today my pain body arose from within me. i think it already was preparing since yesterday but i didn't let it! i'm having insomnia again so i am weak and easily my mood can change. so therefore i am fully attent of what's going on inside me.
i realised something this very moment. i am open like a book to anyone that wants to read me. i've read somewhere that when you fully open yourself and show all your strenght and weakness, nothing can hurt you anymore. i believe that, so i have no problem in writting these posts here. but i know a lot of people do. they hide themselves behind masks of various types and forms. someone said to me, i can as might as well hide behind mine if i want...but i think he was wrong. it doesn't matter anyways, because nothing is really important. yesterday my capoeira mestre said a thing to me, that made me laugh. he said i should be ashamed of not participating in various events, because i think they are not important. hahaha, and i was thinking to myself...oh, how right you are mestre, nothing really IS important and the least my participation there. but how could he even know that, capoeira is his life, his daily meditation, his bread and his breath..his ego feeds on that. i really love him so much. and i also know why, because the more i'm coming at peace with myself, the less important his presence and that of others is becoming. because i do not let the collective conciousness deceive my real being. it just is as it is.
and one of the important lessons today besides staying consciouss about pain body rising was that i have to practice what i learn on little things. because it's easier and i can then easier overcome failures that come now and then. i was always trying to master what i read on biggest issues i momentarily have...and of course i failed at times. and failure consequently takes the enthusiasm away and energy...and then we all know what happens....kachiiing, the ego comes back and the voices in your head start controlling you ;)
well, as for my last thought today i will just finish with....rammmmm da.
as i said before, there comes a time for everyone, when one is ready to accept the truth and the beauty of life. noone should be worried about others if he sees that people around are suffering because they are unconcious about life, if they don't understand that nothing really matters because everything is exactly as it is supossed to be, and that the only way we can change anything is if we create life in this very moment of now.i'm amazed. amazed how beautiful my life is, and by learning from my actions every day. when i think i already mastered something, i put myself on a test. yes, it's true we always put ourselves on tests, us alone, nobody else is doing that. people in the situations are only actors of the movie we ourselves are directing. they are not really important. but because we give them importancy, we experience those situations as bad or good, or whatever. but the moment we realise that everything is honored but nothing really matters, and all people around are just teachers that are teaching us OUR own lesson about ourselves, in that moment we can be free from suffering. and as long as we unconciously pull the energy from others, because we want to feel fullfilled by others instead by ourselves, we will never be calm and peacefull within. because it is a totally misinterpreted approach. just two days ago i've had another test. i know i created it, and i learned one more thing. what others think about us, doesn't matter. i mean why should it matter? usually we care about others people opinion, when we care about someone. that is because we are energetically connected with that person and we exchange energies. but when we stop that, it doesn't matter anymore. think about it, do you care about what a guy from other part of the world thinks about you? no, because you don't have any interactions with him, and your ego can not feed on his energy. i mean of course we are all part of oneness, but ego feeds on energies of people close to him. and when we are conscious enough to manage to recognize when someone is taking our energy and tries to feed on us, we are also able to cut the connections. and therefore close our energy field for that person. as it is written in celestinian prophecy there are 4 roles in human interactions for power and control. and if we are aware of those roles, we can also consciously deny to play those roles if someone tries to put us in one of them. because power and control are only a reflection of insecure ego that needs to be fed. and to finish today's post i have to say something. my blog exists for the meere purpose of unfolding of what's going on inside me, and it is not intended for mass popular dispersion among people that know me or not. i think nobody reads it anyway, i don't care if anyone reads it or not, because as far as i am concerned it reaches it's purpose when i write what lies on my mind and press the post button. i've realised that people sometimes get the wrong impression about my blog. it is completely understood, since not everyone has this habit of expressing themselves through writting. but blogs are like personal diaries. and if someone recognises themselves inside my writtings, it is not my fault or anyones fault. i usually don't use names, and when i do, i know it is harmless otherwise i rather avoid it. i hope that if anyone reads my blog, they can be open enough to accept it and maybe think about what i have to say, and maybe...try to gaing something good and inspiring out of it. afterall, we are all students of life.
Četrto spoznanje po celestinski prerokbi je vpogled v bitko za moč in energijo. Konflikti med ljudmi izvirajo iz potrebe po vladanju in nadzoru nad drugimi. V pogovoru z drugim je lahko človek močnejši ali šibkejši, odvisno od tega, ali je v pogovoru prevladal, ali ne. Temu se reče manipulacija. Vse se vrti okoli iskanja načina nadzora, ki bo zagotovil nadmoč nad drugim. To je ves razlog nesmiselnih sporov tako med posamezniki, kot med narodi. Najbolj problematični so te relacije v odnosih staršev do otrok, saj se po tej liniji škodljivi vzorci obnašanja (kraje energije) nezavedno prenašajo iz roda v rod. Po energiji hlepimo zato, ker nas to navdaja z ugodjem in občutkom varnosti. Energetsko telo enega človeka poizkuša zaposesti telo drugega. Na ta način si škodujemo in si krajšamo življenja, vendar pa kratkoročno zmaga prinese motivacijo, ki nas spodbuja k še večjemu nadzoru nad drugimi. Ko posameznik doseže, da se energija poslušalcev steka vanj, se izraža z veliko lahkoto in misli ima kristalno jasne, ima občutek moči, a darilo ne traja dolgo, saj imajo ljudje omejeno energijo. Torej, kraja energije je posledica občutka negotovosti in šibkosti ter boljšega počutja, ko jo dobimo. Se pravi, da četrto spoznanje razgalja veliko tekmovanje za energijo in moč.Try to be more understanding. The power of the mind lies in perceiving differences; the power of the heart lies in perceiving similarities. Which power are you using?
