sometimes i feel like writting, but just can't get my thoughts up straight so i change my mind. and i was thinking, maybe on fridays after capoeira i can clear my mind so that i can think clearly and it's easier to write. cause again i'm somehow confused. so many stuff going on in my mind. first of all i wanna say i'm thrilled cause i passed climatology AT LAST!!!really proud of myself!now i just have one more exam to go and i'm almost finished! weee....
yesterday i was out partying with some friends from capoeira. it was so nice and i realised that everyone we met was from capoeira. i wouldn't even notice that fact if Mojca wouldn't ask everytime someone new joined us if he or she is from capoeira! and indeed they were... amazing! my capoeristas...i love them so much!
saturday was a wierd day. we spent all day at the seaside and it was grea. but at the evening we had presentation of capoera on a festival. the energy flow was wierd and everything didn't end quite okay, cause Batata got hurt. my ancle was also hurting bad when we played roda in the backstage. and amongst all, there was some unpleasant energy going on between some of my friends and i really didn't liked it. again i was the stepping stone between everyone. believe it or not..i was happy when we've got home safely.
i'm spending more time with Pipoca now. we've become really good friends. even though we are different, i care for her deeply as she is such a sweet person. and she always makes me laugh! and she always finds a word for me, when i need it! even though she can be real drama queen as she is sying, when i have a problem, she always helps me with some positive and realistic advice. usually i'm the one that is doing that for people, so i find it really refreshing if the help is mutual on both sides.
now, i'm going to check on my vitamin bomb that is supossed to be waitting for me downstairs in the kitchen! the heat is killing me...i just can't eat during the day!
i'm gona go talking about capoeira again. can't help it, it's my life.the oppening season of outdoor presentations is here and i'm so excited. it's like when summer comes and you fall into this feeling of happines and freedom. and everything looks so nice!i'm so happy...this friday we were in Kranj. although i had a terrible headache i was excited an in a good mood. it's not just the moment when we have a presentation, but all the driving, talking to your friends, having fun, getting to know each other..well, you know what i mean. and i feel that my role inside our group has sometimes greater impact on people than i think. in a positive way i mean. which is good and always gives me energy to go on and to know that i'm on the right way.next monday i have a meeting on one of the local primary schools. i'll start to teach children capoeira if they'll be interested at the school. i'm really excited!..and proud of myself. i've just realised i reached one of my goals, i've dreamed of for some time. i can't even recall when did i decide that one day i'll teach capoeira, and now i'm actually at the point when it's all coming true. i know i have so much to learn, and i'll never learn all that capoeira has to give. but the fact that capoeira means so much to me and that i'm going to be able to give piece of my passion to someone else as a mentor, as a teacher... i can't remember when something like this happened to me in my life. i'm gratefull!
so, next staurday we're off to Piran...yeeey! sea, sun and capoeira... sweet essence of being...
i like to consider myself as a very open person, rather comunicative and kind..a profile that can easily connect and attract many different people. but have i ever thuought all this could be a problem? honestly, i didn't!but it turns out people demand their amount of time and energy and are often unable or unviling to accept and understand that life is a process and in ones life there are different periods. within this period you need certain things to grow up as a person and certain things you simply don't. it's nothing bad at all, it's just life.
so me as a giving person come to a problem when i simply can not satisfy all the needs of others, and then again, why on earth should i? we are all creators of our own happiness. responsibility in on us not others to make us happy.why am i writting this? cause at the moment my life consists of a narrow circle of people and things that i do. i have my graduation thesis to finish so it is necesary for some selection to be done. and there i am, facing the doubts if i'm handling the situation right. i love my friends, but i simply can not and will not adapt my life to them at this point. it's hard, but on the other hand i could use little compassion and understanding here. again i'm faced with all the complexity of human relations....and in the last few weeks i realised is all about attention. wierd, cause sometimes i wish i could just be there in the middle of the crowd, but be invisible. not talking to anyone, just feel the moment. eu sou de ninguem, eu sou de tudo mundo e tudo mundo é meu tambem...(i'm nobody's, i'm of the whole world,
and the world is mine...)
