waves of infinity

today...i'm not all that. i'm nothing. and i'm everything. mixed all together. i'm playing loud music so that i don't hear myself, some say it's also a drug. well, okay then..today i'm gonna get high on music so that i forget me, myself and i.

mind game

i'm playing this game lately. well, it's not really a game, it's a trainning. i'm trainning myself to be honest with myself and the world. and it is so good. everytimei have to do something or say something i quickly examine my inside and how i truly feel about the situation and then try to act upon that feeling. it is not easy all of the time, because we are used to NOT say or act the way we want, but what we think others want from us. it is because we were raised to feed on approval of others. to always think what others might think about this and that. i thought i am not one of those people, but i see now that many times i kinda modify my real wish and the expectation from the outside and mix it together so that the result is as pleasing for both sides as possible. i was surprised over that fact. but now by observing my actions i am consciously trying to always be true to myself. i believe it is not what everyone is capable of doing. but i am glad i am able to change. playing this new 'game' is making me feel so much better and so free i reccomend it to everyone!;)

to give and to for give

i know, i know...two posts in one day can be a bit too much, but i was truly inspired by today's day. it was a marvelous day, being to go through some rough moments and a couple of splendid ones. and all that while staying home alone. imagine that. inspired by what you ask? inspired by life. by everything that surrounds us, everything that's teaching us how to love. i don't know what is harder, loving someone else or loving thyself!? really, think about that for a minute. when you love someone else, you can easily 'blame' him/her for making you feel sad, hurt, happy. but when you try to love yourself, it's much harder to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for yourself. i cried once today...and it was when i looked into the mirror to see who do i have to be honest with and who do i have to forgive and love without any conditions. it was me on the other side...but the trick is that there is no other side. it's you and only you and you are on the same side, well supossed to be at least. why do we suffer so much? that is what i was thinking and am still thinking a lot about. it is so unimaginable that our mind wants to hold on to all that what we've lived through our lifetime, all that heavy baggage we've gained during our childhood, teenage years, adulthood...hard to imagine that one should in order to free himself just lose all that what he or she thought was 'building and growing' into a person you want to be. it's as if a man would be building a house all his life and on the end tore it down. and because that way of thinking is so unusual to us, we find it sometimes hard to understand and do. but when you get it, it seems so logical to you. you realised that all that you thought you are, isn't really you. it is what you've built yourself to be. the real you is somewhere deep inside, rooted in yourself. that is the person we have to find and to learn to love and accept. the rest of you can be honored and enjoyed, but it doesn't really matter if you haven't found your trueself.

i forgive.

me and the outside

have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.

and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.

but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.