hello my sweet friend, blank page. hello my sweet sadness, my sweet loneliness. hello, hello. oh, i feel so nostalgic last few days. so fragile, so innocent. i am hiding behind big words and heavy songs, but no sound can reach the vast emptiness i feel inside. i guess it's time, it's time for something to happen. for something to move and to change. my soul is restless and i can feel it the moment i close my doors and rest in my bed. but there is no rest for me. dreams are constantly waking me up, waking my spirit and telling him long forgotten stories about the beginning of time. i am waking up in tears, because i am remembering. and when i am awake i am crying, because i can not tell anyone about it. i am alone.
a lonely dancer without a stage to dance on. what does it all matter anyway. talking and dreaming and writing and thinking, if living has no purpose. if my life is like a farce because i am too afraid to take chances, because i am a coward, hiding behind the comfortable everyday. but truly inside i am crying for freedom. crying because i know it is so complicated to explain it to anyone that i do not even try. and i have gotten used to my loneliness, too comfortable i sit within it. and when someone comes along trying to pull me out of my safety zone, all my alarms go ON! danger, danger...change is about to happen..alert! and immediately i freeze and jump back, lock my doors and curiously watch through the closed window what is going on outside. no risk, no disappointment, no problem. and everything is under control. my control. way to go, you brave girl. i love you so much.
it's been a while. changes are happening big time and other channels of expression opening for my creativity of writing which i have never enjoyed more than i do in this time. but yet, this is my personal blog and only here can i say thing or two about what's going on inside me. yet i am starting to question my existence. in a sense that my life is merely a farse with all the dramas that are happening at the moment. well now that i think about it, last 9 years there have always been some dramas, just not connected directly to me. i am trying so hard to see the big picture, because i simply don't believe that by doing good, you can attract bad. and i guess all this happening around me may be consequence of clearing my subconsciousness and letting go of things that have in the past prevent me from rising up and take my full potential. After getting to know certain people in my life that i feel so connected now, i have come across a book that was waiting for me. i have read a lot of them, and all of them were meant to be sent on my way..but i feel as if this last one is like the cherry on top! i also know that symbols in our lives are many times a product that we produce when wanting to see certain signs. but in this case...the book is telling me about things i have in past time experienced and sometimes not knowing or understanding them. it is clearing my picture, slowly but persistently. this book is about everything. it is about who am i. where have i come from. what is my purpose. what are my assignments. why my life is as it is and what is going to happen. and no matter how many books similar to this i have read...this one is special merely because i believe it even if i don't understand a lot of what is written. because within this exsistence on Earth inside my physical body, there are many things i can not yet understand. and i know i will in the future. i am calm. and at the same time i get this moments of fear of what is happening around me. the one thing that confuses me is, how exactly am i to manage my life if everything is just a story that has really nothing to do with who i truly am beneath all this layers. i know i was supposed to go through all this in order to understand the rest of the humanity, but now that i'm starting to wake up from this crazy dream i have thought of my life, i can no longer combine both worlds, both levels...it confuses me big time actually. i didn't even realise until now, how confusing all this is for me. i have always functioned without any particular guidance, but in this moment of my life is feel as if i truly am on a breakthrough point and i just don't know how to continue. for the first time i need guidance and i know that there is nothing bad in asking for one.
still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.
