every day is a new begining, and yet every day is a result of yesterday's doings. what i do today, i shall harvest tommorow. thus i live this moment rejoicing tommorow's harvesting. i do not wait for tommorow, it will come without my attention, i do not think about yesterday, for today is its fruit. what i want is always here and now, because i wanted it yesterday, it is here today. and if i harvest my crops with joy and in abundance, thus will be also tommorow's harvest. full of joy, happiness and freedom. but if i pick my fruit with anger and resentment, that will be what i produce for my future. my body knows my limits and my soul knows my deepest desires. together they guide me safely through the stroms of everyday. have faith in yourself for you are your own god. trust your emotions, for they guide you better than your sight and your smell. eyes can deceive you, if beauty is rotten in its core, and smell deceives you if an apple smells nice but is poisonous. but your emotions..they never let you down for what your soul tells you, it is what you really want. it doesn't mean you will one day not suffer, because of that, but worse is to regret something you have missed or did not do, than to be richer for an experience from which you have learned a lesson. open yourself to your soul. open the doors you have shut long ago. reconcile with yourself and you shall find peace. because everything will come back in order.
hello my sweet friend, blank page. hello my sweet sadness, my sweet loneliness. hello, hello. oh, i feel so nostalgic last few days. so fragile, so innocent. i am hiding behind big words and heavy songs, but no sound can reach the vast emptiness i feel inside. i guess it's time, it's time for something to happen. for something to move and to change. my soul is restless and i can feel it the moment i close my doors and rest in my bed. but there is no rest for me. dreams are constantly waking me up, waking my spirit and telling him long forgotten stories about the beginning of time. i am waking up in tears, because i am remembering. and when i am awake i am crying, because i can not tell anyone about it. i am alone.
a lonely dancer without a stage to dance on. what does it all matter anyway. talking and dreaming and writing and thinking, if living has no purpose. if my life is like a farce because i am too afraid to take chances, because i am a coward, hiding behind the comfortable everyday. but truly inside i am crying for freedom. crying because i know it is so complicated to explain it to anyone that i do not even try. and i have gotten used to my loneliness, too comfortable i sit within it. and when someone comes along trying to pull me out of my safety zone, all my alarms go ON! danger, danger...change is about to happen..alert! and immediately i freeze and jump back, lock my doors and curiously watch through the closed window what is going on outside. no risk, no disappointment, no problem. and everything is under control. my control. way to go, you brave girl. i love you so much.
it's been a while. changes are happening big time and other channels of expression opening for my creativity of writing which i have never enjoyed more than i do in this time. but yet, this is my personal blog and only here can i say thing or two about what's going on inside me. yet i am starting to question my existence. in a sense that my life is merely a farse with all the dramas that are happening at the moment. well now that i think about it, last 9 years there have always been some dramas, just not connected directly to me. i am trying so hard to see the big picture, because i simply don't believe that by doing good, you can attract bad. and i guess all this happening around me may be consequence of clearing my subconsciousness and letting go of things that have in the past prevent me from rising up and take my full potential. After getting to know certain people in my life that i feel so connected now, i have come across a book that was waiting for me. i have read a lot of them, and all of them were meant to be sent on my way..but i feel as if this last one is like the cherry on top! i also know that symbols in our lives are many times a product that we produce when wanting to see certain signs. but in this case...the book is telling me about things i have in past time experienced and sometimes not knowing or understanding them. it is clearing my picture, slowly but persistently. this book is about everything. it is about who am i. where have i come from. what is my purpose. what are my assignments. why my life is as it is and what is going to happen. and no matter how many books similar to this i have read...this one is special merely because i believe it even if i don't understand a lot of what is written. because within this exsistence on Earth inside my physical body, there are many things i can not yet understand. and i know i will in the future. i am calm. and at the same time i get this moments of fear of what is happening around me. the one thing that confuses me is, how exactly am i to manage my life if everything is just a story that has really nothing to do with who i truly am beneath all this layers. i know i was supposed to go through all this in order to understand the rest of the humanity, but now that i'm starting to wake up from this crazy dream i have thought of my life, i can no longer combine both worlds, both levels...it confuses me big time actually. i didn't even realise until now, how confusing all this is for me. i have always functioned without any particular guidance, but in this moment of my life is feel as if i truly am on a breakthrough point and i just don't know how to continue. for the first time i need guidance and i know that there is nothing bad in asking for one.
still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.
i know that after every overwhelming and intense state of mind, there comes a time when you subconsciously react to all that over-potential. To that i would also add my fast living during the week, and we have to have something to stop us and makes us start breathing normally. Sometimes i am seriously tired of my 'consciousness' for it brings me rather a burden than freedom, but then again i guess that is then not the right type of consciousness or what. i am tired of constantly being aware of everything that is happening around me, about always thinking about it and analysing what am i suppose to think now, how am i to react and why. this mind is still so strong that it makes me tired. and i know that sometimes the best time to be really free is when you're simply too tired to do anything so you just automatically let go and 'voila' there you have it, your breakthrough moment. but so far it hasn't happen to me yet, well in smaller intervals, but no long term reaction. i am still to eager to GET IT, that i probably won't still get it for some time. but that's the fun part...get what??understand what?? sometimes i don't know anymore. i feel lost. sometimes i just rather not think about anything and hide in my cosy bed, doing nothing, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. i guess it's when i am kinda getting my balance back. why is it that when i write, it is all so clear to me, it is as if i understand the order of this universe. but then in my real life i sometimes feel like i've failed on my exam. yeah sure, the theory is easy, you read a couple of books, you watch some videos on you tube and resolve some issues in your life and then think you have it all, you're on top of the world, better than those people from your past you ran away from. but are you really topshit material after all that?? hell no! because you still think about it, still think about them, you still compete in a way to be better, to laugh louder, to look more pretty, to have more friends, to wear prettier clothes. all that stupid stuff that will never make you truly happier and free. what a waste of energy. i guess in a way i expect too much from myself. when all i really need is focus on my inner self and resolve the unresolved, meaning LET GO of the past. with all the things i've already 'processed' in my life, i still have one big thing to work on. and until that one shall not be resolved i will probably never forgive myself. it is a paradox actually, being hurt by someone and then not forgiving yourself, because you are simply not capable of forgiving them. yes, i am a loud person, energetic in my everyday action...but how i wish to thrive that peacefulness that is so calming and secure. how i wish i would be able to gain it and keep it inside. i am a person of extremes and my biggest goal to achieve is to be able to constantly flow somewhere at least close to peaceful mind and have confidence that no matter what happens, i will always be strong enough to stay balanced.
