me and the outside

have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.

and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.

but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.