back to life, back to 3D

yesterday night i was out, you know socialising in a good old way, not through some social network on the internet or anything. i was actually physicaly there, moving my hands, feet and mouth. and it so happened that i ran to some of old schoolmates way back from primary school. i would have probably not even recognise them if i wouldn't be madly in love with one of them in my 8th garde..heheh! anyways, but that was not the thing i wanted to say, what i was gona talk about is..that today when i was thinking about our conversation it seemed to me that whaever we've said someone mentioned fuc*** facebook. ''oh, is it really you? i probably wouldn't recognise you, if i wouldn't see you on facebook.'' or ''yeah, we should totally have a reunion, it would be fun. we can gather peoples contacts on facebook.''
and stuff like that...and i was always repeating...uhmmm, yeah well i DON'T have a facebook profile anymore dude. and they would all look at me as if i had fallen from another planet. and again i'm an outcast...as i kinda always was, always trying to reach somewhere noone did before, looking for new interesting things and so on. i was probably one of the earliest people who've had FB, because on the beggining i even didn't talk about it, cause i thought people have enough to do with old fashioned myspace which i also banned long time ago. but it started to spread and spread and suddenly almost everyone had a profile..well, almost everyone, Špela didn't! and i'm kinda proud of her.

and then it also happens that someone banned and cracked one of my groups i've made there. dunno what happened when i left FB, but people are telling me that someone abused my group and turned it into something i've never wanted it to be. that's totally wicked, rude and unpolite and after hearing that i was all upset.

anyways....what kind of phenomena is it? none of the other social networks had such an impacton majority. well, except maybe Orkut in Brasilian population and the ones that have some friends from Brasil. but Orkut is somehow not so appealing. i would say it's their lousy design. i personally don't like my orkut profile how it looks. dunno...
but it's freaky don't ya think? well what am i asking you for..if you're reading my blog, you're probably a FB user too.

twilight zone....

heh, i had a funny idea about today's post. thank ggod not all of my post are boring and serious and need an inteligent reader to figure them out. sometimes i admit even i don't understand them on the end anymore.khm, well..back to the today's funny post.

anyways, i hope i will not insult anyone, keep in mind i was also one of the people that tried it.
what am i talking about? internet dating and friendship.


it's just that i'm a very opened person and for me it's a delight if i find a person i feel pleasure talking to. no matter the way of my comunication. and so it happened tome, that in my early years as a internet user, of course i had to try on-line dating. but it wasn't that i was looking for the love of my life on-line, no i was meeting people in chat rooms, forums and stuff. and since they were really funny and smart i thought..oh what the hell, let's do this. well, it was only like 3 times or so, but none of the meetings turned out as i imagined. of course not! cause you can't just imagine something to turn out...hehehe!
nevertheless, i'm still a good friend with one of the people i've met like this and we share common interest in acting and performance.



i was kinda always seeing myself as if i'm different from those that do on-line dating regularly or at least more than 3 times. but am i? i don't know exactly what would make me different, but on the other hand i am different. cause i certainly had more relatonships that started right ahead in the real world without any intervention of the virtual world. we definetly need to socialise. and that's why i decided one day that i'll ban my facebook profile. cause i thought to myself....what the f*** do i need FB for if i have the people that i love around me. sure i don't deny i wasn't happy to find all the long lost people i once knew, but in reality, what do i gain if i add them as my friends? let me tell you, absolutely nothing.

p.s. my on-line datig history goes way back before FB even existed, just for the record.


it seems, i'm kinda captured between two worlds that both attract me but i always have to remind myself which one counts more in life. because no matter what, people always pretend in this or that way and computers give us perfect chance. but me as always, somehow believe people are good and there is no need to pretend in front of someone you don't even know, right? right!

who is you, what am i?

don't let your life pass you by. it is very, very important to know one thing in life. that noone can make you happy. if you want happines look inside yourself. and when you find it, spread it. and you'll learn to accept responsiblity for your own life. and then you'll stop obsesively look for your other half, or someone to make you happy, and only then you shall be prepared for a relationship.

