the other, safer way. why are there mostly smaller groups of people around that are starting doing something, before it is too late to save ourselves. why is it that the majority is always one step behind the minority?? is it so hard to look over the crowd, outside the box and realize that there is something more than only gasping..that we were actually made to breathe with full lungs, but in long period of time we simply forgot or what? we seriously need to learn how to breathe again. and i mean this metaphorically and metaphysically. stop. hello.

nice talking to myself

2011-06-28T21:23:00.005+02:00

lately my life is one test after another..i know we should take responsibility for our actions and understand that things do not happen without us having call them into our lives..but it is amazing how open your mind has to be in order to have everything under control. and i do not mean control as if in controlling and managing everything that goes on around you, but to be able to understand it at the very first moment when situation emerges. to understand why certain things are happening and before you jump in it, to stop and have a moment of silence and just breathe, look around you and then act. if any action is needed at all.

and when the moment comes, when one does not feel a need to say anything, because that situation already passed, and next NOW is here, and next NOW, and next....that is when you know what all those other people are telling you.

and this is what i am learning and accepting right now. it does not mean that i will never be upset or sad or disappointed. but it definitely means i will be disappointed less time and things and people will not upset or hurt me so many times. i really, really understand that now. i mean i still fight with my thoughts in my head. but i know what are they trying to push me into. so many times i want to say something, when i think someone is wrong or my opinion is completely different from other person..but less and less i actually say it. because if you think about it, it does not have any meaning at all, because i can already predict how the conversation will continue and i know i do not like the direction it is probably going to go. so i leave it there. i smile and look away.
because there is simply no need in having to share words if their meaning is totally misused. words are over ratted i have read somewhere. and i could not agree more. even when i write a blog i sometimes simply erase text, after all i am writing it for myself on the first place. and if by writing i clear stuff in my head that i had to resolve for my personal sake, it is not necessary to leave them written on screen. just like talking.

the deepest truths are found inside ourselves, and nobody can go there with you.

miss tearious

2011-06-26T23:05:00.004+02:00

after a lot of noise there is always time for silence. i so honor these moments that i have only for myself. being able to just breathe silently and gently flow through the world, having no goal to reach or assignment to do. just walking with mere peace inside. and how quickly i forget how precious those moments are and how fulfilling. i am a person of sound and laughter, but i need silence and i need it badly. it is of course the simple law of balance. as this old capoeira song goes 'eu tenho balanço, eu sou mandingueiro' ...it is of course talking about completely different balance, but i am a mandinguiera of life and i know that balance is one of the crucial things for me to function normally.
today i was at this bossa nova concert and it was as if someone would caress me with sound. and the beat was perfect, not to fast not to slow and the volume of the band was perfect..again my soul was starting to get that saudade feeling that i always get when i hear something that has to do with brasil. i know my heart is somewhere there. i just have to go and find it. and afterwards i meet this brasilian mestre and the words just came to me as if the language was mine. this deep connection is one of great mysteries in my life. and it's great to have some mystery. the unexplainable things make your mind active and fresh.

full of thankness

2011-06-22T22:43:00.004+02:00

i wanted to talk about something completely else as it is going to turn out now. being in this search quest for the past year i have met some amazing and interesting people. and as it so happens i have met two more today. i know it was not an accident or coincidence of any kind, but more of a normal flow that i now give out to the world. i meet people that i want and they meet me. i was inspired and now i just had a moment of lost and found...and i am talking about my long forgotten poetic writing gift. i mean i am writing a blog all this time and i had kept a diary before that..but i have stopped writing poems and poetic texts as i had used to. and by today's meeting i got inspired. something woke up inside me again. my creativity was obviously sleeping for quite some time now. but i feel it has to come out. it is emerging and calling me to come and dig it out of my consciousness. i am thankful for this day. i am thankful for this people. and i am thankful that i am able to sense all this and understand it for only with this subtle senses i am able to evolve what was brought back to me.

limitless...with less limits

2011-06-08T22:37:00.002+02:00

limitless possibilities...what an unimaginable phrase. yet they've made a movie about it. it did make me think a lot about what a man is capable of. but i mean truly capable, without any chemical or natural substances. i believe in genius human consciousness..in all its glory and size! i really do. but i also believe that drugs can help you open a door or two for a quick look in that world, that is for a moment or maximum a couple of hours. i myself am not a big fan of drugs or even a user for that matter. i guess i just like to keep things under control and maybe in a way make it the hard way...also the safer one i think. but this movie was good in all aspects...showing the positive side of human capabilities that we actually all poses, we're just not aware of them...and the negative side of artificial stimulants..meaning what is not of human body and mind, shall never prevail because eventually the body will eject the intruder. even at the end of the movie one does not know, whether the man was telling the truth when he said he's clean and he just started to use his mind the way he did while on drugs, or was he still taking the magic pills that made his dreams come true.
the 'mistake' in the movie was only one thing...as the law of balance works...there can be no un-balanced energy that will last for long. that is exactly why quick business of any kind is also a quick failure. simply because there was too much of a potential on one side.
i would like to believe..as a matter of fact I DO believe that we are capable of doing this without any drugs and i can confirm that what you need is conscious awareness and a will that you want to change. one of important things that we forget is that wishing is not enough...pro-activity is a very important part of reaching a goal. and once you become proactive results start to show and opportunities to reach your goal appear. you may think it is merely a coincidence or you may call it luck..but the truth is that with your pro-activity you've made your way. and you never know where or how it might appear.

it was certainly a very inspiring movie..it actually made me FEEL i can do anything.

he who seeks, shall not arrive

2011-04-24T22:56:00.002+02:00

recently i am struggling with a doubt. i started to doubt in everything i know. but not in a way, that i am not smart enough or intelligent enough, but doubt in a way, that all that comes to me from outside is questionable in its value. everything is without value if it can not come from the inside out, from me, from my essence. in a way my past year was extroverted for i was so thirsty for knowledge and wisdom and spirituality..but all that is without any value if after reading a book, watching a movie or a documentary you are still the observer and a thirsty seeker that seeks onward. so many words have passed my head, and so little of them sticked. but at this point i feel that all this extroverted search has to turn inward and stop seeking, but arrive. As Eckart Tolle said in his book The stilness speaks "the nature of seeker is in its future goal" meanning that he who seeks, shall not find, for the answer is always in the Now, never in the future. and i know that i was always the one who seeks and the one who hopes for better future, for something to happen and always in the future. i tend not to get angry at myself as i've done so many times in my life, when i had a feeling that i've dissapointed myself. now i just try to smile and accept my so called 'mistakes'. there is always the Now where i can start over and over until i really understand that all that matters is already here.
i have been so much involved in my story. the big glorious story of love, dissapointment, betrayal, hate, truth and justice. i mean seriously, could i have been so blind that i have not foreseen that what i am doing is exactly what i shouldn't do in order to transcend old habits and feelings.
my story is my study case. a perfect example of my spiritual growth. and as i was already discussing many times, the only and best way to learn something for real is to experience it yourself. that means you have to face your innerself, without any external noise. and being said at the beggining that i doubt everything nowdays, i think there will be no better test for me as to stop in stillness and start listening to silence. without books, without movies, without conversations.

less is more. less is freedom.

2011-03-12T17:51:00.004+01:00

being gone through many situations where my emotional intelligence was put on test, I am in a period of my life where things and people are getting less and less of my attention and my energy. I believe it is not easy to accept the fact that being alone practically whole your life is simply one of life truths and not a drama that we should in any way analyze or discuss. i don't mean people should be alone alone...but i definetly stand behind the fact one should be able to bare his life without constant input from other beings, be it human or animal. i get really annoyed if someone expects from me my constant attention to his actions or words. i know people simply need to be noticed because otherwise they feel as if they're life has no meaning or something, but for heavens sake don't they realize with that they only show how poor they are in their souls. i believe when one is self sufficient in emotional sense inputs of any kind are unnecessary. don't get me wrong, i am certainly not saying that we should all just ignore one another, but that if i don't react or give attention to something, it doesn't mean i'm an evil or egocentric person or that i don't like or love that person. it doesn't! i don't know why is that so hard to understand. actually i know...because people tend to live they're lives based on opinions and expectations of others, not their own. sadly then people who try to oppose that and live according to they're own beliefs and ideas, no matter the public norms and expectation, are seen as social outcasts or egocentric, heartless and cold. we were thought that relationships are based on emotional bondage, meaning if one is not able to live without another, it must be true love and friendship. and that loyalty is only shown by giving all your time, attention and energy. i strongly believe those are tragic misconceptions of what a true relationship is and how emotionally mature people interact. no matter friendship or love relationship, there is no greater gift one can give to another, than freedom. and the greatest gift to yourself. by being able to see that all you feel inside yourself is based on your expectations towards others and no one is ever guilty for you feeling bad if someone acts in a way that is not in your scenario. i have been dissapointed, hurt, sad in my life many times. but lately i get less and less of those emotions or when i do, i spend less time analyzing them. there is not much point in doing that. the best thing to do is to accept what life brings and make the best of it.

war of the worlds

2011-02-13T20:47:00.004+01:00

we constantly put ourselves to tests, unknowingly or knowingly. with knowledge that we gain through our personal development, we tend to attract certain situations through which we practice what we preach so to say. and i find this an amazing procedure, amazing journey of testing and challenging our ego. it's often not a nice game we play, it gets dirty and it tends to hurt. but i say it is amazing because if you see after you pass the critical time, the actual progress you have made throughout your journey...you rejoy, for you are growing and as there is an old saying ''You live, you learn.'' so it is never over. neverending game.

i was put in many situations where i could practice my commitment to the Truth. i know, i know..Truth is overrated..but then again, EVERYTHING'S overrated! because we over rate. and if we don't...well, then it looses the importance and it doesn't matter anyway, so why bother with it. so, now i got a lesson in truth. i understand what i have to do, in order to have clear mind and peacefull soul...but what makes me sad is, that people around me like too often point fingers, because they are either hurt or unhappy or unsure. i decided i'm over with that. pointing fingers is for the weak. because it is so much easier, than to be quiet and process what the experience brought to you.

i was thinking what means being humble, where is the line when one should bend its head and not be potentiously proud, and where one should simply stand behind its own words and not let anything or anyone pass them. it is hard to be humble. but it is so much more rewarding what you get when you don't get your ego fight with another persons ego.
i have seen this game so many times in the last few weeks that i got simply fed up with this battle and i can not take it anymore. i find it repulsive and not worthy of my time, therefore i step away rather than enter the game. and one important thing i have come up with is that i am many times too judgemental towards myself. too hard on everything i do. as if i am not supossed to make a single mistake, because poeple might find that mistake and show it in front of my face and leave me speachless. but i know i am not in any way perfect and yet i am the most perfect as i can be, because there is no better me, than me. it is who i am, and through time i will change and step forward and nothing will be as it is here and now, because it can not be. and what is here and now, won't even matter then. because when i screw up something now, i will know better next time so nothing can be the same as it is. from every moment we are perfect. and things are as they are.

and last, but certainly not least...i understand one important thing at this moment. i need to be alone now. i need to explore, i need to rejoyce this miracle that was given to me and it's called life. i need to grow and seek, and discover and cry and laugh and be silent and sing. and i need my lungs and my head to be clear for all that, because i believe it is how i can get the most of it all. the potential that is still captured in me, needs to be opened by myself.

thank you.

loan-liness

2011-01-16T23:07:00.002+01:00

we are cameleons...we tend to change our colors, to adjust to a situation and a lot of times we are not even aware of it. as for me, i so easily and quietly adjust, that sometimes i surprise myself. just today i was thinking about it and realised that. so funny, especially when you counsciously observe the situation as an outside observer. and afterwards i also realised why we sometimes can feel alone even among other people. because we tend to mirror the surroundings inside us, and if the surrounding is not responding, we suddenly feel this emptiness. but the thing is, that this emptiness is a product of our own and not to be blamed on the surroundings. if one is complete in spiritual sense, there is not a single spot inside him, that is left empty and needs to be filled with some outter party. we often forget that or do not even know the reason for our loneliness. i think we should replace the pronounciation of the word loneliness into loan-liness, because it has higher discriptive meanning....we borrow a person or a situation to fill us in. and we expect it to last. but it can not last, since it is not our true nature, we just borrowed it. so eventually we have to be faced with ourselves. many times people just replace one loan after another because they simply can not bare to look deeper. but if you are ready and brave enough to look there, i can assure you, you shall find nothing but fullfilling emptiness of your true self.

reflections without mirror

2011-01-02T20:58:00.002+01:00

i know sometimes people want to think that they're something that they're really not, or they want to be something they're really not. and i understand why we all sometimes feel like that. but idon't think that's being sincere to yourself. and not being truthfull to yourself, is not being truthfull to others around you. it hurts. seeing other person trying to be something it's not really him or her. i've stopped trying to change people around me, i don't care anymore. if we get along i accept that, but if not, there is only one thing i do..i step away from them. simple. makes sense and makes it easier. what's the point in having anykind of relationship if you feel it's not genuine. i don't have any problem with accepting people for who they are, i just don't feel any need anymore of attaching myself to anyone. and i find it hillarious and pathetic if i see someone that does. i knew there will come the time when i will slowly start to selectively pick my social network, by that meanning i will extract only the best of the best, the essence of the flower field. it's gonna sound funny what i'm about to say...but it said it in the book, this would happen. because when a person is no longer in need of outter reflections, because one is capable of recognising them at himself, he can slowly get bored by watching the same old situations which are not getting him anywhere. i admit i might seem a bit arogant at times, but i simply can not and will not get into a conversation if it doesn't interest me, or if i can see the deeper picture and don't like it. i don't simply follow conversations anymore. i analyse them on some other level. i can't explain, but what people say is often so irrelevant to me, because underneath all that crap they're saying just for something to be said...i feel and understand other things. and i can not go beyond that anymore now. sometimes i try, but it's not working...probably because i don't want it to work.

i enjoy being me, and i don't really need anyone to enjoy it either. i'm not saying i don't need friends, of course i do! i love them and i wouldn't trade them for anything. i just wish people would start being more honest to themselves so that relationships of anykind would start to be more honest.

hear yourself out

2010-12-14T22:40:00.001+01:00

my blog is my therapy room, my sanctuary and my mirror. i need it. might be odd, that i am willing to expose my deepest thoughts here on this ''almighty web'' where everyone can acess it, but i like to think that despite these being my very own personal issues i'm dealing with, i am maybe also stimulating others in re-thinking theirs. anyways, that's not what i was intending to write about.

again i'm having insomnia nights. this is second one in a role. might not seem like a situation to panic about, but insomnia reminds me of some of my darkest and hardest nights i've had in the past year. i do not wish to go there again, ever! i know that the fact i was home sick for 2 days now also has something to do with my current mental state, but that's not an excuse to ignore it. being with yourself for 2 days can open doors you keep shut whilst spending time around people simply because you don't take time to listen to yourself. and i have a slight idea of where all this thoughts are coming from considering the fact i'm sort of starting a new chapter in my life...or at least i'm trying to. but there are all these fears an doubts and wishes and dreams i'm dealing with also. i was completely fine...until the fresh wind from Germany blew straight into my head. i've seen these scenario with one of my friends, and now it's happening to me. once you establish a fully functional and autonomous self, you kinda can get attached to that stability. and the moment that something happens that can change that, maybe even crash that stability you've worked for so hard on your own...you panic! because let's face it, we are all afraid of changes in one way or another. afraid because we get too attached to our situations. exactly what Eckart says...we identify ourselves with the situation, instead with our state of mind. and we think that new unknown situation might ''jeopardise'' what is known and comfortable to us. and that's exactly what i've did...but wasn't able to see it up till now. see, here is where the Heureka moment pops up..the lightbulb over my head! that's why i need to write my thoughts down.

earlier this evening i was watching some new documentaries about the ''New earth'' as Eckart calls it and everyone is talking about. i've heard it so many times now, that these things just coe so normal to me. i guess changes that everybody are talking about are trully happening to many of us, and i certainly hope that soon the majority will accept that we need to change our way of thinking in order to live up to our full potential. that is my greates wish..that i would be able to live up to my greatest potential, to be able to understand what is going on around me, why is it happening, how can i really change it and make it the way i want...because i know it is possible, i just haven't figured it out how!

say cheese, take a perfect picture!

