mind game

i'm playing this game lately. well, it's not really a game, it's a trainning. i'm trainning myself to be honest with myself and the world. and it is so good. everytimei have to do something or say something i quickly examine my inside and how i truly feel about the situation and then try to act upon that feeling. it is not easy all of the time, because we are used to NOT say or act the way we want, but what we think others want from us. it is because we were raised to feed on approval of others. to always think what others might think about this and that. i thought i am not one of those people, but i see now that many times i kinda modify my real wish and the expectation from the outside and mix it together so that the result is as pleasing for both sides as possible. i was surprised over that fact. but now by observing my actions i am consciously trying to always be true to myself. i believe it is not what everyone is capable of doing. but i am glad i am able to change. playing this new 'game' is making me feel so much better and so free i reccomend it to everyone!;)

to give and to for give

i know, i know...two posts in one day can be a bit too much, but i was truly inspired by today's day. it was a marvelous day, being to go through some rough moments and a couple of splendid ones. and all that while staying home alone. imagine that. inspired by what you ask? inspired by life. by everything that surrounds us, everything that's teaching us how to love. i don't know what is harder, loving someone else or loving thyself!? really, think about that for a minute. when you love someone else, you can easily 'blame' him/her for making you feel sad, hurt, happy. but when you try to love yourself, it's much harder to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for yourself. i cried once today...and it was when i looked into the mirror to see who do i have to be honest with and who do i have to forgive and love without any conditions. it was me on the other side...but the trick is that there is no other side. it's you and only you and you are on the same side, well supossed to be at least. why do we suffer so much? that is what i was thinking and am still thinking a lot about. it is so unimaginable that our mind wants to hold on to all that what we've lived through our lifetime, all that heavy baggage we've gained during our childhood, teenage years, adulthood...hard to imagine that one should in order to free himself just lose all that what he or she thought was 'building and growing' into a person you want to be. it's as if a man would be building a house all his life and on the end tore it down. and because that way of thinking is so unusual to us, we find it sometimes hard to understand and do. but when you get it, it seems so logical to you. you realised that all that you thought you are, isn't really you. it is what you've built yourself to be. the real you is somewhere deep inside, rooted in yourself. that is the person we have to find and to learn to love and accept. the rest of you can be honored and enjoyed, but it doesn't really matter if you haven't found your trueself.

i forgive.

me and the outside

have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.

and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.

but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.

liberty

i'm floating. even though it sure doesn't feel like summer, my inner calendar is in tha mood! you know what i mean, i guess unconscious memories of the past summer has awaken my mind and is telling me, now is the time to burst, to fill yourself with all that lost energy you were missing during the winter and in the sad spring. i just kinda lost track of time...i am sucessfully doing it by not taking anything too seriously and just trying not to worry about anything.

the only thing i' wish for right now is a touch. pure, gentle, curious, silent and loving touch of a man. just so to make my senses burst and to open them again. i realised i am still quite wrapped up into bubble of fear to get hurt again and i really want to get rid of that feeling inside me.

push, pull....flow

have i mentioned i fu*** love London!? i guess i did. but i guess it's not just London, i think i'm back, the real me. and i would feel good anywhere else i were, except my home that is. i needed to come here and now i just need to go back and take myself with me. it's so simple really, being yourself once you feel it. and all you really have to do is exactly that, feel yourself.

there is just one thing i'm still having trouble with though...it's the peoples thing. sometimes it's so damn hard to figure out what are they thinking or what do they want. and i don't mean in a way that i'm trying to figure out how to make people like me or give them what i want, but how to get from them what i want or better said...how to synchronize the both sides and get a positive result. i'm trying to hard. the thing that i'm dealing with right now is until where do i go and push my desires and still not invade into others person intimacy and make him/her feel uncomfortable.
i've always thought of myself as peoples person but at the same time i was also bad judge of characters in other words naive and always believed people are good. now, i just don't know what to think about people anymore. but it's probably for the best to let them pass you and stay focused on yourself and they will come by themselves if they'll want to and if it's meant to be...or something. and i guess that's exactly what i'm experiencing now too...in these past two weeks a lot of people said to me what a great energy i have and surprisingly i have had a couple of flirts too. the thing is that everything happened really spontaneously and the minute i started trying for something to happen, it all went down.

