they say that we must first try to understand who we are not, because it's easier to realise then who we ARE. but saying what i'm not, doesn't necesarily means it's really who i am..because it can also be that i don't want to be all that, but i really am. or by saying what i'm not i already define and abolish that what i'm not? hmm, i don't know...is this my ego again?
i'm playing this funny game inside my head lately...it's called recognise the ego and abolish it! hahaha..seriously, what's going on inside my head is a crazy ride with loads of blind passengers! but i manage somehow to overcome myself and on the end it's a win-win situation...since darkness can never survive in presence of the light. that's a meere fact and it calms me down, because i know that light is within me and i'm the one that can decide whether it will shine or descend. i have the power within me.
Eckhart talks about pain body. that's what happened to me today.. it arose from within and i was fighting with it all day. i know, i know..i'm not supossed to fight it, but i don't know yet in practice how to embrace it and observe it, without identificating with it. i guess that was my today's lecture. and what i've learned from it? well, that light always prevails over darkness...because it happened on the end. and despite the fact that i can not sleep right now...i know myway is the right way, and it's the exact way i've chosen to walk on. no matter what happens to me...i will accept it and learn from it.
I want to share the silence inside me that i've found in the past few weeks. but how does a person share silence, inner peace and all that vastness of life. it is truly almost impossible. but yet i feel it has to be shared. since yesterday i reached certain point in my life, where i don't understand myself anymore, but yet i am calm, cause i know it is okay the way that i feel.
Eckhart Tolle is a great man, great spiritual teacher. i would reccomend his work to anyone. but i know at the same time, that not everyone is ready for what he has to say. and that actually bothers me and worries me, cause i want people to know all about what i know now. how our lives are driven by our ego and we are puppets, unconcious puppets on strings of ego. but that we can also free ourselves from that. i believe that anyone that is ready will find it's way to free himself. but at this point i am also in a great doubt what to do. i will explain what i mean. since i've come to aknowledge that my ex boyfriend has had two girls already after we split up, i've kind of became worried. i don't know why. maybe cause i think i know him and i have a feeling that he is somehow lost himself in this sensless race of life that he gained after we split up. i say gained because that's how i think he thinks. but now, after all that i've been through i watch all his actions from a distance and i am honestly worried about him. i still love him, but not as i did before. and that's why i want to just hold him still and say to him...hey!! stop for a moment and look what you're doing to yourself. it is not the fact that he jumps from one woman to another and all inside a very small group of people that worries me, but the people that he chooses. i know, i have no right to judge others but as i still care about him, i want to tell him something, anything...just to rethink his doings, before he will realise and it will be too late. i feel that he is lost. but at the same time i know he would probably not understand whyt i want to say to him, because i am to him just one of his ex-girlfriends.
why do i want to do that? i don't know. i have no idea. and why i reacted totally different when i realised about one person that is now his girlfriend, and the other that was with him 2 months ago. how is it possible that i freaked out at the first one, and i hugged the other one?? what happened to me? what is going on inside me? all this processes are so deep that i can not understand them. Eckhart said that it's good when one loses himself, meanning not knowing who he or she is...because then you can free yourself from your ego. because you don't identify yourself with forms anymore. is this what's happening to me? i doubt that, because i think i still need more time and that i'm not ready or mature yet..but then again this is au contrare of what he is saying. time is not the issue...actually it is, because you must not wait for something to happen, because it is only now that is happening in this creative moment.
anyways, i started singing again. i am back. and i feel alive. isn't that enough?
i already knew that my mind is sometimes possesed by something rather than myself, but i had no idea of whatsoever that it was as deep as this. i am in the process of unfolding who i really am, what kind of things makes me, me. what defines me as myself, and what is only a product of some outter counterpart. there are too many books and experts out there that one could digest. but i think that what we need comes to our path. and i've come to posses a book of Eckhart Tolle called New earth. it is for me one of the books that you could say...KICKED MY ASS! i am still reading and digesting it, and it will probably take me ages to really digest it in the true meanning as understand everything that has to offer. but even now, it's giving me so much. it talks about EGO. the voice in your head. you know, that little tiny, annoying voice that always occupies your mind. well, you know what...first thing that i've learned rom the book..we are nOT our EGO. i know, strange isn't it!? then who are we? who am I? what am I? i've asked all this questions, but then i just stopped asking and just started reading. We are. that's it! nothing is good or bad, or nice, or evil or anything...everything is, and all those other adjectives are plain inventions of our ego. because our ego needs to be defined, needs to be appreciated,needs to be loved, needs to be praised and sometimes it even needs to be hurt..because it makes him alive. without outter impulses it does not exists and therefore it dies. but ego is strong, it's tough and it is not easily beaten. so if we want to understand what it is doing to us, we have to get out of our head. we have to become the listener, the observer and so we step onto another dimension of existence. and that's the whole point. understanding the boreder between ego and our true nature which is just Being, existing. and what helps us here is us trying to exist in the present moment. because that is all there is. our ego is bulit up on past experiences, but they do not exist anymore. memories are meere illusions and feelings that come with them are what distracts us from being right here, right now and just enjoying life. past experiences are only of use, when we learn something from them and afterwards let them go. when ego gets in, it wants to hold on to those memories and past experiences, because they define him. but our true existence needs not be defined, therefore it just is. this simplicity which is too complex for our corrupted mind.