lots of times after my last friday trainning i feel the urge to write something here. i don't know exactly why, but i think the fact that capoeira takes like almost 50% of my life if not more, has something to do with it. it's normal then that there are massive changes inside my mind and body after icome home. it's strong, capoeira i mean. it gets into you, it starts to move your physical and mental edges and makes you explode once in a while. i've seen it happen to me and to others so i believe in it's power. i remember one time at trainning when i rushed out of the gym crying with no special reason. something moved inside me and the tears just came out rushing down my face. and how can you say after that, that capoeira is just a recreation and nothing more. anyways, this is also the first time that i have some really special friends within the group. and yesterday was one of the hardest days we've had together. everything was so emotionally tense that i was so confused, cause i didn't understand what exactly is happening. then i got into a sort of a fight with the professor, which was even more frustrating. i know it's hard to work with him and all, but i hate it if someone is putting blame on someone else, especially cause i didn't have anything to do with the problem but he twisted my words and made it seem i'm the core of the problem that appeared withing the group. it's hurts. so we talked and cried and played capoeira and cried some more and on the end everything ended okay.
the one thing that hurts the most with all this is that my birthday roda was not exactly how it could be. but nevertheless, what it matters is that now we're even better friends and we've hopefully all learned something form all this mess. to tell you the truth i don't know what exactly was the real problem. i was just in the middle of all this mess because i'm the only one that knows portuguese and could translate words. maybe i shouldn't have.
i realised many things whilst my time with jerneja and tanja...and one of them is that i feel like i'm living on a totally different planet. my perception of things is completelly different. so in a way it's good to hang around them so they can give me sight into the dimensions i wouldn't normally fall into. but on the other hand, i like my little bubble that i live in, my little dreamy world of goodness and harmony here everyone is nice to everyone, where everyone respects each other and never argue with noone, where love, peace and harmony are truly the way of living.
i'm a hopeless dreamer...
back from Budapest. it was a nice trip, better than i expected, considering the fact that i went there with people i hardly knew, except Anja and Goran. i realised i'm a really adaptive person, which i can't say for some that were there with me. but when you're staying in the same apartement with 5 other people, taking tourist walks around the city, drinking, partying and sleeping 24/7 for 5 days well, you HAVE to sometimes go over yourself. anyways, i had a great time indeed..also the Sensation white was really nice..and it would be perfect if Anja and Goran ouldn't get into a fight and Anja wouldn't be missing or couple of hours. but then again..everybody is responsible for their own happines and good time. and i surelyhad a good time. it was maybe the fact that i had a birthday and i could get a kiss from every cute guy that passed us by, and it could have been the fact that i discovered that 30 year old hungarian men are really something worth to experience..hehe! if you know what i mean.but those 5 days passed so quickly.i'm sure it wouldn't have been half so good if anja wouldn't meet some portuguese capoeristas with whom i played some capoeira in the city square in the middle o the night. next day they invited me to open roda they had in the park. it was sooo exciting. i actually went inside and played. i was scared, excited, proud of myself and as happy as a child. capoeira gives me all that, capoeira is simple JOY. you have to live it, otherwise you're not a real capoerista. it's NOT recreation, capoeira is... uh, i just can't explain. i'm so happy when i see that people around me that don't do capoeira, realise that capoeira for me is something more than just a afternoon activity. cause it's much, much more!anyways, during my stay there i also thought a lot about Jure, about what we have now, how i feel about him and all that. for me he's like a cuddly bear that i know is always waitting for me, when i come home and want some attention and love. it's really nice to have him although i still can't see us getting back together. i know there are no rules of what i should do, but the society is always forcing us into some kind of regulations, orders, systems... that's why it's sometimes hard to handle what we have. cause there is no ''official'' name to our relationship. we simply like each other and i know i can count on him, and i know where to find a hug or a kiss..he's always just one call away. amazing actually, because when i was with S... even though he was officially with me, this feeling was often lost or inescure. you know what i mean? okay, this is it for today...have to rest. lately i feel so tired all of the time, i can't imagine why. my sister was joking that maybe i'm pregnant!! a really BAD joke indeed!! omg...
