(a)head of time

i think we sometimes forget, we are all humans and we are so much alike, even if we try to be different from the others. i don't know if that is supossed to be comforting of discouriging. but what i've meant to say is that no matter what you may think of another human being on the first look..it may be so far away from the truth. i have come to a notion that everybody around me, has problems, has personal issues, family issues, problems with self confidence and i could just go on and on. on the end i'm no different from anyone i thought is sooo happy, or careless or smart or brave or confident. yeah i know, it's sad, that i am now feeling better, because i know everybody around is going through the same shit as i am...but i actually don't care. it just kinda helps me accept myself, i don't care about the others really. funny though how my friend told me today while talking on the phone that she can not believe how can i NOT be happy with my life, ME the always smilling, happy, careless me? and i really had a good laugh! in these past few days i'm starting to think i'm being too hard on myself. expecting too much from myself and then when i'm not achieving it, being dissapointed over myself. how stupid is that? so, i've decided i'm gonna start going easy on myself and let me do some slips here and there. i know i'm being too hasty many times, but it's how i am. i want things move fast when i get them into my head.


recently i'm having this feeling that time is running out for me. i don't know why, because i'm always the one that doesn't give a crap about age. and i'm not really worried about my personal age or anything, but about losing that sparkle i have inside and keeps me going on...i don't know why i'm afraid i'm gonna loose it in a couple of years and i'm gonna end up cranky and old, not achieving anything. and here we are again? achieving what? what does it mean that you've achieved something in your life? how do we measure achievement? can someone please tell me? again we are caught in this social boundaries, expectations and limits...and if you ask me...well, i think you already know my opinion. GET RID OF THAT ALREADY!! saying it to my friends, saying it to my family, and saying it to myself hundred times per day...but is it enough? does it really have an impact? i don't know, i hope so, i sincerely hope it does! because that is one of the key solutions to start getting back in touch with our inner guidance we all forgot about! inner guidance, remember it everytime you are making a decision. it knows all the answers already. i don't mean to insult anybody here, but people who believe in all sorts of gods..well, in my opinion they are just not willing to take responsibility for their lives. i know it is damn hard to be your own god, to listen to yourself..but as hard as it is at the beggining of that journey, the easier it is later on i think. because you know that you, yourself made a decision and now the consequences are fully under your responsibility, so suma sumarum YOU are the master of your life.


anyways, back to that lack of time issue i've started with in previous paragraph. my friend pointed out a very interesting fact when i told her how i feel. and i would agree with her on that. i am fully accepting the fact that we as a society are going through some major changes on an energy level. no matter if you are or not a spiritual person, everybody is saying that these are wierd and hard times. i have no intention of announcing some armaggedon or anything like that, but i know that something is changing, because i'm feeling it. so, my feeling of lack of time may be connected to this fact. i don't know, just a thought. but this thought makes me think what should i do now. what is my role here? i discussing theories on this subject? i believe we all should, as they say, ''walk the talk''.... but i have a feeling i'm not very good at it. i hope i do inspire people to become more open for new ideas, new ways of thinking, to allow the fact that current ways of lives we're living can be dramatically changed if we change our ways of thinking and living them more conscious....but then again, why should i be all about telling people what is going on inside me, what i think is good for us, for human race, how i think we should live...and i won't aks if you think i'm right or wrong, because the question is irrelevant. it's just about being intro or extro, that's what's confusing. i mean writing this blog for me started as strictly introverted act. and it basically still is, but all of a suden i realised that few people once in a while actually read this, and what i did...well, i guess i started reffering to them in my posts. wrong!? yes, from my point of view totally wrong. and deleting posts because people see themselves in my posts and don't like what they read...totally wrong again. thin line between intro and extro. i guess i can be totally introverted in my posts, but at the same time this blog is so extroverted that you can hardly get it more extroverted except if you're on a cover of a daily newspaper.


today my head is really full, i had no idea it was so full. haha, what does it even mean to have a full head? that yoou're possesed by ego? that you have a really large brain size? that your mind flow is so fast you can not keep a trace on the processes inside? i have no idea...but i know that when my head is too full, it's better for me to stop writting.