2010-12-05T20:13:00.003+01:00

i love to take pictures, i love to be on pictures and i love taking them. i like having them to remember the good times in my life. but looking at them often also reminds you of some past moments that are now almost forgotten or maybe even painfull. i also often think about why is it that i like to take pictures, because people say that the best memories are kept within your mind not on the pictures. it's true. and it is also true that often looking at pictures can bring certain situations or people alive, even though they are not in your life anymore. and i think there is a catch that can be limitating...because memories define you in one way or another. good or bad...you can stick to them and they prevent you from changing. and that's what i'm afraid of sometimes. i don't want to be defined by my memories, because then i won't be able to think new ways, new ideas, new concepts, cause then i'll be stuck in a gap of my memories.

but how can one liberate thyself from that? it's a million dollar question! i'm trying to find out that. as it so happens i fell into a situation that makes me deal at the same time with my past AND my future. and if i'll be too much influenced by past i won't be able to progress at present time so consequently i'll start repeating my past. and that i definetly don't want. but it's funny though, because i was brought into a situation that contains a person from my past and it is now up to me how my actions will be, will i continue my past reactions or will i remember what i've learned the first time and with that knowledge progress here and now, having the chance to upgrade to a state where i'll reach what i've always believed the picture could look like. hopefully i'll be smart enough my fear won't disable me from making the perfect picture, perfect.

truth, my biggest dream

2010-11-21T00:04:00.004+01:00

i think truth is the best thing that we have to offer. and noone will convince me, that it is not liberating. telling truth even if bad, makes you feel lighter, more free, relaxed...it is the moments before telling it that are downbringing. and since i've talked much about balancing energies, i will say this here too...telling the truth brings balance, because if you keep something inside, whatever it is, you're often lingering on that and if it's strong you automatically attract the thing you're trying to avoid by keeping it inside you.
i know why we keep things inside instead of telling them out loud. because often we don't want to face the consequences. because we are maybe afraid of reaction, because we know what the reaction might be, or because we think we might get hurt. i know i do. but on the oher hand i am so happy that i have people around me that i can at least try to have clear and open relationship with. and even if sometimes i think it's too hard to tell the truth, on the end i find it the only right thing to do if i want to free myself from all the frusrations and fears and energy nodes i have inside me. and how did i come to this today? well, i was talking to a person that without knowing, put me on this test. at first i didn't want to reveal what i really think and feel, but then i realised that it is the only right thing for me to do. if i expect it from others, i have to be the one to make an example and just come straight forward with my inside. because when you're 100% open, in my opinion not a lot of things can hurt you. if you say i did this and that and i'm like this then there is no effect if someone puts a mirror in front of you and tells you, look this is who you are...and you say, yes i know, i told you, i didn't hide anything. and when you're brave enough to show your weakness, then you're actually the bravest and the strongest one. so, my plan is to play open cards as often as possible. yeah, call me a dreamer, but at least i have one.

ego-dio-tism

2010-11-14T20:39:00.004+01:00

lately i'm asking myself a question whether i became too insensitive to my surrounding. i seem not to care much about situations around me as i did before, and sometimes i'm surprised with what ease i am doin it, even if people i care about are involved. i mean it's logical to me, that i won't cry just because my friend is sad and she or he cries. but even inside me, i sometimes don't feel anything...like a compassion or sadness or anything similar. so talking to them can be seen as insensitive, careless adn strange. i would like to believe that this is a sign of being able to look at the situation from objective view and give objective and sensable opinion, but nothing more than that, since it is not my problem or situation. because i see that people a lot of times put theirselves into the situations that are not really theirs and try to suffer equally over the same thing as the other person. what's the point of that? the result is negative, since you have then two miserable people instead of only having one. but then the question arises, how much sensitivity is enough and when is it too little? i admit, i'm kinda avoiding conversations with people that i know have problems, because i simply don't want to waste my time with listening to problems of other people, i surely have some better things to do. of curse it's not always like that, but many times i'm so tired of same old, same old conversations we're having. i've became quite an egoist in a certain sense, and by that i mean that i'm egoistically choosing how and with who i'll spend my time. and i always choose good, positive and bright over the bad, sad and negative. because what i've realised is that we are always alone and we are masters of our time and our life. so why not pick only the best for yourself? you certainly deserve the best.

an interesting thing happened the other day. i've realised that i still have a thing that belonged to my ex and i wanted to return it to him, because i felt bad having it since it was his. so i've wrote him an email, asking him when can i deliver it to him. he then responded that he actually doesn't need it back because he kinda gave it to me, i didn't know that. anyways, then he invited me to have a coffee with him. and that's the funny part. why would i want to go for a coffee with a person i haven't seen or speak to for like half a year, made me go through some tough times and is today nowhere present in my life, except as a long lost memory. i was not upset or anything, i was just surprised. i didn't know how to reject him nicely, so i just thought ignoring the invite would be the most meanningful way to do it. and as much as i wanted for us to remain friends after he left me, i've realised he is not a kind of person i would want for a friend, because i know what i expect from my friends and he can't give that to me. and to drink coffee with him once in a while just doesn't seem necessary. yes, i admit it still hurts a bit too, since i've trusted him completely...but let's be honest, after all i've learned in the past year...trusting that guy would be a complete idiotism.

to give for give

2010-11-06T00:19:00.003+01:00

guilt usually seeks forgiveness. but the big Q here is...whose forgiveness and why? if i do something wrong why do i need someone to forgive me my mistake, if i know that i've did something wrong? it's just a fact, and nothing is changed if someone else forgives me for what i did. because doing something that you think you did wrong, should be forgiven only by yourself. and doing something that someone else thinks was wrong and you not seeing it so, does it also need to be forgiven? if you didn't think as wrong while doing it? and again we are at the question of various views over the same situation that can vary. i read somewhere that we never see things as they are, we see them as we are...and that's exactly what i've been saying. doing something wrong is only wrong because you see it that way, or someone else see it that way, or the society around you says that's wrong. but in the basis...it's only plain situation that is as it is. you know? yeah, it is kinda hard to understand..but it really is simple.

if i decide someone is doing something wrong i'm not trying to convince him that he's doing it wrong...i tell him my view and i leave the scene. but he funny part is that often people run after you and try to either convince you that what they're doing is not wrong, or feel guilty and try to get your forgiveness. isn't that funny? why on earth should you change your behaviour based on someone else's opinion, only to get his or her approval? well my friend that is in my opinion a sign of low selfsteem and insecurity. i try to show my friends that despite my disaproval of their behaviour, they can freely continue act as they wish. and depending on the type of their act i shall only decide whether i want to stay close to them or leave. it is only your decision if you will change your behaviour in order to make me stay, or keep on doing what you were doing not paying any attention on my presence. i'm not saying it is simple to do it, since we are not acustomed to act this way, but giving such situations importancy, makes them even harder. i know it did for me, long time ago i gave a lot of importancy to certain people and actions. and the hardest thing was to admit to myself that i need to let go and accept their behaviour as it is, even though for me it was the most horrible thing someone could ever do. but today i stand here and i know that i am here because of my own choice i've made and because of big sacrifices i did..but only for myself, because i love myself so much today. and every day i am trying to accept that fact, that people are different and that everybody makes their choices and they show their choices with actions..and actions matter, because they make you decide whether you want to stay there or go some other way. and i will forgive myself of not being able to fully understand and accept that fact until today, and i do not need to forgive anyone else.

strong words, weak people

2010-10-31T22:41:00.004+01:00

interpretation is everything i think. and interpretation can divide us one from other, because it is the subjective opinion of a person. and if i interpret one thing in the way that satisfies me, is that right or wrong...can it even be right or wrong? i wonder if it is possible to see things only as they are. what that even means? i've been hearing this sentence over and over again. just try to see things as they are and don't judge them, evaluate them, label them. it's hard to not be judgemental about a thing that someone does to you if the person is for example your friend right? because you have certain expectations from that person, like for example that he or she will never hurt you, or betray you, or lie to you...it's hard not to get upset if any of those things happen. and we think in this case, that something bad happened to us.
but in my life i have had situations like that happen and i soon realised that these people don't actually matter. it might sound terrible saying your friends don't matter. but in correlation with situations that happen to you, they are just meere stuntmen that help you shoot your scene. and after the shoot you let them go, thank them for their cooperation and let them go. i needed a long time (well, it's all relative) to actually feel what i in other ways understood. because mind and soul are often strangers, which they shouldn't be. and the more distant they are, the longer we need to process certain things. and since in order to process certain things we need a lot of energy and time, it is also logical that that happens faster if we are alone. so now, if we sum all this up we can again get dfferent possible interpretations of the results...either it's better to be single if you want to progress, or that a lot of people hide behind false relationships, because they can not stand the thought of being faced with themselves. and the ironic thing is, they don't even know, they think they are fullfilled with their 'other half', but the truth is, they lost the other half of themselves which is usually their soul, and think someone else is going to fill that space. and the third interpretation is that ones that are conscious enough and are also in a relationship, usually either take longer or work harder to reach the balance between their mind and soul and if in that time their relationship doesn't fall apart, they are probably as twice as happy and proud.

i don't know...those were just my interpretations of some situations. they are not wrong, they are not right. they are just possible to be. but the thought that got into my head to day was...that if we are all a part of oneness, than we must in order to reach our higher selves, first accept all that what is happening around us, all the people, even the ones we were hurt by, because if you don't accept every tiny part of oneness, you don't actually accept a part of yourself!! and those are strong words! do you accept and feel compassionate towards everything and everyone?

balance

2010-10-20T20:51:00.005+02:00

lately i'm constantly being reminded i should practice what i 'preach' or otherwise said...walk the talk. i'm getting the message in million different ways...on million different subjects. and that's great, that's the way i self-evaluate. you know? i guess i'm just manifesting what was my decision the other day...to be completely honest with myself. and now, all this situations come to my way where i sometimes catch myself that i'm thinking one thing and doing something else. mostly it's not something huge that can totally change my life or something, but the little everyday things that i do. for example, i'm so loudly trying to promote sustainable way of living and all..but at the same time i find myself buying a whole new bottled water of evian...'because i need the bottle for the trainning'. okay, okay...i am re-using it and all...but nevertheless, i really should buy myself a proper glass bottle or those cute metalic ones that will last for years. and that's just one example. but i think it's okay to do that, because i am actually more aware of my actions and how they are sometimes not correspondent with my thoughts and ideas. because in that crucial moment when i stand in front of the refrigerator in the store i get carried away by thurst, hunger...or some other greedy, needy capitalistic lust.

yesterday i was watching a documentary on Amazonia and i was again surprised over the damage humankind does to the one essential thing we have to even exist...NATURE. the rainforest and the river are one...and so are we, ONE with everything. we just can't seem to get it. and therefore we in order to satisfy 'our' greedy needy capitalistic lust, cut the trees to make space for vast soya fields that are cultivated in the soil soya would otherwise never even lay a seed on. and we make dams because we want more electricity, but from the river that can not give us that what we want from it, because by all parametres the decline is too low and therefore by preventing the river to run it's natural way, we create floods. and we thought floods are a natural disaster...yeah right. and then there is the lake which floods trees which start to rot in the water and the bacteria contaminates the water, the fish get sick and dies and native people are hungry....you see!? it's a chain effect! and what WE get from it?
as i've said once and will probably say many times more...everything is about balance. the energy works like that. it's natural law, the strongest one of all. if there is too much of something on one side, there has to be shortage on some other side...and everything aims to balance this situation. no matter if we are talking about water, food, emotions, wishes, ideas.....everything, on any level.

it's funny how i wanted to write about something completely different when starting this post, but ended up writting about balance. which on one hand is a great topic and basically covers every aspect of our lives no matter what we talk about.

