ego-dio-tism

lately i'm asking myself a question whether i became too insensitive to my surrounding. i seem not to care much about situations around me as i did before, and sometimes i'm surprised with what ease i am doin it, even if people i care about are involved. i mean it's logical to me, that i won't cry just because my friend is sad and she or he cries. but even inside me, i sometimes don't feel anything...like a compassion or sadness or anything similar. so talking to them can be seen as insensitive, careless adn strange. i would like to believe that this is a sign of being able to look at the situation from objective view and give objective and sensable opinion, but nothing more than that, since it is not my problem or situation. because i see that people a lot of times put theirselves into the situations that are not really theirs and try to suffer equally over the same thing as the other person. what's the point of that? the result is negative, since you have then two miserable people instead of only having one. but then the question arises, how much sensitivity is enough and when is it too little? i admit, i'm kinda avoiding conversations with people that i know have problems, because i simply don't want to waste my time with listening to problems of other people, i surely have some better things to do. of curse it's not always like that, but many times i'm so tired of same old, same old conversations we're having. i've became quite an egoist in a certain sense, and by that i mean that i'm egoistically choosing how and with who i'll spend my time. and i always choose good, positive and bright over the bad, sad and negative. because what i've realised is that we are always alone and we are masters of our time and our life. so why not pick only the best for yourself? you certainly deserve the best.

an interesting thing happened the other day. i've realised that i still have a thing that belonged to my ex and i wanted to return it to him, because i felt bad having it since it was his. so i've wrote him an email, asking him when can i deliver it to him. he then responded that he actually doesn't need it back because he kinda gave it to me, i didn't know that. anyways, then he invited me to have a coffee with him. and that's the funny part. why would i want to go for a coffee with a person i haven't seen or speak to for like half a year, made me go through some tough times and is today nowhere present in my life, except as a long lost memory. i was not upset or anything, i was just surprised. i didn't know how to reject him nicely, so i just thought ignoring the invite would be the most meanningful way to do it. and as much as i wanted for us to remain friends after he left me, i've realised he is not a kind of person i would want for a friend, because i know what i expect from my friends and he can't give that to me. and to drink coffee with him once in a while just doesn't seem necessary. yes, i admit it still hurts a bit too, since i've trusted him completely...but let's be honest, after all i've learned in the past year...trusting that guy would be a complete idiotism.