it's time to leave and start living

I have in the recent years come across a notion, that some people are sceptical about ones mission here on this Earth. I mean I know there is more and more talking about how we must again find ourselves and to reconnect with our innerself and it can sometimes get a bit anoying, especially if you are not very fond of this kind of things and thoughts, but the fact is that it is inevitable for us to face this fact.

Yes, for me it's a fact. Because I have already done some work and relatively succesfully transcended a couple of my old patterns and paradigms. But yet the hardest paradigm to overcome is the one that we are holding together as humanity. 

We are one organism. We grew in certain patterns and were raised and shaped by similar ideas of what the world is supossed to look like and how it is supossed to run. We were thought so and rarely one questions what majority accepts. But yet some do. And I was always the one of the few that did. And that is why noone can in this moment convince me, that I can not change the world around me. Noone can for a longer period of time deprive me of my own accpeted reality, because it is now deeply inside me. And I believe in it. But not as a naive believer or a lost soul, seeking for help...but as a firmly convinced individual aware that all is but an ilussion and nothing that seems important, really is.

I am at the same moment a hard rock, firmly located on the ground and a flowing water, willingly changing it's current to obstacles coming its way. A controversy one may say, but knowing that only change is the permanent thing in life, the previous sentence makes perfect sense.

One thing that prevents me from having my eureka moment is the strong wish of having one. And maybe the key answer to this problem is to embrace the sentence that "it si only the path that matters, not the goal". But I am yet waiting for something to happen, for something or someone to give me a sign that this is it. And maybe my expectations are preventing me from reaching that moment, because it doesn't feel as I have imagined. And how do you know how something feels, if you've never felt it? How can you say, THIS IS IT! if it's supposedly to happen once in your life. I guess it's like with love, yoou know it's love when you feel it, even if you've never felt it before. I don't know. Maybe.

And to get back to my starting point, let's talk about our life's mission. I believe that all this boom created around it is a bit too much, but necesary if we want to inform people, they have the right to pursue their dreams and be happy with no reason of whatsoever, because it is their birth right. Because it is the time of change. The time to create. The time to live to ones full potential. The time to end the era of mind slavery and become free of limits that were put into our minds.

walk. feel. truth.

i think my hive really needs a spring cleanup. been neglecting it. 

so, here i am just chillin' at home since i am sick. again. it's this spring turnover of the temperatures and me being too brave too fast. i am a warrior that is true. but to go into a fight too fast like i did with the short sleeves and all...i think it was a bit exagurated. nevermind. at least i have a lot of time to think about stuff. you know, just stuff.

since i have returned from Brasil i know that how i live is not really how i want to live. and it has nothing to do with Brasil actually. well in a way maybe it does. i just feel i can not take all that static routine anymore. but i knew that before. 

and all that walking. it also got me thinking about how soooo wrong this society is. it is sick. really. i am not much of a walker or a runner for that matter, but walking around Brasil on my trip showed me, how my body responded completely differently to my new habit. yes i was tired every evening, but everything else was awesome. i lost weight, i felt great about that and my metabolsim was totally on the run like nver before. someone might think i am writting nonsense, but it is true. walking is our primary function, our body's function. we are certainly not meant to sit for 8 hours in the office and be still. we are not!

so my spring resolutions are, start living your truth and walk more!

time

So, this Brasil thing is getting closer and closer. Since I have bought my plane ticket last week, I still can not even imagine my dream coming true. I can not even imagine myself there without getting the butterflies in my stomach. It's kinda like being in love, but in this case with the country. 

I don't know. I don't want to put high hopes on this trip since it's "just" a trip...but being in this state of mind as I am and with all this thoughts inside my head...I can't even make up my mind where to travel. The country is HUGE. And I of course want to see the most of it in one month.

Secretly I am counting on some changes in my life until then but I really haven't told anyone about it. I know deep inside, that this kind of life that I'm living now is not really for me. I am trying really hard to get in touch with my soul and listen to my intuition. There are things opening around me, new worlds, new opportunities, new horizons...I see potential in everything, I am just not brave enough to jump and swim. I'm a coward that is hooked on security. But on the other hand I know I'm sometimes too hard on myself. 

And this is how I count time now. Before I go to Brasil. And after I come from Brasil.

