loan-liness

we are cameleons...we tend to change our colors, to adjust to a situation and a lot of times we are not even aware of it. as for me, i so easily and quietly adjust, that sometimes i surprise myself. just today i was thinking about it and realised that. so funny, especially when you counsciously observe the situation as an outside observer. and afterwards i also realised why we sometimes can feel alone even among other people. because we tend to mirror the surroundings inside us, and if the surrounding is not responding, we suddenly feel this emptiness. but the thing is, that this emptiness is a product of our own and not to be blamed on the surroundings. if one is complete in spiritual sense, there is not a single spot inside him, that is left empty and needs to be filled with some outter party. we often forget that or do not even know the reason for our loneliness. i think we should replace the pronounciation of the word loneliness into loan-liness, because it has higher discriptive meanning....we borrow a person or a situation to fill us in. and we expect it to last. but it can not last, since it is not our true nature, we just borrowed it. so eventually we have to be faced with ourselves. many times people just replace one loan after another because they simply can not bare to look deeper. but if you are ready and brave enough to look there, i can assure you, you shall find nothing but fullfilling emptiness of your true self.

reflections without mirror

i know sometimes people want to think that they're something that they're really not, or they want to be something they're really not. and i understand why we all sometimes feel like that. but idon't think that's being sincere to yourself. and not being truthfull to yourself, is not being truthfull to others around you. it hurts. seeing other person trying to be something it's not really him or her. i've stopped trying to change people around me, i don't care anymore. if we get along i accept that, but if not, there is only one thing i do..i step away from them. simple. makes sense and makes it easier. what's the point in having anykind of relationship if you feel it's not genuine. i don't have any problem with accepting people for who they are, i just don't feel any need anymore of attaching myself to anyone. and i find it hillarious and pathetic if i see someone that does. i knew there will come the time when i will slowly start to selectively pick my social network, by that meanning i will extract only the best of the best, the essence of the flower field. it's gonna sound funny what i'm about to say...but it said it in the book, this would happen. because when a person is no longer in need of outter reflections, because one is capable of recognising them at himself, he can slowly get bored by watching the same old situations which are not getting him anywhere. i admit i might seem a bit arogant at times, but i simply can not and will not get into a conversation if it doesn't interest me, or if i can see the deeper picture and don't like it. i don't simply follow conversations anymore. i analyse them on some other level. i can't explain, but what people say is often so irrelevant to me, because underneath all that crap they're saying just for something to be said...i feel and understand other things. and i can not go beyond that anymore now. sometimes i try, but it's not working...probably because i don't want it to work.

i enjoy being me, and i don't really need anyone to enjoy it either. i'm not saying i don't need friends, of course i do! i love them and i wouldn't trade them for anything. i just wish people would start being more honest to themselves so that relationships of anykind would start to be more honest.

hear yourself out

my blog is my therapy room, my sanctuary and my mirror. i need it. might be odd, that i am willing to expose my deepest thoughts here on this ''almighty web'' where everyone can acess it, but i like to think that despite these being my very own personal issues i'm dealing with, i am maybe also stimulating others in re-thinking theirs. anyways, that's not what i was intending to write about.

again i'm having insomnia nights. this is second one in a role. might not seem like a situation to panic about, but insomnia reminds me of some of my darkest and hardest nights i've had in the past year. i do not wish to go there again, ever! i know that the fact i was home sick for 2 days now also has something to do with my current mental state, but that's not an excuse to ignore it. being with yourself for 2 days can open doors you keep shut whilst spending time around people simply because you don't take time to listen to yourself. and i have a slight idea of where all this thoughts are coming from considering the fact i'm sort of starting a new chapter in my life...or at least i'm trying to. but there are all these fears an doubts and wishes and dreams i'm dealing with also. i was completely fine...until the fresh wind from Germany blew straight into my head. i've seen these scenario with one of my friends, and now it's happening to me. once you establish a fully functional and autonomous self, you kinda can get attached to that stability. and the moment that something happens that can change that, maybe even crash that stability you've worked for so hard on your own...you panic! because let's face it, we are all afraid of changes in one way or another. afraid because we get too attached to our situations. exactly what Eckart says...we identify ourselves with the situation, instead with our state of mind. and we think that new unknown situation might ''jeopardise'' what is known and comfortable to us. and that's exactly what i've did...but wasn't able to see it up till now. see, here is where the Heureka moment pops up..the lightbulb over my head! that's why i need to write my thoughts down.

