lately my life is one test after another..i know we should take responsibility for our actions and understand that things do not happen without us having call them into our lives..but it is amazing how open your mind has to be in order to have everything under control. and i do not mean control as if in controlling and managing everything that goes on around you, but to be able to understand it at the very first moment when situation emerges. to understand why certain things are happening and before you jump in it, to stop and have a moment of silence and just breathe, look around you and then act. if any action is needed at all. and when the moment comes, when one does not feel a need to say anything, because that situation already passed, and next NOW is here, and next NOW, and next....that is when you know what all those other people are telling you.
and this is what i am learning and accepting right now. it does not mean that i will never be upset or sad or disappointed. but it definitely means i will be disappointed less time and things and people will not upset or hurt me so many times. i really, really understand that now. i mean i still fight with my thoughts in my head. but i know what are they trying to push me into. so many times i want to say something, when i think someone is wrong or my opinion is completely different from other person..but less and less i actually say it. because if you think about it, it does not have any meaning at all, because i can already predict how the conversation will continue and i know i do not like the direction it is probably going to go. so i leave it there. i smile and look away.
because there is simply no need in having to share words if their meaning is totally misused. words are over ratted i have read somewhere. and i could not agree more. even when i write a blog i sometimes simply erase text, after all i am writing it for myself on the first place. and if by writing i clear stuff in my head that i had to resolve for my personal sake, it is not necessary to leave them written on screen. just like talking.
the deepest truths are found inside ourselves, and nobody can go there with you.
after a lot of noise there is always time for silence. i so honor these moments that i have only for myself. being able to just breathe silently and gently flow through the world, having no goal to reach or assignment to do. just walking with mere peace inside. and how quickly i forget how precious those moments are and how fulfilling. i am a person of sound and laughter, but i need silence and i need it badly. it is of course the simple law of balance. as this old capoeira song goes 'eu tenho balanço, eu sou mandingueiro' ...it is of course talking about completely different balance, but i am a mandinguiera of life and i know that balance is one of the crucial things for me to function normally. today i was at this bossa nova concert and it was as if someone would caress me with sound. and the beat was perfect, not to fast not to slow and the volume of the band was perfect..again my soul was starting to get that saudade feeling that i always get when i hear something that has to do with brasil. i know my heart is somewhere there. i just have to go and find it. and afterwards i meet this brasilian mestre and the words just came to me as if the language was mine. this deep connection is one of great mysteries in my life. and it's great to have some mystery. the unexplainable things make your mind active and fresh.
i wanted to talk about something completely else as it is going to turn out now. being in this search quest for the past year i have met some amazing and interesting people. and as it so happens i have met two more today. i know it was not an accident or coincidence of any kind, but more of a normal flow that i now give out to the world. i meet people that i want and they meet me. i was inspired and now i just had a moment of lost and found...and i am talking about my long forgotten poetic writing gift. i mean i am writing a blog all this time and i had kept a diary before that..but i have stopped writing poems and poetic texts as i had used to. and by today's meeting i got inspired. something woke up inside me again. my creativity was obviously sleeping for quite some time now. but i feel it has to come out. it is emerging and calling me to come and dig it out of my consciousness. i am thankful for this day. i am thankful for this people. and i am thankful that i am able to sense all this and understand it for only with this subtle senses i am able to evolve what was brought back to me.
limitless possibilities...what an unimaginable phrase. yet they've made a movie about it. it did make me think a lot about what a man is capable of. but i mean truly capable, without any chemical or natural substances. i believe in genius human consciousness..in all its glory and size! i really do. but i also believe that drugs can help you open a door or two for a quick look in that world, that is for a moment or maximum a couple of hours. i myself am not a big fan of drugs or even a user for that matter. i guess i just like to keep things under control and maybe in a way make it the hard way...also the safer one i think. but this movie was good in all aspects...showing the positive side of human capabilities that we actually all poses, we're just not aware of them...and the negative side of artificial stimulants..meaning what is not of human body and mind, shall never prevail because eventually the body will eject the intruder. even at the end of the movie one does not know, whether the man was telling the truth when he said he's clean and he just started to use his mind the way he did while on drugs, or was he still taking the magic pills that made his dreams come true.
the 'mistake' in the movie was only one thing...as the law of balance works...there can be no un-balanced energy that will last for long. that is exactly why quick business of any kind is also a quick failure. simply because there was too much of a potential on one side.
i would like to believe..as a matter of fact I DO believe that we are capable of doing this without any drugs and i can confirm that what you need is conscious awareness and a will that you want to change. one of important things that we forget is that wishing is not enough...pro-activity is a very important part of reaching a goal. and once you become proactive results start to show and opportunities to reach your goal appear. you may think it is merely a coincidence or you may call it luck..but the truth is that with your pro-activity you've made your way. and you never know where or how it might appear.
it was certainly a very inspiring movie..it actually made me FEEL i can do anything.
