time

So, this Brasil thing is getting closer and closer. Since I have bought my plane ticket last week, I still can not even imagine my dream coming true. I can not even imagine myself there without getting the butterflies in my stomach. It's kinda like being in love, but in this case with the country. 

I don't know. I don't want to put high hopes on this trip since it's "just" a trip...but being in this state of mind as I am and with all this thoughts inside my head...I can't even make up my mind where to travel. The country is HUGE. And I of course want to see the most of it in one month.

Secretly I am counting on some changes in my life until then but I really haven't told anyone about it. I know deep inside, that this kind of life that I'm living now is not really for me. I am trying really hard to get in touch with my soul and listen to my intuition. There are things opening around me, new worlds, new opportunities, new horizons...I see potential in everything, I am just not brave enough to jump and swim. I'm a coward that is hooked on security. But on the other hand I know I'm sometimes too hard on myself. 

And this is how I count time now. Before I go to Brasil. And after I come from Brasil.

Understand the under.

I haven't been around lately but the other day a new facebook friend (which I don't actually know in person but nevertheless) reminded me of my blog. So I've juts been waiting for the perfect moemnt to return to this empty board and scratch some new ideas into it and publish them.

There is really no special ocassion that I have returned today..well, maybe except first snow of this autumn, but I will surely have some stuff to write down.

It is one of my habits that whenever I start a new post, I usually read the previous one published and by that I see where have I gone from there. And today, I realised I have gone far. This summer was crazy, I have felt amazing all through July and August. Been there, done that I just could not believe  sometimes that all that energy is within me. But then it struck me. Even to this day I don't know what happened, but in a certain moment I was so sad and heavy inside. It was for no apparent reason whatsoever that my mood changed and suddenly all I have wanted was to be left alone and spend my time in isolation. 
Not that I was refusing company at all cost, but even if I was spending time with my closest friends, I didn't feel comfortable. It was wierd. It still is a bit, because they've been asking me what's with me, if I am okay and stuff. And to tell you the truth, that is the last thing I want to be asked. Because the problem is that even I don't understand it and having all this thoughts inside, there is no need in anyone else bringing the subject up. But I know they are just worried about me, because I am usually the loudest one and in the middle of attention. 
There was even a very intense experience one time at the end of the August at a drumming workshop. We were visiting friends in the ecovillage in the mountains where we were suppossed to attend a drumming workshop. Me myself love the drums, but I am not very keen in playing them for several hours learning the beats until your hands get all swallen and you can't feel your fingers. So I decided I won't be drumming, but rather spend some quiet time around my friends making dreamcatchers instead. Unfortunatelly my idea did not work out so well, because Sebastjan needed an extra drummer on the drums so I did some drumming.

But what I felt inside was this wierd heavy energy that made me wanna cry over and over again. And I didn't know why. I still don't know. And I still sometimes cry in my bed before I go to sleep. Just for a minute of two, but the fact is that I cry now knowing why and it's quite frustrating.
The only explanation at this moment is that it has something to do with my process that I was doing during the whole summer. 
It is a boook called The presence process. You work on your subconscious mind for 10 weeks, meditating twice per day and each week processing another theme. It is supposed to be a strong technique in revealing and overcoming old patterns we all carry inside ourselves and transcending our old paradigms. 
So from what I concluded my present mood is a consequence of all that. It might be, that there's also other stuff that I come across daily in my life, afterall there has been some vigorous happening lately. The most recent one being the stressfull experience of doubting into my writting and editing of our site www.ekologicen.si . 
All this and more, how can one not have moments of weakness, sadness, downfall and doubt. But as I have come so far, knowing that life is all about changes I try to quietly sit back and accept all that is coming to me and just let is flow through me. Which brings me to one of my latest posts about feeling overwhelmed, light and grateful. Life is nothing but balancing your path through different obstacles and goals. 

thankful - grateful

been there, done that. but i'm here again. sometimes i regret that all those thousands of thoughts that run daily through my mind are not listed somewhere, and especially the feeling that overwhelm me.

lately my heart is so happy. so light. so simple. i vibrate in an amazing way. i am starting to understand things are so simple really. the less you complicate and hold all that dense energy inside, the less you suffer. you start to flow. and don't worry, i am not talking about that eteric floating above the ground, not knowing what is happening around you, i am talking about happy dance! i am talking about all that good energy that sudenly starts to evaporate from your heart and soul, about all the good people that are happening around you. the smiles on your face. the amazing feeling you are feeling inside, no matter the circumstances. 

i know, i am certain that i am on a right path. that my life is going the way it should and is meant to. i just know. because it FEELS right. not because everything is as the society expects it to be...but because deep inside me, i know. i am happy. i am so grateful! truly grateful for my life, for everything that happened to me and thought me the lessons i had to learn. and i know this is how it is meant to be. i have faith! not in God, Alah, Buda or Deepak Chopra...but faith in light! i am simply grateful and faithful!

thank you for everything! <3

brasil

i turned 30. finally. not that i've been eagerly waitting for it, but the myth is finally broken. and a new dawn is rising for me. i could definitely say that, afterall my 30th bday bash was a total blast!! it still brings tears to my eyes when i remember the filling that ran through my body, when i curiously opened the envelope my friendz gave me. and when i was to find out that they're sending me to brasil, i could only collapse to the ground and cry...cry out of happiness and gratitude but mostly because i have never before felt so loved, surrounded by people that care for me and really wish me the best. all my dreamz came true, even more than that. i have become to realize that maybe i was underestimating my capability to settle into other people's hearts. i'm still having trouble realizing that i guess. i try to do good, be good to others and be grateful for everything, but rarely do i take credits i might also mean a lot to others. it's hard to imagine how other people see you, afterall we are all different, with our own ideas, wishes, expectations and demands. 