i know that after every overwhelming and intense state of mind, there comes a time when you subconsciously react to all that over-potential. To that i would also add my fast living during the week, and we have to have something to stop us and makes us start breathing normally. Sometimes i am seriously tired of my 'consciousness' for it brings me rather a burden than freedom, but then again i guess that is then not the right type of consciousness or what. i am tired of constantly being aware of everything that is happening around me, about always thinking about it and analysing what am i suppose to think now, how am i to react and why. this mind is still so strong that it makes me tired. and i know that sometimes the best time to be really free is when you're simply too tired to do anything so you just automatically let go and 'voila' there you have it, your breakthrough moment. but so far it hasn't happen to me yet, well in smaller intervals, but no long term reaction. i am still to eager to GET IT, that i probably won't still get it for some time. but that's the fun part...get what??understand what?? sometimes i don't know anymore. i feel lost. sometimes i just rather not think about anything and hide in my cosy bed, doing nothing, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. i guess it's when i am kinda getting my balance back. why is it that when i write, it is all so clear to me, it is as if i understand the order of this universe. but then in my real life i sometimes feel like i've failed on my exam. yeah sure, the theory is easy, you read a couple of books, you watch some videos on you tube and resolve some issues in your life and then think you have it all, you're on top of the world, better than those people from your past you ran away from. but are you really topshit material after all that?? hell no! because you still think about it, still think about them, you still compete in a way to be better, to laugh louder, to look more pretty, to have more friends, to wear prettier clothes. all that stupid stuff that will never make you truly happier and free. what a waste of energy. i guess in a way i expect too much from myself. when all i really need is focus on my inner self and resolve the unresolved, meaning LET GO of the past. with all the things i've already 'processed' in my life, i still have one big thing to work on. and until that one shall not be resolved i will probably never forgive myself. it is a paradox actually, being hurt by someone and then not forgiving yourself, because you are simply not capable of forgiving them. yes, i am a loud person, energetic in my everyday action...but how i wish to thrive that peacefulness that is so calming and secure. how i wish i would be able to gain it and keep it inside. i am a person of extremes and my biggest goal to achieve is to be able to constantly flow somewhere at least close to peaceful mind and have confidence that no matter what happens, i will always be strong enough to stay balanced.
to tell you honestly...i have this premonition. i don't know what it means and sometimes i am afraid of it. but the thing is that what i am trying to do in my life is to let life run through me and accept all the changes. practice what you preach i always say...and that is exactly my intention here. i am getting from theory to experiential level, we have to move in order to change anything. experience what life is really trying to tell you and believe that life always and forever only brings what is good for you. your life shall never do anything to harm you, if and when that happens we are doing it ourselves. we alone are preventing for things to happen to us. we alone are letting suffering come into our mind and body. it is essential to understand that if we want to move and change it. my premonition is getting stronger now and at the same time i am starting to do more things that i love in my life. things that make me happy, full of energy and give me inner strength. people that don't see me often say to me on the street i look good, i look strong, i look brave....why? how can they tell if they don't see me everyday and don't know what's going on in my life!? well, i will tell you how...because my inner strength reflects on my outside. and isn't that on it's own evidence that is strong enough to convince you i am doing the right thing, i am walking on the right path and knocking on right doors? what else do i need to prove me right? i am always saying to myself that i am getting there, but am not there yet. and sometimes i feel as if i don't let myself get to the end. i don't allow myself manifest the ultimate wishes, goals, desires...manifest my whole. why? because i am thinking more about filling the gaps of what 'seems' to be right for me and leaving the other small parts open and unfulfilled but yet those 'small' parts of me are the true reflection of my soul. it all clears out while putting it into words here on the blog. so simple...listen to your soul, listen to your soul is what they say...but in this world of the ruling Mind with big M, it is dangerous to let your soul out for it can be ripped apart by all those hungry and needy carnivores that beg for even a slight piece of peace, calmness happiness, creativity, passion that they can not get from themselves. luckily i was raised to grow up into this very naive and gentle being that hides underneath a tough looking and strong woman. a perfect combination to fight the enemy, but fight with love, compassion and positivity. totally unexpected tools of attack. my teachers are the most innocent and enlightened ordinary beings around me. my teachers are everywhere, because i can see them in everything. one who is awaken and searches for his teachers, they can be found. the one who is blind for it, he shall not see them even if they are standing in front of him waving their hands.
it is Sunday. the hot days are seemingly over or at least for today so i can again focus on things. seems like as if the heat and the power of the planet sun is kind of distracting us from being focused. today is the first day i feel calm and peaceful inside myself again as if waking from a chaotic dream of past few days. i love quiet moments in my home, with distant sounds of other families and friends doing their everyday things, with pleasant tingling sound of my dreamcatcher above my bed and my keyboard when i press letters of future words that are to be published on my blog. but it's quiet, so quiet. so fulfilling.
