time

So, this Brasil thing is getting closer and closer. Since I have bought my plane ticket last week, I still can not even imagine my dream coming true. I can not even imagine myself there without getting the butterflies in my stomach. It's kinda like being in love, but in this case with the country. 

I don't know. I don't want to put high hopes on this trip since it's "just" a trip...but being in this state of mind as I am and with all this thoughts inside my head...I can't even make up my mind where to travel. The country is HUGE. And I of course want to see the most of it in one month.

Secretly I am counting on some changes in my life until then but I really haven't told anyone about it. I know deep inside, that this kind of life that I'm living now is not really for me. I am trying really hard to get in touch with my soul and listen to my intuition. There are things opening around me, new worlds, new opportunities, new horizons...I see potential in everything, I am just not brave enough to jump and swim. I'm a coward that is hooked on security. But on the other hand I know I'm sometimes too hard on myself. 

And this is how I count time now. Before I go to Brasil. And after I come from Brasil.

sprinkles in the stomach

back from Budapest.
it was a nice trip, better than i expected, considering the fact that i went there with people i hardly knew, except Anja and Goran. i realised i'm a really adaptive person, which i can't say for some that were there with me. but when you're staying in the same apartement with 5 other people, taking tourist walks around the city, drinking, partying and sleeping 24/7 for 5 days well, you HAVE to sometimes go over yourself.
anyways, i had a great time indeed..also the Sensation white was really nice..and it would be perfect if Anja and Goran ouldn't get into a fight and Anja wouldn't be missing or couple of hours. but then again..everybody is responsible for their own happines and good time. and i surelyhad a good time. it was maybe the fact that i had a birthday and i could get a kiss from every cute guy that passed us by, and it could have been the fact that i discovered that 30 year old hungarian men are really something worth to experience..hehe! if you know what i mean.
but those 5 days passed so quickly.
i'm sure it wouldn't have been half so good if anja wouldn't meet some portuguese capoeristas with whom i played some capoeira in the city square in the middle o the night. next day they invited me to open roda they had in the park. it was sooo exciting. i actually went inside and played. i was scared, excited, proud of myself and as happy as a child. capoeira gives me all that, capoeira is simple JOY. you have to live it, otherwise you're not a real capoerista. it's NOT recreation, capoeira is... uh, i just can't explain. i'm so happy when i see that people around me that don't do capoeira, realise that capoeira for me is something more than just a afternoon activity. cause it's much, much more!

anyways, during my stay there i also thought a lot about Jure, about what we have now, how i feel about him and all that. for me he's like a cuddly bear that i know is always waitting for me, when i come home and want some attention and love. it's really nice to have him although i still can't see us getting back together. i know there are no rules of what i should do, but the society is always forcing us into some kind of regulations, orders, systems... that's why it's sometimes hard to handle what we have. cause there is no ''official'' name to our relationship. we simply like each other and i know i can count on him, and i know where to find a hug or a kiss..he's always just one call away. amazing actually, because when i was with S... even though he was officially with me, this feeling was often lost or inescure. you know what i mean?

okay, this is it for today...have to rest. lately i feel so tired all of the time, i can't imagine why. my sister was joking that maybe i'm pregnant!! a really BAD joke indeed!! omg...