i wanted to write something a bit more positive today, since last posts were quite downturning. today way a good day. despite problems i have at work i managed to put that aside on my way home and enjoyed my ride. while i was waiting for my bus i was filling myself with sunrays that were pouring from the sky straight into my eyes and almost made me blind. but i didn't want to resist for they may be last bits of sun this year. i wanted to charge myself like a battery and save some of that energy for foggy and cold autumn days when they come. and of course thoughts were slidding in my head up and down, as usual...and one of those thoughts was about a girl i once hosted when she was couchsurfing in Ljubljana. i wanted to hear from here, since she recently moved to live here in Slovenia from Hungary. and what happened 5 minutes later...i pick my phone and she's calling me! and that was not the only event like that today, i've had at least two of a kind in the morning. and then i started thinking about that book i've read...about Transurfing. it's happening to me in many cases that i'm experiencing events and 'coincidences' ike this one...i just don't notice them. and the thoughts i linger on...they are fading away. exactly as he book is saying. and i'm not telling you that suddenly i believe every word of every book i read, but i certainly believe in what is happening to me everyday. where i find it hard to handle is the thoughts and feelings i can't get rid of and i hold on to. and i'm kinda hard on myself in that way. sometimes it's a curse if you know so much theory but you suck at practical part! and i fel that's exactly where i am now. i was already thinking if it's maybe a good idea that i just stop reading and don't think about all those books and movies and audio books i've listened to..and i realised i was a little scared by that thought, because i felt i would lose the guidance i think i need in order to understand the way things work and how to run my life. but just as i'm writting this i have come to a conclusion that i HAVE to stop for a while in order to introvert and start listening to myself and then create what i want, what i really want. to get my soul and mind into balance.
yesterday i was talking to someone i really care about. it made me think about my attachment to that person and all the things i've learned in the past year, about myself, about life, about other people. i don't see attachement as a bad thing, but the question is...how much attachement is TOO MUCH attachement you know? i don't know. it's tricky! i once thought i got it all under control when i was with a guy, but on the end i realised it was not so. i was completely crashed because he left. and i think i'm kinda afraid this might again happen when i won't be watching myself. i was observing my friend that was single longer than me, almost 3 years, and she enjoyed her single life which i totally support but i was always telling her, she should also not be afraid of letting someone close, because that's nothing bad. and now...i am in a way afraid of losing something i've worked hard for. but on the other hand...my freedom is something that can not be taken from me, unless i let it be taken. who i am, cannot be taken from me...because from what i have gone through in these 28 years, i've realised i am the only one that can handle me, that can comfort me, love me, hate me, judge me, care for me. sure it's great if you have someone next to you, but you can never expect someone else to carry your burden, live your life, dream your dreams and feel your happiness. and when i'll meet someone that will be able to share that kind of view and i will also be able to live with that in my mind next to someone i know our energies will merge into even greater one, but yet stay apart and let each other breath. but nevertheless....it's not about that anyway, i ain't searching because these things happen.
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