since i came from vipassana i have been sort of avoiding big crowds of people. i do not want to sound as if i this experience totally changed my life and that now i am enlightened or in any way better than someone who does not have this kind of experience, but the truth is... it changes you. even though i am not a perfect vipassana student now that i have come home and i do not practice my meditation everyday, i am different. and of course it is logical, if i would not change, what is the point of going to this kind of places. it is a beautiful thing. it is a comforting thing. knowing that there is a possibility that one can truly end the suffering, and all it takes is being with oneself and understand what is causing it. two hours of meditation per day, is that a high price to pay to be happy? is it? it is not! surely one must have self discipline to preserve this habit and to practice it everyday. but all this is nothing in comparison for what you get and how you feel afterwards. i get so overwhelmed talking and thinking about it. and i know all this shall pass, as everything else does. and that is the thing that we are to understand and accept. all this shall pass, nothing in this world remains and nothing is important. and thy truth is only your perception, if one is able to take the lenses off their eyes and just see thing as they are, it is the most precious gift we can give to ourselves. so simple. and yet so hard. are we able to get out of this box and at least have a peak over the edge? just for a moment, are we capable of percieving the world around us in a totally different manner? and after giving it a try and if realizing that it is the ultimate truth, can we let go of our previous beliefs and by that maybe needing to change our lives? it takes a strong will and commitment, but the reward is hundred times more precious. and after our decision, it is only what is natural and what we should have done long before, but were unable due to our scenario that was given to us by our ancestors, society. and one asks who am i? am i an individual? am i a part of a group? we are all individuals belonging to a greater oneness. when peace is seeded inside our hearts, the question vanishes. my individuum that was before my ego dies and what is left is my consciousness that is a part of oneness. i don't feel any need to identify myself with my body, things, situations, people...there is no fear that i will vanish and there will be no trace of me when my body dies. for there is only love. and love and compassion are energy and energy does not vanish. energy just transforms.
i wish may every person find this feeling inside him. in whatever way.
why is it so hard to accept things as they are. it is the one most simple thing in the world, and yet we can not manage to overcome our urge to change, evaluate, comment almost everything that happens in our lives.
many times i have come to this point, where i almost clearly understood with my heart what it means to accept the moment as it is and embrace it, but yet i did not manage to hold that feeling inside me for longer time. it always comes as a glimpse and quickly passes away. but it gives me hope. hope to continue doing what i do and searching the way i do, because i know that it is the exactly what i wish to achieve. i am a hunter. and my prey is that enormous overwhelming freedom that comes every now and then. i know i have my mistakes and i know i probably could do it some other way which would be easier and quicker..but then again, here i am again resisting the moment as it is, by evaluating my deeds as bad and not effective. one simple thing that i have come to a knowledge is that every time and i mean every time, when something happens that makes me feel overwhelmed or sad or nervous...simply out of balance..i take a deep breath and it helps. that is the first step. it is so funny how some things that i have read in the books or heard somewhere, are starting to come to practice in my daily OM as i might call it. after some time i realize that i actually do things subconsciously that are helping me reach my goal..and that is to become more in tune with myself. and i try to be alert and awake for every possible 'hint' that i can get that could help me achieve it. people always amaze me, but also amuse me. they are sometimes like my exercise tools for me to grow. what they do, affects me and i kind of just react to their actions and understand it as my exercise. it has nothing to do with them actually. it is as if i would be playing this game alone and all the people around me are my playground toys. this may sound very non personal but there is nothing bad in this. i simply try to erase the story behind it. and that story is often making us blind. and that story is too often addicting us from seeing clearly. hopefully the journey that i am taking now in two days will help me clear my way so that i can see clearly and hear what silence is telling me. ten days in silence, surely i will hear something.
there must be something seriously wrong with this world..or better said, with the society. because the way i see it, we are gasping for air..we are probably the only specie that is evolving towards its extinction. everything is turned upside down. aren't we supposed to go the other way. i mean it is not all so dark and grey, of course there is evolution going on, but at the same time we constantly need dangerous cliffs, over which we constantly are falling. we need radical situations to wake us up and make us go the other, safer way. why are there mostly smaller groups of people around that are starting doing something, before it is too late to save ourselves. why is it that the majority is always one step behind the minority?? is it so hard to look over the crowd, outside the box and realize that there is something more than only gasping..that we were actually made to breathe with full lungs, but in long period of time we simply forgot or what? we seriously need to learn how to breathe again. and i mean this metaphorically and metaphysically. stop. hello.
lately my life is one test after another..i know we should take responsibility for our actions and understand that things do not happen without us having call them into our lives..but it is amazing how open your mind has to be in order to have everything under control. and i do not mean control as if in controlling and managing everything that goes on around you, but to be able to understand it at the very first moment when situation emerges. to understand why certain things are happening and before you jump in it, to stop and have a moment of silence and just breathe, look around you and then act. if any action is needed at all. and when the moment comes, when one does not feel a need to say anything, because that situation already passed, and next NOW is here, and next NOW, and next....that is when you know what all those other people are telling you.