do not dwell on your past for it is a meere illusion. i am laughing at all these spiritual saying because they are simply too simple for me to get them. i am happy. i am happy, because i've already have had this glimpses of concious being and i know that it is not impossible to get there again. but i am observing what is going on with me inside and i find it so interesting, because i'm almost as a perfect learning example of all that which i am reading about. i know now, that some of the things that happened in the past if they happened to me now, i would probably try to handle and react to them differently and that i think is a progress. but thinking about it, i had to go through all that for reaching the point i am at now. otherwise i would probably not understand.
these past few days when Patri was here, were so fulfilling. i have never imagined that we have both grown so much and in the same time reached the same state of conciousness. it was truly an overwhelming experience and i feel even more connected with her now. but the other side of this time that i spent with her was that, when she was gone i realised that there are so many people around me, that don't know that side of me. i know it is my fault i guess, because i kinda judge people in sense that i decide whether they are open enough to be able to accept all that i have learned about our conciousness and our ego and everything else. and if i think they are not, i simply don't talk about it with them. i guess that's also okay in a way. because everybody has to personally grow and the transformation starts when one is ready. as it started for me. but the thing is that it's so stupid, that for many of us it has to be something really hard and painfull to wake you up and make you think about all his. well, now i know that pain is mostly our unconcious state and the painfull it is, more unconcious you are about life. and by knowing that, you also know that it is only you that can change that if you want of course. and i surely know i want to get rid of it.
i fucking love my life!!!
Let your love flow outward through the universe, To its height, its depth, its broad extent, A limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, Sit or lie down, As long as you are awake, Strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth. - Sutta Nipata
they say that we must first try to understand who we are not, because it's easier to realise then who we ARE. but saying what i'm not, doesn't necesarily means it's really who i am..because it can also be that i don't want to be all that, but i really am. or by saying what i'm not i already define and abolish that what i'm not? hmm, i don't know...is this my ego again?
i'm playing this funny game inside my head lately...it's called recognise the ego and abolish it! hahaha..seriously, what's going on inside my head is a crazy ride with loads of blind passengers! but i manage somehow to overcome myself and on the end it's a win-win situation...since darkness can never survive in presence of the light. that's a meere fact and it calms me down, because i know that light is within me and i'm the one that can decide whether it will shine or descend. i have the power within me.
Eckhart talks about pain body. that's what happened to me today.. it arose from within and i was fighting with it all day. i know, i know..i'm not supossed to fight it, but i don't know yet in practice how to embrace it and observe it, without identificating with it. i guess that was my today's lecture. and what i've learned from it? well, that light always prevails over darkness...because it happened on the end. and despite the fact that i can not sleep right now...i know myway is the right way, and it's the exact way i've chosen to walk on. no matter what happens to me...i will accept it and learn from it.
I want to share the silence inside me that i've found in the past few weeks. but how does a person share silence, inner peace and all that vastness of life. it is truly almost impossible. but yet i feel it has to be shared. since yesterday i reached certain point in my life, where i don't understand myself anymore, but yet i am calm, cause i know it is okay the way that i feel.
Eckhart Tolle is a great man, great spiritual teacher. i would reccomend his work to anyone. but i know at the same time, that not everyone is ready for what he has to say. and that actually bothers me and worries me, cause i want people to know all about what i know now. how our lives are driven by our ego and we are puppets, unconcious puppets on strings of ego. but that we can also free ourselves from that. i believe that anyone that is ready will find it's way to free himself. but at this point i am also in a great doubt what to do. i will explain what i mean. since i've come to aknowledge that my ex boyfriend has had two girls already after we split up, i've kind of became worried. i don't know why. maybe cause i think i know him and i have a feeling that he is somehow lost himself in this sensless race of life that he gained after we split up. i say gained because that's how i think he thinks. but now, after all that i've been through i watch all his actions from a distance and i am honestly worried about him. i still love him, but not as i did before. and that's why i want to just hold him still and say to him...hey!! stop for a moment and look what you're doing to yourself. it is not the fact that he jumps from one woman to another and all inside a very small group of people that worries me, but the people that he chooses. i know, i have no right to judge others but as i still care about him, i want to tell him something, anything...just to rethink his doings, before he will realise and it will be too late. i feel that he is lost. but at the same time i know he would probably not understand whyt i want to say to him, because i am to him just one of his ex-girlfriends.
why do i want to do that? i don't know. i have no idea. and why i reacted totally different when i realised about one person that is now his girlfriend, and the other that was with him 2 months ago. how is it possible that i freaked out at the first one, and i hugged the other one?? what happened to me? what is going on inside me? all this processes are so deep that i can not understand them. Eckhart said that it's good when one loses himself, meanning not knowing who he or she is...because then you can free yourself from your ego. because you don't identify yourself with forms anymore. is this what's happening to me? i doubt that, because i think i still need more time and that i'm not ready or mature yet..but then again this is au contrare of what he is saying. time is not the issue...actually it is, because you must not wait for something to happen, because it is only now that is happening in this creative moment.
anyways, i started singing again. i am back. and i feel alive. isn't that enough?
