.... i already wrote half of the post, but then i deleted it. it was about my health and my bad juju. and then i decided to erase it, cause i don't like to see, hear or even smell bad energy around me. okay, i know we should not live in denial, but thinking about it all the time won't make it better either.
so i decided it's time to take action...and do something about it. what? i still don't know, but i'll start by cleanning my room...and i mean cleanning in several ways, to get rid of all the unnecesary stuff that's lying around and oppening channels of good energy to start flowing again.
let's jam....starting from zero
i was really proud of myself today. there had been several situations that demanded my reaction and i handled them quite good i'd say. the thing is that i'm trying to practice a new phylosophy in my life, new approach more oppened and freeing as to say. and definetly sticking up for myself what i often lack of. i am content with my progress and with some of the conclusions that i came up with today.
1. i am emotionaly quite rehabilitated from my bad experience in the past (and what i learned in theory, i now use in practice)
2. i see progress in saying what i think
3. i am on a good way to analysing my emotions and properly handling them.
it was a hard day, but it ended to be the first day of the rest of my life which i'm looking forward to.
i'm jammin' ... i live in a capsule of my own reality. here i feel safe and i can express myself. i don't know if i conciously try to stay here and refuse to accept the common reality as my own but i don't see why should i enter in a world i don't wanna accept. i mean, i do know what is going on around me, i understand how things flow and that not everything is nice and comfortable, but does that oblige me to accept that rules and live by them. i think not!
i am hurt and disapointed lots and lots of times due to this naive and innocent world of mine, but better to crush a couple of times than to lose yourself and surrender into some wierd, unexplainable and cruel world. my dad is always giving me advice and challenging me to face unpleasant situations saying that this is how i shall learn to confront the world out there. i understand him in a way, but i also want to stay true to myself, my ideas.
well, that's what i wanted to say, i'm happy where i am.
yesterday night i was out, you know socialising in a good old way, not through some social network on the internet or anything. i was actually physicaly there, moving my hands, feet and mouth. and it so happened that i ran to some of old schoolmates way back from primary school. i would have probably not even recognise them if i wouldn't be madly in love with one of them in my 8th garde..heheh! anyways, but that was not the thing i wanted to say, what i was gona talk about is..that today when i was thinking about our conversation it seemed to me that whaever we've said someone mentioned fuc*** facebook. ''oh, is it really you? i probably wouldn't recognise you, if i wouldn't see you on facebook.'' or ''yeah, we should totally have a reunion, it would be fun. we can gather peoples contacts on facebook.''and stuff like that...and i was always repeating...uhmmm, yeah well i DON'T have a facebook profile anymore dude. and they would all look at me as if i had fallen from another planet. and again i'm an outcast...as i kinda always was, always trying to reach somewhere noone did before, looking for new interesting things and so on. i was probably one of the earliest people who've had FB, because on the beggining i even didn't talk about it, cause i thought people have enough to do with old fashioned myspace which i also banned long time ago. but it started to spread and spread and suddenly almost everyone had a profile..well, almost everyone, Špela didn't! and i'm kinda proud of her. and then it also happens that someone banned and cracked one of my groups i've made there. dunno what happened when i left FB, but people are telling me that someone abused my group and turned it into something i've never wanted it to be. that's totally wicked, rude and unpolite and after hearing that i was all upset. anyways....what kind of phenomena is it? none of the other social networks had such an impacton majority. well, except maybe Orkut in Brasilian population and the ones that have some friends from Brasil. but Orkut is somehow not so appealing. i would say it's their lousy design. i personally don't like my orkut profile how it looks. dunno...but it's freaky don't ya think? well what am i asking you for..if you're reading my blog, you're probably a FB user too.
heh, i had a funny idea about today's post. thank ggod not all of my post are boring and serious and need an inteligent reader to figure them out. sometimes i admit even i don't understand them on the end anymore.khm, well..back to the today's funny post.anyways, i hope i will not insult anyone, keep in mind i was also one of the people that tried it.what am i talking about? internet dating and friendship.it's just that i'm a very opened person and for me it's a delight if i find a person i feel pleasure talking to. no matter the way of my comunication. and so it happened tome, that in my early years as a internet user, of course i had to try on-line dating. but it wasn't that i was looking for the love of my life on-line, no i was meeting people in chat rooms, forums and stuff. and since they were really funny and smart i thought..oh what the hell, let's do this. well, it was only like 3 times or so, but none of the meetings turned out as i imagined. of course not! cause you can't just imagine something to turn out...hehehe!nevertheless, i'm still a good friend with one of the people i've met like this and we share common interest in acting and performance.
i was kinda always seeing myself as if i'm different from those that do on-line dating regularly or at least more than 3 times. but am i? i don't know exactly what would make me different, but on the other hand i am different. cause i certainly had more relatonships that started right ahead in the real world without any intervention of the virtual world. we definetly need to socialise. and that's why i decided one day that i'll ban my facebook profile. cause i thought to myself....what the f*** do i need FB for if i have the people that i love around me. sure i don't deny i wasn't happy to find all the long lost people i once knew, but in reality, what do i gain if i add them as my friends? let me tell you, absolutely nothing.p.s. my on-line datig history goes way back before FB even existed, just for the record. it seems, i'm kinda captured between two worlds that both attract me but i always have to remind myself which one counts more in life. because no matter what, people always pretend in this or that way and computers give us perfect chance. but me as always, somehow believe people are good and there is no need to pretend in front of someone you don't even know, right? right!
don't let your life pass you by. it is very, very important to know one thing in life. that noone can make you happy. if you want happines look inside yourself. and when you find it, spread it. and you'll learn to accept responsiblity for your own life. and then you'll stop obsesively look for your other half, or someone to make you happy, and only then you shall be prepared for a relationship.i'm reading this book, it's about heroin addict and his path towards salvation. and i now am starting to understand, how being a human is not an easy task for some people. well, i knew that before, but i didn't know someone can get so lost. and i don't mean in using drugs and all...that's only helping them to get even more lost, but that someone can fel so empty and lost inside, not knowing who he is. it is terrible and i'm really happy i'm as i am.but on the other hand there's the second part of the book, that shows you also the other side and what it means to get yourself out of there and build yourself again into a strong, kind, loving, real human. and i respect that more than anything. because by looking at those kinda people that made it, it makes me reflect my own mistakes, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. and makes me think about what kind of person i am. and i know there are many things i could change and i have no right in judging anyone, anywhere because i am certainly not perfect and nor is anyone. best thing is just to try our best in being good.