full tank / thankful

2010-10-08T20:38:00.003+02:00

despite the fact, i already recognized and dealt with numerous behaviouristic patterns from my past, there is always this subconscious fear of not being able to recognize them if they in some cases come back. and there is this chance if you recognize them, that you won't act against them but again fall on the same track. that's the worst, if you ask me. you all know that expression ''been there, done that''. today i'm there where i've already been and i don't like it. i can't help myself if i spontaneously react the same to certain situations as i did 4 years ago. i can't and won't pretend that i'm okay if i'm not. and since my recent decision of being on a selftest of my own truth, denying true feelings woud be sabotage of my own decisions. so here i am, all in a hormone imbalance, tired, stressed...and dealing with some past feelings i thought i already got over. well, it's not so bad. i won't consider suicide or anything don't worry...i'm just thinking and analysing myself, and i easier do it by writting than in my fuzzy head. so, as i said...having no expectations is a very tough thing to do. at least for me. i don't know about other people but then again, other people don't matter. so, here we are...how other people don't matter if you have expectations, and reaching or failling that expectations makes you feel good or bad. so other people do matter? no, they don't. that's why it's so hard. because we have these roles, rules, patterns and customs implemented in us that we live by, because we were tought to do so...which in my opinion is not bad, because we weren't even aware of it. but once you wake up from this 'dream' we call our life, our truth...we are no longer satisfied with that. we no longer accept certain ways of thinking or living, because we eagerly want to find ourselves, our true and essential being. big words huh? well, i kinda hate it if people get judgemental on this kind of talks...i see it simply in a way that my vocabulary is slightly different from yours and we in a way can not communicate, because some think i'm full of shit or illusionary ideas that are nothing but a bunch of crap. but at the end of the day...does it matter? does it change anything in my world? actually no, i still believe in what i believe and you still are sleeping. everyone's happy. and the truth? well, the truth is there. so you see...others don't matter.

i'm not being nihilistic at all, i'm just trying to explain how i see it. being nihilistic would mean i was a pasive object, ignoring my surroundings and let everything just happen to me. but i try to be the active actor in making things arround me happen to me the way i want them, but at the same time knowing that nothing is so important that could make me go out of balance. that's the difference. and the point of it all. BALANCE. if you're either too much on one side or the other, you're gonna eventually get flipped on the other 'missing' half whether you like it or not.
because life is nothing personal, just balance. the energy has to be balanced in order for this world to remain. and that's all that there is to it, you see, nothing personal. giving importance to things, people and events, creates expectations, and that can create imbalance. and that's exactly what i did today. but because i love myself and i want nothing but to understand and accept things for what they are without giving them importance, i decided i forgive myself and again learned a lesson. i'm not perfect, but i'm thankful.

laugh is always better than no laugh

2010-09-22T20:59:00.003+02:00

i wanted to write something a bit more positive today, since last posts were quite downturning. today way a good day. despite problems i have at work i managed to put that aside on my way home and enjoyed my ride. while i was waiting for my bus i was filling myself with sunrays that were pouring from the sky straight into my eyes and almost made me blind. but i didn't want to resist for they may be last bits of sun this year. i wanted to charge myself like a battery and save some of that energy for foggy and cold autumn days when they come. and of course thoughts were slidding in my head up and down, as usual...and one of those thoughts was about a girl i once hosted when she was couchsurfing in Ljubljana. i wanted to hear from here, since she recently moved to live here in Slovenia from Hungary. and what happened 5 minutes later...i pick my phone and she's calling me! and that was not the only event like that today, i've had at least two of a kind in the morning. and then i started thinking about that book i've read...about Transurfing. it's happening to me in many cases that i'm experiencing events and 'coincidences' ike this one...i just don't notice them. and the thoughts i linger on...they are fading away. exactly as he book is saying. and i'm not telling you that suddenly i believe every word of every book i read, but i certainly believe in what is happening to me everyday. where i find it hard to handle is the thoughts and feelings i can't get rid of and i hold on to. and i'm kinda hard on myself in that way. sometimes it's a curse if you know so much theory but you suck at practical part! and i fel that's exactly where i am now. i was already thinking if it's maybe a good idea that i just stop reading and don't think about all those books and movies and audio books i've listened to..and i realised i was a little scared by that thought, because i felt i would lose the guidance i think i need in order to understand the way things work and how to run my life. but just as i'm writting this i have come to a conclusion that i HAVE to stop for a while in order to introvert and start listening to myself and then create what i want, what i really want. to get my soul and mind into balance.

yesterday i was talking to someone i really care about. it made me think about my attachment to that person and all the things i've learned in the past year, about myself, about life, about other people. i don't see attachement as a bad thing, but the question is...how much attachement is TOO MUCH attachement you know? i don't know. it's tricky! i once thought i got it all under control when i was with a guy, but on the end i realised it was not so. i was completely crashed because he left. and i think i'm kinda afraid this might again happen when i won't be watching myself. i was observing my friend that was single longer than me, almost 3 years, and she enjoyed her single life which i totally support but i was always telling her, she should also not be afraid of letting someone close, because that's nothing bad. and now...i am in a way afraid of losing something i've worked hard for. but on the other hand...my freedom is something that can not be taken from me, unless i let it be taken. who i am, cannot be taken from me...because from what i have gone through in these 28 years, i've realised i am the only one that can handle me, that can comfort me, love me, hate me, judge me, care for me. sure it's great if you have someone next to you, but you can never expect someone else to carry your burden, live your life, dream your dreams and feel your happiness. and when i'll meet someone that will be able to share that kind of view and i will also be able to live with that in my mind next to someone i know our energies will merge into even greater one, but yet stay apart and let each other breath. but nevertheless....it's not about that anyway, i ain't searching because these things happen.

cry me a river

2010-09-19T20:42:00.003+02:00

i know why my current experiences are important, my mind knows it all. but yet i feel so helpless, i hate this feeling. it's like as if i have no influence of whatsoever upon what is happening to me right now. and i'mnot even capable of just letting go and surrender, because i think my life is going to slip away, to fall apart. but i also in a way want it to fall apart i guess. because i want to see what happens when you have nothing, you are not attached to anything, anyone and all you care about is not carring cause it's the only way of freeing yourself. but the more i try, the more attached i get i think. i mean i wanted just to go with the flow to see what time brings...but i think i'm losing control over what i want to have control over the most, my feelings.

i hope that the changes that are waiting for me in these 2 weeks will really bring me something to hope for, because i feel that it can either bring me down to the ground zero...or i can get lifted and start floating in unlimited zone of my own reality.

few days ago i've realised that we should be afraid of people that don't cry. i never understood people who don't cry, but now i know i don't want to be close to anyone that can not cry. and i'm not saying that because i used o cry a lot, more than i do now. i'm saying it because i know tears do help, they don't help you solve the problem...but that is not always the point. tears help you survive and heal your feelings. the solution in the manifestation,but the tears are more important on emotional level. i'm not saying we should cry like rivers all the time, but when the big heavy ball inside your chest is so big it hurts, you have to let it out first and then continue to think about resolving the problem.

twelve sets of opposite characteristic

2010-09-16T12:07:00.001+02:00

' Twelve sets of opposite characteristics are:

keeping silent — talking
receptivity — resistance to influence
obeying — ruling
humility — self confidence
lightning-like
speed — circumspection
to accept everything — to be able to differentiate
ability to fight — peace
caution — courage
to possess nothing — to command everythingto
have no ties — loyalty
contempt for death — regard for life
indifference — love

(Initiation by Elizabeth Haich)

(a)head of time

2010-09-12T23:14:00.008+02:00

i think we sometimes forget, we are all humans and we are so much alike, even if we try to be different from the others. i don't know if that is supossed to be comforting of discouriging. but what i've meant to say is that no matter what you may think of another human being on the first look..it may be so far away from the truth. i have come to a notion that everybody around me, has problems, has personal issues, family issues, problems with self confidence and i could just go on and on. on the end i'm no different from anyone i thought is sooo happy, or careless or smart or brave or confident. yeah i know, it's sad, that i am now feeling better, because i know everybody around is going through the same shit as i am...but i actually don't care. it just kinda helps me accept myself, i don't care about the others really. funny though how my friend told me today while talking on the phone that she can not believe how can i NOT be happy with my life, ME the always smilling, happy, careless me? and i really had a good laugh! in these past few days i'm starting to think i'm being too hard on myself. expecting too much from myself and then when i'm not achieving it, being dissapointed over myself. how stupid is that? so, i've decided i'm gonna start going easy on myself and let me do some slips here and there. i know i'm being too hasty many times, but it's how i am. i want things move fast when i get them into my head.

recently i'm having this feeling that time is running out for me. i don't know why, because i'm always the one that doesn't give a crap about age. and i'm not really worried about my personal age or anything, but about losing that sparkle i have inside and keeps me going on...i don't know why i'm afraid i'm gonna loose it in a couple of years and i'm gonna end up cranky and old, not achieving anything. and here we are again? achieving what? what does it mean that you've achieved something in your life? how do we measure achievement? can someone please tell me? again we are caught in this social boundaries, expectations and limits...and if you ask me...well, i think you already know my opinion. GET RID OF THAT ALREADY!! saying it to my friends, saying it to my family, and saying it to myself hundred times per day...but is it enough? does it really have an impact? i don't know, i hope so, i sincerely hope it does! because that is one of the key solutions to start getting back in touch with our inner guidance we all forgot about! inner guidance, remember it everytime you are making a decision. it knows all the answers already. i don't mean to insult anybody here, but people who believe in all sorts of gods..well, in my opinion they are just not willing to take responsibility for their lives. i know it is damn hard to be your own god, to listen to yourself..but as hard as it is at the beggining of that journey, the easier it is later on i think. because you know that you, yourself made a decision and now the consequences are fully under your responsibility, so suma sumarum YOU are the master of your life.

anyways, back to that lack of time issue i've started with in previous paragraph. my friend pointed out a very interesting fact when i told her how i feel. and i would agree with her on that. i am fully accepting the fact that we as a society are going through some major changes on an energy level. no matter if you are or not a spiritual person, everybody is saying that these are wierd and hard times. i have no intention of announcing some armaggedon or anything like that, but i know that something is changing, because i'm feeling it. so, my feeling of lack of time may be connected to this fact. i don't know, just a thought. but this thought makes me think what should i do now. what is my role here? i discussing theories on this subject? i believe we all should, as they say, ''walk the talk''.... but i have a feeling i'm not very good at it. i hope i do inspire people to become more open for new ideas, new ways of thinking, to allow the fact that current ways of lives we're living can be dramatically changed if we change our ways of thinking and living them more conscious....but then again, why should i be all about telling people what is going on inside me, what i think is good for us, for human race, how i think we should live...and i won't aks if you think i'm right or wrong, because the question is irrelevant. it's just about being intro or extro, that's what's confusing. i mean writing this blog for me started as strictly introverted act. and it basically still is, but all of a suden i realised that few people once in a while actually read this, and what i did...well, i guess i started reffering to them in my posts. wrong!? yes, from my point of view totally wrong. and deleting posts because people see themselves in my posts and don't like what they read...totally wrong again. thin line between intro and extro. i guess i can be totally introverted in my posts, but at the same time this blog is so extroverted that you can hardly get it more extroverted except if you're on a cover of a daily newspaper.

today my head is really full, i had no idea it was so full. haha, what does it even mean to have a full head? that yoou're possesed by ego? that you have a really large brain size? that your mind flow is so fast you can not keep a trace on the processes inside? i have no idea...but i know that when my head is too full, it's better for me to stop writting.

2010-09-07T23:37:00.004+02:00

i once said to the guy that was the love of my life, years after we broke up, that i'm so happy that i've met him, because now i don't go walking around the world searching for love of my life anymore as many lost souls around me do. and by that i don't mean, that my soul is not lost or anything, because the way i see life now is so much different than back then...but i wanted to use this analogy to point out the relation between a wish, a desire and dettachment from it. when we desire something and we are eager for something, it almost always flows away. that is, if our desire is too strong. that is also why many people don't meet so called 'love of their lives'...because they are always in search for it. you wanna know where i've met him...on a fucking train to Belgrade, travelling to Turkey on my own. never would have expected it, THAT'S WHY it hit me there in that moment. i won't go into details why and when it all started to go wrong, but i can surely tell you from my point it was because i got too attached to him. again...attachment, desire.
i once thought i have so much love inside me, nobody on this earth could bare and on the end it came true, always. too much of everything...and the forces had to balance that in someway...so they pulled the object of desire away, to balance me. i know now, that matter can not exist if there is no antimatter...it simply can't. and the energy doesn't think whether something is good or bad for us, the energy just seeks balance, and where there is a situation of unbalanced energies, it simply has to act. nothing personal, just balance! ;)
today, i have no expectations of whatsoever from this guy anymore, and he came back into my life. i believe we truly are very much alike, but i'm not attached to the idea, that's why i can keep him around i guess. and if not, that's okay too. that's called being in tune with the flow. i wish i could be in tune like that all the time, but it seems so hard sometimes.

cool up'ses VS. collapses

2010-09-01T20:01:00.004+02:00

here i am again. trying to get set for launching myself into the world. but then the world hits me back and i land hard facing the ground. so, what's going on...well, you know, been there, done that, read a couple of books...then first you fly, you get high...and then kabo0oo000m, shazaAaaAAm my world colapsed. for three days i'm re-evaluating my life, my priorities, passions, desires, goals...my friends are worried, they say i read too much of 'those' books'...but i'm sure i'm on the right way. obviously every way is not the right one, since we all have our ways, but you can also say there are no wrong ways, because we all choose what we choose. i already know that conotations of wrong and right are subjective and depend from the point of the viewer.
so, let's get down to business because i want to share my discoveries with you who will find it interesting. i've came across a book about transurfing. on the beggining the word itself attracted my attention, but after reading first couple of pages i was all in, from top to bottom, with my soul, and my mind. and it's got 3 parts...so now you may start to understand why i'm sinking deeper and deeper. anyways, this guy Vadim Zeland talks about transurfing. it's a technic with which each one of us can transform life. from my words it may sound like a floscule, but nevermind what it sounds like. i think the trilogy is definetly worth reading. i find a lot of similarities with Eckart Tolle and that's maybe why i found it easy to understand. for someone who never read Tolle or Dyer or similar authors, the books of Zeland would be a total surprise and hard to understand or maybe not. i'm not the one to judge, i'm just a messenger of something i believe it has enormous potentials for human kind. Zeland is also a physics so his language has this scientific like approach from time to time, and maybe that's what makes him so appealing, because we all now how posessed by rational mind we all are. Tolle calls it ego, Zeland calls it mind. Tolle says we should shut down our ego, Zeland talks about listening to a rustle of morning stars...but on the end...it's all the same, it's all the same.

and now you wanna know about my 3 day journey into myself? well, i don't know what's the use. if you want to know what i've discovered, take a look inside you. probably you'll discover the same, but at the same time your own version of it! and that's what's it all about according to Zeland. Our life has inumerous versions. we just have to pick the one we want. that's the main difference between me being happy and satisfied with myself, and me not being happy, working my guts off for my happiness which on the end doesn't come. in paralell universes exist versions of everything, so why not pick the best case scenario for ourselves? the catch is also in what Zeland calls PENDULUMS. and we all know it...we just don't have a word for it and don't see it as a potential 'danger' to our soul. pendulums are all kinds of massive, collective consciousnesses that keep us asleep, that praise our minds and egos, but take our life force, life energy. without us, they don't exist. i will not go into details for it is just too much of everything. just try to find out for yourself.