Understand the under.

I haven't been around lately but the other day a new facebook friend (which I don't actually know in person but nevertheless) reminded me of my blog. So I've juts been waiting for the perfect moemnt to return to this empty board and scratch some new ideas into it and publish them.

There is really no special ocassion that I have returned today..well, maybe except first snow of this autumn, but I will surely have some stuff to write down.

It is one of my habits that whenever I start a new post, I usually read the previous one published and by that I see where have I gone from there. And today, I realised I have gone far. This summer was crazy, I have felt amazing all through July and August. Been there, done that I just could not believe  sometimes that all that energy is within me. But then it struck me. Even to this day I don't know what happened, but in a certain moment I was so sad and heavy inside. It was for no apparent reason whatsoever that my mood changed and suddenly all I have wanted was to be left alone and spend my time in isolation. 
Not that I was refusing company at all cost, but even if I was spending time with my closest friends, I didn't feel comfortable. It was wierd. It still is a bit, because they've been asking me what's with me, if I am okay and stuff. And to tell you the truth, that is the last thing I want to be asked. Because the problem is that even I don't understand it and having all this thoughts inside, there is no need in anyone else bringing the subject up. But I know they are just worried about me, because I am usually the loudest one and in the middle of attention. 
There was even a very intense experience one time at the end of the August at a drumming workshop. We were visiting friends in the ecovillage in the mountains where we were suppossed to attend a drumming workshop. Me myself love the drums, but I am not very keen in playing them for several hours learning the beats until your hands get all swallen and you can't feel your fingers. So I decided I won't be drumming, but rather spend some quiet time around my friends making dreamcatchers instead. Unfortunatelly my idea did not work out so well, because Sebastjan needed an extra drummer on the drums so I did some drumming.

But what I felt inside was this wierd heavy energy that made me wanna cry over and over again. And I didn't know why. I still don't know. And I still sometimes cry in my bed before I go to sleep. Just for a minute of two, but the fact is that I cry now knowing why and it's quite frustrating.
The only explanation at this moment is that it has something to do with my process that I was doing during the whole summer. 
It is a boook called The presence process. You work on your subconscious mind for 10 weeks, meditating twice per day and each week processing another theme. It is supposed to be a strong technique in revealing and overcoming old patterns we all carry inside ourselves and transcending our old paradigms. 
So from what I concluded my present mood is a consequence of all that. It might be, that there's also other stuff that I come across daily in my life, afterall there has been some vigorous happening lately. The most recent one being the stressfull experience of doubting into my writting and editing of our site www.ekologicen.si . 
All this and more, how can one not have moments of weakness, sadness, downfall and doubt. But as I have come so far, knowing that life is all about changes I try to quietly sit back and accept all that is coming to me and just let is flow through me. Which brings me to one of my latest posts about feeling overwhelmed, light and grateful. Life is nothing but balancing your path through different obstacles and goals. 

thankful - grateful

been there, done that. but i'm here again. sometimes i regret that all those thousands of thoughts that run daily through my mind are not listed somewhere, and especially the feeling that overwhelm me.

lately my heart is so happy. so light. so simple. i vibrate in an amazing way. i am starting to understand things are so simple really. the less you complicate and hold all that dense energy inside, the less you suffer. you start to flow. and don't worry, i am not talking about that eteric floating above the ground, not knowing what is happening around you, i am talking about happy dance! i am talking about all that good energy that sudenly starts to evaporate from your heart and soul, about all the good people that are happening around you. the smiles on your face. the amazing feeling you are feeling inside, no matter the circumstances. 

i know, i am certain that i am on a right path. that my life is going the way it should and is meant to. i just know. because it FEELS right. not because everything is as the society expects it to be...but because deep inside me, i know. i am happy. i am so grateful! truly grateful for my life, for everything that happened to me and thought me the lessons i had to learn. and i know this is how it is meant to be. i have faith! not in God, Alah, Buda or Deepak Chopra...but faith in light! i am simply grateful and faithful!

