must be the music

finding joy in moments is the only thing that gets me going on and preventing me from having a breakdown. i feel like shit, but i chose to survive.


it must be the music that's making me uplift my spirit...thank god for the music!

anger, jealousy and fear...

dear readers...today i want you to expect rather different post than usual. i am obviously angry. why i say obviously...cause tonight whilst cruising around the city with my friendz i was constantly having moments of selfpity and me-being-angry-at-all-men. good thing i have friendz that understand me and support me, otherwise i really have no idea where would i end.
in these past weeks i am dealing with an unknown feeling inside me, and it's called jealousy. unknown to me...cause i've never felt it before and to be honest i have no idea how to handle it, no idea. i really don't want to end up like some crazy woman at her 30's all neurotic and distrustfull...so for now i'm kind of trying to just convince myself with pure sanity and rational mind that i'm being silly and i should really stop having these feelings inside, otherwise i'll end up nowhere. but being honest, it's only a short term solution, they keep coming back.
and the part where i get angry is, where i can not understand how can i not be strong enough to stop loving a person, while the person already according to him dealt with these emotions and feelings and is now liberated from me...well, at least according to him. and today whilst walking home in the middle of the night, i started thinking and came to the solution that it was maybe me, who thought this person to 'take it easy' and go easy on your life and situations. and now, i'm the one suffering. how ironic is that?? i don't know who am i angry at? myself? why?

i got this flower from my family on the day of my graduation. it was all shiny and beautiful standing on my kitchen table. the dayz passed by, and for me everyday brought something new and something bad (i really had a rough week). at least that's the way i saw it. and today was the day of my grandmothers funeral. and when i returned home, i found my beautiful flower without almost any flower on it. they all fell down on the table as if they would know what kind of a day was today. at least that's the way i saw it and that's how i thought within myself when i got home.
but then my sister came to visit me. and she was also at the funeral of course. but when i told her what happened to the flower, she laughed and didn't see any ''symbolism'' in the situation. for her it was just an ordinary act of nature. of course flowers die eventually if they are cut.
that's when i started to think. how great it is for us, to be able to change situations. because nowhere is written how am i supossed to feel when my flower dies, i get to choose it by myself. and i chosed to be sad, when my sister just reacted differently. it's a choice we always have, we just sometimes think we don't and we forget WE ourselves are the actors and the makers.
naturally the strenght within us has to be filled from somewhere, and we all are feeling lost and down sometimes, but seeing oportunities to change in situations like the one i described up, that's the right thing to do. at least i see it like that.

i've thought about this kind of ''symbolism'' and how everything is a sign long time ago when i broke up with my boyfriend. but with time i realised as i was getting up to my feet, that it is ONLY me that gives the meanning to this situations, because in that time i was still emotionally attached to him. because after a while i didn't see those so called ''signs'' anymore.

and as it goes for my flower...next time i hope i get one in the pot.

teachers of life

so...here iam, the newly born educated, graduated intelectual.... and where's all the fireworks and ethusiasm?!? long gone...died the next day... okay, i admit it does feel damn nice when i can sign myself as graduated landscape architect...but as it seems therewill be no opportunity to do so for a while obviously. what am i talking about? about my so called job, which i thought i had. it looks like, life has prepared a new ride for me to go on to. having no idea where it will take me and having no guarantee if i'll make it out alive and with no wounds.
but as i always say...in this life of mine i wanna be the creator so i'll fight and create no matter what it will take me. there is no safety line that i can hold on to so all i can do is to feel confident, take one step at the time and not lose faith and will. as one great mind said...great mindz discuss ideas, average mindz discuss events, poor mindz discuss people..so, let's discuss some ideas and move forward.
cause all we have is here and now, the past is already gone we can not change it, but we can make our future. today i am gratefull.

i am gratefull for having this really special person in my life. she has given me so much, probably not even knowing and i know i still have a lot tolearn from her. she is what i never thought i'll have..my spiritual teacher. so today i thank the universe for sending her in my life to give me strength and guidance.

to give is to recieve...

in and out, but always forward....

i've never believed that simple breathing excercise could change my life, but it did. well, not changed it drastically, but it does have an effect over persons mind and general state of health i think. but when you look at it a little deeper, it is logical...breathing is the esential movement of our being. if you cut away everything, every thought that comes to your mind, every feeling that's inside you, every physical condition be it bad or good...what's left is your breathing. that's the essential you. and by going to that place, you are present in the moment.