the last thing i wanted to share are dreams. and i don't mean my dreams, although i had wierd ones tonight, but nevermind. think about what you can do, while you're asleep. when your mind/ego is not at work. you can move mountains. because anything you think or wish for whilst sleeping happens in your dreams, try it it's true. the minute you say i want this tree in my dreams to grow green aliens for example, it happens. and what Zeland claims is that it is the same with our lives...we can have anything we want, we are just simply thought NOT to imagine and believe in things and better versions of our lives. so we don't believe and therefore automatically deny our right for abundant life. according to him, when our mind and our soul are not aligned, we are not aligned with our life line that brings us prosperity and abundance.

that's it. i've satisfied my need to tell and share with the world what i've came up with in these last days, now i'm moving on. will you too?

waves of infinity

2010-08-11T12:06:00.003+02:00

today...i'm not all that. i'm nothing. and i'm everything. mixed all together. i'm playing loud music so that i don't hear myself, some say it's also a drug. well, okay then..today i'm gonna get high on music so that i forget me, myself and i.

mind game

2010-08-05T22:15:00.002+02:00

i'm playing this game lately. well, it's not really a game, it's a trainning. i'm trainning myself to be honest with myself and the world. and it is so good. everytimei have to do something or say something i quickly examine my inside and how i truly feel about the situation and then try to act upon that feeling. it is not easy all of the time, because we are used to NOT say or act the way we want, but what we think others want from us. it is because we were raised to feed on approval of others. to always think what others might think about this and that. i thought i am not one of those people, but i see now that many times i kinda modify my real wish and the expectation from the outside and mix it together so that the result is as pleasing for both sides as possible. i was surprised over that fact. but now by observing my actions i am consciously trying to always be true to myself. i believe it is not what everyone is capable of doing. but i am glad i am able to change. playing this new 'game' is making me feel so much better and so free i reccomend it to everyone!;)

to give and to for give

2010-08-02T21:55:00.005+02:00

i know, i know...two posts in one day can be a bit too much, but i was truly inspired by today's day. it was a marvelous day, being to go through some rough moments and a couple of splendid ones. and all that while staying home alone. imagine that. inspired by what you ask? inspired by life. by everything that surrounds us, everything that's teaching us how to love. i don't know what is harder, loving someone else or loving thyself!? really, think about that for a minute. when you love someone else, you can easily 'blame' him/her for making you feel sad, hurt, happy. but when you try to love yourself, it's much harder to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for yourself. i cried once today...and it was when i looked into the mirror to see who do i have to be honest with and who do i have to forgive and love without any conditions. it was me on the other side...but the trick is that there is no other side. it's you and only you and you are on the same side, well supossed to be at least. why do we suffer so much? that is what i was thinking and am still thinking a lot about. it is so unimaginable that our mind wants to hold on to all that what we've lived through our lifetime, all that heavy baggage we've gained during our childhood, teenage years, adulthood...hard to imagine that one should in order to free himself just lose all that what he or she thought was 'building and growing' into a person you want to be. it's as if a man would be building a house all his life and on the end tore it down. and because that way of thinking is so unusual to us, we find it sometimes hard to understand and do. but when you get it, it seems so logical to you. you realised that all that you thought you are, isn't really you. it is what you've built yourself to be. the real you is somewhere deep inside, rooted in yourself. that is the person we have to find and to learn to love and accept. the rest of you can be honored and enjoyed, but it doesn't really matter if you haven't found your trueself.

i forgive.

me and the outside

2010-08-02T15:51:00.005+02:00

have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.

and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.

but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.

liberty

2010-06-21T14:59:00.003+02:00

i'm floating. even though it sure doesn't feel like summer, my inner calendar is in tha mood! you know what i mean, i guess unconscious memories of the past summer has awaken my mind and is telling me, now is the time to burst, to fill yourself with all that lost energy you were missing during the winter and in the sad spring. i just kinda lost track of time...i am sucessfully doing it by not taking anything too seriously and just trying not to worry about anything.

the only thing i' wish for right now is a touch. pure, gentle, curious, silent and loving touch of a man. just so to make my senses burst and to open them again. i realised i am still quite wrapped up into bubble of fear to get hurt again and i really want to get rid of that feeling inside me.

push, pull....flow

2010-06-13T02:48:00.003+02:00

have i mentioned i fu*** love London!? i guess i did. but i guess it's not just London, i think i'm back, the real me. and i would feel good anywhere else i were, except my home that is. i needed to come here and now i just need to go back and take myself with me. it's so simple really, being yourself once you feel it. and all you really have to do is exactly that, feel yourself.

there is just one thing i'm still having trouble with though...it's the peoples thing. sometimes it's so damn hard to figure out what are they thinking or what do they want. and i don't mean in a way that i'm trying to figure out how to make people like me or give them what i want, but how to get from them what i want or better said...how to synchronize the both sides and get a positive result. i'm trying to hard. the thing that i'm dealing with right now is until where do i go and push my desires and still not invade into others person intimacy and make him/her feel uncomfortable.
i've always thought of myself as peoples person but at the same time i was also bad judge of characters in other words naive and always believed people are good. now, i just don't know what to think about people anymore. but it's probably for the best to let them pass you and stay focused on yourself and they will come by themselves if they'll want to and if it's meant to be...or something. and i guess that's exactly what i'm experiencing now too...in these past two weeks a lot of people said to me what a great energy i have and surprisingly i have had a couple of flirts too. the thing is that everything happened really spontaneously and the minute i started trying for something to happen, it all went down.

it's amazing, truly amazing i tell you. i'm often skeptic about these subtle changes or signs that lead us through our life, but i think i really should give them higher importance. anyways, i'm grateful for everything that's happening and that i am learning. step by step...everyday is the first day of the rest of our lives.

de-touch yourself

2010-06-10T02:20:00.004+02:00

funny thing, attachment. really annoying sometimes. i was just going to sleep, did all my usual meditation and all..but couldn't shut my thoughts. and i had to write it down, as i know this always makes me feel better, if not better at least lighter and with clearer vision. i've read something about our passions today, our passions that makes our life worth living and when we're in order with our own passions everything evolves so much easier. and then i've realized i'm probably not fully living within my passions. can't say really that i'm completely out of order, but i know there is more to it than the point i'm at right now, i can feel there is something behind but just can't seem to jump high enough to see it and go there.

being in London away from my 'real' life was a bless for me. to go away from all the attachments and just breathe fully without being worried what's gonna happen around the next corner, who is going to make my day in either good or bad way. and there were certainly more bad days in past months, than good ones. so, then i come here and liberate myself...you know what i'm always saying liberdade dentro da cabeca...and i mean that in many ways. but first thing is to liberate yourself from all the things that are preventing you to live to you fullest.

i'm often thinking about my attachment to my group. and others attachment to it. and i can't decide whether it is bad or good to be very much involved and attached to something in that way. but the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that it is probably harder to go away from something like that, than to stay there. and i'm not saying that only because i've left in a way, but i am experiencing all this identity crysis at the same time that my ego ius performing to me. i mean in a way, saying to me...oh, you can't leave, you have a responsibility and you have a reputation in this group and the group will not be the same without you. which is all true from one side...but there is also the other side, where i'm currently standing and that's the side where i am noone and nobody, and i don't need a group to identify me and to give value to who i am, because all that is not important and it only distracts me. and if i am not getting positive vibes from that direction then it is surely better for me to stay where i'm now.
i know for certain that not anyone could do what i did. some people need to be identified by others, they need to be surrounded with other people because they have a certain role and they know how to behave. if they are left alone, they get scared, not knowing who they truly are. and i think everybody is afraid of that, but some deal with it, some don't. as for me i am certainly dealing with myself and no matter how hard it is at moments, i know for me this is a win win situation, because on the end it is me who shall prosper.

so, as i was saying at the beginning, attachment and detachment...not just to the group...but to people, things, places...it's a big step to go from one to another. i am not quite mastering it, but then again it is the path that matters not the goal. live, learn, love... goodbye and thanks for all the roses!

magic, stuff that wasn't made boring by science

2010-06-02T16:24:00.002+02:00

they say he who seeks, he shall find....and how true that is. the great thing about this is, that if you're open enough you can find so many things you would never even imagine while searching for something completely different. well, i think it's magical. and magic is stuff that wasn't made boring by science i've read one day whilst passing camden market. hehehe, and how true.

i am re-discovering myself, passions, happiness, sun, rainbow...everything around me seems to be in order. well, i know it's stupid to say that, because of course everything IS in order, for there is no other way.

yesterday i was at capoeira class with mestre Axe. he is also a student of mestre No, just like my mestre. and i've enjoyed the trainning so much. i was smilling all the time. this is what makes me happy, makes me alive, makes me in touch with myself. it is only now that i am here that i've realised what i was missing and not even knowing. well, i knew what i had once, but i kind of just couldn't remember the feeling how was it before. before all the shit started to happen. i am still sad because some people don't seem to have any respect, but i am so happy that at least i got my capoeira back. i am gratefull, very gratefull. and that is exactly the thing i was talking about before, we find things we weren't even searching for. because i surely didn't come to London to do capoeira, but then i met Wilson and it all spontaneously led me to the capoeira class. thank you!

i don't know if it's because i'm all high on painkillers, but i am feeling so overwhelemed. so gratefull and happy and calm. there is nothing at this moment that could take away how i am feeling.

be gentle with yourself

2010-05-26T12:05:00.003+02:00

today is a quiet day. my obstacles seem so clear at this moment. and they are that i want to go. i no longer wish to stay here in the environment i am at the moment. yesterday i realised how free one must feel when one loses the feeling of guilt, of owing something to others, of not being good enough...and just listens to himself and does what feels right for him, only him. i know there are always 3 truths...our own truth, truth of the other and The Truth, but we must surely always follow our own for it is our path and we have to follow in order to gain the experience we have come here to experience and then luckily learn from it with as little suffering as possible.

Sometimes I think people around me are far more advanced than I am, but the next moment i change my mind. I am struggling with this doubt all the time. but by the end of the day I say to myself, what does it matter where others are, or aren't..I mean really? how does it help me? I just think it's good to always leave the possibilities open and never dogmatically determine the surroundings you live in for you can miss something important for yourself. I just finally want to stop feeling guilty because of all these feeling I keep inside me. I think I unconciously told myself that I should no longer feel love towards certain people for it is not safe, and then I said I shouldn't feel angry, and sad and resentful...all these restrictions I've made for MYSELF just pushed me into some strange darkness of my own limitations and they are keeping me inside and I feel like I'm caught inside myself unable to breathe with ease. but now I realised all this is just a product of my own ideas and limiations and it is only me that can liberate myself from them. and that's great...cause I am my own maker, my own god.

make peace with yourself and wrap yourself with unconditional love...for that is the true meanning of your life.

fear

2010-05-18T23:38:00.004+02:00

i seriously need to stop poisoning myself. but the fact is that i have no idea of who am i anymore...i just started to cry, out of nowhere...the cup just filled and tears started to pour down my face. i am scared. all that is happening to me, is it real or am i just living an illusion of something i want to believe in. but i don't even know what i believe anymore. i don't know anything anymore. the more i dig, the clearer things seem to appear at one moment...the next it hits me really hard as it just did and i crush! not even knowing why. at what point will i clearly distinguish where, what, when and why?

i know we have to attain consciousness all the time for it is not there to stay once you understand its meanning...but am i really so fragile that out of nowhere this pain and confusion and fear comes and just BANG takes me on the ground!? yeah, great excuse...it's just your ego....but obviously it still rules over me so strongly that i end up being all lost and crying like a baby. i feel so stupid sometimes because i'm so convinced that i've found something bigger which then hits me back with such a strong punch straight in my face that i can not recover for long time. and i know life consists of ups and downs, for if it would only go up...one could end as a monsterous creature of unimaginable size. maybe that's my problem...that i get so scared when i'm feeling down as if i've lost something i've already found and now it has been taken away from me...and that is exactly my ego talking!

we learn..every day, every minute we learn...if we want to of course. i am learning.... how to surrender....again i cry...for i don't know how to surrender, because i am scared. but the funniest thing is, i have no idea what am i scared of. can you think of a more stupid thing...being scared of not knowing what...

dear divine oneness....please let me surrender without fear....for i intend to search on....i am not giving up!

the question

2010-05-14T11:44:00.004+02:00

what can i say... I guess the story works for me. but does it really? does suffering means that it works for me, for anyone? somehow I doubt that. i mean seriously, i am amazed over the enormous capacity of our body and mind that can take so much negativity and suffering. because we all know, we suffer as long as we can take it and as long as we don't learn the lesson. but if i am aware that i myself can change that condition which i do not feel pleasant in, why not do it? what am i waiting for. and why am i constantly adding new and new tests just to see if i'm already there. where? i don't know...where am i going? maybe that's the problem, cause i want to go somehere instead of just being here and now. sometimes i just have a feeling i can not resemble between my ego and the consciousness. ego is so very smart that it can fool you, and considering my life before i started to consciously listen and observe and i now know was etremely conditioned by ego, i sometimes suspect that my ego is still very much trying to convince me how i am not ready yet to be enlightened, that i have to wait a little more, to suffer a little more. but that all is in total contrast to what the truth is, that the only time one can be enlightened is here and now and nowhere else at any other time.

yesterday evening i realised that i am scared. and i started to almost cry, which i haven't done since long time. i am so scared, but the problem is that i don't know exactly of what. could it be, that i am scared of letting go all of what i now believe to be and to be free. if that is so, then i am certainly still deeply in my egoic mind which is trying to attach me to my story, to my conditioned state of living. you see, that is why i have to write my blog...because here my thoughts get clearer and i can easily see what's going on inside me. i'm not saying that i know the solution immediately, but it certainly helps to audit what is going on within me. so, now i have to work on my fear. they say, one should do at least one thing that scres you every day. today i did one, but afterwards i wasn't feeling any better, actually i was feeling worse, as if all past fears and pain and feelings would come back. so now i don't know if i did that because i wanted to free myself from that fear, or because i am still clinging on my past and am not capable of letting go. i don't know how to let go, i don't know how to accept the now....i just don't know.