thank you for everything! <3

brasil

i turned 30. finally. not that i've been eagerly waitting for it, but the myth is finally broken. and a new dawn is rising for me. i could definitely say that, afterall my 30th bday bash was a total blast!! it still brings tears to my eyes when i remember the filling that ran through my body, when i curiously opened the envelope my friendz gave me. and when i was to find out that they're sending me to brasil, i could only collapse to the ground and cry...cry out of happiness and gratitude but mostly because i have never before felt so loved, surrounded by people that care for me and really wish me the best. all my dreamz came true, even more than that. i have become to realize that maybe i was underestimating my capability to settle into other people's hearts. i'm still having trouble realizing that i guess. i try to do good, be good to others and be grateful for everything, but rarely do i take credits i might also mean a lot to others. it's hard to imagine how other people see you, afterall we are all different, with our own ideas, wishes, expectations and demands. 

on the other hand i'm scared. to someone it might sound ridiculous, what is there to be scared of, when your dreams are becoming true. but there is. if your wish is so strong as mine is, can reality reach that idealistic picture i have made inside my head in all this years of my wish to travel to my dream country. what will happen there, will i be dissapointed, will i realize i don't want to leave that place to come back home, will i simply get so obverwhelmed that i won't be able to relax and take the most of it. argh, all this questions come to my mind, and my thoughts just keep drifting away during my reading of lonely planet guide. 

oh, but i guess all this thoughts are just normal and sooner or later, when i will get used to the fact that i AM REALLY going there, my mind will simply take it easy and by the time i arrive there i'll just easily slip into that brasil-mode and samba my way to the streets of Salvador. afterall, it's just a country...most beautiful in the world.

in my heart i feel gratitude. loads and loads of it.

routine vs. change

fresh starts with old things and people, that's what i call ultimate recycling. been a while since i've written any thing here, but i've been quite busy with my other stuff. but then i've asked myself what are you doing, for who, is it worth it..where are you? i have a slight feeling i might have forgotten about myself for a moment. so today, on this quiet sunday morning i have clicked here to my good old blog, the first of many i have and i am dedicating myself 5 minutes of attention.

so many things are happening i don't even keep up with them, but yet it seems sometimes i don't really move anywhere. i keep looping in the same round. same people, same things, same thoughts...for a moment there i would be happy for something to change. change. change. change. 

can you believe that someone can be bored in the middle of the war going on? yeah well, that's me. bored in a way that i am really sick and tired of same old, same old challenges i have to master. because when i stick to one for too long, i simply don't find the thrills anymore.

i am a funny human actually. it is in my character to have to have things under control and in place, but on the other side i get so bored by routine. some people can simply go on an on with the same paths, same people, same jobs. me? no way! i know it's contradictory, but that is how i feel. 

another thing is about me and people in my life. the close ones. the closest ones. being in a relationship now it was a storm and a half when he came into my life. he came slowly and rather smoothly, but yet i was terrified of what will happen, and how will his presence change my ways. because i love my ways. and i am so greateful for his patience, for his understanding, and i admire him so much for he has changed so much. and i know he is changing for me too. because he loves me. and that's what amazases me the most. actions of devotion and love. he is in a way my teacher. because he teaches me how to overcome my ego. i see now how different it is to read about something and think you understand, and how that differs from actions and situations in which you have to put all that into real life. a big challenge for me. 

hide under your own shadow

i started to speak and act exactly the way i feel in that particular moment. i was trying to see if i can really be free of all the social paradigms and rules, to see how it feels to be FREE. and it is absolutely amazing! of course i still have a long way to go, and i am not completely free at all, but at least i am trying to verbally express my thoughts.
the second thing is, that i see people don't take me seriously. because of course they are not used to recieving the truth from another being. and they think everything is just words and jokes. but the funny part is that they're not. so you see, i am telling them the truth, and they think i am not. what a paradox. but when i draw the line, i think it is the best thing i can do to myself nevertheless. being truthfull is sometimes hard, but also liberating. and what is more precious than letting go of that heavy burden on our mental backs. you should definitely try it yourself!

change is good.