and this is what i am learning and accepting right now. it does not mean that i will never be upset or sad or disappointed. but it definitely means i will be disappointed less time and things and people will not upset or hurt me so many times. i really, really understand that now. i mean i still fight with my thoughts in my head. but i know what are they trying to push me into. so many times i want to say something, when i think someone is wrong or my opinion is completely different from other person..but less and less i actually say it. because if you think about it, it does not have any meaning at all, because i can already predict how the conversation will continue and i know i do not like the direction it is probably going to go. so i leave it there. i smile and look away.
because there is simply no need in having to share words if their meaning is totally misused. words are over ratted i have read somewhere. and i could not agree more. even when i write a blog i sometimes simply erase text, after all i am writing it for myself on the first place. and if by writing i clear stuff in my head that i had to resolve for my personal sake, it is not necessary to leave them written on screen. just like talking.
the deepest truths are found inside ourselves, and nobody can go there with you.
after a lot of noise there is always time for silence. i so honor these moments that i have only for myself. being able to just breathe silently and gently flow through the world, having no goal to reach or assignment to do. just walking with mere peace inside. and how quickly i forget how precious those moments are and how fulfilling. i am a person of sound and laughter, but i need silence and i need it badly. it is of course the simple law of balance. as this old capoeira song goes 'eu tenho balanço, eu sou mandingueiro' ...it is of course talking about completely different balance, but i am a mandinguiera of life and i know that balance is one of the crucial things for me to function normally. today i was at this bossa nova concert and it was as if someone would caress me with sound. and the beat was perfect, not to fast not to slow and the volume of the band was perfect..again my soul was starting to get that saudade feeling that i always get when i hear something that has to do with brasil. i know my heart is somewhere there. i just have to go and find it. and afterwards i meet this brasilian mestre and the words just came to me as if the language was mine. this deep connection is one of great mysteries in my life. and it's great to have some mystery. the unexplainable things make your mind active and fresh.
i wanted to talk about something completely else as it is going to turn out now. being in this search quest for the past year i have met some amazing and interesting people. and as it so happens i have met two more today. i know it was not an accident or coincidence of any kind, but more of a normal flow that i now give out to the world. i meet people that i want and they meet me. i was inspired and now i just had a moment of lost and found...and i am talking about my long forgotten poetic writing gift. i mean i am writing a blog all this time and i had kept a diary before that..but i have stopped writing poems and poetic texts as i had used to. and by today's meeting i got inspired. something woke up inside me again. my creativity was obviously sleeping for quite some time now. but i feel it has to come out. it is emerging and calling me to come and dig it out of my consciousness. i am thankful for this day. i am thankful for this people. and i am thankful that i am able to sense all this and understand it for only with this subtle senses i am able to evolve what was brought back to me.
limitless possibilities...what an unimaginable phrase. yet they've made a movie about it. it did make me think a lot about what a man is capable of. but i mean truly capable, without any chemical or natural substances. i believe in genius human consciousness..in all its glory and size! i really do. but i also believe that drugs can help you open a door or two for a quick look in that world, that is for a moment or maximum a couple of hours. i myself am not a big fan of drugs or even a user for that matter. i guess i just like to keep things under control and maybe in a way make it the hard way...also the safer one i think. but this movie was good in all aspects...showing the positive side of human capabilities that we actually all poses, we're just not aware of them...and the negative side of artificial stimulants..meaning what is not of human body and mind, shall never prevail because eventually the body will eject the intruder. even at the end of the movie one does not know, whether the man was telling the truth when he said he's clean and he just started to use his mind the way he did while on drugs, or was he still taking the magic pills that made his dreams come true.
the 'mistake' in the movie was only one thing...as the law of balance works...there can be no un-balanced energy that will last for long. that is exactly why quick business of any kind is also a quick failure. simply because there was too much of a potential on one side.
i would like to believe..as a matter of fact I DO believe that we are capable of doing this without any drugs and i can confirm that what you need is conscious awareness and a will that you want to change. one of important things that we forget is that wishing is not enough...pro-activity is a very important part of reaching a goal. and once you become proactive results start to show and opportunities to reach your goal appear. you may think it is merely a coincidence or you may call it luck..but the truth is that with your pro-activity you've made your way. and you never know where or how it might appear.
