not for sale...

i wonder why when we grow older, we stop believe in stories? is it because our imagination is uncapable of understanding and intepret them, or because we've heard so many of them by the time we get old, that we don't want to be disapointed every time they end,and we realise that they're actually just stories. i don't know why, but i don't want to be non believer. i don't want to end up grumpy and dull one day. there are many interpretations of what is love. i usually go with the one that it is meere chemistry that provides our specie to reproduce and by feeling love we are able to atract a mate to produce our offspring. nothing phylosophical about it, totally rational and easy to adopt right? well, why then it is so hard when one of the mates does not go with the procedure, we understand it. why for god's sake does it hurt, and it takes so long to get over it...if it is just a tool against extinction?

i don't know the answer. but the closest one i've come up with is this one. because we are cursed with ability to think. we can not merely do what our nature tells us to do and not think about the reason for doing it. so we give meanning to things, and one of them we've named love and it is one of the most hot themes we talk about, think about, sing about, dream about.
spiritualists call it the ultimate feeling, the source of everything. of course there is also a discussion about different types of love. and lots of interpreteurs think that love between two people is lower rated than other types. and everyone agrees on one thing, and that is...that the most important version of love is the love towards thyself. and the second one, right after that one is love towards everything around us, all living creatures, the one they say only few can feel, and many fail to achieve, yet many try all their lives. divine love. but here i ask, how can one even try to achieve divine feeling of love if one fails with love towards another human being. what is harder? and who's fault it is if love between two, does not remain?

my heart is definetly not for sale, and i wouldn't give it up ever. but i would like to share what's hidden inside it.

just a story...

let me tell you a story...it's about a boy and a girl...no, about a GIRL and a boy! =) so, there was this nice, smart, pretty and kind girl and there was this funny, nice, wierd and smart boy. they had no clue what to do in their lives, all they knew is they have to enjoy it and feel good about whatever they do. sure, there were bad moments, and moments of sadness and grief in their lives, but on the end they've both somehow managed to come out of it and always see the bright side of life. the wierd thing was that, they just couldn't manage to work it out together. so their lives came together and tear them apart, and again brought them together. in a way i guess they've both knew they are perfect for each other, but on the other hand they were just not ready for each other. there were so many things they've had to learn, they just couldn't learn them together. but no matter how far away from each other they went or who came on their way...there was something about that same sparkle they've both had in their eyes. none of them understood why or where or how they will meet again, but then again, maybe it's sometimes for the best NOT to think too much...

to be continued...probably ;)

feijoada da minha vida

tou com saudade no meu coraçăo...

yeah i know i said i'm getting better, but life always has hundreds of surprises prepared for me. and one of them i also making me feel as if i'm getting crazy! my mind is so much preoccupied with only one thought which i can not get out of my head. i hate it! i know, i know.. my attitude towards it is in total contrast with what i've been thought in all the books and movies about creating your own life...but it's damn hard! yeah sure, nobody said it was gonna be easy, but i didn't expect it to be SO hard! what the f*** is happening to me!? i finally wanna be able to function normally without having these obsessions inside my mind. but for now the most i can do is shut my mind for maximum of couple of moments and then it comes back.
i was seriously considering going to specialist of somekind to help me, cause it's killing me this kind of life! it's eating me from the inside...
but hey, everybody says it's gonna pass...and everybody is NOT where i am and sometimes i just don't believe them, cause it hurts so much!

buzz-niz

you know how i know i'm getting better? when i stop to write posts regularly. when my mental state is relatively okay...i can easily get ocuppied with loads of stuff! world is full of interesting things actually, but if your mind is a chaos..you are not able to recieve because you're too full of your own shit so to say. you know what i mean?

well anyways...condiering the fact i'm getting better, what do i do in my free time? but what is free time anyways? i guess when you are doing what you want to do...so basically you can call your work also a free tmeif you like to do it? how kool is that!
but i had in mind more the after work activities. well, since i am distancing myself from capoeira family from certain personal reasons (which) i guess everybody knows very well, i have more time to do other interesting stuff. for the time being it's bussines.


YEAH, you've read it..i'm actually actively attending various workshops and conferences on economy, bussiness and similar themes. i have no idea how on earth i ended up in this society, but i must admit it does not feel uncomfortable at all anymore, as it seemed on the beggining. i now actually understand thingsi hadn't had a clue before going there. and i actually started working on my idea of starting a bussiness on my own. it does not seem that impossible and so far it's all going into right direction. and i really believe that i'm gonna end up being a very succesfull woman one day! my friends, every day is the first day of the rest of our lives..so we better start living!

advice

i love moments of revelation...as i've just had one, i am inspired to share it with you! many people would like to lose weight right?

so, today my friendz i would like to share my experience and give 'advice' how to lose weight:
1. move from your parents house
2. change your way of eating (no more mothers kitchen, only toast and soya milk)
3. if you're broke don't eat (maybe a soup per day)
4. your boyfriend must dump you so that you feel really bad and you really don't feel like eating at all
5. try to have a very stressfull job
6. along with stressfull job try having a thing you must do after work and takes a lot of your energy (such as graduation thesis to finish)
7. and of course you should be worried all the time, how will you pay your bills and your food, since your company is not giving you regular salary
8. and beside all this, you should exercise regularly (at least half an hour per day)

you see, it is not easy to lose weight, are you still sure you want to go through all this??...so just try to be happy with yourself and making everyday a better day for you, with little things!!

''Go to the farthest edge of the farthest edge so that I may know myself in my fullness.''

''We have come to know ourselves not by how we perceive ourselves in relationship to that which is around us, but instead have learned to perceive our relationship to all that is around us based on what those around us think of us. ''

''The Shift we have all been waiting for has now arrived and is rapidly expanding within, through and around each of us. It is in the process of changing everything that we know and more particularly how we know and how we experience what we know.''

today i was inspired by these three sentences. Everyday is a new experience. and all this talk about changes there, changes here is actually becoming my reality. i try so hard to understand everything that's going on around me and especially the purpose of it all...sometimes too hard. i often have to remind myself i shouldn't be so impatient, which i know is one of my weakness. that is also why i give up on many things if i don't get the reults as fast as i would want to. but i know this time i have to hold on to my path, my research, my seeking. because it is now too obvious that what is happening to me is all just a tiny part of a bigger picture which i now don't yet see and understand. anyways, what i wanted to say is that i stopped digging a hole in the sand and went forward seeking for the end of the desert. it's still a struggle, but at least i know who i am struggling with and why. it is myself and i struggle to understand what i've came here to learn.

dip into the deep

who really knows me, who is the person that knows the most inner me? all the ideas i have, dreams i have, how i think, how i react, how i feel? sometimes all i see around me, are strangers. among my friends even i sometimes don't feel the connection. it's frightening and yet misteriously amusing...all the secret me that's hiding inside and nobody really knows.
i am so hurt aright now, so fucked up and sad as i don't think i ever was in my entire life. and with all this, i also feel the loneliest person ever. as if there is a vast desert all around me, and everywhere i look i just see thirsty trees and rocks. and as my arms are digging the sand to find water, i just fall deeper and deeper. i probably should stop digging, but it seems as if there is no point if i do it or not. nothing seems to change. and i am not feeling strong enough to keep walking and move on to another spot, i ran out of energy for making steps.

i wonder how deep is the desert?