fear

i seriously need to stop poisoning myself. but the fact is that i have no idea of who am i anymore...i just started to cry, out of nowhere...the cup just filled and tears started to pour down my face. i am scared. all that is happening to me, is it real or am i just living an illusion of something i want to believe in. but i don't even know what i believe anymore. i don't know anything anymore. the more i dig, the clearer things seem to appear at one moment...the next it hits me really hard as it just did and i crush! not even knowing why. at what point will i clearly distinguish where, what, when and why?

i know we have to attain consciousness all the time for it is not there to stay once you understand its meanning...but am i really so fragile that out of nowhere this pain and confusion and fear comes and just BANG takes me on the ground!? yeah, great excuse...it's just your ego....but obviously it still rules over me so strongly that i end up being all lost and crying like a baby. i feel so stupid sometimes because i'm so convinced that i've found something bigger which then hits me back with such a strong punch straight in my face that i can not recover for long time. and i know life consists of ups and downs, for if it would only go up...one could end as a monsterous creature of unimaginable size. maybe that's my problem...that i get so scared when i'm feeling down as if i've lost something i've already found and now it has been taken away from me...and that is exactly my ego talking!

we learn..every day, every minute we learn...if we want to of course. i am learning.... how to surrender....again i cry...for i don't know how to surrender, because i am scared. but the funniest thing is, i have no idea what am i scared of. can you think of a more stupid thing...being scared of not knowing what...

dear divine oneness....please let me surrender without fear....for i intend to search on....i am not giving up!