laugh is always better than no laugh

i wanted to write something a bit more positive today, since last posts were quite downturning. today way a good day. despite problems i have at work i managed to put that aside on my way home and enjoyed my ride. while i was waiting for my bus i was filling myself with sunrays that were pouring from the sky straight into my eyes and almost made me blind. but i didn't want to resist for they may be last bits of sun this year. i wanted to charge myself like a battery and save some of that energy for foggy and cold autumn days when they come. and of course thoughts were slidding in my head up and down, as usual...and one of those thoughts was about a girl i once hosted when she was couchsurfing in Ljubljana. i wanted to hear from here, since she recently moved to live here in Slovenia from Hungary. and what happened 5 minutes later...i pick my phone and she's calling me! and that was not the only event like that today, i've had at least two of a kind in the morning. and then i started thinking about that book i've read...about Transurfing. it's happening to me in many cases that i'm experiencing events and 'coincidences' ike this one...i just don't notice them. and the thoughts i linger on...they are fading away. exactly as he book is saying. and i'm not telling you that suddenly i believe every word of every book i read, but i certainly believe in what is happening to me everyday. where i find it hard to handle is the thoughts and feelings i can't get rid of and i hold on to. and i'm kinda hard on myself in that way. sometimes it's a curse if you know so much theory but you suck at practical part! and i fel that's exactly where i am now. i was already thinking if it's maybe a good idea that i just stop reading and don't think about all those books and movies and audio books i've listened to..and i realised i was a little scared by that thought, because i felt i would lose the guidance i think i need in order to understand the way things work and how to run my life. but just as i'm writting this i have come to a conclusion that i HAVE to stop for a while in order to introvert and start listening to myself and then create what i want, what i really want. to get my soul and mind into balance.



yesterday i was talking to someone i really care about. it made me think about my attachment to that person and all the things i've learned in the past year, about myself, about life, about other people. i don't see attachement as a bad thing, but the question is...how much attachement is TOO MUCH attachement you know? i don't know. it's tricky! i once thought i got it all under control when i was with a guy, but on the end i realised it was not so. i was completely crashed because he left. and i think i'm kinda afraid this might again happen when i won't be watching myself. i was observing my friend that was single longer than me, almost 3 years, and she enjoyed her single life which i totally support but i was always telling her, she should also not be afraid of letting someone close, because that's nothing bad. and now...i am in a way afraid of losing something i've worked hard for. but on the other hand...my freedom is something that can not be taken from me, unless i let it be taken. who i am, cannot be taken from me...because from what i have gone through in these 28 years, i've realised i am the only one that can handle me, that can comfort me, love me, hate me, judge me, care for me. sure it's great if you have someone next to you, but you can never expect someone else to carry your burden, live your life, dream your dreams and feel your happiness. and when i'll meet someone that will be able to share that kind of view and i will also be able to live with that in my mind next to someone i know our energies will merge into even greater one, but yet stay apart and let each other breath. but nevertheless....it's not about that anyway, i ain't searching because these things happen.

cry me a river

i know why my current experiences are important, my mind knows it all. but yet i feel so helpless, i hate this feeling. it's like as if i have no influence of whatsoever upon what is happening to me right now. and i'mnot even capable of just letting go and surrender, because i think my life is going to slip away, to fall apart. but i also in a way want it to fall apart i guess. because i want to see what happens when you have nothing, you are not attached to anything, anyone and all you care about is not carring cause it's the only way of freeing yourself. but the more i try, the more attached i get i think. i mean i wanted just to go with the flow to see what time brings...but i think i'm losing control over what i want to have control over the most, my feelings.

i hope that the changes that are waiting for me in these 2 weeks will really bring me something to hope for, because i feel that it can either bring me down to the ground zero...or i can get lifted and start floating in unlimited zone of my own reality.

few days ago i've realised that we should be afraid of people that don't cry. i never understood people who don't cry, but now i know i don't want to be close to anyone that can not cry. and i'm not saying that because i used o cry a lot, more than i do now. i'm saying it because i know tears do help, they don't help you solve the problem...but that is not always the point. tears help you survive and heal your feelings. the solution in the manifestation,but the tears are more important on emotional level. i'm not saying we should cry like rivers all the time, but when the big heavy ball inside your chest is so big it hurts, you have to let it out first and then continue to think about resolving the problem.

twelve sets of opposite characteristic

' Twelve sets of opposite characteristics are:

keeping silent — talking
receptivity — resistance to influence
obeying — ruling
humility — self confidence
lightning-like
speed — circumspection
to accept everything — to be able to differentiate
ability to fight — peace
caution — courage
to possess nothing — to command everythingto
have no ties — loyalty
contempt for death — regard for life
indifference — love


