recently i am struggling with a doubt. i started to doubt in everything i know. but not in a way, that i am not smart enough or intelligent enough, but doubt in a way, that all that comes to me from outside is questionable in its value. everything is without value if it can not come from the inside out, from me, from my essence. in a way my past year was extroverted for i was so thirsty for knowledge and wisdom and spirituality..but all that is without any value if after reading a book, watching a movie or a documentary you are still the observer and a thirsty seeker that seeks onward. so many words have passed my head, and so little of them sticked. but at this point i feel that all this extroverted search has to turn inward and stop seeking, but arrive. As Eckart Tolle said in his book The stilness speaks "the nature of seeker is in its future goal" meanning that he who seeks, shall not find, for the answer is always in the Now, never in the future. and i know that i was always the one who seeks and the one who hopes for better future, for something to happen and always in the future. i tend not to get angry at myself as i've done so many times in my life, when i had a feeling that i've dissapointed myself. now i just try to smile and accept my so called 'mistakes'. there is always the Now where i can start over and over until i really understand that all that matters is already here.
i have been so much involved in my story. the big glorious story of love, dissapointment, betrayal, hate, truth and justice. i mean seriously, could i have been so blind that i have not foreseen that what i am doing is exactly what i shouldn't do in order to transcend old habits and feelings.
my story is my study case. a perfect example of my spiritual growth. and as i was already discussing many times, the only and best way to learn something for real is to experience it yourself. that means you have to face your innerself, without any external noise. and being said at the beggining that i doubt everything nowdays, i think there will be no better test for me as to stop in stillness and start listening to silence. without books, without movies, without conversations.
being gone through many situations where my emotional intelligence was put on test, I am in a period of my life where things and people are getting less and less of my attention and my energy. I believe it is not easy to accept the fact that being alone practically whole your life is simply one of life truths and not a drama that we should in any way analyze or discuss. i don't mean people should be alone alone...but i definetly stand behind the fact one should be able to bare his life without constant input from other beings, be it human or animal. i get really annoyed if someone expects from me my constant attention to his actions or words. i know people simply need to be noticed because otherwise they feel as if they're life has no meaning or something, but for heavens sake don't they realize with that they only show how poor they are in their souls. i believe when one is self sufficient in emotional sense inputs of any kind are unnecessary. don't get me wrong, i am certainly not saying that we should all just ignore one another, but that if i don't react or give attention to something, it doesn't mean i'm an evil or egocentric person or that i don't like or love that person. it doesn't! i don't know why is that so hard to understand. actually i know...because people tend to live they're lives based on opinions and expectations of others, not their own. sadly then people who try to oppose that and live according to they're own beliefs and ideas, no matter the public norms and expectation, are seen as social outcasts or egocentric, heartless and cold. we were thought that relationships are based on emotional bondage, meaning if one is not able to live without another, it must be true love and friendship. and that loyalty is only shown by giving all your time, attention and energy. i strongly believe those are tragic misconceptions of what a true relationship is and how emotionally mature people interact. no matter friendship or love relationship, there is no greater gift one can give to another, than freedom. and the greatest gift to yourself. by being able to see that all you feel inside yourself is based on your expectations towards others and no one is ever guilty for you feeling bad if someone acts in a way that is not in your scenario. i have been dissapointed, hurt, sad in my life many times. but lately i get less and less of those emotions or when i do, i spend less time analyzing them. there is not much point in doing that. the best thing to do is to accept what life brings and make the best of it.
we constantly put ourselves to tests, unknowingly or knowingly. with knowledge that we gain through our personal development, we tend to attract certain situations through which we practice what we preach so to say. and i find this an amazing procedure, amazing journey of testing and challenging our ego. it's often not a nice game we play, it gets dirty and it tends to hurt. but i say it is amazing because if you see after you pass the critical time, the actual progress you have made throughout your journey...you rejoy, for you are growing and as there is an old saying ''You live, you learn.'' so it is never over. neverending game.
