the question

what can i say... I guess the story works for me. but does it really? does suffering means that it works for me, for anyone? somehow I doubt that. i mean seriously, i am amazed over the enormous capacity of our body and mind that can take so much negativity and suffering. because we all know, we suffer as long as we can take it and as long as we don't learn the lesson. but if i am aware that i myself can change that condition which i do not feel pleasant in, why not do it? what am i waiting for. and why am i constantly adding new and new tests just to see if i'm already there. where? i don't know...where am i going? maybe that's the problem, cause i want to go somehere instead of just being here and now. sometimes i just have a feeling i can not resemble between my ego and the consciousness. ego is so very smart that it can fool you, and considering my life before i started to consciously listen and observe and i now know was etremely conditioned by ego, i sometimes suspect that my ego is still very much trying to convince me how i am not ready yet to be enlightened, that i have to wait a little more, to suffer a little more. but that all is in total contrast to what the truth is, that the only time one can be enlightened is here and now and nowhere else at any other time.

yesterday evening i realised that i am scared. and i started to almost cry, which i haven't done since long time. i am so scared, but the problem is that i don't know exactly of what. could it be, that i am scared of letting go all of what i now believe to be and to be free. if that is so, then i am certainly still deeply in my egoic mind which is trying to attach me to my story, to my conditioned state of living. you see, that is why i have to write my blog...because here my thoughts get clearer and i can easily see what's going on inside me. i'm not saying that i know the solution immediately, but it certainly helps to audit what is going on within me. so, now i have to work on my fear. they say, one should do at least one thing that scres you every day. today i did one, but afterwards i wasn't feeling any better, actually i was feeling worse, as if all past fears and pain and feelings would come back. so now i don't know if i did that because i wanted to free myself from that fear, or because i am still clinging on my past and am not capable of letting go. i don't know how to let go, i don't know how to accept the now....i just don't know.

and then on the other hand...these wierd things are happening to me. i've had an experience that i don't know how to describe. it happened to me a couple of times before already, and yesterday again. it usually happens when i'm in bed. the thing i find strange is, that i thought this can only happen when one is totally present and without thoughts in his mind. but i wasn't in that state, i was full of fears, doubts, thoughts, pain....and suddenly i felt as if i am not present in my body. i didn't feel where my body is, couldn't find it. i knew of course that i'm on my bed, but when i was trying to locate it with my senses...i just wasn't there. as if my consciousness would move out of my body and float somewhere across the room. it felt funny and strange, but at the same time it was an overwhelming experience. and i didn't want to return to my body. i tried a couple of times, but every time i got close to returning i sort of stopped. because the truth is i didn't want to go back. and now i'm asking myself why i didn't want to go back? and it's a damn good question.