and then on the other hand...these wierd things are happening to me. i've had an experience that i don't know how to describe. it happened to me a couple of times before already, and yesterday again. it usually happens when i'm in bed. the thing i find strange is, that i thought this can only happen when one is totally present and without thoughts in his mind. but i wasn't in that state, i was full of fears, doubts, thoughts, pain....and suddenly i felt as if i am not present in my body. i didn't feel where my body is, couldn't find it. i knew of course that i'm on my bed, but when i was trying to locate it with my senses...i just wasn't there. as if my consciousness would move out of my body and float somewhere across the room. it felt funny and strange, but at the same time it was an overwhelming experience. and i didn't want to return to my body. i tried a couple of times, but every time i got close to returning i sort of stopped. because the truth is i didn't want to go back. and now i'm asking myself why i didn't want to go back? and it's a damn good question.

small is big, and big is small

2010-05-12T23:05:00.004+02:00

today my pain body arose from within me. i think it already was preparing since yesterday but i didn't let it! i'm having insomnia again so i am weak and easily my mood can change. so therefore i am fully attent of what's going on inside me.
i realised something this very moment. i am open like a book to anyone that wants to read me. i've read somewhere that when you fully open yourself and show all your strenght and weakness, nothing can hurt you anymore. i believe that, so i have no problem in writting these posts here. but i know a lot of people do. they hide themselves behind masks of various types and forms. someone said to me, i can as might as well hide behind mine if i want...but i think he was wrong. it doesn't matter anyways, because nothing is really important. yesterday my capoeira mestre said a thing to me, that made me laugh. he said i should be ashamed of not participating in various events, because i think they are not important. hahaha, and i was thinking to myself...oh, how right you are mestre, nothing really IS important and the least my participation there. but how could he even know that, capoeira is his life, his daily meditation, his bread and his breath..his ego feeds on that. i really love him so much. and i also know why, because the more i'm coming at peace with myself, the less important his presence and that of others is becoming. because i do not let the collective conciousness deceive my real being. it just is as it is.

and one of the important lessons today besides staying consciouss about pain body rising was that i have to practice what i learn on little things. because it's easier and i can then easier overcome failures that come now and then. i was always trying to master what i read on biggest issues i momentarily have...and of course i failed at times. and failure consequently takes the enthusiasm away and energy...and then we all know what happens....kachiiing, the ego comes back and the voices in your head start controlling you ;)

well, as for my last thought today i will just finish with....rammmmm da.

lessons we learn

2010-05-09T16:09:00.004+02:00

as i said before, there comes a time for everyone, when one is ready to accept the truth and the beauty of life. noone should be worried about others if he sees that people around are suffering because they are unconcious about life, if they don't understand that nothing really matters because everything is exactly as it is supossed to be, and that the only way we can change anything is if we create life in this very moment of now.
i'm amazed. amazed how beautiful my life is, and by learning from my actions every day. when i think i already mastered something, i put myself on a test. yes, it's true we always put ourselves on tests, us alone, nobody else is doing that. people in the situations are only actors of the movie we ourselves are directing. they are not really important. but because we give them importancy, we experience those situations as bad or good, or whatever. but the moment we realise that everything is honored but nothing really matters, and all people around are just teachers that are teaching us OUR own lesson about ourselves, in that moment we can be free from suffering.
and as long as we unconciously pull the energy from others, because we want to feel fullfilled by others instead by ourselves, we will never be calm and peacefull within. because it is a totally misinterpreted approach.

just two days ago i've had another test. i know i created it, and i learned one more thing. what others think about us, doesn't matter. i mean why should it matter? usually we care about others people opinion, when we care about someone. that is because we are energetically connected with that person and we exchange energies. but when we stop that, it doesn't matter anymore. think about it, do you care about what a guy from other part of the world thinks about you? no, because you don't have any interactions with him, and your ego can not feed on his energy. i mean of course we are all part of oneness, but ego feeds on energies of people close to him. and when we are conscious enough to manage to recognize when someone is taking our energy and tries to feed on us, we are also able to cut the connections. and therefore close our energy field for that person. as it is written in celestinian prophecy there are 4 roles in human interactions for power and control. and if we are aware of those roles, we can also consciously deny to play those roles if someone tries to put us in one of them. because power and control are only a reflection of insecure ego that needs to be fed.

and to finish today's post i have to say something. my blog exists for the meere purpose of unfolding of what's going on inside me, and it is not intended for mass popular dispersion among people that know me or not. i think nobody reads it anyway, i don't care if anyone reads it or not, because as far as i am concerned it reaches it's purpose when i write what lies on my mind and press the post button. i've realised that people sometimes get the wrong impression about my blog. it is completely understood, since not everyone has this habit of expressing themselves through writting. but blogs are like personal diaries. and if someone recognises themselves inside my writtings, it is not my fault or anyones fault. i usually don't use names, and when i do, i know it is harmless otherwise i rather avoid it. i hope that if anyone reads my blog, they can be open enough to accept it and maybe think about what i have to say, and maybe...try to gaing something good and inspiring out of it. afterall, we are all students of life.

moč in nadzor

2010-05-09T15:21:00.003+02:00

Četrto spoznanje po celestinski prerokbi je vpogled v bitko za moč in energijo. Konflikti med ljudmi izvirajo iz potrebe po vladanju in nadzoru nad drugimi. V pogovoru z drugim je lahko človek močnejši ali šibkejši, odvisno od tega, ali je v pogovoru prevladal, ali ne. Temu se reče manipulacija. Vse se vrti okoli iskanja načina nadzora, ki bo zagotovil nadmoč nad drugim. To je ves razlog nesmiselnih sporov tako med posamezniki, kot med narodi. Najbolj problematični so te relacije v odnosih staršev do otrok, saj se po tej liniji škodljivi vzorci obnašanja (kraje energije) nezavedno prenašajo iz roda v rod. Po energiji hlepimo zato, ker nas to navdaja z ugodjem in občutkom varnosti. Energetsko telo enega človeka poizkuša zaposesti telo drugega. Na ta način si škodujemo in si krajšamo življenja, vendar pa kratkoročno zmaga prinese motivacijo, ki nas spodbuja k še večjemu nadzoru nad drugimi. Ko posameznik doseže, da se energija poslušalcev steka vanj, se izraža z veliko lahkoto in misli ima kristalno jasne, ima občutek moči, a darilo ne traja dolgo, saj imajo ljudje omejeno energijo. Torej, kraja energije je posledica občutka negotovosti in šibkosti ter boljšega počutja, ko jo dobimo. Se pravi, da četrto spoznanje razgalja veliko tekmovanje za energijo in moč.

Try to be more understanding. The power of the mind lies in perceiving differences; the power of the heart lies in perceiving similarities. Which power are you using?

there is no such thing as coincidence

2010-05-07T14:25:00.003+02:00

do not dwell on your past for it is a meere illusion. i am laughing at all these spiritual saying because they are simply too simple for me to get them. i am happy. i am happy, because i've already have had this glimpses of concious being and i know that it is not impossible to get there again. but i am observing what is going on with me inside and i find it so interesting, because i'm almost as a perfect learning example of all that which i am reading about. i know now, that some of the things that happened in the past if they happened to me now, i would probably try to handle and react to them differently and that i think is a progress. but thinking about it, i had to go through all that for reaching the point i am at now. otherwise i would probably not understand.

these past few days when Patri was here, were so fulfilling. i have never imagined that we have both grown so much and in the same time reached the same state of conciousness. it was truly an overwhelming experience and i feel even more connected with her now. but the other side of this time that i spent with her was that, when she was gone i realised that there are so many people around me, that don't know that side of me. i know it is my fault i guess, because i kinda judge people in sense that i decide whether they are open enough to be able to accept all that i have learned about our conciousness and our ego and everything else. and if i think they are not, i simply don't talk about it with them. i guess that's also okay in a way. because everybody has to personally grow and the transformation starts when one is ready. as it started for me. but the thing is that it's so stupid, that for many of us it has to be something really hard and painfull to wake you up and make you think about all his. well, now i know that pain is mostly our unconcious state and the painfull it is, more unconcious you are about life. and by knowing that, you also know that it is only you that can change that if you want of course. and i surely know i want to get rid of it.

i fucking love my life!!!

DAILY MEDITATION ON THE DAY OF MY BIRTH:

2010-05-05T09:51:00.002+02:00

Let your love flow outward through the universe, To its height, its depth, its broad extent, A limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, Sit or lie down, As long as you are awake, Strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth. - Sutta Nipata

my way

2010-04-30T01:48:00.004+02:00

they say that we must first try to understand who we are not, because it's easier to realise then who we ARE. but saying what i'm not, doesn't necesarily means it's really who i am..because it can also be that i don't want to be all that, but i really am. or by saying what i'm not i already define and abolish that what i'm not? hmm, i don't know...is this my ego again?
i'm playing this funny game inside my head lately...it's called recognise the ego and abolish it! hahaha..seriously, what's going on inside my head is a crazy ride with loads of blind passengers! but i manage somehow to overcome myself and on the end it's a win-win situation...since darkness can never survive in presence of the light. that's a meere fact and it calms me down, because i know that light is within me and i'm the one that can decide whether it will shine or descend. i have the power within me.

Eckhart talks about pain body. that's what happened to me today.. it arose from within and i was fighting with it all day. i know, i know..i'm not supossed to fight it, but i don't know yet in practice how to embrace it and observe it, without identificating with it. i guess that was my today's lecture. and what i've learned from it? well, that light always prevails over darkness...because it happened on the end. and despite the fact that i can not sleep right now...i know myway is the right way, and it's the exact way i've chosen to walk on. no matter what happens to me...i will accept it and learn from it.

being

2010-04-28T14:51:00.004+02:00

I want to share the silence inside me that i've found in the past few weeks. but how does a person share silence, inner peace and all that vastness of life. it is truly almost impossible. but yet i feel it has to be shared. since yesterday i reached certain point in my life, where i don't understand myself anymore, but yet i am calm, cause i know it is okay the way that i feel.
Eckhart Tolle is a great man, great spiritual teacher. i would reccomend his work to anyone. but i know at the same time, that not everyone is ready for what he has to say. and that actually bothers me and worries me, cause i want people to know all about what i know now. how our lives are driven by our ego and we are puppets, unconcious puppets on strings of ego. but that we can also free ourselves from that. i believe that anyone that is ready will find it's way to free himself. but at this point i am also in a great doubt what to do. i will explain what i mean. since i've come to aknowledge that my ex boyfriend has had two girls already after we split up, i've kind of became worried. i don't know why. maybe cause i think i know him and i have a feeling that he is somehow lost himself in this sensless race of life that he gained after we split up. i say gained because that's how i think he thinks. but now, after all that i've been through i watch all his actions from a distance and i am honestly worried about him. i still love him, but not as i did before. and that's why i want to just hold him still and say to him...hey!! stop for a moment and look what you're doing to yourself. it is not the fact that he jumps from one woman to another and all inside a very small group of people that worries me, but the people that he chooses. i know, i have no right to judge others but as i still care about him, i want to tell him something, anything...just to rethink his doings, before he will realise and it will be too late. i feel that he is lost. but at the same time i know he would probably not understand whyt i want to say to him, because i am to him just one of his ex-girlfriends.

why do i want to do that? i don't know. i have no idea. and why i reacted totally different when i realised about one person that is now his girlfriend, and the other that was with him 2 months ago. how is it possible that i freaked out at the first one, and i hugged the other one?? what happened to me? what is going on inside me? all this processes are so deep that i can not understand them. Eckhart said that it's good when one loses himself, meanning not knowing who he or she is...because then you can free yourself from your ego. because you don't identify yourself with forms anymore. is this what's happening to me? i doubt that, because i think i still need more time and that i'm not ready or mature yet..but then again this is au contrare of what he is saying. time is not the issue...actually it is, because you must not wait for something to happen, because it is only now that is happening in this creative moment.

anyways, i started singing again. i am back. and i feel alive. isn't that enough?

life VS. ego

2010-04-22T18:20:00.003+02:00

i already knew that my mind is sometimes possesed by something rather than myself, but i had no idea of whatsoever that it was as deep as this. i am in the process of unfolding who i really am, what kind of things makes me, me. what defines me as myself, and what is only a product of some outter counterpart. there are too many books and experts out there that one could digest. but i think that what we need comes to our path. and i've come to posses a book of Eckhart Tolle called New earth. it is for me one of the books that you could say...KICKED MY ASS! i am still reading and digesting it, and it will probably take me ages to really digest it in the true meanning as understand everything that has to offer. but even now, it's giving me so much.
it talks about EGO. the voice in your head. you know, that little tiny, annoying voice that always occupies your mind. well, you know what...first thing that i've learned rom the book..we are nOT our EGO. i know, strange isn't it!? then who are we? who am I? what am I? i've asked all this questions, but then i just stopped asking and just started reading.
We are. that's it! nothing is good or bad, or nice, or evil or anything...everything is, and all those other adjectives are plain inventions of our ego. because our ego needs to be defined, needs to be appreciated,needs to be loved, needs to be praised and sometimes it even needs to be hurt..because it makes him alive. without outter impulses it does not exists and therefore it dies. but ego is strong, it's tough and it is not easily beaten. so if we want to understand what it is doing to us, we have to get out of our head. we have to become the listener, the observer and so we step onto another dimension of existence. and that's the whole point. understanding the boreder between ego and our true nature which is just Being, existing. and what helps us here is us trying to exist in the present moment. because that is all there is. our ego is bulit up on past experiences, but they do not exist anymore. memories are meere illusions and feelings that come with them are what distracts us from being right here, right now and just enjoying life. past experiences are only of use, when we learn something from them and afterwards let them go. when ego gets in, it wants to hold on to those memories and past experiences, because they define him. but our true existence needs not be defined, therefore it just is. this simplicity which is too complex for our corrupted mind.

p.s. to be continued...

be honest WITH YOURSELF

2010-04-15T09:40:00.003+02:00

on my way to work i was reading those displays on the buses where they try to 'educate' people or just bomb them with useless informations. anyways, what came to my attention was a news about a book that's talking about 2012 and how all over the world there will be massive changes. i feel these changes already, and i'm really confused about them, but in a way this news i've read today made me feel better and calmed me down. why? because all that i am going through right now, kind of seems to have a higher purpose now and therefore is easier to bare. i don't know, i might be just avoiding the truth and responsibility for my actions and everything that's going on, but if i find it easier to bare...is it a crime?

