today i really find my blog stinky. but in a way that's good. because the way i see it it means that i've changed since i wrote previous posts...and change is good and change is normal and sometimes, just once in a while i wanna be normal. yeah, maybe today i'll try to be normal? ...naaaah! =)
it is funny...and how true it is the saying that change is the only constant thing in our lives. we change all the time, this blog is pure evidence of it. in one post i claim our ability to think is a curse and in the next i praise it. of course my mental state is the source of it all. in the past few days i'm having these interesting almost a bit freaky thoughts running through my mind. my friends say i'm just making a clearance in my mind, kind of like a big spring cleanning. and i say, thank you it's going on only in my head otherwise the main character of my thoughts would get damn hurt. so, what are these thoughts? i'm beating the hell out of my ex-boyfriend. many of you know i train capoeira so in my mind i'm doing capoeira with him and i'm doing it really hardcore and thanks to ability to control my own thoughts i can make him weak, because in real life he would probably beat the hell out of me. so what! here i am the master of disaster and it feels damn good! i am not a violent person at all that's why i said that the thoughts are freaky, but as long as they are only thoughts i think it's okay. the only thing that bothers me with that is, that hate and jealousy are one of the lowest kinds of feeling and since i consider myself somehow emotional inteligent person i do not like what i'm feeling. but on the other hand i just try to accept what i feel and let it go through...as this is supossed to be a 'normal' procedure in my shituation.
couple of weeks ago my ex-ex boyfriend visited me and told me he wishes i would stop suffering over this guy, because i am a nice and good person and he doesn't like to see me like this. i so much want to be over him already, but i told him it is so hard for me and that i don't know how. he kind of wanted to give me some friendly advice...but on the end before i fell asleep i realised that he is also suffering, and as much as i wanted his words and advices to be true and easy to follow, i felt he feels the same pain as i do. but i'm glad we got together after three years, since now i can be friends with him again. i guess it gives me hope that one day maybe it will be the same with this ex-boyfriend.
i wonder why when we grow older, we stop believe in stories? is it because our imagination is uncapable of understanding and intepret them, or because we've heard so many of them by the time we get old, that we don't want to be disapointed every time they end,and we realise that they're actually just stories. i don't know why, but i don't want to be non believer. i don't want to end up grumpy and dull one day. there are many interpretations of what is love. i usually go with the one that it is meere chemistry that provides our specie to reproduce and by feeling love we are able to atract a mate to produce our offspring. nothing phylosophical about it, totally rational and easy to adopt right? well, why then it is so hard when one of the mates does not go with the procedure, we understand it. why for god's sake does it hurt, and it takes so long to get over it...if it is just a tool against extinction?
i don't know the answer. but the closest one i've come up with is this one. because we are cursed with ability to think. we can not merely do what our nature tells us to do and not think about the reason for doing it. so we give meanning to things, and one of them we've named love and it is one of the most hot themes we talk about, think about, sing about, dream about.
spiritualists call it the ultimate feeling, the source of everything. of course there is also a discussion about different types of love. and lots of interpreteurs think that love between two people is lower rated than other types. and everyone agrees on one thing, and that is...that the most important version of love is the love towards thyself. and the second one, right after that one is love towards everything around us, all living creatures, the one they say only few can feel, and many fail to achieve, yet many try all their lives. divine love. but here i ask, how can one even try to achieve divine feeling of love if one fails with love towards another human being. what is harder? and who's fault it is if love between two, does not remain?my heart is definetly not for sale, and i wouldn't give it up ever. but i would like to share what's hidden inside it.
let me tell you a story...it's about a boy and a girl...no, about a GIRL and a boy! =) so, there was this nice, smart, pretty and kind girl and there was this funny, nice, wierd and smart boy. they had no clue what to do in their lives, all they knew is they have to enjoy it and feel good about whatever they do. sure, there were bad moments, and moments of sadness and grief in their lives, but on the end they've both somehow managed to come out of it and always see the bright side of life. the wierd thing was that, they just couldn't manage to work it out together. so their lives came together and tear them apart, and again brought them together. in a way i guess they've both knew they are perfect for each other, but on the other hand they were just not ready for each other. there were so many things they've had to learn, they just couldn't learn them together. but no matter how far away from each other they went or who came on their way...there was something about that same sparkle they've both had in their eyes. none of them understood why or where or how they will meet again, but then again, maybe it's sometimes for the best NOT to think too much...
to be continued...probably ;)
tou com saudade no meu coraçăo...
yeah i know i said i'm getting better, but life always has hundreds of surprises prepared for me. and one of them i also making me feel as if i'm getting crazy! my mind is so much preoccupied with only one thought which i can not get out of my head. i hate it! i know, i know.. my attitude towards it is in total contrast with what i've been thought in all the books and movies about creating your own life...but it's damn hard! yeah sure, nobody said it was gonna be easy, but i didn't expect it to be SO hard! what the f*** is happening to me!? i finally wanna be able to function normally without having these obsessions inside my mind. but for now the most i can do is shut my mind for maximum of couple of moments and then it comes back.
i was seriously considering going to specialist of somekind to help me, cause it's killing me this kind of life! it's eating me from the inside...
but hey, everybody says it's gonna pass...and everybody is NOT where i am and sometimes i just don't believe them, cause it hurts so much!
you know how i know i'm getting better? when i stop to write posts regularly. when my mental state is relatively okay...i can easily get ocuppied with loads of stuff! world is full of interesting things actually, but if your mind is a chaos..you are not able to recieve because you're too full of your own shit so to say. you know what i mean?well anyways...condiering the fact i'm getting better, what do i do in my free time? but what is free time anyways? i guess when you are doing what you want to do...so basically you can call your work also a free tmeif you like to do it? how kool is that!but i had in mind more the after work activities. well, since i am distancing myself from capoeira family from certain personal reasons (which) i guess everybody knows very well, i have more time to do other interesting stuff. for the time being it's bussines.
YEAH, you've read it..i'm actually actively attending various workshops and conferences on economy, bussiness and similar themes. i have no idea how on earth i ended up in this society, but i must admit it does not feel uncomfortable at all anymore, as it seemed on the beggining. i now actually understand thingsi hadn't had a clue before going there. and i actually started working on my idea of starting a bussiness on my own. it does not seem that impossible and so far it's all going into right direction. and i really believe that i'm gonna end up being a very succesfull woman one day! my friends, every day is the first day of the rest of our lives..so we better start living!
