must be the music

finding joy in moments is the only thing that gets me going on and preventing me from having a breakdown. i feel like shit, but i chose to survive.


it must be the music that's making me uplift my spirit...thank god for the music!

anger, jealousy and fear...

dear readers...today i want you to expect rather different post than usual. i am obviously angry. why i say obviously...cause tonight whilst cruising around the city with my friendz i was constantly having moments of selfpity and me-being-angry-at-all-men. good thing i have friendz that understand me and support me, otherwise i really have no idea where would i end.
in these past weeks i am dealing with an unknown feeling inside me, and it's called jealousy. unknown to me...cause i've never felt it before and to be honest i have no idea how to handle it, no idea. i really don't want to end up like some crazy woman at her 30's all neurotic and distrustfull...so for now i'm kind of trying to just convince myself with pure sanity and rational mind that i'm being silly and i should really stop having these feelings inside, otherwise i'll end up nowhere. but being honest, it's only a short term solution, they keep coming back.
and the part where i get angry is, where i can not understand how can i not be strong enough to stop loving a person, while the person already according to him dealt with these emotions and feelings and is now liberated from me...well, at least according to him. and today whilst walking home in the middle of the night, i started thinking and came to the solution that it was maybe me, who thought this person to 'take it easy' and go easy on your life and situations. and now, i'm the one suffering. how ironic is that?? i don't know who am i angry at? myself? why?

i got this flower from my family on the day of my graduation. it was all shiny and beautiful standing on my kitchen table. the dayz passed by, and for me everyday brought something new and something bad (i really had a rough week). at least that's the way i saw it. and today was the day of my grandmothers funeral. and when i returned home, i found my beautiful flower without almost any flower on it. they all fell down on the table as if they would know what kind of a day was today. at least that's the way i saw it and that's how i thought within myself when i got home.
but then my sister came to visit me. and she was also at the funeral of course. but when i told her what happened to the flower, she laughed and didn't see any ''symbolism'' in the situation. for her it was just an ordinary act of nature. of course flowers die eventually if they are cut.
that's when i started to think. how great it is for us, to be able to change situations. because nowhere is written how am i supossed to feel when my flower dies, i get to choose it by myself. and i chosed to be sad, when my sister just reacted differently. it's a choice we always have, we just sometimes think we don't and we forget WE ourselves are the actors and the makers.
naturally the strenght within us has to be filled from somewhere, and we all are feeling lost and down sometimes, but seeing oportunities to change in situations like the one i described up, that's the right thing to do. at least i see it like that.

i've thought about this kind of ''symbolism'' and how everything is a sign long time ago when i broke up with my boyfriend. but with time i realised as i was getting up to my feet, that it is ONLY me that gives the meanning to this situations, because in that time i was still emotionally attached to him. because after a while i didn't see those so called ''signs'' anymore.

and as it goes for my flower...next time i hope i get one in the pot.

teachers of life

so...here iam, the newly born educated, graduated intelectual.... and where's all the fireworks and ethusiasm?!? long gone...died the next day... okay, i admit it does feel damn nice when i can sign myself as graduated landscape architect...but as it seems therewill be no opportunity to do so for a while obviously. what am i talking about? about my so called job, which i thought i had. it looks like, life has prepared a new ride for me to go on to. having no idea where it will take me and having no guarantee if i'll make it out alive and with no wounds.
but as i always say...in this life of mine i wanna be the creator so i'll fight and create no matter what it will take me. there is no safety line that i can hold on to so all i can do is to feel confident, take one step at the time and not lose faith and will. as one great mind said...great mindz discuss ideas, average mindz discuss events, poor mindz discuss people..so, let's discuss some ideas and move forward.
cause all we have is here and now, the past is already gone we can not change it, but we can make our future. today i am gratefull.

i am gratefull for having this really special person in my life. she has given me so much, probably not even knowing and i know i still have a lot tolearn from her. she is what i never thought i'll have..my spiritual teacher. so today i thank the universe for sending her in my life to give me strength and guidance.

to give is to recieve...

in and out, but always forward....

i've never believed that simple breathing excercise could change my life, but it did. well, not changed it drastically, but it does have an effect over persons mind and general state of health i think. but when you look at it a little deeper, it is logical...breathing is the esential movement of our being. if you cut away everything, every thought that comes to your mind, every feeling that's inside you, every physical condition be it bad or good...what's left is your breathing. that's the essential you. and by going to that place, you are present in the moment.

i understand why a lot of people reccomend trying to get in the present moment, because only there it is what it is, everything else is meere ilusion of something that has already been or is yet to come...and there is absolutely no possible way of how you can change that. the only truth is here and now. i know, i know...you've heard it million times...but did you really get it!?

i think one of the most important things that i've learned in past few years is that in my life I myself am the creator of my life and not a victim of different situations. by knowing that i no longer suffer because i feel helpless and fragile, but i try to find the path that will lead me on, and teach me a lesson from past situations. why waste time in crying over the good and bad times that are already gone, rather than that i create new situations and evolve. it is simple, we just don't believe it's that simple so we don't see it that way.

breathe...