and another thing. lately i'm thinking a lot about altruism. in past few days i've heard this word quite often and everybody told me, it's not really doing any good to me. so i got a little scared. i don't want to end up, being dissapointed over the worlds conciousness which is obviously not so altrusistic as i thought and hoped it would be. obviously my ideas about how this world goes are way too childish and naive?? or what??
i mean, where do i draw a line between me and the rest of the world? until when do i help people in order not to be egoist, and where do i stop because it's harming me? i don't know the line, and i don't think anybody does. but i know one thing....people are more and more egoistic and it hurts me. and past events that happened to me are only making me more and more dissapointed over the people. my sister told me i shouldn't generalise things. and she's right...but if the people i loved and trusted and thought only good about them, acted the way they did...what am i supossed to do?? who can i trust for never letting me down, for never hurting me that much. i know it's utopic thinking nobody will ever let you down and all, i don't mean that. but in the way that happened with my ex and that biatch. i mean....i really don't know, i really think i will need lots of time to trust someone like that again.
but the promise i made to myself after this is, that all the people that i will have any kind of strange feeling about, or my sixth sense will tell me there is something wrong with this picture girl, i'll just start running. away as far as can! i learned a lesson from this. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR MIND IS SAYING!! you have to be honest WITH YOURSELF! not in that egoistic way not carring about others, but in a way where you are the first and most important teacher of yourself, and everything you need to know, you already know...you just have to be attent to recognise it and trust your inner sense! connect with yourself and you will survive in best possible way. your life has to be pure and honest. i think that is the most important thing everyone should do. and starting from today, i'm oppening my heart and listening to what my innerself has to say and i will let it guide me.

everything is just a part of oneness

2010-04-12T13:38:00.004+02:00

do you think it hurts when catterpillar is turning into a butterfly? cause i really hope all this i'm feeling inside right now is going to be worth it one day. they say what matters is the path we walk and not the goal, but it would be so much easier to know why do we have to walk on bumpy road and where does it lead. i try to accept my way and everything that comes with it, because i honestly believe one day i will understand why i had to walk here and why all this people had to act the way they did, for me to learn my lesson. i honestly feel deep down in my heart they are all my teachers and one day i will be strong enough to forgive them all because i will understand why i had to go through all this.

and if you ask me, the catterpillar hurts..but it doesn't ask herself why does it have to suffer, it accepts the hurt as part of life and something with a higher purpose.

poor minded people restricted area!!!

2010-04-08T17:53:00.007+02:00

deleted...for karma purposes...

insomnia

2010-04-04T23:46:00.002+02:00

i wish our mind would be like a machine, like a computer...complicated and complex...but also easy to manage. for example, when i don't want to think, i simply turn it off with one button!!! why can't it be so simple?!?!

2010-04-04T10:27:00.002+02:00

i love it, how same things can be said and explained in so many different way. and how our mind is explicitly unique. why am i saying this. well, the other day i was watching the movie Malice in wonderland and it made me think. and on the end i've came up with a rather interesting conlusion. the point of the movie was trying to make you re-think who we truly are and what determines us. are we made out of previous events and experiences we've lived in our lives or what it truly matters is here an now in no connection to what was before. if we would lose our memory right now, who would we be? would we be anyone? what would determine us as person, individual? would we even know how to live without all that "baggage" of past we usually carry with us? isn't it scary in a way? to think that all we've lived until now, could easily dissapear and make us question our existence, meanning not knowing who we are, what we like, what we hate, what makes us happy, sad, what is our passion, what we love. and yet, isn't it wonderful to think that without all that baggage we can truly be free and liberated of our boxes and we are forced to think outside of a box, because the box does not exist. i'm thinking if that's the point that all those spiritual book are always trying to tell you and teach you. that only thing that really matters is here and now without the past and future. so you see, the same thing that was told to me hundreds of times before, came tomy understanding with one simple movie that i didn't even want to see on the first place. and it was all clear to me. woala...

all is in circles....

2010-04-03T01:26:00.003+02:00

circles..we all move in circles...we think we go our way straight in line, but it's circles really. what goes around, comes around.

broken frames,
so dark inside,
faces mismatched,
trickled up in a lie.

waves of shadows,
scattered dreams,
where are you,
where are you...

trying to find,
what do i see,
pictures that rime,
colors that breathe.

free

2010-03-31T22:44:00.003+02:00

you know that ŠAMAR roka i was talking about some posts back..well, i could really use it right now. but on the other hand i don't exactly know what the fcuk am i feeling inside, which kinda scares me a little. not knowing thyself! who else can if i can't?!

i feel this strange apathic emptiness i've never felt before. pure nothing. actually it's a blessing not feel anything, but also a new dimension that i don't know exactly how to handle. i guess it's too wast for me and i've lost the coordinates.

but if i wasn't searching for anything how can i then get lost? does it mean i'm not even lost? which is good, not being lost...actually meaning then being free?? am i free? is this the feeling of letting go of everything that i've been holding on until now.

stinky ninja

2010-03-20T08:23:00.005+01:00

today i really find my blog stinky. but in a way that's good. because the way i see it it means that i've changed since i wrote previous posts...and change is good and change is normal and sometimes, just once in a while i wanna be normal. yeah, maybe today i'll try to be normal? ...naaaah! =)

radosti življenja

2010-03-13T18:41:00.005+01:00

is life really all about fighting for existence rather than just enjoying the freedom of it? why can't i have this magic wand or a button to press on, when i'm 'out of balance' ? why do i constantly fight and struggle with myself, with people around me? is all this really necesary in order to survive? i think not! i think life should be enjoyed, the problem is that i probably wasn't paying attention when they were teaching me how to do it and now i have to bare the consequences. what do you think? cause i don't know what to do anymore...i'm tired of everything. tired of this constant struggle and the only one that seems to be suffering in this story is me? shit, that was the most patethic sentence i've heard! hahaha, i have to admit i sometimes find myself THE tragic character of the story. you know like those characters in those romantic books...OMG! how patethic! i was talking to Špela today and she had this genius idea...it can not be translated, but she said why can't i just have a giant ŠAMAR ROKA so that i could slap someone with it when i'd feel like it! of course that someone is a particular person which i would rather not mention, to avoid any problems in future.

anyways my dear readers...today is not the best day for thoughts like this, since my hormones and my yesterdays activities (drinking and stuff) are messing with my balanced or should i rather say UNbalanced mind...so let that one depressing moment i've already had in the afternoon be enough for today and from now on it's only VIVA POSITIVA! i'll try to dance my troubles away...how about that? let's visit Tetkine radosti, what can be more joyfull than some of that good old 70's funk with groovy people and dancing feet...

mental clearance

2010-03-11T22:22:00.004+01:00

it is funny...and how true it is the saying that change is the only constant thing in our lives. we change all the time, this blog is pure evidence of it. in one post i claim our ability to think is a curse and in the next i praise it. of course my mental state is the source of it all. in the past few days i'm having these interesting almost a bit freaky thoughts running through my mind. my friends say i'm just making a clearance in my mind, kind of like a big spring cleanning. and i say, thank you it's going on only in my head otherwise the main character of my thoughts would get damn hurt. so, what are these thoughts? i'm beating the hell out of my ex-boyfriend. many of you know i train capoeira so in my mind i'm doing capoeira with him and i'm doing it really hardcore and thanks to ability to control my own thoughts i can make him weak, because in real life he would probably beat the hell out of me. so what! here i am the master of disaster and it feels damn good! i am not a violent person at all that's why i said that the thoughts are freaky, but as long as they are only thoughts i think it's okay. the only thing that bothers me with that is, that hate and jealousy are one of the lowest kinds of feeling and since i consider myself somehow emotional inteligent person i do not like what i'm feeling. but on the other hand i just try to accept what i feel and let it go through...as this is supossed to be a 'normal' procedure in my shituation.

couple of weeks ago my ex-ex boyfriend visited me and told me he wishes i would stop suffering over this guy, because i am a nice and good person and he doesn't like to see me like this. i so much want to be over him already, but i told him it is so hard for me and that i don't know how. he kind of wanted to give me some friendly advice...but on the end before i fell asleep i realised that he is also suffering, and as much as i wanted his words and advices to be true and easy to follow, i felt he feels the same pain as i do. but i'm glad we got together after three years, since now i can be friends with him again. i guess it gives me hope that one day maybe it will be the same with this ex-boyfriend.

not for sale...

2010-02-21T23:29:00.003+01:00

i wonder why when we grow older, we stop believe in stories? is it because our imagination is uncapable of understanding and intepret them, or because we've heard so many of them by the time we get old, that we don't want to be disapointed every time they end,and we realise that they're actually just stories. i don't know why, but i don't want to be non believer. i don't want to end up grumpy and dull one day. there are many interpretations of what is love. i usually go with the one that it is meere chemistry that provides our specie to reproduce and by feeling love we are able to atract a mate to produce our offspring. nothing phylosophical about it, totally rational and easy to adopt right? well, why then it is so hard when one of the mates does not go with the procedure, we understand it. why for god's sake does it hurt, and it takes so long to get over it...if it is just a tool against extinction?

i don't know the answer. but the closest one i've come up with is this one. because we are cursed with ability to think. we can not merely do what our nature tells us to do and not think about the reason for doing it. so we give meanning to things, and one of them we've named love and it is one of the most hot themes we talk about, think about, sing about, dream about.
spiritualists call it the ultimate feeling, the source of everything. of course there is also a discussion about different types of love. and lots of interpreteurs think that love between two people is lower rated than other types. and everyone agrees on one thing, and that is...that the most important version of love is the love towards thyself. and the second one, right after that one is love towards everything around us, all living creatures, the one they say only few can feel, and many fail to achieve, yet many try all their lives. divine love. but here i ask, how can one even try to achieve divine feeling of love if one fails with love towards another human being. what is harder? and who's fault it is if love between two, does not remain?

my heart is definetly not for sale, and i wouldn't give it up ever. but i would like to share what's hidden inside it.

just a story...

2010-02-15T17:10:00.002+01:00

let me tell you a story...it's about a boy and a girl...no, about a GIRL and a boy! =) so, there was this nice, smart, pretty and kind girl and there was this funny, nice, wierd and smart boy. they had no clue what to do in their lives, all they knew is they have to enjoy it and feel good about whatever they do. sure, there were bad moments, and moments of sadness and grief in their lives, but on the end they've both somehow managed to come out of it and always see the bright side of life. the wierd thing was that, they just couldn't manage to work it out together. so their lives came together and tear them apart, and again brought them together. in a way i guess they've both knew they are perfect for each other, but on the other hand they were just not ready for each other. there were so many things they've had to learn, they just couldn't learn them together. but no matter how far away from each other they went or who came on their way...there was something about that same sparkle they've both had in their eyes. none of them understood why or where or how they will meet again, but then again, maybe it's sometimes for the best NOT to think too much...

to be continued...probably ;)

feijoada da minha vida

2010-02-11T09:08:00.004+01:00

tou com saudade no meu coraçăo...

yeah i know i said i'm getting better, but life always has hundreds of surprises prepared for me. and one of them i also making me feel as if i'm getting crazy! my mind is so much preoccupied with only one thought which i can not get out of my head. i hate it! i know, i know.. my attitude towards it is in total contrast with what i've been thought in all the books and movies about creating your own life...but it's damn hard! yeah sure, nobody said it was gonna be easy, but i didn't expect it to be SO hard! what the f*** is happening to me!? i finally wanna be able to function normally without having these obsessions inside my mind. but for now the most i can do is shut my mind for maximum of couple of moments and then it comes back.
i was seriously considering going to specialist of somekind to help me, cause it's killing me this kind of life! it's eating me from the inside...
but hey, everybody says it's gonna pass...and everybody is NOT where i am and sometimes i just don't believe them, cause it hurts so much!

buzz-niz

2010-02-04T18:33:00.003+01:00

you know how i know i'm getting better? when i stop to write posts regularly. when my mental state is relatively okay...i can easily get ocuppied with loads of stuff! world is full of interesting things actually, but if your mind is a chaos..you are not able to recieve because you're too full of your own shit so to say. you know what i mean?

well anyways...condiering the fact i'm getting better, what do i do in my free time? but what is free time anyways? i guess when you are doing what you want to do...so basically you can call your work also a free tmeif you like to do it? how kool is that!
but i had in mind more the after work activities. well, since i am distancing myself from capoeira family from certain personal reasons (which) i guess everybody knows very well, i have more time to do other interesting stuff. for the time being it's bussines.

YEAH, you've read it..i'm actually actively attending various workshops and conferences on economy, bussiness and similar themes. i have no idea how on earth i ended up in this society, but i must admit it does not feel uncomfortable at all anymore, as it seemed on the beggining. i now actually understand thingsi hadn't had a clue before going there. and i actually started working on my idea of starting a bussiness on my own. it does not seem that impossible and so far it's all going into right direction. and i really believe that i'm gonna end up being a very succesfull woman one day! my friends, every day is the first day of the rest of our lives..so we better start living!

advice

2010-01-25T15:14:00.005+01:00

i love moments of revelation...as i've just had one, i am inspired to share it with you! many people would like to lose weight right?

so, today my friendz i would like to share my experience and give 'advice' how to lose weight:
1. move from your parents house
2. change your way of eating (no more mothers kitchen, only toast and soya milk)
3. if you're broke don't eat (maybe a soup per day)
4. your boyfriend must dump you so that you feel really bad and you really don't feel like eating at all
5. try to have a very stressfull job
6. along with stressfull job try having a thing you must do after work and takes a lot of your energy (such as graduation thesis to finish)
7. and of course you should be worried all the time, how will you pay your bills and your food, since your company is not giving you regular salary
8. and beside all this, you should exercise regularly (at least half an hour per day)

you see, it is not easy to lose weight, are you still sure you want to go through all this??...so just try to be happy with yourself and making everyday a better day for you, with little things!!

2010-01-21T19:59:00.002+01:00

''Go to the farthest edge of the farthest edge so that I may know myself in my fullness.''

