i think truth is the best thing that we have to offer. and noone will convince me, that it is not liberating. telling truth even if bad, makes you feel lighter, more free, relaxed...it is the moments before telling it that are downbringing. and since i've talked much about balancing energies, i will say this here too...telling the truth brings balance, because if you keep something inside, whatever it is, you're often lingering on that and if it's strong you automatically attract the thing you're trying to avoid by keeping it inside you. i know why we keep things inside instead of telling them out loud. because often we don't want to face the consequences. because we are maybe afraid of reaction, because we know what the reaction might be, or because we think we might get hurt. i know i do. but on the oher hand i am so happy that i have people around me that i can at least try to have clear and open relationship with. and even if sometimes i think it's too hard to tell the truth, on the end i find it the only right thing to do if i want to free myself from all the frusrations and fears and energy nodes i have inside me. and how did i come to this today? well, i was talking to a person that without knowing, put me on this test. at first i didn't want to reveal what i really think and feel, but then i realised that it is the only right thing for me to do. if i expect it from others, i have to be the one to make an example and just come straight forward with my inside. because when you're 100% open, in my opinion not a lot of things can hurt you. if you say i did this and that and i'm like this then there is no effect if someone puts a mirror in front of you and tells you, look this is who you are...and you say, yes i know, i told you, i didn't hide anything. and when you're brave enough to show your weakness, then you're actually the bravest and the strongest one. so, my plan is to play open cards as often as possible. yeah, call me a dreamer, but at least i have one.
lately i'm asking myself a question whether i became too insensitive to my surrounding. i seem not to care much about situations around me as i did before, and sometimes i'm surprised with what ease i am doin it, even if people i care about are involved. i mean it's logical to me, that i won't cry just because my friend is sad and she or he cries. but even inside me, i sometimes don't feel anything...like a compassion or sadness or anything similar. so talking to them can be seen as insensitive, careless adn strange. i would like to believe that this is a sign of being able to look at the situation from objective view and give objective and sensable opinion, but nothing more than that, since it is not my problem or situation. because i see that people a lot of times put theirselves into the situations that are not really theirs and try to suffer equally over the same thing as the other person. what's the point of that? the result is negative, since you have then two miserable people instead of only having one. but then the question arises, how much sensitivity is enough and when is it too little? i admit, i'm kinda avoiding conversations with people that i know have problems, because i simply don't want to waste my time with listening to problems of other people, i surely have some better things to do. of curse it's not always like that, but many times i'm so tired of same old, same old conversations we're having. i've became quite an egoist in a certain sense, and by that i mean that i'm egoistically choosing how and with who i'll spend my time. and i always choose good, positive and bright over the bad, sad and negative. because what i've realised is that we are always alone and we are masters of our time and our life. so why not pick only the best for yourself? you certainly deserve the best.
an interesting thing happened the other day. i've realised that i still have a thing that belonged to my ex and i wanted to return it to him, because i felt bad having it since it was his. so i've wrote him an email, asking him when can i deliver it to him. he then responded that he actually doesn't need it back because he kinda gave it to me, i didn't know that. anyways, then he invited me to have a coffee with him. and that's the funny part. why would i want to go for a coffee with a person i haven't seen or speak to for like half a year, made me go through some tough times and is today nowhere present in my life, except as a long lost memory. i was not upset or anything, i was just surprised. i didn't know how to reject him nicely, so i just thought ignoring the invite would be the most meanningful way to do it. and as much as i wanted for us to remain friends after he left me, i've realised he is not a kind of person i would want for a friend, because i know what i expect from my friends and he can't give that to me. and to drink coffee with him once in a while just doesn't seem necessary. yes, i admit it still hurts a bit too, since i've trusted him completely...but let's be honest, after all i've learned in the past year...trusting that guy would be a complete idiotism.
guilt usually seeks forgiveness. but the big Q here is...whose forgiveness and why? if i do something wrong why do i need someone to forgive me my mistake, if i know that i've did something wrong? it's just a fact, and nothing is changed if someone else forgives me for what i did. because doing something that you think you did wrong, should be forgiven only by yourself. and doing something that someone else thinks was wrong and you not seeing it so, does it also need to be forgiven? if you didn't think as wrong while doing it? and again we are at the question of various views over the same situation that can vary. i read somewhere that we never see things as they are, we see them as we are...and that's exactly what i've been saying. doing something wrong is only wrong because you see it that way, or someone else see it that way, or the society around you says that's wrong. but in the basis...it's only plain situation that is as it is. you know? yeah, it is kinda hard to understand..but it really is simple. if i decide someone is doing something wrong i'm not trying to convince him that he's doing it wrong...i tell him my view and i leave the scene. but he funny part is that often people run after you and try to either convince you that what they're doing is not wrong, or feel guilty and try to get your forgiveness. isn't that funny? why on earth should you change your behaviour based on someone else's opinion, only to get his or her approval? well my friend that is in my opinion a sign of low selfsteem and insecurity. i try to show my friends that despite my disaproval of their behaviour, they can freely continue act as they wish. and depending on the type of their act i shall only decide whether i want to stay close to them or leave. it is only your decision if you will change your behaviour in order to make me stay, or keep on doing what you were doing not paying any attention on my presence. i'm not saying it is simple to do it, since we are not acustomed to act this way, but giving such situations importancy, makes them even harder. i know it did for me, long time ago i gave a lot of importancy to certain people and actions. and the hardest thing was to admit to myself that i need to let go and accept their behaviour as it is, even though for me it was the most horrible thing someone could ever do. but today i stand here and i know that i am here because of my own choice i've made and because of big sacrifices i did..but only for myself, because i love myself so much today. and every day i am trying to accept that fact, that people are different and that everybody makes their choices and they show their choices with actions..and actions matter, because they make you decide whether you want to stay there or go some other way. and i will forgive myself of not being able to fully understand and accept that fact until today, and i do not need to forgive anyone else.