it was certainly a very inspiring movie..it actually made me FEEL i can do anything.
recently i am struggling with a doubt. i started to doubt in everything i know. but not in a way, that i am not smart enough or intelligent enough, but doubt in a way, that all that comes to me from outside is questionable in its value. everything is without value if it can not come from the inside out, from me, from my essence. in a way my past year was extroverted for i was so thirsty for knowledge and wisdom and spirituality..but all that is without any value if after reading a book, watching a movie or a documentary you are still the observer and a thirsty seeker that seeks onward. so many words have passed my head, and so little of them sticked. but at this point i feel that all this extroverted search has to turn inward and stop seeking, but arrive. As Eckart Tolle said in his book The stilness speaks "the nature of seeker is in its future goal" meanning that he who seeks, shall not find, for the answer is always in the Now, never in the future. and i know that i was always the one who seeks and the one who hopes for better future, for something to happen and always in the future. i tend not to get angry at myself as i've done so many times in my life, when i had a feeling that i've dissapointed myself. now i just try to smile and accept my so called 'mistakes'. there is always the Now where i can start over and over until i really understand that all that matters is already here.
i have been so much involved in my story. the big glorious story of love, dissapointment, betrayal, hate, truth and justice. i mean seriously, could i have been so blind that i have not foreseen that what i am doing is exactly what i shouldn't do in order to transcend old habits and feelings.
my story is my study case. a perfect example of my spiritual growth. and as i was already discussing many times, the only and best way to learn something for real is to experience it yourself. that means you have to face your innerself, without any external noise. and being said at the beggining that i doubt everything nowdays, i think there will be no better test for me as to stop in stillness and start listening to silence. without books, without movies, without conversations.
being gone through many situations where my emotional intelligence was put on test, I am in a period of my life where things and people are getting less and less of my attention and my energy. I believe it is not easy to accept the fact that being alone practically whole your life is simply one of life truths and not a drama that we should in any way analyze or discuss. i don't mean people should be alone alone...but i definetly stand behind the fact one should be able to bare his life without constant input from other beings, be it human or animal. i get really annoyed if someone expects from me my constant attention to his actions or words. i know people simply need to be noticed because otherwise they feel as if they're life has no meaning or something, but for heavens sake don't they realize with that they only show how poor they are in their souls. i believe when one is self sufficient in emotional sense inputs of any kind are unnecessary. don't get me wrong, i am certainly not saying that we should all just ignore one another, but that if i don't react or give attention to something, it doesn't mean i'm an evil or egocentric person or that i don't like or love that person. it doesn't! i don't know why is that so hard to understand. actually i know...because people tend to live they're lives based on opinions and expectations of others, not their own. sadly then people who try to oppose that and live according to they're own beliefs and ideas, no matter the public norms and expectation, are seen as social outcasts or egocentric, heartless and cold. we were thought that relationships are based on emotional bondage, meaning if one is not able to live without another, it must be true love and friendship. and that loyalty is only shown by giving all your time, attention and energy. i strongly believe those are tragic misconceptions of what a true relationship is and how emotionally mature people interact. no matter friendship or love relationship, there is no greater gift one can give to another, than freedom. and the greatest gift to yourself. by being able to see that all you feel inside yourself is based on your expectations towards others and no one is ever guilty for you feeling bad if someone acts in a way that is not in your scenario. i have been dissapointed, hurt, sad in my life many times. but lately i get less and less of those emotions or when i do, i spend less time analyzing them. there is not much point in doing that. the best thing to do is to accept what life brings and make the best of it.
we constantly put ourselves to tests, unknowingly or knowingly. with knowledge that we gain through our personal development, we tend to attract certain situations through which we practice what we preach so to say. and i find this an amazing procedure, amazing journey of testing and challenging our ego. it's often not a nice game we play, it gets dirty and it tends to hurt. but i say it is amazing because if you see after you pass the critical time, the actual progress you have made throughout your journey...you rejoy, for you are growing and as there is an old saying ''You live, you learn.'' so it is never over. neverending game.
