insomnia

i wish our mind would be like a machine, like a computer...complicated and complex...but also easy to manage. for example, when i don't want to think, i simply turn it off with one button!!! why can't it be so simple?!?!

i love it, how same things can be said and explained in so many different way. and how our mind is explicitly unique. why am i saying this. well, the other day i was watching the movie Malice in wonderland and it made me think. and on the end i've came up with a rather interesting conlusion. the point of the movie was trying to make you re-think who we truly are and what determines us. are we made out of previous events and experiences we've lived in our lives or what it truly matters is here an now in no connection to what was before. if we would lose our memory right now, who would we be? would we be anyone? what would determine us as person, individual? would we even know how to live without all that "baggage" of past we usually carry with us? isn't it scary in a way? to think that all we've lived until now, could easily dissapear and make us question our existence, meanning not knowing who we are, what we like, what we hate, what makes us happy, sad, what is our passion, what we love. and yet, isn't it wonderful to think that without all that baggage we can truly be free and liberated of our boxes and we are forced to think outside of a box, because the box does not exist. i'm thinking if that's the point that all those spiritual book are always trying to tell you and teach you. that only thing that really matters is here and now without the past and future. so you see, the same thing that was told to me hundreds of times before, came tomy understanding with one simple movie that i didn't even want to see on the first place. and it was all clear to me. woala...

all is in circles....

circles..we all move in circles...we think we go our way straight in line, but it's circles really. what goes around, comes around.


broken frames,
so dark inside,
faces mismatched,
trickled up in a lie.

waves of shadows,
scattered dreams,
where are you,
where are you...

trying to find,
what do i see,
pictures that rime,
colors that breathe.

free

you know that ŠAMAR roka i was talking about some posts back..well, i could really use it right now. but on the other hand i don't exactly know what the fcuk am i feeling inside, which kinda scares me a little. not knowing thyself! who else can if i can't?!

i feel this strange apathic emptiness i've never felt before. pure nothing. actually it's a blessing not feel anything, but also a new dimension that i don't know exactly how to handle. i guess it's too wast for me and i've lost the coordinates.

but if i wasn't searching for anything how can i then get lost? does it mean i'm not even lost? which is good, not being lost...actually meaning then being free?? am i free? is this the feeling of letting go of everything that i've been holding on until now.

stinky ninja

today i really find my blog stinky. but in a way that's good. because the way i see it it means that i've changed since i wrote previous posts...and change is good and change is normal and sometimes, just once in a while i wanna be normal. yeah, maybe today i'll try to be normal? ...naaaah! =)

radosti življenja

is life really all about fighting for existence rather than just enjoying the freedom of it? why can't i have this magic wand or a button to press on, when i'm 'out of balance' ? why do i constantly fight and struggle with myself, with people around me? is all this really necesary in order to survive? i think not! i think life should be enjoyed, the problem is that i probably wasn't paying attention when they were teaching me how to do it and now i have to bare the consequences. what do you think? cause i don't know what to do anymore...i'm tired of everything. tired of this constant struggle and the only one that seems to be suffering in this story is me? shit, that was the most patethic sentence i've heard! hahaha, i have to admit i sometimes find myself THE tragic character of the story. you know like those characters in those romantic books...OMG! how patethic! i was talking to Špela today and she had this genius idea...it can not be translated, but she said why can't i just have a giant ŠAMAR ROKA so that i could slap someone with it when i'd feel like it! of course that someone is a particular person which i would rather not mention, to avoid any problems in future.



anyways my dear readers...today is not the best day for thoughts like this, since my hormones and my yesterdays activities (drinking and stuff) are messing with my balanced or should i rather say UNbalanced mind...so let that one depressing moment i've already had in the afternoon be enough for today and from now on it's only VIVA POSITIVA! i'll try to dance my troubles away...how about that? let's visit Tetkine radosti, what can be more joyfull than some of that good old 70's funk with groovy people and dancing feet...

mental clearance

it is funny...and how true it is the saying that change is the only constant thing in our lives. we change all the time, this blog is pure evidence of it. in one post i claim our ability to think is a curse and in the next i praise it. of course my mental state is the source of it all. in the past few days i'm having these interesting almost a bit freaky thoughts running through my mind. my friends say i'm just making a clearance in my mind, kind of like a big spring cleanning. and i say, thank you it's going on only in my head otherwise the main character of my thoughts would get damn hurt. so, what are these thoughts? i'm beating the hell out of my ex-boyfriend. many of you know i train capoeira so in my mind i'm doing capoeira with him and i'm doing it really hardcore and thanks to ability to control my own thoughts i can make him weak, because in real life he would probably beat the hell out of me. so what! here i am the master of disaster and it feels damn good! i am not a violent person at all that's why i said that the thoughts are freaky, but as long as they are only thoughts i think it's okay. the only thing that bothers me with that is, that hate and jealousy are one of the lowest kinds of feeling and since i consider myself somehow emotional inteligent person i do not like what i'm feeling. but on the other hand i just try to accept what i feel and let it go through...as this is supossed to be a 'normal' procedure in my shituation.

couple of weeks ago my ex-ex boyfriend visited me and told me he wishes i would stop suffering over this guy, because i am a nice and good person and he doesn't like to see me like this. i so much want to be over him already, but i told him it is so hard for me and that i don't know how. he kind of wanted to give me some friendly advice...but on the end before i fell asleep i realised that he is also suffering, and as much as i wanted his words and advices to be true and easy to follow, i felt he feels the same pain as i do. but i'm glad we got together after three years, since now i can be friends with him again. i guess it gives me hope that one day maybe it will be the same with this ex-boyfriend.