earlier this evening i was watching some new documentaries about the ''New earth'' as Eckart calls it and everyone is talking about. i've heard it so many times now, that these things just coe so normal to me. i guess changes that everybody are talking about are trully happening to many of us, and i certainly hope that soon the majority will accept that we need to change our way of thinking in order to live up to our full potential. that is my greates wish..that i would be able to live up to my greatest potential, to be able to understand what is going on around me, why is it happening, how can i really change it and make it the way i want...because i know it is possible, i just haven't figured it out how!

say cheese, take a perfect picture!

i love to take pictures, i love to be on pictures and i love taking them. i like having them to remember the good times in my life. but looking at them often also reminds you of some past moments that are now almost forgotten or maybe even painfull. i also often think about why is it that i like to take pictures, because people say that the best memories are kept within your mind not on the pictures. it's true. and it is also true that often looking at pictures can bring certain situations or people alive, even though they are not in your life anymore. and i think there is a catch that can be limitating...because memories define you in one way or another. good or bad...you can stick to them and they prevent you from changing. and that's what i'm afraid of sometimes. i don't want to be defined by my memories, because then i won't be able to think new ways, new ideas, new concepts, cause then i'll be stuck in a gap of my memories.

but how can one liberate thyself from that? it's a million dollar question! i'm trying to find out that. as it so happens i fell into a situation that makes me deal at the same time with my past AND my future. and if i'll be too much influenced by past i won't be able to progress at present time so consequently i'll start repeating my past. and that i definetly don't want. but it's funny though, because i was brought into a situation that contains a person from my past and it is now up to me how my actions will be, will i continue my past reactions or will i remember what i've learned the first time and with that knowledge progress here and now, having the chance to upgrade to a state where i'll reach what i've always believed the picture could look like. hopefully i'll be smart enough my fear won't disable me from making the perfect picture, perfect.

truth, my biggest dream

i think truth is the best thing that we have to offer. and noone will convince me, that it is not liberating. telling truth even if bad, makes you feel lighter, more free, relaxed...it is the moments before telling it that are downbringing. and since i've talked much about balancing energies, i will say this here too...telling the truth brings balance, because if you keep something inside, whatever it is, you're often lingering on that and if it's strong you automatically attract the thing you're trying to avoid by keeping it inside you.
i know why we keep things inside instead of telling them out loud. because often we don't want to face the consequences. because we are maybe afraid of reaction, because we know what the reaction might be, or because we think we might get hurt. i know i do. but on the oher hand i am so happy that i have people around me that i can at least try to have clear and open relationship with. and even if sometimes i think it's too hard to tell the truth, on the end i find it the only right thing to do if i want to free myself from all the frusrations and fears and energy nodes i have inside me. and how did i come to this today? well, i was talking to a person that without knowing, put me on this test. at first i didn't want to reveal what i really think and feel, but then i realised that it is the only right thing for me to do. if i expect it from others, i have to be the one to make an example and just come straight forward with my inside. because when you're 100% open, in my opinion not a lot of things can hurt you. if you say i did this and that and i'm like this then there is no effect if someone puts a mirror in front of you and tells you, look this is who you are...and you say, yes i know, i told you, i didn't hide anything. and when you're brave enough to show your weakness, then you're actually the bravest and the strongest one. so, my plan is to play open cards as often as possible. yeah, call me a dreamer, but at least i have one.