on the other hand i'm scared. to someone it might sound ridiculous, what is there to be scared of, when your dreams are becoming true. but there is. if your wish is so strong as mine is, can reality reach that idealistic picture i have made inside my head in all this years of my wish to travel to my dream country. what will happen there, will i be dissapointed, will i realize i don't want to leave that place to come back home, will i simply get so obverwhelmed that i won't be able to relax and take the most of it. argh, all this questions come to my mind, and my thoughts just keep drifting away during my reading of lonely planet guide. 

oh, but i guess all this thoughts are just normal and sooner or later, when i will get used to the fact that i AM REALLY going there, my mind will simply take it easy and by the time i arrive there i'll just easily slip into that brasil-mode and samba my way to the streets of Salvador. afterall, it's just a country...most beautiful in the world.

in my heart i feel gratitude. loads and loads of it.

routine vs. change

fresh starts with old things and people, that's what i call ultimate recycling. been a while since i've written any thing here, but i've been quite busy with my other stuff. but then i've asked myself what are you doing, for who, is it worth it..where are you? i have a slight feeling i might have forgotten about myself for a moment. so today, on this quiet sunday morning i have clicked here to my good old blog, the first of many i have and i am dedicating myself 5 minutes of attention.

so many things are happening i don't even keep up with them, but yet it seems sometimes i don't really move anywhere. i keep looping in the same round. same people, same things, same thoughts...for a moment there i would be happy for something to change. change. change. change. 

can you believe that someone can be bored in the middle of the war going on? yeah well, that's me. bored in a way that i am really sick and tired of same old, same old challenges i have to master. because when i stick to one for too long, i simply don't find the thrills anymore.

i am a funny human actually. it is in my character to have to have things under control and in place, but on the other side i get so bored by routine. some people can simply go on an on with the same paths, same people, same jobs. me? no way! i know it's contradictory, but that is how i feel. 

another thing is about me and people in my life. the close ones. the closest ones. being in a relationship now it was a storm and a half when he came into my life. he came slowly and rather smoothly, but yet i was terrified of what will happen, and how will his presence change my ways. because i love my ways. and i am so greateful for his patience, for his understanding, and i admire him so much for he has changed so much. and i know he is changing for me too. because he loves me. and that's what amazases me the most. actions of devotion and love. he is in a way my teacher. because he teaches me how to overcome my ego. i see now how different it is to read about something and think you understand, and how that differs from actions and situations in which you have to put all that into real life. a big challenge for me. 

hide under your own shadow

i started to speak and act exactly the way i feel in that particular moment. i was trying to see if i can really be free of all the social paradigms and rules, to see how it feels to be FREE. and it is absolutely amazing! of course i still have a long way to go, and i am not completely free at all, but at least i am trying to verbally express my thoughts.
the second thing is, that i see people don't take me seriously. because of course they are not used to recieving the truth from another being. and they think everything is just words and jokes. but the funny part is that they're not. so you see, i am telling them the truth, and they think i am not. what a paradox. but when i draw the line, i think it is the best thing i can do to myself nevertheless. being truthfull is sometimes hard, but also liberating. and what is more precious than letting go of that heavy burden on our mental backs. you should definitely try it yourself!

change is good.

it is simply not enough, all that i do. still not enough to make me feel quiet. i'm restless. i'm like a shark that needs to move, or else it dies. i need new ideas, i need new fresh wind inside my lungs. every moment, time and time again....restless is my soul. i'm afraid of this power inside me. i'm afraid something might happen, that i really, really want. what would my life be, if i had it all. i feel the glimpse of that freedom and i'm scared for where it might take me. and it always comes to me every once in a while, when i spend a couple of days at home. usualy it is due to illness. and people say to me, get rest, you work too much, you have too many things in your life. reduce your life to less things and take care of your health. really?? reduce my life to work and my house? you're kidding me? please tell me, that you don't really mean that. with all this energy that starts to boost inside of me i should quietly ignore it and sit still in my office!? is that how it works?
and my illness..is it really due to my overcrowded schedule? or is it because the schedule is set on wrong basis? maybe i just need to change something, not reduce, but change? change is good right? change is good. it gives me hope. so much hope and so much new energy. i want to change.

free

every day is a new begining, and yet every day is a result of yesterday's doings. what i do today, i shall harvest tommorow. thus i live this moment rejoicing tommorow's harvesting. i do not wait for tommorow, it will come without my attention, i do not think about yesterday, for today is its fruit. what i want is always here and now, because i wanted it yesterday, it is here today. and if i harvest my crops with joy and in abundance, thus will be also tommorow's harvest. full of joy, happiness and freedom. but if i pick my fruit with anger and resentment, that will be what i produce for my future. my body knows my limits and my soul knows my deepest desires. together they guide me safely through the stroms of everyday. have faith in yourself for you are your own god. trust your emotions, for they guide you better than your sight and your smell. eyes can deceive you, if beauty is rotten in its core, and smell deceives you if an apple smells nice but is poisonous. but your emotions..they never let you down for what your soul tells you, it is what you really want. it doesn't mean you will one day not suffer, because of that, but worse is to regret something you have missed or did not do, than to be richer for an experience from which you have learned a lesson. open yourself to your soul. open the doors you have shut long ago. reconcile with yourself and you shall find peace. because everything will come back in order.