photo by spsit's one of those nights when i have the luxury to stay up late and get in touch with myself. i already wanted to switch off the c0mp and go to sleep but watching the blog of one of my ex-boyfriends made me think to write a post on my own blog.
today i was at a volleyball match and my ex was shooting photos there. it made me go back in time. remember things. and then also a long almost forgotten friend found me on one ofmy profiles. so i guess today is a day to remember old stuff. sometimes when i try to find reasons why my life went as it did, why certain things happened as they did and not in any other way... i kinda understand that they had to happen to me, because i did some stuff in my past, so now they're coming back to me. you know what they say... if you do something bad, it will return to you twice as bad. and it does, i swear. so now i really try to do stuff that don't harm anyone in any sense. but the most important thing from all of this is to be honest.
so anyways... i was writting this message to Maša, the friend that went to live in Australia after spending months on a ship working and then meeting there the love of her life that is now her husband. and they will live happilly ever after... and while i wrote this message i realised how many things i did in this realtively short time since she's gone. and i feel sometimes as if nothing is ever moving on!? i guess we have to do this sort of things to remind ourselves where were we and what have we become. we do change, just that sometimes we need more time to realise how.
i'm reading a book called The society of spectacle. it is a frightening book if you think about it. it talks about our society and how we live and yet we don't actually live our lives. we are observers of an spectacle that is going on in front of us, taking our lives, our time, our money, our souls. it may seem dramatic, but it is so. i started to observe the world i live in with more openned mind and openned eyes. we have to sometimes just become observers of your society so that we can see what is actually going on.
today when i was at a volleyball match there was this huge mass of people all cheering for their team. i experimented with my perception... in one moment i was like all the other euphoric cheering crowd and in the next moment i froze inside and just observed all the chaos. i felt strange. i felt as if right there, right then i was in the middle of my life spectacle. it was a strong comparison with our lives in general. i was scared you know. scared that there are all this huge masses of population not aware of what has been done to them, is still done to them.... but then again.. my fear is real! there are this masses... and i'm just one little tiny piece of it... where are the other invisible pieces that sometimes do go beyond this spectacle to take a deep breathe and stop all this pharse!?
this is for today... can not hold it any longer, i'm too tired, i have to switch off!
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