for-give yourself first

still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.