roles...

i sometimes have a lack of motivation for doing stuff, well you all know how that is..i guess it happens to everybody. my problem is that i always want to be good in anything i try and if i don't achieve satisfying results in short time i quit. but don't get me wrong, it's not like i wanna be better than other people i don't compare with others, but i compare with myself (if that's even possible) and if i think i'm not good enough (good enough for what?) i stop doing it. i've often thought about why is this so and i kinda came to one answer. this could sound very cliché, but i'll blame it on my parents, particularly on my dad. he's the one that has always been expecting a lot from us. in anything i did i had to be good in order to recieve some notice, of course nothing was ever good enough. and anything i picked to do in my childhood (and still now) is just a bunch of bullshit to him. but the problem is that he often has no idea of whatsoever what is it that i do. i'm not saying he's always done the wrong thing in my education and all.. for example he gave me this idea in my head that i had to stand out from the crowd, which i find good, but the bad side of his education was that you always have to prove yourself to him. and i find that absolute nonsense. not then and not now i have no intention to prove myself to him, if i ever did so, i did it subconciously. i don't find it necesary for me or him to do it.
i believe that his desire originates in himself, not in us. because of what he never achieved in his life, he now is passing his unfulfilled wishes to his children. not necesarily the exact same things...but simply the fear of non succes of failure. i can not explain his behaviour in any other way than this.
i know i'm not a professional psychologist or anything, but i'm almost sure that i didn't miss my point a lot. i mean there has to be a logic explanation why would a parent constantly call his own children losers and making them feel nonusefull, unsuccesful and stupid!?! i'm glad i have so much brains in my head to have come to this conclusion and can now live like a normal and selfconfident person.

but think about all those children that are serious victims of their own parent mental abuse. it's not only this, there are many, many ways of how parents can metally abuse their children, i know some of them cause they are happening to me. so i'm often thinking what a responsible role it is to be a parent. a lot o people don't realise that. they just bring all their traumas and fears on to their little creatures.
uf, it's a hard theme i've brought on... i didn't even know i will write about it. many times when i start to write my blog i don't know what i'll write about. this time i was looking at the picture that is posted at the top of the blog, it is my sister sitting on the staircase of a church reading a book. i love her. and i love my little bro too. he's not that little anymore though, he's turnning 18 on saturday. oh sure..he's gonna be so responsible from then on..just as i was and my sister was! =) hehehe! we're still kids and i'll always be their older sister officially. but sometimes i changed the roles in the family and i became the parent of them both. but i guess that's another hard debate. i'll leave it for some other time.