i understand why a lot of people reccomend trying to get in the present moment, because only there it is what it is, everything else is meere ilusion of something that has already been or is yet to come...and there is absolutely no possible way of how you can change that. the only truth is here and now. i know, i know...you've heard it million times...but did you really get it!?

i think one of the most important things that i've learned in past few years is that in my life I myself am the creator of my life and not a victim of different situations. by knowing that i no longer suffer because i feel helpless and fragile, but i try to find the path that will lead me on, and teach me a lesson from past situations. why waste time in crying over the good and bad times that are already gone, rather than that i create new situations and evolve. it is simple, we just don't believe it's that simple so we don't see it that way.

breathe...

oh, this silence without you

change is the only permanent thing in our lives. the one who's afraid of change is probably afraid of loss. if one is aware that everything is as it's supossed to be, no change will scare him, because he will understand that it's just the way it goes. and once we accept that fact, we also see things and people differently. we no longer are afraid of losing someone. therefore we have to understand that by changing we always atract those people that are in the same state as we are, we are in harmony, with same vibration.

the hardest thing is to really understand that with your heart. we all can talk about things, situations and people until we are actually inside that situation. for me this is the real test if you truly understand what that means.
and as for me, i know it's damn hard for someone who had just for instance broke up with his partner to understand that he or she has to let go, cause it has come the time when one has learned what he came into this relationship to learn and has to move on. and when you cry in the pillow at night, how on earth can you think about letting go, when all you feel is pain and sadness.

i guess that means that the person is not mature enough to reach that level, or is it because right at this point that exact situation gave him the oportunity to learn about changing, unconditional love and acceptance.

whatever it is...i'm learning.

i'm in food mood

i've been watching some scary movies this weekend. and i don't mean scary because of the vampires and killers and imaginary killer dolls..but because of the real killer machines called food industry. i found my food disgusting that day and didn't really have any apetite.

but i have to eat eventually right, because of that kind of movies i get worried what to eat and where to buy food. in a way i'm luck not living in USA, cause Europe is at least for now little kinder to it's consuming population, but nobody can guarantie us, that in a couple of years our crops won't be owned by Monsanto or some other Monsanto-like corporation. nobody can guarantie me, that the chicken i'll buy will not be grown in closed tube-like house without windows where thatpoor chicken will never see a sun ray. not that it matters to the chicken whether it sees the sun or not...but it's natural.

i don't know what to think about my future, how to prevent my food to be genetically modified or my meat to contain bacterias or antibiotics or i don't know what kind of wierd unnatural stuff, without me being aware of it and being able at least to have a choice. i am willing to pay more for the food that is less 'contaminated' that's my choice. but it is totally absurd that the more the food is modified, cheaper it is! i don't want an apple that will make me sick with some virus or bacteria, even if it costs one third of an bio apple.

i'm not sure what my post is going to be about. but i felt the urge to say something, not just because i haven't done so in a quite some time now, but also because i want to move forward and somehow i've always done it with the help of writting my thoughts down on a paper or a blank page on the computer. anyways i've read that e-paper is coming and it's gona be cheaper than oldschool paper so i guess in two years or so i'll be literally able to say that i'm writting my thoughts down on the computer, cause at the moment i'm not writting but typing them. so...what is on my mind you wanna know? well, if you don't i certainly do. many things, many things. yesterday my father asked me a simple question. he asked me what i wanna do in my life and that everyone has a mission, a purpose..what is mine. he tried to convince me that everyone's purpose should be to make a big family, but i didn't agree. but than i started to think WHAT is my purpose then, what i wanna do in my life for real? i've heard so many stories from people i know, from people i don't know about how a person is happy if his job is something that he loves to do. and here i kind of stopped. because i don't think that all...i mean i love my job, i wouldn't change it but i somehow feel that maybe this is something i don't want to do my whole life.

this may sound little strange as i've already had some friends looking at me wierd, but i want to help people find themselves, i want to tell them life is the only thing they've got and they have to live it here and now. i don't know what qualifies a person to give advice about that sort of stuff, but i think if i with my positive energy feel that i have something to give to others and i want to give it..that is a great start and i'm fully qualified to act. i'm usually not a person that goes around giving 'smart' advices to people if they don't ask me for it, but i know a lot of people likes to be around me, cause i always try to be positive and even when i'm not, i'm aware that being depressed and without energy is not exactly something to hold on to, but it's better to try to solve the situation and get out of it as soon as possible.
so, i'm receving these emails from various people that succeded in their life by living according to certain methods, ideas, philosophy. but they all come together at one point...your thoughts are what you are, consequently if you think bad, pesimistic and sad thoughts that is how you are projected on the outside and of course on the contrary nice, optimistic and happy thoughts result positive people. of course it is impossible always to be high on life as i say, but the important part is to recognize your true self and expand it to the fullest potential possible.

so, these are my dreams..and dreams are there to be dreamt and to sometimes come true. but it's better to have a dream that maybe doesn't come true than to not have anything to dream about.

what is little L...

