Saturday, 1 October 2011

con FUSION

i know that after every overwhelming and intense state of mind, there comes a time when you subconsciously react to all that over-potential. To that i would also add my fast living during the week, and we have to have something to stop us and makes us start breathing normally. Sometimes i am seriously tired of my 'consciousness' for it brings me rather a burden than freedom, but then again i guess that is then not the right type of consciousness or what. i am tired of constantly being aware of everything that is happening around me, about always thinking about it and analysing what am i suppose to think now, how am i to react and why. this mind is still so strong that it makes me tired. and i know that sometimes the best time to be really free is when you're simply too tired to do anything so you just automatically let go and 'voila' there you have it, your breakthrough moment. but so far it hasn't happen to me yet, well in smaller intervals, but no long term reaction. i am still to eager to GET IT, that i probably won't still get it for some time. but that's the fun part...get what??understand what?? sometimes i don't know anymore. i feel lost. sometimes i just rather not think about anything and hide in my cosy bed, doing nothing, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. i guess it's when i am kinda getting my balance back. why is it that when i write, it is all so clear to me, it is as if i understand the order of this universe. but then in my real life i sometimes feel like i've failed on my exam. yeah sure, the theory is easy, you read a couple of books, you watch some videos on you tube and resolve some issues in your life and then think you have it all, you're on top of the world, better than those people from your past you ran away from. but are you really topshit material after all that?? hell no! because you still think about it, still think about them, you still compete in a way to be better, to laugh louder, to look more pretty, to have more friends, to wear prettier clothes. all that stupid stuff that will never make you truly happier and free. what a waste of energy. i guess in a way i expect too much from myself. when all i really need is focus on my inner self and resolve the unresolved, meaning LET GO of the past. with all the things i've already 'processed' in my life, i still have one big thing to work on. and until that one shall not be resolved i will probably never forgive myself. it is a paradox actually, being hurt by someone and then not forgiving yourself, because you are simply not capable of forgiving them.
yes, i am a loud person, energetic in my everyday action...but how i wish to thrive that peacefulness that is so calming and secure. how i wish i would be able to gain it and keep it inside. i am a person of extremes and my biggest goal to achieve is to be able to constantly flow somewhere at least close to peaceful mind and have confidence that no matter what happens, i will always be strong enough to stay balanced.

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