i was put in many situations where i could practice my commitment to the Truth. i know, i know..Truth is overrated..but then again, EVERYTHING'S overrated! because we over rate. and if we don't...well, then it looses the importance and it doesn't matter anyway, so why bother with it. so, now i got a lesson in truth. i understand what i have to do, in order to have clear mind and peacefull soul...but what makes me sad is, that people around me like too often point fingers, because they are either hurt or unhappy or unsure. i decided i'm over with that. pointing fingers is for the weak. because it is so much easier, than to be quiet and process what the experience brought to you.
i was thinking what means being humble, where is the line when one should bend its head and not be potentiously proud, and where one should simply stand behind its own words and not let anything or anyone pass them. it is hard to be humble. but it is so much more rewarding what you get when you don't get your ego fight with another persons ego.
i have seen this game so many times in the last few weeks that i got simply fed up with this battle and i can not take it anymore. i find it repulsive and not worthy of my time, therefore i step away rather than enter the game. and one important thing i have come up with is that i am many times too judgemental towards myself. too hard on everything i do. as if i am not supossed to make a single mistake, because poeple might find that mistake and show it in front of my face and leave me speachless. but i know i am not in any way perfect and yet i am the most perfect as i can be, because there is no better me, than me. it is who i am, and through time i will change and step forward and nothing will be as it is here and now, because it can not be. and what is here and now, won't even matter then. because when i screw up something now, i will know better next time so nothing can be the same as it is. from every moment we are perfect. and things are as they are.
and last, but certainly not least...i understand one important thing at this moment. i need to be alone now. i need to explore, i need to rejoyce this miracle that was given to me and it's called life. i need to grow and seek, and discover and cry and laugh and be silent and sing. and i need my lungs and my head to be clear for all that, because i believe it is how i can get the most of it all. the potential that is still captured in me, needs to be opened by myself.thank you.
we are cameleons...we tend to change our colors, to adjust to a situation and a lot of times we are not even aware of it. as for me, i so easily and quietly adjust, that sometimes i surprise myself. just today i was thinking about it and realised that. so funny, especially when you counsciously observe the situation as an outside observer. and afterwards i also realised why we sometimes can feel alone even among other people. because we tend to mirror the surroundings inside us, and if the surrounding is not responding, we suddenly feel this emptiness. but the thing is, that this emptiness is a product of our own and not to be blamed on the surroundings. if one is complete in spiritual sense, there is not a single spot inside him, that is left empty and needs to be filled with some outter party. we often forget that or do not even know the reason for our loneliness. i think we should replace the pronounciation of the word loneliness into loan-liness, because it has higher discriptive meanning....we borrow a person or a situation to fill us in. and we expect it to last. but it can not last, since it is not our true nature, we just borrowed it. so eventually we have to be faced with ourselves. many times people just replace one loan after another because they simply can not bare to look deeper. but if you are ready and brave enough to look there, i can assure you, you shall find nothing but fullfilling emptiness of your true self.
i know sometimes people want to think that they're something that they're really not, or they want to be something they're really not. and i understand why we all sometimes feel like that. but idon't think that's being sincere to yourself. and not being truthfull to yourself, is not being truthfull to others around you. it hurts. seeing other person trying to be something it's not really him or her. i've stopped trying to change people around me, i don't care anymore. if we get along i accept that, but if not, there is only one thing i do..i step away from them. simple. makes sense and makes it easier. what's the point in having anykind of relationship if you feel it's not genuine. i don't have any problem with accepting people for who they are, i just don't feel any need anymore of attaching myself to anyone. and i find it hillarious and pathetic if i see someone that does. i knew there will come the time when i will slowly start to selectively pick my social network, by that meanning i will extract only the best of the best, the essence of the flower field. it's gonna sound funny what i'm about to say...but it said it in the book, this would happen. because when a person is no longer in need of outter reflections, because one is capable of recognising them at himself, he can slowly get bored by watching the same old situations which are not getting him anywhere. i admit i might seem a bit arogant at times, but i simply can not and will not get into a conversation if it doesn't interest me, or if i can see the deeper picture and don't like it. i don't simply follow conversations anymore. i analyse them on some other level. i can't explain, but what people say is often so irrelevant to me, because underneath all that crap they're saying just for something to be said...i feel and understand other things. and i can not go beyond that anymore now. sometimes i try, but it's not working...probably because i don't want it to work. i enjoy being me, and i don't really need anyone to enjoy it either. i'm not saying i don't need friends, of course i do! i love them and i wouldn't trade them for anything. i just wish people would start being more honest to themselves so that relationships of anykind would start to be more honest.