to tell you honestly...i have this premonition. i don't know what it means and sometimes i am afraid of it. but the thing is that what i am trying to do in my life is to let life run through me and accept all the changes. practice what you preach i always say...and that is exactly my intention here. i am getting from theory to experiential level, we have to move in order to change anything. experience what life is really trying to tell you and believe that life always and forever only brings what is good for you. your life shall never do anything to harm you, if and when that happens we are doing it ourselves. we alone are preventing for things to happen to us. we alone are letting suffering come into our mind and body. it is essential to understand that if we want to move and change it. my premonition is getting stronger now and at the same time i am starting to do more things that i love in my life. things that make me happy, full of energy and give me inner strength. people that don't see me often say to me on the street i look good, i look strong, i look brave....why? how can they tell if they don't see me everyday and don't know what's going on in my life!? well, i will tell you how...because my inner strength reflects on my outside. and isn't that on it's own evidence that is strong enough to convince you i am doing the right thing, i am walking on the right path and knocking on right doors? what else do i need to prove me right? i am always saying to myself that i am getting there, but am not there yet. and sometimes i feel as if i don't let myself get to the end. i don't allow myself manifest the ultimate wishes, goals, desires...manifest my whole. why? because i am thinking more about filling the gaps of what 'seems' to be right for me and leaving the other small parts open and unfulfilled but yet those 'small' parts of me are the true reflection of my soul. it all clears out while putting it into words here on the blog. so simple...listen to your soul, listen to your soul is what they say...but in this world of the ruling Mind with big M, it is dangerous to let your soul out for it can be ripped apart by all those hungry and needy carnivores that beg for even a slight piece of peace, calmness happiness, creativity, passion that they can not get from themselves. luckily i was raised to grow up into this very naive and gentle being that hides underneath a tough looking and strong woman. a perfect combination to fight the enemy, but fight with love, compassion and positivity. totally unexpected tools of attack. my teachers are the most innocent and enlightened ordinary beings around me. my teachers are everywhere, because i can see them in everything. one who is awaken and searches for his teachers, they can be found. the one who is blind for it, he shall not see them even if they are standing in front of him waving their hands.
it is Sunday. the hot days are seemingly over or at least for today so i can again focus on things. seems like as if the heat and the power of the planet sun is kind of distracting us from being focused. today is the first day i feel calm and peaceful inside myself again as if waking from a chaotic dream of past few days. i love quiet moments in my home, with distant sounds of other families and friends doing their everyday things, with pleasant tingling sound of my dreamcatcher above my bed and my keyboard when i press letters of future words that are to be published on my blog. but it's quiet, so quiet. so fulfilling.
since i came from vipassana i have been sort of avoiding big crowds of people. i do not want to sound as if i this experience totally changed my life and that now i am enlightened or in any way better than someone who does not have this kind of experience, but the truth is... it changes you. even though i am not a perfect vipassana student now that i have come home and i do not practice my meditation everyday, i am different. and of course it is logical, if i would not change, what is the point of going to this kind of places. it is a beautiful thing. it is a comforting thing. knowing that there is a possibility that one can truly end the suffering, and all it takes is being with oneself and understand what is causing it. two hours of meditation per day, is that a high price to pay to be happy? is it? it is not! surely one must have self discipline to preserve this habit and to practice it everyday. but all this is nothing in comparison for what you get and how you feel afterwards. i get so overwhelmed talking and thinking about it. and i know all this shall pass, as everything else does. and that is the thing that we are to understand and accept. all this shall pass, nothing in this world remains and nothing is important. and thy truth is only your perception, if one is able to take the lenses off their eyes and just see thing as they are, it is the most precious gift we can give to ourselves. so simple. and yet so hard. are we able to get out of this box and at least have a peak over the edge? just for a moment, are we capable of percieving the world around us in a totally different manner? and after giving it a try and if realizing that it is the ultimate truth, can we let go of our previous beliefs and by that maybe needing to change our lives? it takes a strong will and commitment, but the reward is hundred times more precious. and after our decision, it is only what is natural and what we should have done long before, but were unable due to our scenario that was given to us by our ancestors, society. and one asks who am i? am i an individual? am i a part of a group? we are all individuals belonging to a greater oneness. when peace is seeded inside our hearts, the question vanishes. my individuum that was before my ego dies and what is left is my consciousness that is a part of oneness. i don't feel any need to identify myself with my body, things, situations, people...there is no fear that i will vanish and there will be no trace of me when my body dies. for there is only love. and love and compassion are energy and energy does not vanish. energy just transforms.
i wish may every person find this feeling inside him. in whatever way.