To experience love, we must go inside. When you experience real love you get into a state which is beyond words. You are filled with a joy that goes beyond all emotions. True love is the love of the inner Self. - Swami Muktananda

soleeeee mio

i'm back from London. and the first thing that i realised whilst my journey is that i need sun and sea and mediterrain. it's where i wanna go and where i feel the best. i got this crazy idea in my head that i will buy a small land somewhere down there by the seaside and maybe one day build a mini wekend house. that would be really great!

and the summer is coming, i'm feeling it now that i'm back, because there in London the weather is nothing but pleasant i must say. i guess it's just not my thing. i was always more of a sunny and warm person.

pasta, mare, sole...to je to! =)

circles of life

as every year for the past few years, i'm travelling again. it's a thing that i must do at least once per year. and it doesn't matter how far it is, as long as it's over the borders of my country. not that i don't like my country.. i love it! but we have to migrate in order to grow, to develop, see the world. i need it and i'm happy that i can afford it, so far so good.

this time i'm of to London. i know, i know... how come i've never been there? well, i haven't..i've had other interests, but this time, Bojana is living there so i have the perfect chance to visit her and Jure and experience London for 10 days. and this time i'm travelling with Aleš. that's gonna be an interesting experience. i've never traveled with a boyfriend before, only my friends. and i think it's great that we're going together, cause i kind of got used to having him around and i wanna see if being together 24/7 for 10 days will bring us a new dimension in our relationship.

just a couple of moments ago i had an intersting conversation with my dad. i'm not sure, but it was one of our best talks in years. we actually did not end arguing and screaming over each other. i'm still in shock!=)

anyways, i have some packing to do...tata!

dor que mim ensina

năo sei porque, mas cada vez que eu me ouço lingua portuguesa ou um som brasileiro...mim faz feliz ou melhore pelo menos. pode ser que o vibraçăo do essa lingua ou esse povo ta magica...

tou sentido muito mal por caso da minha costa. mim ta doendo tanto e eu năo posso fazer nada. nem dormir, sentar, andar...se eu năo uso medicina é todo sem nenhum efeito. so musica brasileira ta mim melhorando o minha situaçăo.

i know i should try to ignore the pain and think happy thoughts, but with all this pain it's hard. it's bringging me down. i hope it gets better soon, cause we're supossed to have roda for Simon's birthday party! viva a musica!

wait or live

that's the way i like it...all sunny and positive! and with one eye i'm always searching what might be wrong with this picture, cause it can't be all that perfect right..there must be a system error somewhere, we just didn't find it yet ;) ehehe!
but despite all this suspicion that's the way it should be and the way i deserve it. and i don't wanna wait in vein for my life...i wanna live it.

ommmmađijaj me....

how empty do we feel once we finish doing something that was hanging upon us for long time. not completed, but empty. no matter the nature of the subject that was there. it's because it was always somewhere there, in the darkest corner of our head...always ticking, scratching, itching...and suddenly it's gone.

my life is changing so much. i am so happy. and so calm. and so excited. and worried also. because i just can not believe that all this great things are really here around me, happening to me, to me you know... the funny, strange, special me. i know i'm an expert in idealising people and situations...but it's different now. cause it's kina real..and i'm aware it's not hundred percent perfect, cause it can't be... but the general picture is! the details are always little twisted, but the general picture is a masterpiece...a masterpiece of the life i'm creating everyday with my own hands and head!

i've read and article about stress this morning, it was kinda educating, meanning that it explained and gave me new point of view of the word stress. my job is very stressful. and as i've read this article the most important thing is that stress depends on the point of view you're taking. it can also be stress with positive effects.

but when you are in a situation that you find stressful, it is hard to remember and practice what you read. at least i've come to this point in my life. so i took 10 minutes of my time to write this post and try to figure out what is really the situation about, and can it be turned into a positive one. let's say it can...