(Initiation by Elizabeth Haich)

(a)head of time

i think we sometimes forget, we are all humans and we are so much alike, even if we try to be different from the others. i don't know if that is supossed to be comforting of discouriging. but what i've meant to say is that no matter what you may think of another human being on the first look..it may be so far away from the truth. i have come to a notion that everybody around me, has problems, has personal issues, family issues, problems with self confidence and i could just go on and on. on the end i'm no different from anyone i thought is sooo happy, or careless or smart or brave or confident. yeah i know, it's sad, that i am now feeling better, because i know everybody around is going through the same shit as i am...but i actually don't care. it just kinda helps me accept myself, i don't care about the others really. funny though how my friend told me today while talking on the phone that she can not believe how can i NOT be happy with my life, ME the always smilling, happy, careless me? and i really had a good laugh! in these past few days i'm starting to think i'm being too hard on myself. expecting too much from myself and then when i'm not achieving it, being dissapointed over myself. how stupid is that? so, i've decided i'm gonna start going easy on myself and let me do some slips here and there. i know i'm being too hasty many times, but it's how i am. i want things move fast when i get them into my head.


recently i'm having this feeling that time is running out for me. i don't know why, because i'm always the one that doesn't give a crap about age. and i'm not really worried about my personal age or anything, but about losing that sparkle i have inside and keeps me going on...i don't know why i'm afraid i'm gonna loose it in a couple of years and i'm gonna end up cranky and old, not achieving anything. and here we are again? achieving what? what does it mean that you've achieved something in your life? how do we measure achievement? can someone please tell me? again we are caught in this social boundaries, expectations and limits...and if you ask me...well, i think you already know my opinion. GET RID OF THAT ALREADY!! saying it to my friends, saying it to my family, and saying it to myself hundred times per day...but is it enough? does it really have an impact? i don't know, i hope so, i sincerely hope it does! because that is one of the key solutions to start getting back in touch with our inner guidance we all forgot about! inner guidance, remember it everytime you are making a decision. it knows all the answers already. i don't mean to insult anybody here, but people who believe in all sorts of gods..well, in my opinion they are just not willing to take responsibility for their lives. i know it is damn hard to be your own god, to listen to yourself..but as hard as it is at the beggining of that journey, the easier it is later on i think. because you know that you, yourself made a decision and now the consequences are fully under your responsibility, so suma sumarum YOU are the master of your life.


anyways, back to that lack of time issue i've started with in previous paragraph. my friend pointed out a very interesting fact when i told her how i feel. and i would agree with her on that. i am fully accepting the fact that we as a society are going through some major changes on an energy level. no matter if you are or not a spiritual person, everybody is saying that these are wierd and hard times. i have no intention of announcing some armaggedon or anything like that, but i know that something is changing, because i'm feeling it. so, my feeling of lack of time may be connected to this fact. i don't know, just a thought. but this thought makes me think what should i do now. what is my role here? i discussing theories on this subject? i believe we all should, as they say, ''walk the talk''.... but i have a feeling i'm not very good at it. i hope i do inspire people to become more open for new ideas, new ways of thinking, to allow the fact that current ways of lives we're living can be dramatically changed if we change our ways of thinking and living them more conscious....but then again, why should i be all about telling people what is going on inside me, what i think is good for us, for human race, how i think we should live...and i won't aks if you think i'm right or wrong, because the question is irrelevant. it's just about being intro or extro, that's what's confusing. i mean writing this blog for me started as strictly introverted act. and it basically still is, but all of a suden i realised that few people once in a while actually read this, and what i did...well, i guess i started reffering to them in my posts. wrong!? yes, from my point of view totally wrong. and deleting posts because people see themselves in my posts and don't like what they read...totally wrong again. thin line between intro and extro. i guess i can be totally introverted in my posts, but at the same time this blog is so extroverted that you can hardly get it more extroverted except if you're on a cover of a daily newspaper.


today my head is really full, i had no idea it was so full. haha, what does it even mean to have a full head? that yoou're possesed by ego? that you have a really large brain size? that your mind flow is so fast you can not keep a trace on the processes inside? i have no idea...but i know that when my head is too full, it's better for me to stop writting.