it is simply not enough, all that i do. still not enough to make me feel quiet. i'm restless. i'm like a shark that needs to move, or else it dies. i need new ideas, i need new fresh wind inside my lungs. every moment, time and time again....restless is my soul. i'm afraid of this power inside me. i'm afraid something might happen, that i really, really want. what would my life be, if i had it all. i feel the glimpse of that freedom and i'm scared for where it might take me. and it always comes to me every once in a while, when i spend a couple of days at home. usualy it is due to illness. and people say to me, get rest, you work too much, you have too many things in your life. reduce your life to less things and take care of your health. really?? reduce my life to work and my house? you're kidding me? please tell me, that you don't really mean that. with all this energy that starts to boost inside of me i should quietly ignore it and sit still in my office!? is that how it works?
and my illness..is it really due to my overcrowded schedule? or is it because the schedule is set on wrong basis? maybe i just need to change something, not reduce, but change? change is good right? change is good. it gives me hope. so much hope and so much new energy. i want to change.

free

every day is a new begining, and yet every day is a result of yesterday's doings. what i do today, i shall harvest tommorow. thus i live this moment rejoicing tommorow's harvesting. i do not wait for tommorow, it will come without my attention, i do not think about yesterday, for today is its fruit. what i want is always here and now, because i wanted it yesterday, it is here today. and if i harvest my crops with joy and in abundance, thus will be also tommorow's harvest. full of joy, happiness and freedom. but if i pick my fruit with anger and resentment, that will be what i produce for my future. my body knows my limits and my soul knows my deepest desires. together they guide me safely through the stroms of everyday. have faith in yourself for you are your own god. trust your emotions, for they guide you better than your sight and your smell. eyes can deceive you, if beauty is rotten in its core, and smell deceives you if an apple smells nice but is poisonous. but your emotions..they never let you down for what your soul tells you, it is what you really want. it doesn't mean you will one day not suffer, because of that, but worse is to regret something you have missed or did not do, than to be richer for an experience from which you have learned a lesson. open yourself to your soul. open the doors you have shut long ago. reconcile with yourself and you shall find peace. because everything will come back in order.

brave coward

hello my sweet friend, blank page. hello my sweet sadness, my sweet loneliness. hello, hello. oh, i feel so nostalgic last few days. so fragile, so innocent. i am hiding behind big words and heavy songs, but no sound can reach the vast emptiness i feel inside. i guess it's time, it's time for something to happen. for something to move and to change. my soul is restless and i can feel it the moment i close my doors and rest in my bed. but there is no rest for me. dreams are constantly waking me up, waking my spirit and telling him long forgotten stories about the beginning of time. i am waking up in tears, because i am remembering. and when i am awake i am crying, because i can not tell anyone about it. i am alone.


a lonely dancer without a stage to dance on. what does it all matter anyway. talking and dreaming and writing and thinking, if living has no purpose. if my life is like a farce because i am too afraid to take chances, because i am a coward, hiding behind the comfortable everyday. but truly inside i am crying for freedom. crying because i know it is so complicated to explain it to anyone that i do not even try. and i have gotten used to my loneliness, too comfortable i sit within it. and when someone comes along trying to pull me out of my safety zone, all my alarms go ON! danger, danger...change is about to happen..alert! and immediately i freeze and jump back, lock my doors and curiously watch through the closed window what is going on outside. no risk, no disappointment, no problem. and everything is under control. my control. way to go, you brave girl. i love you so much.

peak point

it's been a while. changes are happening big time and other channels of expression opening for my creativity of writing which i have never enjoyed more than i do in this time. but yet, this is my personal blog and only here can i say thing or two about what's going on inside me. yet i am starting to question my existence. in a sense that my life is merely a farse with all the dramas that are happening at the moment. well now that i think about it, last 9 years there have always been some dramas, just not connected directly to me. i am trying so hard to see the big picture, because i simply don't believe that by doing good, you can attract bad. and i guess all this happening around me may be consequence of clearing my subconsciousness and letting go of things that have in the past prevent me from rising up and take my full potential. After getting to know certain people in my life that i feel so connected now, i have come across a book that was waiting for me. i have read a lot of them, and all of them were meant to be sent on my way..but i feel as if this last one is like the cherry on top! i also know that symbols in our lives are many times a product that we produce when wanting to see certain signs. but in this case...the book is telling me about things i have in past time experienced and sometimes not knowing or understanding them. it is clearing my picture, slowly but persistently. this book is about everything. it is about who am i. where have i come from. what is my purpose. what are my assignments. why my life is as it is and what is going to happen. and no matter how many books similar to this i have read...this one is special merely because i believe it even if i don't understand a lot of what is written. because within this exsistence on Earth inside my physical body, there are many things i can not yet understand. and i know i will in the future. i am calm. and at the same time i get this moments of fear of what is happening around me. the one thing that confuses me is, how exactly am i to manage my life if everything is just a story that has really nothing to do with who i truly am beneath all this layers. i know i was supposed to go through all this in order to understand the rest of the humanity, but now that i'm starting to wake up from this crazy dream i have thought of my life, i can no longer combine both worlds, both levels...it confuses me big time actually. i didn't even realise until now, how confusing all this is for me. i have always functioned without any particular guidance, but in this moment of my life is feel as if i truly am on a breakthrough point and i just don't know how to continue. for the first time i need guidance and i know that there is nothing bad in asking for one.

