Sunday, 28 October 2012

Understand the under.

I haven't been around lately but the other day a new facebook friend (which I don't actually know in person but nevertheless) reminded me of my blog. So I've juts been waiting for the perfect moemnt to return to this empty board and scratch some new ideas into it and publish them.

There is really no special ocassion that I have returned today..well, maybe except first snow of this autumn, but I will surely have some stuff to write down.

It is one of my habits that whenever I start a new post, I usually read the previous one published and by that I see where have I gone from there. And today, I realised I have gone far. This summer was crazy, I have felt amazing all through July and August. Been there, done that I just could not believe  sometimes that all that energy is within me. But then it struck me. Even to this day I don't know what happened, but in a certain moment I was so sad and heavy inside. It was for no apparent reason whatsoever that my mood changed and suddenly all I have wanted was to be left alone and spend my time in isolation. 
Not that I was refusing company at all cost, but even if I was spending time with my closest friends, I didn't feel comfortable. It was wierd. It still is a bit, because they've been asking me what's with me, if I am okay and stuff. And to tell you the truth, that is the last thing I want to be asked. Because the problem is that even I don't understand it and having all this thoughts inside, there is no need in anyone else bringing the subject up. But I know they are just worried about me, because I am usually the loudest one and in the middle of attention. 
There was even a very intense experience one time at the end of the August at a drumming workshop. We were visiting friends in the ecovillage in the mountains where we were suppossed to attend a drumming workshop. Me myself love the drums, but I am not very keen in playing them for several hours learning the beats until your hands get all swallen and you can't feel your fingers. So I decided I won't be drumming, but rather spend some quiet time around my friends making dreamcatchers instead. Unfortunatelly my idea did not work out so well, because Sebastjan needed an extra drummer on the drums so I did some drumming.

But what I felt inside was this wierd heavy energy that made me wanna cry over and over again. And I didn't know why. I still don't know. And I still sometimes cry in my bed before I go to sleep. Just for a minute of two, but the fact is that I cry now knowing why and it's quite frustrating.
The only explanation at this moment is that it has something to do with my process that I was doing during the whole summer. 
It is a boook called The presence process. You work on your subconscious mind for 10 weeks, meditating twice per day and each week processing another theme. It is supposed to be a strong technique in revealing and overcoming old patterns we all carry inside ourselves and transcending our old paradigms. 
So from what I concluded my present mood is a consequence of all that. It might be, that there's also other stuff that I come across daily in my life, afterall there has been some vigorous happening lately. The most recent one being the stressfull experience of doubting into my writting and editing of our site . 
All this and more, how can one not have moments of weakness, sadness, downfall and doubt. But as I have come so far, knowing that life is all about changes I try to quietly sit back and accept all that is coming to me and just let is flow through me. Which brings me to one of my latest posts about feeling overwhelmed, light and grateful. Life is nothing but balancing your path through different obstacles and goals. 

No comments: