routine vs. change

fresh starts with old things and people, that's what i call ultimate recycling. been a while since i've written any thing here, but i've been quite busy with my other stuff. but then i've asked myself what are you doing, for who, is it worth it..where are you? i have a slight feeling i might have forgotten about myself for a moment. so today, on this quiet sunday morning i have clicked here to my good old blog, the first of many i have and i am dedicating myself 5 minutes of attention.

so many things are happening i don't even keep up with them, but yet it seems sometimes i don't really move anywhere. i keep looping in the same round. same people, same things, same thoughts...for a moment there i would be happy for something to change. change. change. change. 

can you believe that someone can be bored in the middle of the war going on? yeah well, that's me. bored in a way that i am really sick and tired of same old, same old challenges i have to master. because when i stick to one for too long, i simply don't find the thrills anymore.

i am a funny human actually. it is in my character to have to have things under control and in place, but on the other side i get so bored by routine. some people can simply go on an on with the same paths, same people, same jobs. me? no way! i know it's contradictory, but that is how i feel. 

another thing is about me and people in my life. the close ones. the closest ones. being in a relationship now it was a storm and a half when he came into my life. he came slowly and rather smoothly, but yet i was terrified of what will happen, and how will his presence change my ways. because i love my ways. and i am so greateful for his patience, for his understanding, and i admire him so much for he has changed so much. and i know he is changing for me too. because he loves me. and that's what amazases me the most. actions of devotion and love. he is in a way my teacher. because he teaches me how to overcome my ego. i see now how different it is to read about something and think you understand, and how that differs from actions and situations in which you have to put all that into real life. a big challenge for me. 

hide under your own shadow

i started to speak and act exactly the way i feel in that particular moment. i was trying to see if i can really be free of all the social paradigms and rules, to see how it feels to be FREE. and it is absolutely amazing! of course i still have a long way to go, and i am not completely free at all, but at least i am trying to verbally express my thoughts.
the second thing is, that i see people don't take me seriously. because of course they are not used to recieving the truth from another being. and they think everything is just words and jokes. but the funny part is that they're not. so you see, i am telling them the truth, and they think i am not. what a paradox. but when i draw the line, i think it is the best thing i can do to myself nevertheless. being truthfull is sometimes hard, but also liberating. and what is more precious than letting go of that heavy burden on our mental backs. you should definitely try it yourself!

change is good.

it is simply not enough, all that i do. still not enough to make me feel quiet. i'm restless. i'm like a shark that needs to move, or else it dies. i need new ideas, i need new fresh wind inside my lungs. every moment, time and time again....restless is my soul. i'm afraid of this power inside me. i'm afraid something might happen, that i really, really want. what would my life be, if i had it all. i feel the glimpse of that freedom and i'm scared for where it might take me. and it always comes to me every once in a while, when i spend a couple of days at home. usualy it is due to illness. and people say to me, get rest, you work too much, you have too many things in your life. reduce your life to less things and take care of your health. really?? reduce my life to work and my house? you're kidding me? please tell me, that you don't really mean that. with all this energy that starts to boost inside of me i should quietly ignore it and sit still in my office!? is that how it works?
and my illness..is it really due to my overcrowded schedule? or is it because the schedule is set on wrong basis? maybe i just need to change something, not reduce, but change? change is good right? change is good. it gives me hope. so much hope and so much new energy. i want to change.

free

every day is a new begining, and yet every day is a result of yesterday's doings. what i do today, i shall harvest tommorow. thus i live this moment rejoicing tommorow's harvesting. i do not wait for tommorow, it will come without my attention, i do not think about yesterday, for today is its fruit. what i want is always here and now, because i wanted it yesterday, it is here today. and if i harvest my crops with joy and in abundance, thus will be also tommorow's harvest. full of joy, happiness and freedom. but if i pick my fruit with anger and resentment, that will be what i produce for my future. my body knows my limits and my soul knows my deepest desires. together they guide me safely through the stroms of everyday. have faith in yourself for you are your own god. trust your emotions, for they guide you better than your sight and your smell. eyes can deceive you, if beauty is rotten in its core, and smell deceives you if an apple smells nice but is poisonous. but your emotions..they never let you down for what your soul tells you, it is what you really want. it doesn't mean you will one day not suffer, because of that, but worse is to regret something you have missed or did not do, than to be richer for an experience from which you have learned a lesson. open yourself to your soul. open the doors you have shut long ago. reconcile with yourself and you shall find peace. because everything will come back in order.

brave coward

hello my sweet friend, blank page. hello my sweet sadness, my sweet loneliness. hello, hello. oh, i feel so nostalgic last few days. so fragile, so innocent. i am hiding behind big words and heavy songs, but no sound can reach the vast emptiness i feel inside. i guess it's time, it's time for something to happen. for something to move and to change. my soul is restless and i can feel it the moment i close my doors and rest in my bed. but there is no rest for me. dreams are constantly waking me up, waking my spirit and telling him long forgotten stories about the beginning of time. i am waking up in tears, because i am remembering. and when i am awake i am crying, because i can not tell anyone about it. i am alone.


a lonely dancer without a stage to dance on. what does it all matter anyway. talking and dreaming and writing and thinking, if living has no purpose. if my life is like a farce because i am too afraid to take chances, because i am a coward, hiding behind the comfortable everyday. but truly inside i am crying for freedom. crying because i know it is so complicated to explain it to anyone that i do not even try. and i have gotten used to my loneliness, too comfortable i sit within it. and when someone comes along trying to pull me out of my safety zone, all my alarms go ON! danger, danger...change is about to happen..alert! and immediately i freeze and jump back, lock my doors and curiously watch through the closed window what is going on outside. no risk, no disappointment, no problem. and everything is under control. my control. way to go, you brave girl. i love you so much.

peak point

it's been a while. changes are happening big time and other channels of expression opening for my creativity of writing which i have never enjoyed more than i do in this time. but yet, this is my personal blog and only here can i say thing or two about what's going on inside me. yet i am starting to question my existence. in a sense that my life is merely a farse with all the dramas that are happening at the moment. well now that i think about it, last 9 years there have always been some dramas, just not connected directly to me. i am trying so hard to see the big picture, because i simply don't believe that by doing good, you can attract bad. and i guess all this happening around me may be consequence of clearing my subconsciousness and letting go of things that have in the past prevent me from rising up and take my full potential. After getting to know certain people in my life that i feel so connected now, i have come across a book that was waiting for me. i have read a lot of them, and all of them were meant to be sent on my way..but i feel as if this last one is like the cherry on top! i also know that symbols in our lives are many times a product that we produce when wanting to see certain signs. but in this case...the book is telling me about things i have in past time experienced and sometimes not knowing or understanding them. it is clearing my picture, slowly but persistently. this book is about everything. it is about who am i. where have i come from. what is my purpose. what are my assignments. why my life is as it is and what is going to happen. and no matter how many books similar to this i have read...this one is special merely because i believe it even if i don't understand a lot of what is written. because within this exsistence on Earth inside my physical body, there are many things i can not yet understand. and i know i will in the future. i am calm. and at the same time i get this moments of fear of what is happening around me. the one thing that confuses me is, how exactly am i to manage my life if everything is just a story that has really nothing to do with who i truly am beneath all this layers. i know i was supposed to go through all this in order to understand the rest of the humanity, but now that i'm starting to wake up from this crazy dream i have thought of my life, i can no longer combine both worlds, both levels...it confuses me big time actually. i didn't even realise until now, how confusing all this is for me. i have always functioned without any particular guidance, but in this moment of my life is feel as if i truly am on a breakthrough point and i just don't know how to continue. for the first time i need guidance and i know that there is nothing bad in asking for one.

for-give yourself first

still stuck in what seems to be yet another interval of self pity and being lost in vast lands of obsessive thinking. and it came only on 5th day of my isolation from everyday rush. obviously the world has got me pretty much messed up in its tempo, so all the genuine and important things are deeply rooted inside and need at least 5 days to come to the surface. or is it just another random attack of my unresolved fears that i've been pressing down and avoiding to face them. i am alone in this world. it is a fact rather than anything else to me. and i know it is only myself that can overcome all the deep sh** that i still keep deep down under inside myself. i just feel that i need more time, more time...which noone is giving to me. the world around me just moves on, never asking if i am perhaps ready to step back on track and go with the flow. and it is clear to me what is happening to me and why, but it is just so damn hard to accept that all that i have been giving importance to, is not really that important in the bigger picture. is it possible that i am just so egocentric that i don't see outside the box of my own story around which my life evolves? is it possible that i've missed a lesson that i was giving to many others about letting go and living your moment accepting it as it is. maybe. but why on earth i could still cry over that story that happened nearly 2 years ago. why do i still feel defeated? why are all my struggles motivated by the lowest intention possible, that is to be better than someone else, to prove to myself that i can do it on my own, that i am a strong and confident self sufficient woman in no need of any deeper human relationship. did i really fail? and by that who did i fail? others or myself? who is my biggest enemy if not myself. and who is my greatest friend who's love is unconditional if not me. and from my alterego, am i not the one, that could learn the most?
never before was i so much looking forward in spending entire sunday meditating in silence. i am grateful for this sitting, i hope it brings me peace.