who is you, what am i?

don't let your life pass you by. it is very, very important to know one thing in life. that noone can make you happy. if you want happines look inside yourself. and when you find it, spread it. and you'll learn to accept responsiblity for your own life. and then you'll stop obsesively look for your other half, or someone to make you happy, and only then you shall be prepared for a relationship.

i'm reading this book, it's about heroin addict and his path towards salvation. and i now am starting to understand, how being a human is not an easy task for some people. well, i knew that before, but i didn't know someone can get so lost. and i don't mean in using drugs and all...that's only helping them to get even more lost, but that someone can fel so empty and lost inside, not knowing who he is. it is terrible and i'm really happy i'm as i am.

but on the other hand there's the second part of the book, that shows you also the other side and what it means to get yourself out of there and build yourself again into a strong, kind, loving, real human. and i respect that more than anything. because by looking at those kinda people that made it, it makes me reflect my own mistakes, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. and makes me think about what kind of person i am. and i know there are many things i could change and i have no right in judging anyone, anywhere because i am certainly not perfect and nor is anyone. best thing is just to try our best in being good.

bow to the rain.... rain bow

there are ups and downs. i know that and everybody knows that, but still we are so worried if such a day comes when we simplydon't know what has gotten into us, why do we feel bad, or sad or simply without a will to get up in the morning.i can't explain why it comes to this but it happens to everybody. even to people like me and other rainbow folks...we do have rainy days when we need some sunny support from others. we are humans afterall. i learned to analise such states of mine. i simply go through the current situation and try to figure what could be the cause of it. sometimes i get to a conclusion, and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel better afterwards, and sometimes i don't. there are times when i feel from deep inside that i don't want to solve the current state but it's a dangerous thing, because quickly i fall into this self pity state. terrible i tell you! but soon i realise this is not the way to get back into my shape and i actually start to annoy myself, so then i get tired of being in a wierd bad mood, and i seek to find little sunray that picks me up and takes me on into the world of rainbows.
that's how it is, it's called life and there's nothing we can do against it. the best thing is to accpet it and live with it...hahaha!

gutten nacht my little rainbow

p.s. this post is for my rainbow, she knows who she is ***

go go go

i got this feeling again... i have to move somewhere. travelling is the ultimate answer.

my first, my last...day

i have three things that can describe my december...presents, COLD and alcohol. not really promising huh? but you know, you always comfort yurself it will get better in the next year.. hehehe! wel, i'm not saying it's bad, it's just that i realised how all this euphoric karma all around gets you in the flow and suddenly you find yourself kinda lost one morning when you wake up. but hey, i guess we need to losen up a little once in a while.

so lets see the most important things that happened this year. hmm, it is kinda hard to sum it up..i don't even remember everything that happened but seemed very important at the time. it's because we live here and now and the things that already passed are losing their importancy, i guess. for me i guess one of the most important things is Aleš coming into my life. i was just thinking beofore that i wished for him years ago, and now he's here. i actually was thinking about him, i just didn't know it was him then. and here he is, teaching me things everyday even if he isn't aware of it. i think i'm becoming different or at least trying to, cause i admire some of his virtues that i am also longing to have. not to become the same as him, but cause i've always wanted to change some things but couldn't. he is my teacher, my friend and my lover.

the next thing is my diploma. slowly coming to the end of it. not the biggest nightmare anymore. kinda strange though, cause for two years it was like a heavy cloud over my shoulders. but we survived that too.

and my sister moved away. my roommate since she was born. i still can't remove her things from the room, cause it feels strange if she ever comes for a visit and not having anything of hers in the room. but i'm happy for her. cause i know how hard it is to stay at home.

there is also my capoeira. i can't even believe it sometimes how it gets to me. not just capoeira itself, but especially the people there. and my role inside the group is more often a burden than a pleasure. that is definetly one of the things i will have to handle.

but on the end i always say to myself...it is not the new year that will bring me changes, cause it is always ME that has to act. so no matter new year or middle of august, it is when you move from talking to action when things begin to change.

25.12.

i really don't feel like talking about my feelings about christmas and all that comes with it...but if i would have to tell one thing i like about christmas is that i love the colored lights all over the house and the smell of a fresh christmas tree. the end.

real E.T.

fasten your seat belts please and go for a ride with me. a ride into unknown directions of my so called reality. lately i've been often thinking about the fact that hat we see is what we believe in and what we know. there's this theory that we're sort of unable to project or materialize the things we're not familiar with. so our reality is actually a selective world of our own beliefs? kinda hard to believe or imagine that huh? like what does that mean in practice, that if i don't believe in something and my friend does, i will not be able to see it even if would be in the same place, same time? he would be showing me something that i won't be able to see cause i wouldn't believe in it?



so what we think is what we materialize. but are there limitations? i mean how many realities can fit into one place? then it is maybe right, the theory that says there are several realities coexisting like parallel universes.

and what is all that talk about common conciousness? on what level is it common? where we all vibrate on the same frequency and see, feel, touch same stuff? and what does it mean all this...do wee seek to find one and only common conciousness or are we to preserve each ones own. what is better for us?

heavy traffic and waterfalls

rainy winter is continuosly following us these past days. people are all nervous because of all the water that's falling down our pretty earth, but nevermind them, as long as i'm holding on to my sunshine inside myself nothing can get me. i feel allright you know, suprisingly not paying any attention to the rain which i usually do. i guess it's because it's not really sooooo important. and even my low pressure doesn't take this weather into an account so i'm not as eager for a cup of coffee as i usually am. well, it doesn't mean i'm not drinking it, but it's more a matter of habit than anything else. and i got a coffee machine from my mom for a christmas present, which makes me drink it even more than before.



i've been earning some small money in a fair trade shop. interesting experience indeed. it made me really think about fair trade and all. cause if you look at it my way, where is fairness in this: some people getting paid for their job and on the other end of the chain volunteers working in a shop where these items are sold? i don't have anything against volunteering don't get me wrong, i think it's great. but i wouldn't call it a fair trade. i don't know if it fits in the concept. everyone should be fairly payed for what they do, that's fair. isn't it?

so how's my diploma progressing? due to my newest injury i'm still not able to walk normally so i wasn't able to go on a another field check, but i think this weekend i shall make it there for the final round. of course with a helping hand of my boyfriend, who won't let me go there by myself anymore..hehe!
and the biggest news of them all is...that my little sis moved away from home. so now i'm staying in this big room all by myself. of course i already made some furniture changes so now it looks as thoughas it's even bigger than before. and i have two beds, two desks...total luxury! hehe