dear reader...if you are actually digesting my wierd posts, i would like to remind you, that you probably can find something better to do. but if you insist, i hope you gain at least a tiny glimpse of knowledge, pleasure, joy, fun or anything else worth remembering from my posts. it's funny though, cause i don't actually know who am i writting this blog for. is it for myself, as i substituted my very personal diary with publishing online, or is it for some unknown reader out there, that i want to adress. i guess it's for the both, as i've always been sort of extroverted. and also because of the nature of today's lifestyle. i don't find it so wierd if i publish my thoughts here, although it is so very personal sometimes that even my closest friends don't know about. but i guess it's easier sometimes to just send a paragraph of your deepest thoughts out to the unknown world as to methaporically get rid of them. you know what i mean..?...



anyways, today's message was nothing special, i'm just enjoying the late night hours which i haven't done for some time now, since i started to work regularly. the sweet essence of the night's silence and peace.....how beautiful.

ground zero

.... i already wrote half of the post, but then i deleted it. it was about my health and my bad juju. and then i decided to erase it, cause i don't like to see, hear or even smell bad energy around me. okay, i know we should not live in denial, but thinking about it all the time won't make it better either.

so i decided it's time to take action...and do something about it. what? i still don't know, but i'll start by cleanning my room...and i mean cleanning in several ways, to get rid of all the unnecesary stuff that's lying around and oppening channels of good energy to start flowing again.

let's jam....starting from zero

personal achievements

i was really proud of myself today. there had been several situations that demanded my reaction and i handled them quite good i'd say. the thing is that i'm trying to practice a new phylosophy in my life, new approach more oppened and freeing as to say. and definetly sticking up for myself what i often lack of. i am content with my progress and with some of the conclusions that i came up with today.
1. i am emotionaly quite rehabilitated from my bad experience in the past (and what i learned in theory, i now use in practice)
2. i see progress in saying what i think
3. i am on a good way to analysing my emotions and properly handling them.

it was a hard day, but it ended to be the first day of the rest of my life which i'm looking forward to.

satis-fiction

i'm jammin' ...

i live in a capsule of my own reality. here i feel safe and i can express myself. i don't know if i conciously try to stay here and refuse to accept the common reality as my own but i don't see why should i enter in a world i don't wanna accept. i mean, i do know what is going on around me, i understand how things flow and that not everything is nice and comfortable, but does that oblige me to accept that rules and live by them. i think not!

i am hurt and disapointed lots and lots of times due to this naive and innocent world of mine, but better to crush a couple of times than to lose yourself and surrender into some wierd, unexplainable and cruel world. my dad is always giving me advice and challenging me to face unpleasant situations saying that this is how i shall learn to confront the world out there. i understand him in a way, but i also want to stay true to myself, my ideas.

well, that's what i wanted to say, i'm happy where i am.

super duper sonična jaz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojs5R3enDjc

i'm supersonic!

back to life, back to 3D

yesterday night i was out, you know socialising in a good old way, not through some social network on the internet or anything. i was actually physicaly there, moving my hands, feet and mouth. and it so happened that i ran to some of old schoolmates way back from primary school. i would have probably not even recognise them if i wouldn't be madly in love with one of them in my 8th garde..heheh! anyways, but that was not the thing i wanted to say, what i was gona talk about is..that today when i was thinking about our conversation it seemed to me that whaever we've said someone mentioned fuc*** facebook. ''oh, is it really you? i probably wouldn't recognise you, if i wouldn't see you on facebook.'' or ''yeah, we should totally have a reunion, it would be fun. we can gather peoples contacts on facebook.''
and stuff like that...and i was always repeating...uhmmm, yeah well i DON'T have a facebook profile anymore dude. and they would all look at me as if i had fallen from another planet. and again i'm an outcast...as i kinda always was, always trying to reach somewhere noone did before, looking for new interesting things and so on. i was probably one of the earliest people who've had FB, because on the beggining i even didn't talk about it, cause i thought people have enough to do with old fashioned myspace which i also banned long time ago. but it started to spread and spread and suddenly almost everyone had a profile..well, almost everyone, Špela didn't! and i'm kinda proud of her.

and then it also happens that someone banned and cracked one of my groups i've made there. dunno what happened when i left FB, but people are telling me that someone abused my group and turned it into something i've never wanted it to be. that's totally wicked, rude and unpolite and after hearing that i was all upset.