i was put in many situations where i could practice my commitment to the Truth. i know, i know..Truth is overrated..but then again, EVERYTHING'S overrated! because we over rate. and if we don't...well, then it looses the importance and it doesn't matter anyway, so why bother with it. so, now i got a lesson in truth. i understand what i have to do, in order to have clear mind and peacefull soul...but what makes me sad is, that people around me like too often point fingers, because they are either hurt or unhappy or unsure. i decided i'm over with that. pointing fingers is for the weak. because it is so much easier, than to be quiet and process what the experience brought to you.
i was thinking what means being humble, where is the line when one should bend its head and not be potentiously proud, and where one should simply stand behind its own words and not let anything or anyone pass them. it is hard to be humble. but it is so much more rewarding what you get when you don't get your ego fight with another persons ego.
i have seen this game so many times in the last few weeks that i got simply fed up with this battle and i can not take it anymore. i find it repulsive and not worthy of my time, therefore i step away rather than enter the game. and one important thing i have come up with is that i am many times too judgemental towards myself. too hard on everything i do. as if i am not supossed to make a single mistake, because poeple might find that mistake and show it in front of my face and leave me speachless. but i know i am not in any way perfect and yet i am the most perfect as i can be, because there is no better me, than me. it is who i am, and through time i will change and step forward and nothing will be as it is here and now, because it can not be. and what is here and now, won't even matter then. because when i screw up something now, i will know better next time so nothing can be the same as it is. from every moment we are perfect. and things are as they are.
and last, but certainly not least...i understand one important thing at this moment. i need to be alone now. i need to explore, i need to rejoyce this miracle that was given to me and it's called life. i need to grow and seek, and discover and cry and laugh and be silent and sing. and i need my lungs and my head to be clear for all that, because i believe it is how i can get the most of it all. the potential that is still captured in me, needs to be opened by myself.thank you.
we are cameleons...we tend to change our colors, to adjust to a situation and a lot of times we are not even aware of it. as for me, i so easily and quietly adjust, that sometimes i surprise myself. just today i was thinking about it and realised that. so funny, especially when you counsciously observe the situation as an outside observer. and afterwards i also realised why we sometimes can feel alone even among other people. because we tend to mirror the surroundings inside us, and if the surrounding is not responding, we suddenly feel this emptiness. but the thing is, that this emptiness is a product of our own and not to be blamed on the surroundings. if one is complete in spiritual sense, there is not a single spot inside him, that is left empty and needs to be filled with some outter party. we often forget that or do not even know the reason for our loneliness. i think we should replace the pronounciation of the word loneliness into loan-liness, because it has higher discriptive meanning....we borrow a person or a situation to fill us in. and we expect it to last. but it can not last, since it is not our true nature, we just borrowed it. so eventually we have to be faced with ourselves. many times people just replace one loan after another because they simply can not bare to look deeper. but if you are ready and brave enough to look there, i can assure you, you shall find nothing but fullfilling emptiness of your true self.
i know sometimes people want to think that they're something that they're really not, or they want to be something they're really not. and i understand why we all sometimes feel like that. but idon't think that's being sincere to yourself. and not being truthfull to yourself, is not being truthfull to others around you. it hurts. seeing other person trying to be something it's not really him or her. i've stopped trying to change people around me, i don't care anymore. if we get along i accept that, but if not, there is only one thing i do..i step away from them. simple. makes sense and makes it easier. what's the point in having anykind of relationship if you feel it's not genuine. i don't have any problem with accepting people for who they are, i just don't feel any need anymore of attaching myself to anyone. and i find it hillarious and pathetic if i see someone that does. i knew there will come the time when i will slowly start to selectively pick my social network, by that meanning i will extract only the best of the best, the essence of the flower field. it's gonna sound funny what i'm about to say...but it said it in the book, this would happen. because when a person is no longer in need of outter reflections, because one is capable of recognising them at himself, he can slowly get bored by watching the same old situations which are not getting him anywhere. i admit i might seem a bit arogant at times, but i simply can not and will not get into a conversation if it doesn't interest me, or if i can see the deeper picture and don't like it. i don't simply follow conversations anymore. i analyse them on some other level. i can't explain, but what people say is often so irrelevant to me, because underneath all that crap they're saying just for something to be said...i feel and understand other things. and i can not go beyond that anymore now. sometimes i try, but it's not working...probably because i don't want it to work. i enjoy being me, and i don't really need anyone to enjoy it either. i'm not saying i don't need friends, of course i do! i love them and i wouldn't trade them for anything. i just wish people would start being more honest to themselves so that relationships of anykind would start to be more honest.