ego-dio-tism

lately i'm asking myself a question whether i became too insensitive to my surrounding. i seem not to care much about situations around me as i did before, and sometimes i'm surprised with what ease i am doin it, even if people i care about are involved. i mean it's logical to me, that i won't cry just because my friend is sad and she or he cries. but even inside me, i sometimes don't feel anything...like a compassion or sadness or anything similar. so talking to them can be seen as insensitive, careless adn strange. i would like to believe that this is a sign of being able to look at the situation from objective view and give objective and sensable opinion, but nothing more than that, since it is not my problem or situation. because i see that people a lot of times put theirselves into the situations that are not really theirs and try to suffer equally over the same thing as the other person. what's the point of that? the result is negative, since you have then two miserable people instead of only having one. but then the question arises, how much sensitivity is enough and when is it too little? i admit, i'm kinda avoiding conversations with people that i know have problems, because i simply don't want to waste my time with listening to problems of other people, i surely have some better things to do. of curse it's not always like that, but many times i'm so tired of same old, same old conversations we're having. i've became quite an egoist in a certain sense, and by that i mean that i'm egoistically choosing how and with who i'll spend my time. and i always choose good, positive and bright over the bad, sad and negative. because what i've realised is that we are always alone and we are masters of our time and our life. so why not pick only the best for yourself? you certainly deserve the best.

an interesting thing happened the other day. i've realised that i still have a thing that belonged to my ex and i wanted to return it to him, because i felt bad having it since it was his. so i've wrote him an email, asking him when can i deliver it to him. he then responded that he actually doesn't need it back because he kinda gave it to me, i didn't know that. anyways, then he invited me to have a coffee with him. and that's the funny part. why would i want to go for a coffee with a person i haven't seen or speak to for like half a year, made me go through some tough times and is today nowhere present in my life, except as a long lost memory. i was not upset or anything, i was just surprised. i didn't know how to reject him nicely, so i just thought ignoring the invite would be the most meanningful way to do it. and as much as i wanted for us to remain friends after he left me, i've realised he is not a kind of person i would want for a friend, because i know what i expect from my friends and he can't give that to me. and to drink coffee with him once in a while just doesn't seem necessary. yes, i admit it still hurts a bit too, since i've trusted him completely...but let's be honest, after all i've learned in the past year...trusting that guy would be a complete idiotism.

to give for give

guilt usually seeks forgiveness. but the big Q here is...whose forgiveness and why? if i do something wrong why do i need someone to forgive me my mistake, if i know that i've did something wrong? it's just a fact, and nothing is changed if someone else forgives me for what i did. because doing something that you think you did wrong, should be forgiven only by yourself. and doing something that someone else thinks was wrong and you not seeing it so, does it also need to be forgiven? if you didn't think as wrong while doing it? and again we are at the question of various views over the same situation that can vary. i read somewhere that we never see things as they are, we see them as we are...and that's exactly what i've been saying. doing something wrong is only wrong because you see it that way, or someone else see it that way, or the society around you says that's wrong. but in the basis...it's only plain situation that is as it is. you know? yeah, it is kinda hard to understand..but it really is simple.

if i decide someone is doing something wrong i'm not trying to convince him that he's doing it wrong...i tell him my view and i leave the scene. but he funny part is that often people run after you and try to either convince you that what they're doing is not wrong, or feel guilty and try to get your forgiveness. isn't that funny? why on earth should you change your behaviour based on someone else's opinion, only to get his or her approval? well my friend that is in my opinion a sign of low selfsteem and insecurity. i try to show my friends that despite my disaproval of their behaviour, they can freely continue act as they wish. and depending on the type of their act i shall only decide whether i want to stay close to them or leave. it is only your decision if you will change your behaviour in order to make me stay, or keep on doing what you were doing not paying any attention on my presence. i'm not saying it is simple to do it, since we are not acustomed to act this way, but giving such situations importancy, makes them even harder. i know it did for me, long time ago i gave a lot of importancy to certain people and actions. and the hardest thing was to admit to myself that i need to let go and accept their behaviour as it is, even though for me it was the most horrible thing someone could ever do. but today i stand here and i know that i am here because of my own choice i've made and because of big sacrifices i did..but only for myself, because i love myself so much today. and every day i am trying to accept that fact, that people are different and that everybody makes their choices and they show their choices with actions..and actions matter, because they make you decide whether you want to stay there or go some other way. and i will forgive myself of not being able to fully understand and accept that fact until today, and i do not need to forgive anyone else.