anyways....what kind of phenomena is it? none of the other social networks had such an impacton majority. well, except maybe Orkut in Brasilian population and the ones that have some friends from Brasil. but Orkut is somehow not so appealing. i would say it's their lousy design. i personally don't like my orkut profile how it looks. dunno...
but it's freaky don't ya think? well what am i asking you for..if you're reading my blog, you're probably a FB user too.

twilight zone....

heh, i had a funny idea about today's post. thank ggod not all of my post are boring and serious and need an inteligent reader to figure them out. sometimes i admit even i don't understand them on the end anymore.khm, well..back to the today's funny post.

anyways, i hope i will not insult anyone, keep in mind i was also one of the people that tried it.
what am i talking about? internet dating and friendship.


it's just that i'm a very opened person and for me it's a delight if i find a person i feel pleasure talking to. no matter the way of my comunication. and so it happened tome, that in my early years as a internet user, of course i had to try on-line dating. but it wasn't that i was looking for the love of my life on-line, no i was meeting people in chat rooms, forums and stuff. and since they were really funny and smart i thought..oh what the hell, let's do this. well, it was only like 3 times or so, but none of the meetings turned out as i imagined. of course not! cause you can't just imagine something to turn out...hehehe!
nevertheless, i'm still a good friend with one of the people i've met like this and we share common interest in acting and performance.



i was kinda always seeing myself as if i'm different from those that do on-line dating regularly or at least more than 3 times. but am i? i don't know exactly what would make me different, but on the other hand i am different. cause i certainly had more relatonships that started right ahead in the real world without any intervention of the virtual world. we definetly need to socialise. and that's why i decided one day that i'll ban my facebook profile. cause i thought to myself....what the f*** do i need FB for if i have the people that i love around me. sure i don't deny i wasn't happy to find all the long lost people i once knew, but in reality, what do i gain if i add them as my friends? let me tell you, absolutely nothing.

p.s. my on-line datig history goes way back before FB even existed, just for the record.


it seems, i'm kinda captured between two worlds that both attract me but i always have to remind myself which one counts more in life. because no matter what, people always pretend in this or that way and computers give us perfect chance. but me as always, somehow believe people are good and there is no need to pretend in front of someone you don't even know, right? right!

who is you, what am i?

don't let your life pass you by. it is very, very important to know one thing in life. that noone can make you happy. if you want happines look inside yourself. and when you find it, spread it. and you'll learn to accept responsiblity for your own life. and then you'll stop obsesively look for your other half, or someone to make you happy, and only then you shall be prepared for a relationship.

i'm reading this book, it's about heroin addict and his path towards salvation. and i now am starting to understand, how being a human is not an easy task for some people. well, i knew that before, but i didn't know someone can get so lost. and i don't mean in using drugs and all...that's only helping them to get even more lost, but that someone can fel so empty and lost inside, not knowing who he is. it is terrible and i'm really happy i'm as i am.

but on the other hand there's the second part of the book, that shows you also the other side and what it means to get yourself out of there and build yourself again into a strong, kind, loving, real human. and i respect that more than anything. because by looking at those kinda people that made it, it makes me reflect my own mistakes, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. and makes me think about what kind of person i am. and i know there are many things i could change and i have no right in judging anyone, anywhere because i am certainly not perfect and nor is anyone. best thing is just to try our best in being good.

bow to the rain.... rain bow

there are ups and downs. i know that and everybody knows that, but still we are so worried if such a day comes when we simplydon't know what has gotten into us, why do we feel bad, or sad or simply without a will to get up in the morning.i can't explain why it comes to this but it happens to everybody. even to people like me and other rainbow folks...we do have rainy days when we need some sunny support from others. we are humans afterall. i learned to analise such states of mine. i simply go through the current situation and try to figure what could be the cause of it. sometimes i get to a conclusion, and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel better afterwards, and sometimes i don't. there are times when i feel from deep inside that i don't want to solve the current state but it's a dangerous thing, because quickly i fall into this self pity state. terrible i tell you! but soon i realise this is not the way to get back into my shape and i actually start to annoy myself, so then i get tired of being in a wierd bad mood, and i seek to find little sunray that picks me up and takes me on into the world of rainbows.
that's how it is, it's called life and there's nothing we can do against it. the best thing is to accpet it and live with it...hahaha!

gutten nacht my little rainbow

p.s. this post is for my rainbow, she knows who she is ***

go go go

i got this feeling again... i have to move somewhere. travelling is the ultimate answer.