time

So, this Brasil thing is getting closer and closer. Since I have bought my plane ticket last week, I still can not even imagine my dream coming true. I can not even imagine myself there without getting the butterflies in my stomach. It's kinda like being in love, but in this case with the country. 

I don't know. I don't want to put high hopes on this trip since it's "just" a trip...but being in this state of mind as I am and with all this thoughts inside my head...I can't even make up my mind where to travel. The country is HUGE. And I of course want to see the most of it in one month.

Secretly I am counting on some changes in my life until then but I really haven't told anyone about it. I know deep inside, that this kind of life that I'm living now is not really for me. I am trying really hard to get in touch with my soul and listen to my intuition. There are things opening around me, new worlds, new opportunities, new horizons...I see potential in everything, I am just not brave enough to jump and swim. I'm a coward that is hooked on security. But on the other hand I know I'm sometimes too hard on myself. 

And this is how I count time now. Before I go to Brasil. And after I come from Brasil.

brasil

i turned 30. finally. not that i've been eagerly waitting for it, but the myth is finally broken. and a new dawn is rising for me. i could definitely say that, afterall my 30th bday bash was a total blast!! it still brings tears to my eyes when i remember the filling that ran through my body, when i curiously opened the envelope my friendz gave me. and when i was to find out that they're sending me to brasil, i could only collapse to the ground and cry...cry out of happiness and gratitude but mostly because i have never before felt so loved, surrounded by people that care for me and really wish me the best. all my dreamz came true, even more than that. i have become to realize that maybe i was underestimating my capability to settle into other people's hearts. i'm still having trouble realizing that i guess. i try to do good, be good to others and be grateful for everything, but rarely do i take credits i might also mean a lot to others. it's hard to imagine how other people see you, afterall we are all different, with our own ideas, wishes, expectations and demands. 

on the other hand i'm scared. to someone it might sound ridiculous, what is there to be scared of, when your dreams are becoming true. but there is. if your wish is so strong as mine is, can reality reach that idealistic picture i have made inside my head in all this years of my wish to travel to my dream country. what will happen there, will i be dissapointed, will i realize i don't want to leave that place to come back home, will i simply get so obverwhelmed that i won't be able to relax and take the most of it. argh, all this questions come to my mind, and my thoughts just keep drifting away during my reading of lonely planet guide. 

oh, but i guess all this thoughts are just normal and sooner or later, when i will get used to the fact that i AM REALLY going there, my mind will simply take it easy and by the time i arrive there i'll just easily slip into that brasil-mode and samba my way to the streets of Salvador. afterall, it's just a country...most beautiful in the world.

in my heart i feel gratitude. loads and loads of it.