for-give yourself first

still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.

con FUSION

i know that after every overwhelming and intense state of mind, there comes a time when you subconsciously react to all that over-potential. To that i would also add my fast living during the week, and we have to have something to stop us and makes us start breathing normally. Sometimes i am seriously tired of my 'consciousness' for it brings me rather a burden than freedom, but then again i guess that is then not the right type of consciousness or what. i am tired of constantly being aware of everything that is happening around me, about always thinking about it and analysing what am i suppose to think now, how am i to react and why. this mind is still so strong that it makes me tired. and i know that sometimes the best time to be really free is when you're simply too tired to do anything so you just automatically let go and 'voila' there you have it, your breakthrough moment. but so far it hasn't happen to me yet, well in smaller intervals, but no long term reaction. i am still to eager to GET IT, that i probably won't still get it for some time. but that's the fun part...get what??understand what?? sometimes i don't know anymore. i feel lost. sometimes i just rather not think about anything and hide in my cosy bed, doing nothing, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. i guess it's when i am kinda getting my balance back. why is it that when i write, it is all so clear to me, it is as if i understand the order of this universe. but then in my real life i sometimes feel like i've failed on my exam. yeah sure, the theory is easy, you read a couple of books, you watch some videos on you tube and resolve some issues in your life and then think you have it all, you're on top of the world, better than those people from your past you ran away from. but are you really topshit material after all that?? hell no! because you still think about it, still think about them, you still compete in a way to be better, to laugh louder, to look more pretty, to have more friends, to wear prettier clothes. all that stupid stuff that will never make you truly happier and free. what a waste of energy. i guess in a way i expect too much from myself. when all i really need is focus on my inner self and resolve the unresolved, meaning LET GO of the past. with all the things i've already 'processed' in my life, i still have one big thing to work on. and until that one shall not be resolved i will probably never forgive myself. it is a paradox actually, being hurt by someone and then not forgiving yourself, because you are simply not capable of forgiving them.
yes, i am a loud person, energetic in my everyday action...but how i wish to thrive that peacefulness that is so calming and secure. how i wish i would be able to gain it and keep it inside. i am a person of extremes and my biggest goal to achieve is to be able to constantly flow somewhere at least close to peaceful mind and have confidence that no matter what happens, i will always be strong enough to stay balanced.

over welhming feeling

to tell you honestly...i have this premonition. i don't know what it means and sometimes i am afraid of it. but the thing is that what i am trying to do in my life is to let life run through me and accept all the changes. practice what you preach i always say...and that is exactly my intention here. i am getting from theory to experiential level, we have to move in order to change anything. experience what life is really trying to tell you and believe that life always and forever only brings what is good for you. your life shall never do anything to harm you, if and when that happens we are doing it ourselves. we alone are preventing for things to happen to us. we alone are letting suffering come into our mind and body. it is essential to understand that if we want to move and change it.
my premonition is getting stronger now and at the same time i am starting to do more things that i love in my life. things that make me happy, full of energy and give me inner strength. people that don't see me often say to me on the street i look good, i look strong, i look brave....why? how can they tell if they don't see me everyday and don't know what's going on in my life!? well, i will tell you how...because my inner strength reflects on my outside. and isn't that on it's own evidence that is strong enough to convince you i am doing the right thing, i am walking on the right path and knocking on right doors? what else do i need to prove me right? i am always saying to myself that i am getting there, but am not there yet. and sometimes i feel as if i don't let myself get to the end. i don't allow myself manifest the ultimate wishes, goals, desires...manifest my whole. why? because i am thinking more about filling the gaps of what 'seems' to be right for me and leaving the other small parts open and unfulfilled but yet those 'small' parts of me are the true reflection of my soul. it all clears out while putting it into words here on the blog. so simple...listen to your soul, listen to your soul is what they say...but in this world of the ruling Mind with big M, it is dangerous to let your soul out for it can be ripped apart by all those hungry and needy carnivores that beg for even a slight piece of peace, calmness happiness, creativity, passion that they can not get from themselves. luckily i was raised to grow up into this very naive and gentle being that hides underneath a tough looking and strong woman. a perfect combination to fight the enemy, but fight with love, compassion and positivity. totally unexpected tools of attack. my teachers are the most innocent and enlightened ordinary beings around me. my teachers are everywhere, because i can see them in everything. one who is awaken and searches for his teachers, they can be found. the one who is blind for it, he shall not see them even if they are standing in front of him waving their hands.