p.s. to be continued...
on my way to work i was reading those displays on the buses where they try to 'educate' people or just bomb them with useless informations. anyways, what came to my attention was a news about a book that's talking about 2012 and how all over the world there will be massive changes. i feel these changes already, and i'm really confused about them, but in a way this news i've read today made me feel better and calmed me down. why? because all that i am going through right now, kind of seems to have a higher purpose now and therefore is easier to bare. i don't know, i might be just avoiding the truth and responsibility for my actions and everything that's going on, but if i find it easier to bare...is it a crime?and another thing. lately i'm thinking a lot about altruism. in past few days i've heard this word quite often and everybody told me, it's not really doing any good to me. so i got a little scared. i don't want to end up, being dissapointed over the worlds conciousness which is obviously not so altrusistic as i thought and hoped it would be. obviously my ideas about how this world goes are way too childish and naive?? or what?? i mean, where do i draw a line between me and the rest of the world? until when do i help people in order not to be egoist, and where do i stop because it's harming me? i don't know the line, and i don't think anybody does. but i know one thing....people are more and more egoistic and it hurts me. and past events that happened to me are only making me more and more dissapointed over the people. my sister told me i shouldn't generalise things. and she's right...but if the people i loved and trusted and thought only good about them, acted the way they did...what am i supossed to do?? who can i trust for never letting me down, for never hurting me that much. i know it's utopic thinking nobody will ever let you down and all, i don't mean that. but in the way that happened with my ex and that biatch. i mean....i really don't know, i really think i will need lots of time to trust someone like that again. but the promise i made to myself after this is, that all the people that i will have any kind of strange feeling about, or my sixth sense will tell me there is something wrong with this picture girl, i'll just start running. away as far as can! i learned a lesson from this. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR MIND IS SAYING!! you have to be honest WITH YOURSELF! not in that egoistic way not carring about others, but in a way where you are the first and most important teacher of yourself, and everything you need to know, you already know...you just have to be attent to recognise it and trust your inner sense! connect with yourself and you will survive in best possible way. your life has to be pure and honest. i think that is the most important thing everyone should do. and starting from today, i'm oppening my heart and listening to what my innerself has to say and i will let it guide me.
do you think it hurts when catterpillar is turning into a butterfly? cause i really hope all this i'm feeling inside right now is going to be worth it one day. they say what matters is the path we walk and not the goal, but it would be so much easier to know why do we have to walk on bumpy road and where does it lead. i try to accept my way and everything that comes with it, because i honestly believe one day i will understand why i had to walk here and why all this people had to act the way they did, for me to learn my lesson. i honestly feel deep down in my heart they are all my teachers and one day i will be strong enough to forgive them all because i will understand why i had to go through all this.
and if you ask me, the catterpillar hurts..but it doesn't ask herself why does it have to suffer, it accepts the hurt as part of life and something with a higher purpose.
deleted...for karma purposes...
i wish our mind would be like a machine, like a computer...complicated and complex...but also easy to manage. for example, when i don't want to think, i simply turn it off with one button!!! why can't it be so simple?!?!
i love it, how same things can be said and explained in so many different way. and how our mind is explicitly unique. why am i saying this. well, the other day i was watching the movie Malice in wonderland and it made me think. and on the end i've came up with a rather interesting conlusion. the point of the movie was trying to make you re-think who we truly are and what determines us. are we made out of previous events and experiences we've lived in our lives or what it truly matters is here an now in no connection to what was before. if we would lose our memory right now, who would we be? would we be anyone? what would determine us as person, individual? would we even know how to live without all that "baggage" of past we usually carry with us? isn't it scary in a way? to think that all we've lived until now, could easily dissapear and make us question our existence, meanning not knowing who we are, what we like, what we hate, what makes us happy, sad, what is our passion, what we love. and yet, isn't it wonderful to think that without all that baggage we can truly be free and liberated of our boxes and we are forced to think outside of a box, because the box does not exist. i'm thinking if that's the point that all those spiritual book are always trying to tell you and teach you. that only thing that really matters is here and now without the past and future. so you see, the same thing that was told to me hundreds of times before, came tomy understanding with one simple movie that i didn't even want to see on the first place. and it was all clear to me. woala...
circles..we all move in circles...we think we go our way straight in line, but it's circles really. what goes around, comes around.broken frames,so dark inside,faces mismatched,
trickled up in a lie.
waves of shadows,
scattered dreams,
where are you,
where are you...
trying to find,
what do i see,
pictures that rime,
colors that breathe.