it's amazing, truly amazing i tell you. i'm often skeptic about these subtle changes or signs that lead us through our life, but i think i really should give them higher importance. anyways, i'm grateful for everything that's happening and that i am learning. step by step...everyday is the first day of the rest of our lives.

de-touch yourself

funny thing, attachment. really annoying sometimes. i was just going to sleep, did all my usual meditation and all..but couldn't shut my thoughts. and i had to write it down, as i know this always makes me feel better, if not better at least lighter and with clearer vision. i've read something about our passions today, our passions that makes our life worth living and when we're in order with our own passions everything evolves so much easier. and then i've realized i'm probably not fully living within my passions. can't say really that i'm completely out of order, but i know there is more to it than the point i'm at right now, i can feel there is something behind but just can't seem to jump high enough to see it and go there.

being in London away from my 'real' life was a bless for me. to go away from all the attachments and just breathe fully without being worried what's gonna happen around the next corner, who is going to make my day in either good or bad way. and there were certainly more bad days in past months, than good ones. so, then i come here and liberate myself...you know what i'm always saying liberdade dentro da cabeca...and i mean that in many ways. but first thing is to liberate yourself from all the things that are preventing you to live to you fullest.

i'm often thinking about my attachment to my group. and others attachment to it. and i can't decide whether it is bad or good to be very much involved and attached to something in that way. but the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that it is probably harder to go away from something like that, than to stay there. and i'm not saying that only because i've left in a way, but i am experiencing all this identity crysis at the same time that my ego ius performing to me. i mean in a way, saying to me...oh, you can't leave, you have a responsibility and you have a reputation in this group and the group will not be the same without you. which is all true from one side...but there is also the other side, where i'm currently standing and that's the side where i am noone and nobody, and i don't need a group to identify me and to give value to who i am, because all that is not important and it only distracts me. and if i am not getting positive vibes from that direction then it is surely better for me to stay where i'm now.
i know for certain that not anyone could do what i did. some people need to be identified by others, they need to be surrounded with other people because they have a certain role and they know how to behave. if they are left alone, they get scared, not knowing who they truly are. and i think everybody is afraid of that, but some deal with it, some don't. as for me i am certainly dealing with myself and no matter how hard it is at moments, i know for me this is a win win situation, because on the end it is me who shall prosper.

so, as i was saying at the beginning, attachment and detachment...not just to the group...but to people, things, places...it's a big step to go from one to another. i am not quite mastering it, but then again it is the path that matters not the goal. live, learn, love... goodbye and thanks for all the roses!

magic, stuff that wasn't made boring by science

they say he who seeks, he shall find....and how true that is. the great thing about this is, that if you're open enough you can find so many things you would never even imagine while searching for something completely different. well, i think it's magical. and magic is stuff that wasn't made boring by science i've read one day whilst passing camden market. hehehe, and how true.

i am re-discovering myself, passions, happiness, sun, rainbow...everything around me seems to be in order. well, i know it's stupid to say that, because of course everything IS in order, for there is no other way.

yesterday i was at capoeira class with mestre Axe. he is also a student of mestre No, just like my mestre. and i've enjoyed the trainning so much. i was smilling all the time. this is what makes me happy, makes me alive, makes me in touch with myself. it is only now that i am here that i've realised what i was missing and not even knowing. well, i knew what i had once, but i kind of just couldn't remember the feeling how was it before. before all the shit started to happen. i am still sad because some people don't seem to have any respect, but i am so happy that at least i got my capoeira back. i am gratefull, very gratefull. and that is exactly the thing i was talking about before, we find things we weren't even searching for. because i surely didn't come to London to do capoeira, but then i met Wilson and it all spontaneously led me to the capoeira class. thank you!

i don't know if it's because i'm all high on painkillers, but i am feeling so overwhelemed. so gratefull and happy and calm. there is nothing at this moment that could take away how i am feeling.