vipassana

it is Sunday. the hot days are seemingly over or at least for today so i can again focus on things. seems like as if the heat and the power of the planet sun is kind of distracting us from being focused. today is the first day i feel calm and peaceful inside myself again as if waking from a chaotic dream of past few days. i love quiet moments in my home, with distant sounds of other families and friends doing their everyday things, with pleasant tingling sound of my dreamcatcher above my bed and my keyboard when i press letters of future words that are to be published on my blog. but it's quiet, so quiet. so fulfilling.
since i came from vipassana i have been sort of avoiding big crowds of people. i do not want to sound as if i this experience totally changed my life and that now i am enlightened or in any way better than someone who does not have this kind of experience, but the truth is... it changes you. even though i am not a perfect vipassana student now that i have come home and i do not practice my meditation everyday, i am different. and of course it is logical, if i would not change, what is the point of going to this kind of places. it is a beautiful thing. it is a comforting thing. knowing that there is a possibility that one can truly end the suffering, and all it takes is being with oneself and understand what is causing it. two hours of meditation per day, is that a high price to pay to be happy? is it? it is not! surely one must have self discipline to preserve this habit and to practice it everyday. but all this is nothing in comparison for what you get and how you feel afterwards. i get so overwhelmed talking and thinking about it. and i know all this shall pass, as everything else does. and that is the thing that we are to understand and accept. all this shall pass, nothing in this world remains and nothing is important. and thy truth is only your perception, if one is able to take the lenses off their eyes and just see thing as they are, it is the most precious gift we can give to ourselves. so simple. and yet so hard. are we able to get out of this box and at least have a peak over the edge? just for a moment, are we capable of percieving the world around us in a totally different manner? and after giving it a try and if realizing that it is the ultimate truth, can we let go of our previous beliefs and by that maybe needing to change our lives? it takes a strong will and commitment, but the reward is hundred times more precious. and after our decision, it is only what is natural and what we should have done long before, but were unable due to our scenario that was given to us by our ancestors, society. and one asks who am i? am i an individual? am i a part of a group? we are all individuals belonging to a greater oneness. when peace is seeded inside our hearts, the question vanishes. my individuum that was before my ego dies and what is left is my consciousness that is a part of oneness. i don't feel any need to identify myself with my body, things, situations, people...there is no fear that i will vanish and there will be no trace of me when my body dies. for there is only love. and love and compassion are energy and energy does not vanish. energy just transforms.

i wish may every person find this feeling inside him. in whatever way.

seasonal clearance

why is it so hard to accept things as they are. it is the one most simple thing in the world, and yet we can not manage to overcome our urge to change, evaluate, comment almost everything that happens in our lives.

