endlesness

i'm at existential crysis or whatever is it called my state of being at the moment. i have so many ideas that i want to make real, but i'm not sure if i can do it...well,not actually, bad pick of words, i can do them all, i just don't know when will i be able to do them or how. they are all longterm actually, and i guess i'm not really a perfect example of patience. thinking in years is too much for me...i wanna do it now! but i simply can't. i wanna travel to Brasil, everyone knows that, and it's been my biggest wish since i started capoeira. but i'm counting that i will be able to go sometime next year at this time...november, december. but that's so long ahead...
i can't imagine. i never thought in this manner before. i don't know i guess it's because i'm at this point in my life where i'm deciding what i wanna do with my life. maybe i'm thinking about it too much.
then there's this idea that i got about moving to live and work in Mauritius..and suddenly i realised, that maybe a landscape architecture is not useful in every part of the world. i don't know...i've been talking to people from there and many have told me that IT is certainly the best profession to succeed. so i guess i'll have more chances with my graphic design education. i'm also learning InDesign now, which is a must in graphic design program nowdays. but all this is again longterm thinking. i will not be able to move there without some money right!?
so here it goes..my job. what am i supossed to do here...i mean..if i look for a serious job, noone will take me if i tell them i have no intention to stay and live in this country. and if i look for temporary solution..i end up with stupid jobs that bring me small money and no progress. with progress i mean they don't have to do anything with my education. so, what's the deal? i don't know... i'm stagnating at this point where i'm not really the happiest person at all feeling sory for myself! i hate that! =(

and there's this memory of Sabin that is always and still chasing me. i simply can't get him out of my mind. and it's wierd...you know how you sometimes feel that things are not concluded yet? well, i have this feeling with this. and i am not really happy to have it...it's not making me happier at all. but i keep saying to myself, hey girl..it will go away, this things need time... yeah whatever!
in the meanwhile i just try to be creative and keep a smile on my face. eventhough it's fake sometimes...


'liberate yourself'