full tank / thankful

despite the fact, i already recognized and dealt with numerous behaviouristic patterns from my past, there is always this subconscious fear of not being able to recognize them if they in some cases come back. and there is this chance if you recognize them, that you won't act against them but again fall on the same track. that's the worst, if you ask me. you all know that expression ''been there, done that''. today i'm there where i've already been and i don't like it. i can't help myself if i spontaneously react the same to certain situations as i did 4 years ago. i can't and won't pretend that i'm okay if i'm not. and since my recent decision of being on a selftest of my own truth, denying true feelings woud be sabotage of my own decisions. so here i am, all in a hormone imbalance, tired, stressed...and dealing with some past feelings i thought i already got over. well, it's not so bad. i won't consider suicide or anything don't worry...i'm just thinking and analysing myself, and i easier do it by writting than in my fuzzy head. so, as i said...having no expectations is a very tough thing to do. at least for me. i don't know about other people but then again, other people don't matter. so, here we are...how other people don't matter if you have expectations, and reaching or failling that expectations makes you feel good or bad. so other people do matter? no, they don't. that's why it's so hard. because we have these roles, rules, patterns and customs implemented in us that we live by, because we were tought to do so...which in my opinion is not bad, because we weren't even aware of it. but once you wake up from this 'dream' we call our life, our truth...we are no longer satisfied with that. we no longer accept certain ways of thinking or living, because we eagerly want to find ourselves, our true and essential being. big words huh? well, i kinda hate it if people get judgemental on this kind of talks...i see it simply in a way that my vocabulary is slightly different from yours and we in a way can not communicate, because some think i'm full of shit or illusionary ideas that are nothing but a bunch of crap. but at the end of the day...does it matter? does it change anything in my world? actually no, i still believe in what i believe and you still are sleeping. everyone's happy. and the truth? well, the truth is there. so you see...others don't matter.

i'm not being nihilistic at all, i'm just trying to explain how i see it. being nihilistic would mean i was a pasive object, ignoring my surroundings and let everything just happen to me. but i try to be the active actor in making things arround me happen to me the way i want them, but at the same time knowing that nothing is so important that could make me go out of balance. that's the difference. and the point of it all. BALANCE. if you're either too much on one side or the other, you're gonna eventually get flipped on the other 'missing' half whether you like it or not.
because life is nothing personal, just balance. the energy has to be balanced in order for this world to remain. and that's all that there is to it, you see, nothing personal. giving importance to things, people and events, creates expectations, and that can create imbalance. and that's exactly what i did today. but because i love myself and i want nothing but to understand and accept things for what they are without giving them importance, i decided i forgive myself and again learned a lesson. i'm not perfect, but i'm thankful.