i once said to the guy that was the love of my life, years after we broke up, that i'm so happy that i've met him, because now i don't go walking around the world searching for love of my life anymore as many lost souls around me do. and by that i don't mean, that my soul is not lost or anything, because the way i see life now is so much different than back then...but i wanted to use this analogy to point out the relation between a wish, a desire and dettachment from it. when we desire something and we are eager for something, it almost always flows away. that is, if our desire is too strong. that is also why many people don't meet so called 'love of their lives'...because they are always in search for it. you wanna know where i've met him...on a fucking train to Belgrade, travelling to Turkey on my own. never would have expected it, THAT'S WHY it hit me there in that moment. i won't go into details why and when it all started to go wrong, but i can surely tell you from my point it was because i got too attached to him. again...attachment, desire.
i once thought i have so much love inside me, nobody on this earth could bare and on the end it came true, always. too much of everything...and the forces had to balance that in someway...so they pulled the object of desire away, to balance me. i know now, that matter can not exist if there is no antimatter...it simply can't. and the energy doesn't think whether something is good or bad for us, the energy just seeks balance, and where there is a situation of unbalanced energies, it simply has to act. nothing personal, just balance! ;)
today, i have no expectations of whatsoever from this guy anymore, and he came back into my life. i believe we truly are very much alike, but i'm not attached to the idea, that's why i can keep him around i guess. and if not, that's okay too. that's called being in tune with the flow. i wish i could be in tune like that all the time, but it seems so hard sometimes.

cool up'ses VS. collapses

here i am again. trying to get set for launching myself into the world. but then the world hits me back and i land hard facing the ground. so, what's going on...well, you know, been there, done that, read a couple of books...then first you fly, you get high...and then kabo0oo000m, shazaAaaAAm my world colapsed. for three days i'm re-evaluating my life, my priorities, passions, desires, goals...my friends are worried, they say i read too much of 'those' books'...but i'm sure i'm on the right way. obviously every way is not the right one, since we all have our ways, but you can also say there are no wrong ways, because we all choose what we choose. i already know that conotations of wrong and right are subjective and depend from the point of the viewer.
so, let's get down to business because i want to share my discoveries with you who will find it interesting. i've came across a book about transurfing. on the beggining the word itself attracted my attention, but after reading first couple of pages i was all in, from top to bottom, with my soul, and my mind. and it's got 3 parts...so now you may start to understand why i'm sinking deeper and deeper. anyways, this guy Vadim Zeland talks about transurfing. it's a technic with which each one of us can transform life. from my words it may sound like a floscule, but nevermind what it sounds like. i think the trilogy is definetly worth reading. i find a lot of similarities with Eckart Tolle and that's maybe why i found it easy to understand. for someone who never read Tolle or Dyer or similar authors, the books of Zeland would be a total surprise and hard to understand or maybe not. i'm not the one to judge, i'm just a messenger of something i believe it has enormous potentials for human kind. Zeland is also a physics so his language has this scientific like approach from time to time, and maybe that's what makes him so appealing, because we all now how posessed by rational mind we all are. Tolle calls it ego, Zeland calls it mind. Tolle says we should shut down our ego, Zeland talks about listening to a rustle of morning stars...but on the end...it's all the same, it's all the same.

and now you wanna know about my 3 day journey into myself? well, i don't know what's the use. if you want to know what i've discovered, take a look inside you. probably you'll discover the same, but at the same time your own version of it! and that's what's it all about according to Zeland. Our life has inumerous versions. we just have to pick the one we want. that's the main difference between me being happy and satisfied with myself, and me not being happy, working my guts off for my happiness which on the end doesn't come. in paralell universes exist versions of everything, so why not pick the best case scenario for ourselves? the catch is also in what Zeland calls PENDULUMS. and we all know it...we just don't have a word for it and don't see it as a potential 'danger' to our soul. pendulums are all kinds of massive, collective consciousnesses that keep us asleep, that praise our minds and egos, but take our life force, life energy. without us, they don't exist. i will not go into details for it is just too much of everything. just try to find out for yourself.

the last thing i wanted to share are dreams. and i don't mean my dreams, although i had wierd ones tonight, but nevermind. think about what you can do, while you're asleep. when your mind/ego is not at work. you can move mountains. because anything you think or wish for whilst sleeping happens in your dreams, try it it's true. the minute you say i want this tree in my dreams to grow green aliens for example, it happens. and what Zeland claims is that it is the same with our lives...we can have anything we want, we are just simply thought NOT to imagine and believe in things and better versions of our lives. so we don't believe and therefore automatically deny our right for abundant life. according to him, when our mind and our soul are not aligned, we are not aligned with our life line that brings us prosperity and abundance.

that's it. i've satisfied my need to tell and share with the world what i've came up with in these last days, now i'm moving on. will you too?