''We have come to know ourselves not by how we perceive ourselves in relationship to that which is around us, but instead have learned to perceive our relationship to all that is around us based on what those around us think of us. ''

''The Shift we have all been waiting for has now arrived and is rapidly expanding within, through and around each of us. It is in the process of changing everything that we know and more particularly how we know and how we experience what we know.''

today i was inspired by these three sentences. Everyday is a new experience. and all this talk about changes there, changes here is actually becoming my reality. i try so hard to understand everything that's going on around me and especially the purpose of it all...sometimes too hard. i often have to remind myself i shouldn't be so impatient, which i know is one of my weakness. that is also why i give up on many things if i don't get the reults as fast as i would want to. but i know this time i have to hold on to my path, my research, my seeking. because it is now too obvious that what is happening to me is all just a tiny part of a bigger picture which i now don't yet see and understand. anyways, what i wanted to say is that i stopped digging a hole in the sand and went forward seeking for the end of the desert. it's still a struggle, but at least i know who i am struggling with and why. it is myself and i struggle to understand what i've came here to learn.

dip into the deep

2010-01-15T00:16:00.002+01:00

who really knows me, who is the person that knows the most inner me? all the ideas i have, dreams i have, how i think, how i react, how i feel? sometimes all i see around me, are strangers. among my friends even i sometimes don't feel the connection. it's frightening and yet misteriously amusing...all the secret me that's hiding inside and nobody really knows.
i am so hurt aright now, so fucked up and sad as i don't think i ever was in my entire life. and with all this, i also feel the loneliest person ever. as if there is a vast desert all around me, and everywhere i look i just see thirsty trees and rocks. and as my arms are digging the sand to find water, i just fall deeper and deeper. i probably should stop digging, but it seems as if there is no point if i do it or not. nothing seems to change. and i am not feeling strong enough to keep walking and move on to another spot, i ran out of energy for making steps.

i wonder how deep is the desert?

fold the past

2010-01-09T22:04:00.003+01:00

the most amazing thing happened today. i'm still not sure what to think about it, but i just had to write a post about it. anyways here's what happened. i'm going through some rough times right now and i was thinking i need to re-focus my interests in order to get over my ex-boyfriend and other wierd bad stuff. just out of nowhere these funny idea came to my mind today that i will start to fold origami. it is a creative and interactive thing, and it also gets your whole attention. it's perfect i thought!
so i googled it and found some basic diagrams with nice video tutorials to go with it. at first i had some troubles, but then i started to enjoy it very much and i can now proudly announce i have some 10 cranes decorating my living room.
in the meanwhile i was thinking i can download some movies for the evening. so i went and searched. didn't really have any idea what movies i could watch, so i just downloaded several without knowing if they're any good.
okay, that's nothing unusual i know. before that in the afternoon i watched this movie that was exactly about what i am going through right now and i was thinking to myself...haha Maja, do you see any resemblence with the guy in the movie!??? god damn i did! and i felt pathetic and sympathetic at the same time. on the end there was a 'moral teaching' that said there is no faith there are just meere coincidences...
so, here we go back to the origami part. once i've went to bed starting to watch a movie, i was really dissapointed, because out of 5 movies, only the 5th one was watchable..and guess what it was about!????? ORIGAMI!!!
meere coincidence...i don't know what to think about it, but i find it really funny and amazing!

religioulos...

2010-01-08T10:50:00.004+01:00

i decided i'll become Shinotist...but then i realised i already am one, without knowing....well, except for the funny wardrobe and umbrellas.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shinto

http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2056.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/shinto/

the way, my way

2010-01-02T21:17:00.004+01:00

i'm sitting here in my little safe bee hive i now call home. all is quiet and the scent of vannila is spreading through my nostrils. today i am sad. but i think i did the bravest thing. i will probably regret it couple of times, before my heart calms down and start to beat on his own, but i had to do it for the sake of myself and selfrespect. so, i'm on my own again. scared as hell...but determined to survive in this jungle.
past month i was playing a lot of loud music while staying home alone. it is so true when people say that chaos and loud voices around us, distract us from hearing what is going on inside us. and when the music stops and you hear your heart beat...you just wish you weren't there. but the thing is, that you can't escape anywhere...cause it's you that's bleeding.

and now after all this december craziness, i am ready to hear the silence and listen to what it has to say to me. i am ready to find my way back to me.

must be the music

2009-12-31T14:20:00.002+01:00

finding joy in moments is the only thing that gets me going on and preventing me from having a breakdown. i feel like shit, but i chose to survive.

it must be the music that's making me uplift my spirit...thank god for the music!

anger, jealousy and fear...

2009-12-29T04:19:00.003+01:00

dear readers...today i want you to expect rather different post than usual. i am obviously angry. why i say obviously...cause tonight whilst cruising around the city with my friendz i was constantly having moments of selfpity and me-being-angry-at-all-men. good thing i have friendz that understand me and support me, otherwise i really have no idea where would i end.
in these past weeks i am dealing with an unknown feeling inside me, and it's called jealousy. unknown to me...cause i've never felt it before and to be honest i have no idea how to handle it, no idea. i really don't want to end up like some crazy woman at her 30's all neurotic and distrustfull...so for now i'm kind of trying to just convince myself with pure sanity and rational mind that i'm being silly and i should really stop having these feelings inside, otherwise i'll end up nowhere. but being honest, it's only a short term solution, they keep coming back.
and the part where i get angry is, where i can not understand how can i not be strong enough to stop loving a person, while the person already according to him dealt with these emotions and feelings and is now liberated from me...well, at least according to him. and today whilst walking home in the middle of the night, i started thinking and came to the solution that it was maybe me, who thought this person to 'take it easy' and go easy on your life and situations. and now, i'm the one suffering. how ironic is that?? i don't know who am i angry at? myself? why?

2009-12-23T22:28:00.003+01:00

i got this flower from my family on the day of my graduation. it was all shiny and beautiful standing on my kitchen table. the dayz passed by, and for me everyday brought something new and something bad (i really had a rough week). at least that's the way i saw it. and today was the day of my grandmothers funeral. and when i returned home, i found my beautiful flower without almost any flower on it. they all fell down on the table as if they would know what kind of a day was today. at least that's the way i saw it and that's how i thought within myself when i got home.
but then my sister came to visit me. and she was also at the funeral of course. but when i told her what happened to the flower, she laughed and didn't see any ''symbolism'' in the situation. for her it was just an ordinary act of nature. of course flowers die eventually if they are cut.
that's when i started to think. how great it is for us, to be able to change situations. because nowhere is written how am i supossed to feel when my flower dies, i get to choose it by myself. and i chosed to be sad, when my sister just reacted differently. it's a choice we always have, we just sometimes think we don't and we forget WE ourselves are the actors and the makers.
naturally the strenght within us has to be filled from somewhere, and we all are feeling lost and down sometimes, but seeing oportunities to change in situations like the one i described up, that's the right thing to do. at least i see it like that.

i've thought about this kind of ''symbolism'' and how everything is a sign long time ago when i broke up with my boyfriend. but with time i realised as i was getting up to my feet, that it is ONLY me that gives the meanning to this situations, because in that time i was still emotionally attached to him. because after a while i didn't see those so called ''signs'' anymore.

and as it goes for my flower...next time i hope i get one in the pot.

teachers of life

2009-12-22T00:24:00.004+01:00

so...here iam, the newly born educated, graduated intelectual.... and where's all the fireworks and ethusiasm?!? long gone...died the next day... okay, i admit it does feel damn nice when i can sign myself as graduated landscape architect...but as it seems therewill be no opportunity to do so for a while obviously. what am i talking about? about my so called job, which i thought i had. it looks like, life has prepared a new ride for me to go on to. having no idea where it will take me and having no guarantee if i'll make it out alive and with no wounds.
but as i always say...in this life of mine i wanna be the creator so i'll fight and create no matter what it will take me. there is no safety line that i can hold on to so all i can do is to feel confident, take one step at the time and not lose faith and will. as one great mind said...great mindz discuss ideas, average mindz discuss events, poor mindz discuss people..so, let's discuss some ideas and move forward.
cause all we have is here and now, the past is already gone we can not change it, but we can make our future. today i am gratefull.

i am gratefull for having this really special person in my life. she has given me so much, probably not even knowing and i know i still have a lot tolearn from her. she is what i never thought i'll have..my spiritual teacher. so today i thank the universe for sending her in my life to give me strength and guidance.

to give is to recieve...

in and out, but always forward....

2009-12-08T12:33:00.004+01:00

i've never believed that simple breathing excercise could change my life, but it did. well, not changed it drastically, but it does have an effect over persons mind and general state of health i think. but when you look at it a little deeper, it is logical...breathing is the esential movement of our being. if you cut away everything, every thought that comes to your mind, every feeling that's inside you, every physical condition be it bad or good...what's left is your breathing. that's the essential you. and by going to that place, you are present in the moment.

i understand why a lot of people reccomend trying to get in the present moment, because only there it is what it is, everything else is meere ilusion of something that has already been or is yet to come...and there is absolutely no possible way of how you can change that. the only truth is here and now. i know, i know...you've heard it million times...but did you really get it!?

i think one of the most important things that i've learned in past few years is that in my life I myself am the creator of my life and not a victim of different situations. by knowing that i no longer suffer because i feel helpless and fragile, but i try to find the path that will lead me on, and teach me a lesson from past situations. why waste time in crying over the good and bad times that are already gone, rather than that i create new situations and evolve. it is simple, we just don't believe it's that simple so we don't see it that way.

breathe...

oh, this silence without you

2009-11-21T19:54:00.002+01:00

change is the only permanent thing in our lives. the one who's afraid of change is probably afraid of loss. if one is aware that everything is as it's supossed to be, no change will scare him, because he will understand that it's just the way it goes. and once we accept that fact, we also see things and people differently. we no longer are afraid of losing someone. therefore we have to understand that by changing we always atract those people that are in the same state as we are, we are in harmony, with same vibration.

the hardest thing is to really understand that with your heart. we all can talk about things, situations and people until we are actually inside that situation. for me this is the real test if you truly understand what that means.
and as for me, i know it's damn hard for someone who had just for instance broke up with his partner to understand that he or she has to let go, cause it has come the time when one has learned what he came into this relationship to learn and has to move on. and when you cry in the pillow at night, how on earth can you think about letting go, when all you feel is pain and sadness.

i guess that means that the person is not mature enough to reach that level, or is it because right at this point that exact situation gave him the oportunity to learn about changing, unconditional love and acceptance.

whatever it is...i'm learning.

i'm in food mood

2009-11-02T15:44:00.007+01:00

i've been watching some scary movies this weekend. and i don't mean scary because of the vampires and killers and imaginary killer dolls..but because of the real killer machines called food industry. i found my food disgusting that day and didn't really have any apetite.

but i have to eat eventually right, because of that kind of movies i get worried what to eat and where to buy food. in a way i'm luck not living in USA, cause Europe is at least for now little kinder to it's consuming population, but nobody can guarantie us, that in a couple of years our crops won't be owned by Monsanto or some other Monsanto-like corporation. nobody can guarantie me, that the chicken i'll buy will not be grown in closed tube-like house without windows where thatpoor chicken will never see a sun ray. not that it matters to the chicken whether it sees the sun or not...but it's natural.

i don't know what to think about my future, how to prevent my food to be genetically modified or my meat to contain bacterias or antibiotics or i don't know what kind of wierd unnatural stuff, without me being aware of it and being able at least to have a choice. i am willing to pay more for the food that is less 'contaminated' that's my choice. but it is totally absurd that the more the food is modified, cheaper it is! i don't want an apple that will make me sick with some virus or bacteria, even if it costs one third of an bio apple.

2009-09-03T16:19:00.005+02:00

i'm not sure what my post is going to be about. but i felt the urge to say something, not just because i haven't done so in a quite some time now, but also because i want to move forward and somehow i've always done it with the help of writting my thoughts down on a paper or a blank page on the computer. anyways i've read that e-paper is coming and it's gona be cheaper than oldschool paper so i guess in two years or so i'll be literally able to say that i'm writting my thoughts down on the computer, cause at the moment i'm not writting but typing them. so...what is on my mind you wanna know? well, if you don't i certainly do. many things, many things. yesterday my father asked me a simple question. he asked me what i wanna do in my life and that everyone has a mission, a purpose..what is mine. he tried to convince me that everyone's purpose should be to make a big family, but i didn't agree. but than i started to think WHAT is my purpose then, what i wanna do in my life for real? i've heard so many stories from people i know, from people i don't know about how a person is happy if his job is something that he loves to do. and here i kind of stopped. because i don't think that all...i mean i love my job, i wouldn't change it but i somehow feel that maybe this is something i don't want to do my whole life.

this may sound little strange as i've already had some friends looking at me wierd, but i want to help people find themselves, i want to tell them life is the only thing they've got and they have to live it here and now. i don't know what qualifies a person to give advice about that sort of stuff, but i think if i with my positive energy feel that i have something to give to others and i want to give it..that is a great start and i'm fully qualified to act. i'm usually not a person that goes around giving 'smart' advices to people if they don't ask me for it, but i know a lot of people likes to be around me, cause i always try to be positive and even when i'm not, i'm aware that being depressed and without energy is not exactly something to hold on to, but it's better to try to solve the situation and get out of it as soon as possible.
so, i'm receving these emails from various people that succeded in their life by living according to certain methods, ideas, philosophy. but they all come together at one point...your thoughts are what you are, consequently if you think bad, pesimistic and sad thoughts that is how you are projected on the outside and of course on the contrary nice, optimistic and happy thoughts result positive people. of course it is impossible always to be high on life as i say, but the important part is to recognize your true self and expand it to the fullest potential possible.

so, these are my dreams..and dreams are there to be dreamt and to sometimes come true. but it's better to have a dream that maybe doesn't come true than to not have anything to dream about.

what is little L...