many times i have come to this point, where i almost clearly understood with my heart what it means to accept the moment as it is and embrace it, but yet i did not manage to hold that feeling inside me for longer time. it always comes as a glimpse and quickly passes away. but it gives me hope. hope to continue doing what i do and searching the way i do, because i know that it is the exactly what i wish to achieve. i am a hunter. and my prey is that enormous overwhelming freedom that comes every now and then. i know i have my mistakes and i know i probably could do it some other way which would be easier and quicker..but then again, here i am again resisting the moment as it is, by evaluating my deeds as bad and not effective. one simple thing that i have come to a knowledge is that every time and i mean every time, when something happens that makes me feel overwhelmed or sad or nervous...simply out of balance..i take a deep breath and it helps. that is the first step. it is so funny how some things that i have read in the books or heard somewhere, are starting to come to practice in my daily OM as i might call it. after some time i realize that i actually do things subconsciously that are helping me reach my goal..and that is to become more in tune with myself. and i try to be alert and awake for every possible 'hint' that i can get that could help me achieve it. people always amaze me, but also amuse me. they are sometimes like my exercise tools for me to grow. what they do, affects me and i kind of just react to their actions and understand it as my exercise. it has nothing to do with them actually. it is as if i would be playing this game alone and all the people around me are my playground toys. this may sound very non personal but there is nothing bad in this. i simply try to erase the story behind it. and that story is often making us blind. and that story is too often addicting us from seeing clearly.

hopefully the journey that i am taking now in two days will help me clear my way so that i can see clearly and hear what silence is telling me. ten days in silence, surely i will hear something.

stop, take a breath

there must be something seriously wrong with this world..or better said, with the society. because the way i see it, we are gasping for air..we are probably the only specie that is evolving towards its extinction. everything is turned upside down. aren't we supposed to go the other way. i mean it is not all so dark and grey, of course there is evolution going on, but at the same time we constantly need dangerous cliffs, over which we constantly are falling. we need radical situations to wake us up and make us go the other, safer way. why are there mostly smaller groups of people around that are starting doing something, before it is too late to save ourselves. why is it that the majority is always one step behind the minority?? is it so hard to look over the crowd, outside the box and realize that there is something more than only gasping..that we were actually made to breathe with full lungs, but in long period of time we simply forgot or what? we seriously need to learn how to breathe again. and i mean this metaphorically and metaphysically. stop. hello.

nice talking to myself

lately my life is one test after another..i know we should take responsibility for our actions and understand that things do not happen without us having call them into our lives..but it is amazing how open your mind has to be in order to have everything under control. and i do not mean control as if in controlling and managing everything that goes on around you, but to be able to understand it at the very first moment when situation emerges. to understand why certain things are happening and before you jump in it, to stop and have a moment of silence and just breathe, look around you and then act. if any action is needed at all.

and when the moment comes, when one does not feel a need to say anything, because that situation already passed, and next NOW is here, and next NOW, and next....that is when you know what all those other people are telling you.

and this is what i am learning and accepting right now. it does not mean that i will never be upset or sad or disappointed. but it definitely means i will be disappointed less time and things and people will not upset or hurt me so many times. i really, really understand that now. i mean i still fight with my thoughts in my head. but i know what are they trying to push me into. so many times i want to say something, when i think someone is wrong or my opinion is completely different from other person..but less and less i actually say it. because if you think about it, it does not have any meaning at all, because i can already predict how the conversation will continue and i know i do not like the direction it is probably going to go. so i leave it there. i smile and look away.
because there is simply no need in having to share words if their meaning is totally misused. words are over ratted i have read somewhere. and i could not agree more. even when i write a blog i sometimes simply erase text, after all i am writing it for myself on the first place. and if by writing i clear stuff in my head that i had to resolve for my personal sake, it is not necessary to leave them written on screen. just like talking.

the deepest truths are found inside ourselves, and nobody can go there with you.

miss tearious

after a lot of noise there is always time for silence. i so honor these moments that i have only for myself. being able to just breathe silently and gently flow through the world, having no goal to reach or assignment to do. just walking with mere peace inside. and how quickly i forget how precious those moments are and how fulfilling. i am a person of sound and laughter, but i need silence and i need it badly. it is of course the simple law of balance. as this old capoeira song goes 'eu tenho balanço, eu sou mandingueiro' ...it is of course talking about completely different balance, but i am a mandinguiera of life and i know that balance is one of the crucial things for me to function normally.
today i was at this bossa nova concert and it was as if someone would caress me with sound. and the beat was perfect, not to fast not to slow and the volume of the band was perfect..again my soul was starting to get that saudade feeling that i always get when i hear something that has to do with brasil. i know my heart is somewhere there. i just have to go and find it. and afterwards i meet this brasilian mestre and the words just came to me as if the language was mine. this deep connection is one of great mysteries in my life. and it's great to have some mystery. the unexplainable things make your mind active and fresh.