Patricia and me
you know how sometimes you have like only one thought in your head, and yometimes there is a huge amount of ideas, thoughts and feeling floating down your mind? well, at the moment i'm in the second state. so many things i need to understand, analyze, ask...
i had a car accident on sunday. but this was only one of the group of things that happened. it was al connected with my state of mind last few days. i already told you about sme in my previous post. and then i was talking to Ubaldo and he also reminded me yesterday, that all this things were all connected and that i have to be carefull. i know that, but i just haven't figure out what is wrong, what is leading me to all of this.
my dreams tell me it's mostly the thing of the heart. i am always dreaming about Sabin. even today i did. and it was a wierd dream, cause he was acting as if we are together again and calling me the love of my life. why? i don't get it. is it the projection ofmy sub conciousnes, or is it because of the things people are saying to me about him. i'm confused and angry. and then like from the middle of nowhere i had this dream about the portuguese guy from the trainnings yesterday. i was with him in Lisbon. so now i don't understand anything anymore.
and i'm worried about Patricia, i wish to be by her side so much, but we are so far away. i feel she needs me now, more than ever. i feel so helpless, but at least she is telling me what's happening, so that i feel i'm not losing her. i love her so much. i've never felt like this towards a person, it's really special feeling.
and then i was watching David Icke movies again, and he says how we should libearte ourselves and i try to, but with so many things on my mind i have to analyze them all and understand them all in order to evolve and it's so goddamn hard. day has only 24 hours..i guess that's why i even dream about all this, so that i analyze all this stuff in my dreams. uh, i'm telling you..it's hard to be me! =)
and then... i'm asking myself again...why am i even writting all this most intimate stuff here for everyone to read them. oh, right cause i'm not supposed to care what others think about me, cause everyone has the right to think and feel whatever he does. and to show people it's not so hard to reveal yourself. afterall i am in lot of shit at the moment, so how could i even go any deeper! =) ehehe, just joking!
so, what's on my weekly agenda for this week:
1. liberate yourself!
2. liberate yourself!
3. break the eggshell, and liberate yourself!
Friday, 16 November 2007
ok, today was a wierd day and i'm glad it ended with nice energy. things happened which made me rather fall out of my energy flow and i didn't expect.
even my teacher of capoeira noticed i'm not really there with my thoughts. i kept forgetting things and stuff i even cried.
well, nevermind...i'm really, really glad that after evening trainnings it all sorted out and i'm again in my energy flow.
my friend maja told me the other day she really admires me, how i share my life with people that read my blog. well, practically anyone can... and i started to think about it. so what if everyone knows that i'm sad, happy, worried, and so on? is it really so hard to open yourself to people? i know..it makes you vulnerable and that is what people are afraid of. but i don't think that way, i think if i feel i have to take out all this things that are there on my mind and if i feel better after i do it... then i will continue writting my blog. and i also think that people that read it are not people who don't like me right? so there's no reason for them to hurt me because they know things about me. nevertheless there are some people i think read my blog, but don't understand it and maybe there is no point in them doing this, but i can't forbid them from doing this right. it's a free country ;) heheh!
maybe some of you think i don't remember you in my thoughts and never think about you, but believe me a lot of people that read my blog are mentioned in it, often not by their names, but if they read carefully they may find a sentence they can identify with. think about it, my mind is a wide place and i have a lot of time to think. there is a special moment for you all in my mind, everyone of you!
i was watching a movie Babel yesterday and i wanted o share my thoughts with you on this. i recommend it to everyone. it's a strong movie and believe me i'm a hard customer!=) i cried like at least 4 times!! omg!;)
but don't get me wrong it's not a girly movie of any kind. it just has this strong scenes in sense of the power that you can feel, the sympathy for the characters in the movie, the anger because you know the truth which is sometimes understood wrongly, depends on the point of the wiever... seriously, a good movie worth to be watched. three stories on different parts of the world, all connected somehow. nevermind that Brad Pitt is starring, but i have to say in this one he gave out a good act.
so my friends, this is it for todays blabbering.... keep the MAVRICA in your heart!
Friday, 9 November 2007
sometimes i wanna be so deep in my posts..and other days, i'm all about simple. today i'm in simple state i think =)
i still didn't pass my crysis, but i guess i kinda faced it and am now calm. it's not the end of the world if i stand on this point now.. in few months i'll be somewhere totally else and i'll laugh to this.
katjuša is going to China for 1 year..but last days we are spending together give me so much nice energy. we have mavrica (rainbow) that is always chasing us. and it keeps me going on... keep it simple!
this is our special mavrica song that Katjuša and Andrej made up:
pet, pet, pet...
pet, pet, pet...
ena, ena, ena... e-ena
ena, ena, ena... e-ena
Posted by bea at 01:01
Friday, 2 November 2007
i'm at existential crysis or whatever is it called my state of being at the moment. i have so many ideas that i want to make real, but i'm not sure if i can do it...well,not actually, bad pick of words, i can do them all, i just don't know when will i be able to do them or how. they are all longterm actually, and i guess i'm not really a perfect example of patience. thinking in years is too much for me...i wanna do it now! but i simply can't. i wanna travel to Brasil, everyone knows that, and it's been my biggest wish since i started capoeira. but i'm counting that i will be able to go sometime next year at this time...november, december. but that's so long ahead...
i can't imagine. i never thought in this manner before. i don't know i guess it's because i'm at this point in my life where i'm deciding what i wanna do with my life. maybe i'm thinking about it too much.
then there's this idea that i got about moving to live and work in Mauritius..and suddenly i realised, that maybe a landscape architecture is not useful in every part of the world. i don't know...i've been talking to people from there and many have told me that IT is certainly the best profession to succeed. so i guess i'll have more chances with my graphic design education. i'm also learning InDesign now, which is a must in graphic design program nowdays. but all this is again longterm thinking. i will not be able to move there without some money right!?
so here it goes..my job. what am i supossed to do here...i mean..if i look for a serious job, noone will take me if i tell them i have no intention to stay and live in this country. and if i look for temporary solution..i end up with stupid jobs that bring me small money and no progress. with progress i mean they don't have to do anything with my education. so, what's the deal? i don't know... i'm stagnating at this point where i'm not really the happiest person at all feeling sory for myself! i hate that! =(
and there's this memory of Sabin that is always and still chasing me. i simply can't get him out of my mind. and it's wierd...you know how you sometimes feel that things are not concluded yet? well, i have this feeling with this. and i am not really happy to have it...it's not making me happier at all. but i keep saying to myself, hey girl..it will go away, this things need time... yeah whatever!
in the meanwhile i just try to be creative and keep a smile on my face. eventhough it's fake sometimes...
Posted by bea at 22:57
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