2009-07-25T12:31:00.002+02:00

To experience love, we must go inside. When you experience real love you get into a state which is beyond words. You are filled with a joy that goes beyond all emotions. True love is the love of the inner Self. - Swami Muktananda

soleeeee mio

2009-05-07T13:18:00.005+02:00

i'm back from London. and the first thing that i realised whilst my journey is that i need sun and sea and mediterrain. it's where i wanna go and where i feel the best. i got this crazy idea in my head that i will buy a small land somewhere down there by the seaside and maybe one day build a mini wekend house. that would be really great!

and the summer is coming, i'm feeling it now that i'm back, because there in London the weather is nothing but pleasant i must say. i guess it's just not my thing. i was always more of a sunny and warm person.

pasta, mare, sole...to je to! =)

circles of life

2009-04-26T13:57:00.002+02:00

as every year for the past few years, i'm travelling again. it's a thing that i must do at least once per year. and it doesn't matter how far it is, as long as it's over the borders of my country. not that i don't like my country.. i love it! but we have to migrate in order to grow, to develop, see the world. i need it and i'm happy that i can afford it, so far so good.

this time i'm of to London. i know, i know... how come i've never been there? well, i haven't..i've had other interests, but this time, Bojana is living there so i have the perfect chance to visit her and Jure and experience London for 10 days. and this time i'm travelling with Aleš. that's gonna be an interesting experience. i've never traveled with a boyfriend before, only my friends. and i think it's great that we're going together, cause i kind of got used to having him around and i wanna see if being together 24/7 for 10 days will bring us a new dimension in our relationship.

just a couple of moments ago i had an intersting conversation with my dad. i'm not sure, but it was one of our best talks in years. we actually did not end arguing and screaming over each other. i'm still in shock!=)

anyways, i have some packing to do...tata!

dor que mim ensina

2009-04-18T19:41:00.004+02:00

năo sei porque, mas cada vez que eu me ouço lingua portuguesa ou um som brasileiro...mim faz feliz ou melhore pelo menos. pode ser que o vibraçăo do essa lingua ou esse povo ta magica...

tou sentido muito mal por caso da minha costa. mim ta doendo tanto e eu năo posso fazer nada. nem dormir, sentar, andar...se eu năo uso medicina é todo sem nenhum efeito. so musica brasileira ta mim melhorando o minha situaçăo.

i know i should try to ignore the pain and think happy thoughts, but with all this pain it's hard. it's bringging me down. i hope it gets better soon, cause we're supossed to have roda for Simon's birthday party! viva a musica!

wait or live

2009-04-11T16:56:00.002+02:00

that's the way i like it...all sunny and positive! and with one eye i'm always searching what might be wrong with this picture, cause it can't be all that perfect right..there must be a system error somewhere, we just didn't find it yet ;) ehehe!
but despite all this suspicion that's the way it should be and the way i deserve it. and i don't wanna wait in vein for my life...i wanna live it.

ommmmađijaj me....

2009-03-30T22:30:00.002+02:00

how empty do we feel once we finish doing something that was hanging upon us for long time. not completed, but empty. no matter the nature of the subject that was there. it's because it was always somewhere there, in the darkest corner of our head...always ticking, scratching, itching...and suddenly it's gone.

my life is changing so much. i am so happy. and so calm. and so excited. and worried also. because i just can not believe that all this great things are really here around me, happening to me, to me you know... the funny, strange, special me. i know i'm an expert in idealising people and situations...but it's different now. cause it's kina real..and i'm aware it's not hundred percent perfect, cause it can't be... but the general picture is! the details are always little twisted, but the general picture is a masterpiece...a masterpiece of the life i'm creating everyday with my own hands and head!

2009-03-25T15:06:00.003+01:00

i've read and article about stress this morning, it was kinda educating, meanning that it explained and gave me new point of view of the word stress. my job is very stressful. and as i've read this article the most important thing is that stress depends on the point of view you're taking. it can also be stress with positive effects.

but when you are in a situation that you find stressful, it is hard to remember and practice what you read. at least i've come to this point in my life. so i took 10 minutes of my time to write this post and try to figure out what is really the situation about, and can it be turned into a positive one. let's say it can...

2009-03-12T00:57:00.003+01:00

dear reader...if you are actually digesting my wierd posts, i would like to remind you, that you probably can find something better to do. but if you insist, i hope you gain at least a tiny glimpse of knowledge, pleasure, joy, fun or anything else worth remembering from my posts. it's funny though, cause i don't actually know who am i writting this blog for. is it for myself, as i substituted my very personal diary with publishing online, or is it for some unknown reader out there, that i want to adress. i guess it's for the both, as i've always been sort of extroverted. and also because of the nature of today's lifestyle. i don't find it so wierd if i publish my thoughts here, although it is so very personal sometimes that even my closest friends don't know about. but i guess it's easier sometimes to just send a paragraph of your deepest thoughts out to the unknown world as to methaporically get rid of them. you know what i mean..?...

anyways, today's message was nothing special, i'm just enjoying the late night hours which i haven't done for some time now, since i started to work regularly. the sweet essence of the night's silence and peace.....how beautiful.

ground zero

2009-02-19T10:02:00.003+01:00

.... i already wrote half of the post, but then i deleted it. it was about my health and my bad juju. and then i decided to erase it, cause i don't like to see, hear or even smell bad energy around me. okay, i know we should not live in denial, but thinking about it all the time won't make it better either.

so i decided it's time to take action...and do something about it. what? i still don't know, but i'll start by cleanning my room...and i mean cleanning in several ways, to get rid of all the unnecesary stuff that's lying around and oppening channels of good energy to start flowing again.

let's jam....starting from zero

personal achievements

2009-02-16T20:52:00.003+01:00

i was really proud of myself today. there had been several situations that demanded my reaction and i handled them quite good i'd say. the thing is that i'm trying to practice a new phylosophy in my life, new approach more oppened and freeing as to say. and definetly sticking up for myself what i often lack of. i am content with my progress and with some of the conclusions that i came up with today.
1. i am emotionaly quite rehabilitated from my bad experience in the past (and what i learned in theory, i now use in practice)
2. i see progress in saying what i think
3. i am on a good way to analysing my emotions and properly handling them.

it was a hard day, but it ended to be the first day of the rest of my life which i'm looking forward to.

satis-fiction

2009-02-04T12:57:00.003+01:00

i'm jammin' ...

i live in a capsule of my own reality. here i feel safe and i can express myself. i don't know if i conciously try to stay here and refuse to accept the common reality as my own but i don't see why should i enter in a world i don't wanna accept. i mean, i do know what is going on around me, i understand how things flow and that not everything is nice and comfortable, but does that oblige me to accept that rules and live by them. i think not!

i am hurt and disapointed lots and lots of times due to this naive and innocent world of mine, but better to crush a couple of times than to lose yourself and surrender into some wierd, unexplainable and cruel world. my dad is always giving me advice and challenging me to face unpleasant situations saying that this is how i shall learn to confront the world out there. i understand him in a way, but i also want to stay true to myself, my ideas.

well, that's what i wanted to say, i'm happy where i am.

super duper sonična jaz

2009-02-02T17:48:00.001+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojs5R3enDjc

i'm supersonic!

back to life, back to 3D

2009-01-31T19:12:00.003+01:00

yesterday night i was out, you know socialising in a good old way, not through some social network on the internet or anything. i was actually physicaly there, moving my hands, feet and mouth. and it so happened that i ran to some of old schoolmates way back from primary school. i would have probably not even recognise them if i wouldn't be madly in love with one of them in my 8th garde..heheh! anyways, but that was not the thing i wanted to say, what i was gona talk about is..that today when i was thinking about our conversation it seemed to me that whaever we've said someone mentioned fuc*** facebook. ''oh, is it really you? i probably wouldn't recognise you, if i wouldn't see you on facebook.'' or ''yeah, we should totally have a reunion, it would be fun. we can gather peoples contacts on facebook.''
and stuff like that...and i was always repeating...uhmmm, yeah well i DON'T have a facebook profile anymore dude. and they would all look at me as if i had fallen from another planet. and again i'm an outcast...as i kinda always was, always trying to reach somewhere noone did before, looking for new interesting things and so on. i was probably one of the earliest people who've had FB, because on the beggining i even didn't talk about it, cause i thought people have enough to do with old fashioned myspace which i also banned long time ago. but it started to spread and spread and suddenly almost everyone had a profile..well, almost everyone, Špela didn't! and i'm kinda proud of her.

and then it also happens that someone banned and cracked one of my groups i've made there. dunno what happened when i left FB, but people are telling me that someone abused my group and turned it into something i've never wanted it to be. that's totally wicked, rude and unpolite and after hearing that i was all upset.

anyways....what kind of phenomena is it? none of the other social networks had such an impacton majority. well, except maybe Orkut in Brasilian population and the ones that have some friends from Brasil. but Orkut is somehow not so appealing. i would say it's their lousy design. i personally don't like my orkut profile how it looks. dunno...
but it's freaky don't ya think? well what am i asking you for..if you're reading my blog, you're probably a FB user too.

twilight zone....

2009-01-29T13:49:00.005+01:00

heh, i had a funny idea about today's post. thank ggod not all of my post are boring and serious and need an inteligent reader to figure them out. sometimes i admit even i don't understand them on the end anymore.khm, well..back to the today's funny post.

anyways, i hope i will not insult anyone, keep in mind i was also one of the people that tried it.
what am i talking about? internet dating and friendship.

it's just that i'm a very opened person and for me it's a delight if i find a person i feel pleasure talking to. no matter the way of my comunication. and so it happened tome, that in my early years as a internet user, of course i had to try on-line dating. but it wasn't that i was looking for the love of my life on-line, no i was meeting people in chat rooms, forums and stuff. and since they were really funny and smart i thought..oh what the hell, let's do this. well, it was only like 3 times or so, but none of the meetings turned out as i imagined. of course not! cause you can't just imagine something to turn out...hehehe!
nevertheless, i'm still a good friend with one of the people i've met like this and we share common interest in acting and performance.

i was kinda always seeing myself as if i'm different from those that do on-line dating regularly or at least more than 3 times. but am i? i don't know exactly what would make me different, but on the other hand i am different. cause i certainly had more relatonships that started right ahead in the real world without any intervention of the virtual world. we definetly need to socialise. and that's why i decided one day that i'll ban my facebook profile. cause i thought to myself....what the f*** do i need FB for if i have the people that i love around me. sure i don't deny i wasn't happy to find all the long lost people i once knew, but in reality, what do i gain if i add them as my friends? let me tell you, absolutely nothing.

p.s. my on-line datig history goes way back before FB even existed, just for the record.

it seems, i'm kinda captured between two worlds that both attract me but i always have to remind myself which one counts more in life. because no matter what, people always pretend in this or that way and computers give us perfect chance. but me as always, somehow believe people are good and there is no need to pretend in front of someone you don't even know, right? right!

who is you, what am i?

2009-01-25T11:26:00.002+01:00

don't let your life pass you by. it is very, very important to know one thing in life. that noone can make you happy. if you want happines look inside yourself. and when you find it, spread it. and you'll learn to accept responsiblity for your own life. and then you'll stop obsesively look for your other half, or someone to make you happy, and only then you shall be prepared for a relationship.

i'm reading this book, it's about heroin addict and his path towards salvation. and i now am starting to understand, how being a human is not an easy task for some people. well, i knew that before, but i didn't know someone can get so lost. and i don't mean in using drugs and all...that's only helping them to get even more lost, but that someone can fel so empty and lost inside, not knowing who he is. it is terrible and i'm really happy i'm as i am.

but on the other hand there's the second part of the book, that shows you also the other side and what it means to get yourself out of there and build yourself again into a strong, kind, loving, real human. and i respect that more than anything. because by looking at those kinda people that made it, it makes me reflect my own mistakes, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. and makes me think about what kind of person i am. and i know there are many things i could change and i have no right in judging anyone, anywhere because i am certainly not perfect and nor is anyone. best thing is just to try our best in being good.

bow to the rain.... rain bow

2009-01-15T00:11:00.002+01:00

there are ups and downs. i know that and everybody knows that, but still we are so worried if such a day comes when we simplydon't know what has gotten into us, why do we feel bad, or sad or simply without a will to get up in the morning.i can't explain why it comes to this but it happens to everybody. even to people like me and other rainbow folks...we do have rainy days when we need some sunny support from others. we are humans afterall. i learned to analise such states of mine. i simply go through the current situation and try to figure what could be the cause of it. sometimes i get to a conclusion, and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel better afterwards, and sometimes i don't. there are times when i feel from deep inside that i don't want to solve the current state but it's a dangerous thing, because quickly i fall into this self pity state. terrible i tell you! but soon i realise this is not the way to get back into my shape and i actually start to annoy myself, so then i get tired of being in a wierd bad mood, and i seek to find little sunray that picks me up and takes me on into the world of rainbows.
that's how it is, it's called life and there's nothing we can do against it. the best thing is to accpet it and live with it...hahaha!

gutten nacht my little rainbow

p.s. this post is for my rainbow, she knows who she is ***

go go go

2009-01-05T23:07:00.002+01:00

i got this feeling again... i have to move somewhere. travelling is the ultimate answer.

my first, my last...day

2008-12-31T12:33:00.002+01:00

i have three things that can describe my december...presents, COLD and alcohol. not really promising huh? but you know, you always comfort yurself it will get better in the next year.. hehehe! wel, i'm not saying it's bad, it's just that i realised how all this euphoric karma all around gets you in the flow and suddenly you find yourself kinda lost one morning when you wake up. but hey, i guess we need to losen up a little once in a while.

so lets see the most important things that happened this year. hmm, it is kinda hard to sum it up..i don't even remember everything that happened but seemed very important at the time. it's because we live here and now and the things that already passed are losing their importancy, i guess. for me i guess one of the most important things is Aleš coming into my life. i was just thinking beofore that i wished for him years ago, and now he's here. i actually was thinking about him, i just didn't know it was him then. and here he is, teaching me things everyday even if he isn't aware of it. i think i'm becoming different or at least trying to, cause i admire some of his virtues that i am also longing to have. not to become the same as him, but cause i've always wanted to change some things but couldn't. he is my teacher, my friend and my lover.

the next thing is my diploma. slowly coming to the end of it. not the biggest nightmare anymore. kinda strange though, cause for two years it was like a heavy cloud over my shoulders. but we survived that too.

and my sister moved away. my roommate since she was born. i still can't remove her things from the room, cause it feels strange if she ever comes for a visit and not having anything of hers in the room. but i'm happy for her. cause i know how hard it is to stay at home.

there is also my capoeira. i can't even believe it sometimes how it gets to me. not just capoeira itself, but especially the people there. and my role inside the group is more often a burden than a pleasure. that is definetly one of the things i will have to handle.

but on the end i always say to myself...it is not the new year that will bring me changes, cause it is always ME that has to act. so no matter new year or middle of august, it is when you move from talking to action when things begin to change.

25.12.

2008-12-24T22:10:00.003+01:00

i really don't feel like talking about my feelings about christmas and all that comes with it...but if i would have to tell one thing i like about christmas is that i love the colored lights all over the house and the smell of a fresh christmas tree. the end.