recently i am struggling with a doubt. i started to doubt in everything i know. but not in a way, that i am not smart enough or intelligent enough, but doubt in a way, that all that comes to me from outside is questionable in its value. everything is without value if it can not come from the inside out, from me, from my essence. in a way my past year was extroverted for i was so thirsty for knowledge and wisdom and spirituality..but all that is without any value if after reading a book, watching a movie or a documentary you are still the observer and a thirsty seeker that seeks onward. so many words have passed my head, and so little of them sticked. but at this point i feel that all this extroverted search has to turn inward and stop seeking, but arrive. As Eckart Tolle said in his book The stilness speaks "the nature of seeker is in its future goal" meanning that he who seeks, shall not find, for the answer is always in the Now, never in the future. and i know that i was always the one who seeks and the one who hopes for better future, for something to happen and always in the future. i tend not to get angry at myself as i've done so many times in my life, when i had a feeling that i've dissapointed myself. now i just try to smile and accept my so called 'mistakes'. there is always the Now where i can start over and over until i really understand that all that matters is already here.
i have been so much involved in my story. the big glorious story of love, dissapointment, betrayal, hate, truth and justice. i mean seriously, could i have been so blind that i have not foreseen that what i am doing is exactly what i shouldn't do in order to transcend old habits and feelings.
my story is my study case. a perfect example of my spiritual growth. and as i was already discussing many times, the only and best way to learn something for real is to experience it yourself. that means you have to face your innerself, without any external noise. and being said at the beggining that i doubt everything nowdays, i think there will be no better test for me as to stop in stillness and start listening to silence. without books, without movies, without conversations.
being gone through many situations where my emotional intelligence was put on test, I am in a period of my life where things and people are getting less and less of my attention and my energy. I believe it is not easy to accept the fact that being alone practically whole your life is simply one of life truths and not a drama that we should in any way analyze or discuss. i don't mean people should be alone alone...but i definetly stand behind the fact one should be able to bare his life without constant input from other beings, be it human or animal. i get really annoyed if someone expects from me my constant attention to his actions or words. i know people simply need to be noticed because otherwise they feel as if they're life has no meaning or something, but for heavens sake don't they realize with that they only show how poor they are in their souls. i believe when one is self sufficient in emotional sense inputs of any kind are unnecessary. don't get me wrong, i am certainly not saying that we should all just ignore one another, but that if i don't react or give attention to something, it doesn't mean i'm an evil or egocentric person or that i don't like or love that person. it doesn't! i don't know why is that so hard to understand. actually i know...because people tend to live they're lives based on opinions and expectations of others, not their own. sadly then people who try to oppose that and live according to they're own beliefs and ideas, no matter the public norms and expectation, are seen as social outcasts or egocentric, heartless and cold. we were thought that relationships are based on emotional bondage, meaning if one is not able to live without another, it must be true love and friendship. and that loyalty is only shown by giving all your time, attention and energy. i strongly believe those are tragic misconceptions of what a true relationship is and how emotionally mature people interact. no matter friendship or love relationship, there is no greater gift one can give to another, than freedom. and the greatest gift to yourself. by being able to see that all you feel inside yourself is based on your expectations towards others and no one is ever guilty for you feeling bad if someone acts in a way that is not in your scenario. i have been dissapointed, hurt, sad in my life many times. but lately i get less and less of those emotions or when i do, i spend less time analyzing them. there is not much point in doing that. the best thing to do is to accept what life brings and make the best of it.
we constantly put ourselves to tests, unknowingly or knowingly. with knowledge that we gain through our personal development, we tend to attract certain situations through which we practice what we preach so to say. and i find this an amazing procedure, amazing journey of testing and challenging our ego. it's often not a nice game we play, it gets dirty and it tends to hurt. but i say it is amazing because if you see after you pass the critical time, the actual progress you have made throughout your journey...you rejoy, for you are growing and as there is an old saying ''You live, you learn.'' so it is never over. neverending game.
i was put in many situations where i could practice my commitment to the Truth. i know, i know..Truth is overrated..but then again, EVERYTHING'S overrated! because we over rate. and if we don't...well, then it looses the importance and it doesn't matter anyway, so why bother with it. so, now i got a lesson in truth. i understand what i have to do, in order to have clear mind and peacefull soul...but what makes me sad is, that people around me like too often point fingers, because they are either hurt or unhappy or unsure. i decided i'm over with that. pointing fingers is for the weak. because it is so much easier, than to be quiet and process what the experience brought to you.
i was thinking what means being humble, where is the line when one should bend its head and not be potentiously proud, and where one should simply stand behind its own words and not let anything or anyone pass them. it is hard to be humble. but it is so much more rewarding what you get when you don't get your ego fight with another persons ego.
i have seen this game so many times in the last few weeks that i got simply fed up with this battle and i can not take it anymore. i find it repulsive and not worthy of my time, therefore i step away rather than enter the game. and one important thing i have come up with is that i am many times too judgemental towards myself. too hard on everything i do. as if i am not supossed to make a single mistake, because poeple might find that mistake and show it in front of my face and leave me speachless. but i know i am not in any way perfect and yet i am the most perfect as i can be, because there is no better me, than me. it is who i am, and through time i will change and step forward and nothing will be as it is here and now, because it can not be. and what is here and now, won't even matter then. because when i screw up something now, i will know better next time so nothing can be the same as it is. from every moment we are perfect. and things are as they are.
and last, but certainly not least...i understand one important thing at this moment. i need to be alone now. i need to explore, i need to rejoyce this miracle that was given to me and it's called life. i need to grow and seek, and discover and cry and laugh and be silent and sing. and i need my lungs and my head to be clear for all that, because i believe it is how i can get the most of it all. the potential that is still captured in me, needs to be opened by myself.thank you.