i'm reading this book, it's about heroin addict and his path towards salvation. and i now am starting to understand, how being a human is not an easy task for some people. well, i knew that before, but i didn't know someone can get so lost. and i don't mean in using drugs and all...that's only helping them to get even more lost, but that someone can fel so empty and lost inside, not knowing who he is. it is terrible and i'm really happy i'm as i am.

but on the other hand there's the second part of the book, that shows you also the other side and what it means to get yourself out of there and build yourself again into a strong, kind, loving, real human. and i respect that more than anything. because by looking at those kinda people that made it, it makes me reflect my own mistakes, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. and makes me think about what kind of person i am. and i know there are many things i could change and i have no right in judging anyone, anywhere because i am certainly not perfect and nor is anyone. best thing is just to try our best in being good.

bow to the rain.... rain bow

there are ups and downs. i know that and everybody knows that, but still we are so worried if such a day comes when we simplydon't know what has gotten into us, why do we feel bad, or sad or simply without a will to get up in the morning.i can't explain why it comes to this but it happens to everybody. even to people like me and other rainbow folks...we do have rainy days when we need some sunny support from others. we are humans afterall. i learned to analise such states of mine. i simply go through the current situation and try to figure what could be the cause of it. sometimes i get to a conclusion, and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel better afterwards, and sometimes i don't. there are times when i feel from deep inside that i don't want to solve the current state but it's a dangerous thing, because quickly i fall into this self pity state. terrible i tell you! but soon i realise this is not the way to get back into my shape and i actually start to annoy myself, so then i get tired of being in a wierd bad mood, and i seek to find little sunray that picks me up and takes me on into the world of rainbows.
that's how it is, it's called life and there's nothing we can do against it. the best thing is to accpet it and live with it...hahaha!

gutten nacht my little rainbow

p.s. this post is for my rainbow, she knows who she is ***

go go go

i got this feeling again... i have to move somewhere. travelling is the ultimate answer.

my first, my last...day

i have three things that can describe my december...presents, COLD and alcohol. not really promising huh? but you know, you always comfort yurself it will get better in the next year.. hehehe! wel, i'm not saying it's bad, it's just that i realised how all this euphoric karma all around gets you in the flow and suddenly you find yourself kinda lost one morning when you wake up. but hey, i guess we need to losen up a little once in a while.

so lets see the most important things that happened this year. hmm, it is kinda hard to sum it up..i don't even remember everything that happened but seemed very important at the time. it's because we live here and now and the things that already passed are losing their importancy, i guess. for me i guess one of the most important things is Aleš coming into my life. i was just thinking beofore that i wished for him years ago, and now he's here. i actually was thinking about him, i just didn't know it was him then. and here he is, teaching me things everyday even if he isn't aware of it. i think i'm becoming different or at least trying to, cause i admire some of his virtues that i am also longing to have. not to become the same as him, but cause i've always wanted to change some things but couldn't. he is my teacher, my friend and my lover.

the next thing is my diploma. slowly coming to the end of it. not the biggest nightmare anymore. kinda strange though, cause for two years it was like a heavy cloud over my shoulders. but we survived that too.

and my sister moved away. my roommate since she was born. i still can't remove her things from the room, cause it feels strange if she ever comes for a visit and not having anything of hers in the room. but i'm happy for her. cause i know how hard it is to stay at home.

there is also my capoeira. i can't even believe it sometimes how it gets to me. not just capoeira itself, but especially the people there. and my role inside the group is more often a burden than a pleasure. that is definetly one of the things i will have to handle.

but on the end i always say to myself...it is not the new year that will bring me changes, cause it is always ME that has to act. so no matter new year or middle of august, it is when you move from talking to action when things begin to change.

25.12.

i really don't feel like talking about my feelings about christmas and all that comes with it...but if i would have to tell one thing i like about christmas is that i love the colored lights all over the house and the smell of a fresh christmas tree. the end.