i'm floating. even though it sure doesn't feel like summer, my inner calendar is in tha mood! you know what i mean, i guess unconscious memories of the past summer has awaken my mind and is telling me, now is the time to burst, to fill yourself with all that lost energy you were missing during the winter and in the sad spring. i just kinda lost track of time...i am sucessfully doing it by not taking anything too seriously and just trying not to worry about anything.
the only thing i' wish for right now is a touch. pure, gentle, curious, silent and loving touch of a man. just so to make my senses burst and to open them again. i realised i am still quite wrapped up into bubble of fear to get hurt again and i really want to get rid of that feeling inside me.
have i mentioned i fu*** love London!? i guess i did. but i guess it's not just London, i think i'm back, the real me. and i would feel good anywhere else i were, except my home that is. i needed to come here and now i just need to go back and take myself with me. it's so simple really, being yourself once you feel it. and all you really have to do is exactly that, feel yourself.
there is just one thing i'm still having trouble with though...it's the peoples thing. sometimes it's so damn hard to figure out what are they thinking or what do they want. and i don't mean in a way that i'm trying to figure out how to make people like me or give them what i want, but how to get from them what i want or better said...how to synchronize the both sides and get a positive result. i'm trying to hard. the thing that i'm dealing with right now is until where do i go and push my desires and still not invade into others person intimacy and make him/her feel uncomfortable.
i've always thought of myself as peoples person but at the same time i was also bad judge of characters in other words naive and always believed people are good. now, i just don't know what to think about people anymore. but it's probably for the best to let them pass you and stay focused on yourself and they will come by themselves if they'll want to and if it's meant to be...or something. and i guess that's exactly what i'm experiencing now too...in these past two weeks a lot of people said to me what a great energy i have and surprisingly i have had a couple of flirts too. the thing is that everything happened really spontaneously and the minute i started trying for something to happen, it all went down.
it's amazing, truly amazing i tell you. i'm often skeptic about these subtle changes or signs that lead us through our life, but i think i really should give them higher importance. anyways, i'm grateful for everything that's happening and that i am learning. step by step...everyday is the first day of the rest of our lives.
funny thing, attachment. really annoying sometimes. i was just going to sleep, did all my usual meditation and all..but couldn't shut my thoughts. and i had to write it down, as i know this always makes me feel better, if not better at least lighter and with clearer vision. i've read something about our passions today, our passions that makes our life worth living and when we're in order with our own passions everything evolves so much easier. and then i've realized i'm probably not fully living within my passions. can't say really that i'm completely out of order, but i know there is more to it than the point i'm at right now, i can feel there is something behind but just can't seem to jump high enough to see it and go there.
being in London away from my 'real' life was a bless for me. to go away from all the attachments and just breathe fully without being worried what's gonna happen around the next corner, who is going to make my day in either good or bad way. and there were certainly more bad days in past months, than good ones. so, then i come here and liberate myself...you know what i'm always saying liberdade dentro da cabeca...and i mean that in many ways. but first thing is to liberate yourself from all the things that are preventing you to live to you fullest.
i'm often thinking about my attachment to my group. and others attachment to it. and i can't decide whether it is bad or good to be very much involved and attached to something in that way. but the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that it is probably harder to go away from something like that, than to stay there. and i'm not saying that only because i've left in a way, but i am experiencing all this identity crysis at the same time that my ego ius performing to me. i mean in a way, saying to me...oh, you can't leave, you have a responsibility and you have a reputation in this group and the group will not be the same without you. which is all true from one side...but there is also the other side, where i'm currently standing and that's the side where i am noone and nobody, and i don't need a group to identify me and to give value to who i am, because all that is not important and it only distracts me. and if i am not getting positive vibes from that direction then it is surely better for me to stay where i'm now.
i know for certain that not anyone could do what i did. some people need to be identified by others, they need to be surrounded with other people because they have a certain role and they know how to behave. if they are left alone, they get scared, not knowing who they truly are. and i think everybody is afraid of that, but some deal with it, some don't. as for me i am certainly dealing with myself and no matter how hard it is at moments, i know for me this is a win win situation, because on the end it is me who shall prosper.
so, as i was saying at the beginning, attachment and detachment...not just to the group...but to people, things, places...it's a big step to go from one to another. i am not quite mastering it, but then again it is the path that matters not the goal. live, learn, love... goodbye and thanks for all the roses!
they say he who seeks, he shall find....and how true that is. the great thing about this is, that if you're open enough you can find so many things you would never even imagine while searching for something completely different. well, i think it's magical. and magic is stuff that wasn't made boring by science i've read one day whilst passing camden market. hehehe, and how true. i am re-discovering myself, passions, happiness, sun, rainbow...everything around me seems to be in order. well, i know it's stupid to say that, because of course everything IS in order, for there is no other way.yesterday i was at capoeira class with mestre Axe. he is also a student of mestre No, just like my mestre. and i've enjoyed the trainning so much. i was smilling all the time. this is what makes me happy, makes me alive, makes me in touch with myself. it is only now that i am here that i've realised what i was missing and not even knowing. well, i knew what i had once, but i kind of just couldn't remember the feeling how was it before. before all the shit started to happen. i am still sad because some people don't seem to have any respect, but i am so happy that at least i got my capoeira back. i am gratefull, very gratefull. and that is exactly the thing i was talking about before, we find things we weren't even searching for. because i surely didn't come to London to do capoeira, but then i met Wilson and it all spontaneously led me to the capoeira class. thank you!i don't know if it's because i'm all high on painkillers, but i am feeling so overwhelemed. so gratefull and happy and calm. there is nothing at this moment that could take away how i am feeling.
