you know that ŠAMAR roka i was talking about some posts back..well, i could really use it right now. but on the other hand i don't exactly know what the fcuk am i feeling inside, which kinda scares me a little. not knowing thyself! who else can if i can't?!
i feel this strange apathic emptiness i've never felt before. pure nothing. actually it's a blessing not feel anything, but also a new dimension that i don't know exactly how to handle. i guess it's too wast for me and i've lost the coordinates.
but if i wasn't searching for anything how can i then get lost? does it mean i'm not even lost? which is good, not being lost...actually meaning then being free?? am i free? is this the feeling of letting go of everything that i've been holding on until now.
today i really find my blog stinky. but in a way that's good. because the way i see it it means that i've changed since i wrote previous posts...and change is good and change is normal and sometimes, just once in a while i wanna be normal. yeah, maybe today i'll try to be normal? ...naaaah! =)
it is funny...and how true it is the saying that change is the only constant thing in our lives. we change all the time, this blog is pure evidence of it. in one post i claim our ability to think is a curse and in the next i praise it. of course my mental state is the source of it all. in the past few days i'm having these interesting almost a bit freaky thoughts running through my mind. my friends say i'm just making a clearance in my mind, kind of like a big spring cleanning. and i say, thank you it's going on only in my head otherwise the main character of my thoughts would get damn hurt. so, what are these thoughts? i'm beating the hell out of my ex-boyfriend. many of you know i train capoeira so in my mind i'm doing capoeira with him and i'm doing it really hardcore and thanks to ability to control my own thoughts i can make him weak, because in real life he would probably beat the hell out of me. so what! here i am the master of disaster and it feels damn good! i am not a violent person at all that's why i said that the thoughts are freaky, but as long as they are only thoughts i think it's okay. the only thing that bothers me with that is, that hate and jealousy are one of the lowest kinds of feeling and since i consider myself somehow emotional inteligent person i do not like what i'm feeling. but on the other hand i just try to accept what i feel and let it go through...as this is supossed to be a 'normal' procedure in my shituation.
couple of weeks ago my ex-ex boyfriend visited me and told me he wishes i would stop suffering over this guy, because i am a nice and good person and he doesn't like to see me like this. i so much want to be over him already, but i told him it is so hard for me and that i don't know how. he kind of wanted to give me some friendly advice...but on the end before i fell asleep i realised that he is also suffering, and as much as i wanted his words and advices to be true and easy to follow, i felt he feels the same pain as i do. but i'm glad we got together after three years, since now i can be friends with him again. i guess it gives me hope that one day maybe it will be the same with this ex-boyfriend.