my blog is my therapy room, my sanctuary and my mirror. i need it. might be odd, that i am willing to expose my deepest thoughts here on this ''almighty web'' where everyone can acess it, but i like to think that despite these being my very own personal issues i'm dealing with, i am maybe also stimulating others in re-thinking theirs. anyways, that's not what i was intending to write about. again i'm having insomnia nights. this is second one in a role. might not seem like a situation to panic about, but insomnia reminds me of some of my darkest and hardest nights i've had in the past year. i do not wish to go there again, ever! i know that the fact i was home sick for 2 days now also has something to do with my current mental state, but that's not an excuse to ignore it. being with yourself for 2 days can open doors you keep shut whilst spending time around people simply because you don't take time to listen to yourself. and i have a slight idea of where all this thoughts are coming from considering the fact i'm sort of starting a new chapter in my life...or at least i'm trying to. but there are all these fears an doubts and wishes and dreams i'm dealing with also. i was completely fine...until the fresh wind from Germany blew straight into my head. i've seen these scenario with one of my friends, and now it's happening to me. once you establish a fully functional and autonomous self, you kinda can get attached to that stability. and the moment that something happens that can change that, maybe even crash that stability you've worked for so hard on your own...you panic! because let's face it, we are all afraid of changes in one way or another. afraid because we get too attached to our situations. exactly what Eckart says...we identify ourselves with the situation, instead with our state of mind. and we think that new unknown situation might ''jeopardise'' what is known and comfortable to us. and that's exactly what i've did...but wasn't able to see it up till now. see, here is where the Heureka moment pops up..the lightbulb over my head! that's why i need to write my thoughts down. earlier this evening i was watching some new documentaries about the ''New earth'' as Eckart calls it and everyone is talking about. i've heard it so many times now, that these things just coe so normal to me. i guess changes that everybody are talking about are trully happening to many of us, and i certainly hope that soon the majority will accept that we need to change our way of thinking in order to live up to our full potential. that is my greates wish..that i would be able to live up to my greatest potential, to be able to understand what is going on around me, why is it happening, how can i really change it and make it the way i want...because i know it is possible, i just haven't figured it out how!
i love to take pictures, i love to be on pictures and i love taking them. i like having them to remember the good times in my life. but looking at them often also reminds you of some past moments that are now almost forgotten or maybe even painfull. i also often think about why is it that i like to take pictures, because people say that the best memories are kept within your mind not on the pictures. it's true. and it is also true that often looking at pictures can bring certain situations or people alive, even though they are not in your life anymore. and i think there is a catch that can be limitating...because memories define you in one way or another. good or bad...you can stick to them and they prevent you from changing. and that's what i'm afraid of sometimes. i don't want to be defined by my memories, because then i won't be able to think new ways, new ideas, new concepts, cause then i'll be stuck in a gap of my memories.
but how can one liberate thyself from that? it's a million dollar question! i'm trying to find out that. as it so happens i fell into a situation that makes me deal at the same time with my past AND my future. and if i'll be too much influenced by past i won't be able to progress at present time so consequently i'll start repeating my past. and that i definetly don't want. but it's funny though, because i was brought into a situation that contains a person from my past and it is now up to me how my actions will be, will i continue my past reactions or will i remember what i've learned the first time and with that knowledge progress here and now, having the chance to upgrade to a state where i'll reach what i've always believed the picture could look like. hopefully i'll be smart enough my fear won't disable me from making the perfect picture, perfect.
