hear yourself out

my blog is my therapy room, my sanctuary and my mirror. i need it. might be odd, that i am willing to expose my deepest thoughts here on this ''almighty web'' where everyone can acess it, but i like to think that despite these being my very own personal issues i'm dealing with, i am maybe also stimulating others in re-thinking theirs. anyways, that's not what i was intending to write about.

again i'm having insomnia nights. this is second one in a role. might not seem like a situation to panic about, but insomnia reminds me of some of my darkest and hardest nights i've had in the past year. i do not wish to go there again, ever! i know that the fact i was home sick for 2 days now also has something to do with my current mental state, but that's not an excuse to ignore it. being with yourself for 2 days can open doors you keep shut whilst spending time around people simply because you don't take time to listen to yourself. and i have a slight idea of where all this thoughts are coming from considering the fact i'm sort of starting a new chapter in my life...or at least i'm trying to. but there are all these fears an doubts and wishes and dreams i'm dealing with also. i was completely fine...until the fresh wind from Germany blew straight into my head. i've seen these scenario with one of my friends, and now it's happening to me. once you establish a fully functional and autonomous self, you kinda can get attached to that stability. and the moment that something happens that can change that, maybe even crash that stability you've worked for so hard on your own...you panic! because let's face it, we are all afraid of changes in one way or another. afraid because we get too attached to our situations. exactly what Eckart says...we identify ourselves with the situation, instead with our state of mind. and we think that new unknown situation might ''jeopardise'' what is known and comfortable to us. and that's exactly what i've did...but wasn't able to see it up till now. see, here is where the Heureka moment pops up..the lightbulb over my head! that's why i need to write my thoughts down.

earlier this evening i was watching some new documentaries about the ''New earth'' as Eckart calls it and everyone is talking about. i've heard it so many times now, that these things just coe so normal to me. i guess changes that everybody are talking about are trully happening to many of us, and i certainly hope that soon the majority will accept that we need to change our way of thinking in order to live up to our full potential. that is my greates wish..that i would be able to live up to my greatest potential, to be able to understand what is going on around me, why is it happening, how can i really change it and make it the way i want...because i know it is possible, i just haven't figured it out how!

say cheese, take a perfect picture!

i love to take pictures, i love to be on pictures and i love taking them. i like having them to remember the good times in my life. but looking at them often also reminds you of some past moments that are now almost forgotten or maybe even painfull. i also often think about why is it that i like to take pictures, because people say that the best memories are kept within your mind not on the pictures. it's true. and it is also true that often looking at pictures can bring certain situations or people alive, even though they are not in your life anymore. and i think there is a catch that can be limitating...because memories define you in one way or another. good or bad...you can stick to them and they prevent you from changing. and that's what i'm afraid of sometimes. i don't want to be defined by my memories, because then i won't be able to think new ways, new ideas, new concepts, cause then i'll be stuck in a gap of my memories.

but how can one liberate thyself from that? it's a million dollar question! i'm trying to find out that. as it so happens i fell into a situation that makes me deal at the same time with my past AND my future. and if i'll be too much influenced by past i won't be able to progress at present time so consequently i'll start repeating my past. and that i definetly don't want. but it's funny though, because i was brought into a situation that contains a person from my past and it is now up to me how my actions will be, will i continue my past reactions or will i remember what i've learned the first time and with that knowledge progress here and now, having the chance to upgrade to a state where i'll reach what i've always believed the picture could look like. hopefully i'll be smart enough my fear won't disable me from making the perfect picture, perfect.