i think we sometimes forget, we are all humans and we are so much alike, even if we try to be different from the others. i don't know if that is supossed to be comforting of discouriging. but what i've meant to say is that no matter what you may think of another human being on the first look..it may be so far away from the truth. i have come to a notion that everybody around me, has problems, has personal issues, family issues, problems with self confidence and i could just go on and on. on the end i'm no different from anyone i thought is sooo happy, or careless or smart or brave or confident. yeah i know, it's sad, that i am now feeling better, because i know everybody around is going through the same shit as i am...but i actually don't care. it just kinda helps me accept myself, i don't care about the others really. funny though how my friend told me today while talking on the phone that she can not believe how can i NOT be happy with my life, ME the always smilling, happy, careless me? and i really had a good laugh! in these past few days i'm starting to think i'm being too hard on myself. expecting too much from myself and then when i'm not achieving it, being dissapointed over myself. how stupid is that? so, i've decided i'm gonna start going easy on myself and let me do some slips here and there. i know i'm being too hasty many times, but it's how i am. i want things move fast when i get them into my head.
recently i'm having this feeling that time is running out for me. i don't know why, because i'm always the one that doesn't give a crap about age. and i'm not really worried about my personal age or anything, but about losing that sparkle i have inside and keeps me going on...i don't know why i'm afraid i'm gonna loose it in a couple of years and i'm gonna end up cranky and old, not achieving anything. and here we are again? achieving what? what does it mean that you've achieved something in your life? how do we measure achievement? can someone please tell me? again we are caught in this social boundaries, expectations and limits...and if you ask me...well, i think you already know my opinion. GET RID OF THAT ALREADY!! saying it to my friends, saying it to my family, and saying it to myself hundred times per day...but is it enough? does it really have an impact? i don't know, i hope so, i sincerely hope it does! because that is one of the key solutions to start getting back in touch with our inner guidance we all forgot about! inner guidance, remember it everytime you are making a decision. it knows all the answers already. i don't mean to insult anybody here, but people who believe in all sorts of gods..well, in my opinion they are just not willing to take responsibility for their lives. i know it is damn hard to be your own god, to listen to yourself..but as hard as it is at the beggining of that journey, the easier it is later on i think. because you know that you, yourself made a decision and now the consequences are fully under your responsibility, so suma sumarum YOU are the master of your life.
anyways, back to that lack of time issue i've started with in previous paragraph. my friend pointed out a very interesting fact when i told her how i feel. and i would agree with her on that. i am fully accepting the fact that we as a society are going through some major changes on an energy level. no matter if you are or not a spiritual person, everybody is saying that these are wierd and hard times. i have no intention of announcing some armaggedon or anything like that, but i know that something is changing, because i'm feeling it. so, my feeling of lack of time may be connected to this fact. i don't know, just a thought. but this thought makes me think what should i do now. what is my role here? i discussing theories on this subject? i believe we all should, as they say, ''walk the talk''.... but i have a feeling i'm not very good at it. i hope i do inspire people to become more open for new ideas, new ways of thinking, to allow the fact that current ways of lives we're living can be dramatically changed if we change our ways of thinking and living them more conscious....but then again, why should i be all about telling people what is going on inside me, what i think is good for us, for human race, how i think we should live...and i won't aks if you think i'm right or wrong, because the question is irrelevant. it's just about being intro or extro, that's what's confusing. i mean writing this blog for me started as strictly introverted act. and it basically still is, but all of a suden i realised that few people once in a while actually read this, and what i did...well, i guess i started reffering to them in my posts. wrong!? yes, from my point of view totally wrong. and deleting posts because people see themselves in my posts and don't like what they read...totally wrong again. thin line between intro and extro. i guess i can be totally introverted in my posts, but at the same time this blog is so extroverted that you can hardly get it more extroverted except if you're on a cover of a daily newspaper.
today my head is really full, i had no idea it was so full. haha, what does it even mean to have a full head? that yoou're possesed by ego? that you have a really large brain size? that your mind flow is so fast you can not keep a trace on the processes inside? i have no idea...but i know that when my head is too full, it's better for me to stop writting.
i once said to the guy that was the love of my life, years after we broke up, that i'm so happy that i've met him, because now i don't go walking around the world searching for love of my life anymore as many lost souls around me do. and by that i don't mean, that my soul is not lost or anything, because the way i see life now is so much different than back then...but i wanted to use this analogy to point out the relation between a wish, a desire and dettachment from it. when we desire something and we are eager for something, it almost always flows away. that is, if our desire is too strong. that is also why many people don't meet so called 'love of their lives'...because they are always in search for it. you wanna know where i've met him...on a fucking train to Belgrade, travelling to Turkey on my own. never would have expected it, THAT'S WHY it hit me there in that moment. i won't go into details why and when it all started to go wrong, but i can surely tell you from my point it was because i got too attached to him. again...attachment, desire.
i once thought i have so much love inside me, nobody on this earth could bare and on the end it came true, always. too much of everything...and the forces had to balance that in someway...so they pulled the object of desire away, to balance me. i know now, that matter can not exist if there is no antimatter...it simply can't. and the energy doesn't think whether something is good or bad for us, the energy just seeks balance, and where there is a situation of unbalanced energies, it simply has to act. nothing personal, just balance! ;)
today, i have no expectations of whatsoever from this guy anymore, and he came back into my life. i believe we truly are very much alike, but i'm not attached to the idea, that's why i can keep him around i guess. and if not, that's okay too. that's called being in tune with the flow. i wish i could be in tune like that all the time, but it seems so hard sometimes.
here i am again. trying to get set for launching myself into the world. but then the world hits me back and i land hard facing the ground. so, what's going on...well, you know, been there, done that, read a couple of books...then first you fly, you get high...and then kabo0oo000m, shazaAaaAAm my world colapsed. for three days i'm re-evaluating my life, my priorities, passions, desires, goals...my friends are worried, they say i read too much of 'those' books'...but i'm sure i'm on the right way. obviously every way is not the right one, since we all have our ways, but you can also say there are no wrong ways, because we all choose what we choose. i already know that conotations of wrong and right are subjective and depend from the point of the viewer.
so, let's get down to business because i want to share my discoveries with you who will find it interesting. i've came across a book about transurfing. on the beggining the word itself attracted my attention, but after reading first couple of pages i was all in, from top to bottom, with my soul, and my mind. and it's got 3 parts...so now you may start to understand why i'm sinking deeper and deeper. anyways, this guy Vadim Zeland talks about transurfing. it's a technic with which each one of us can transform life. from my words it may sound like a floscule, but nevermind what it sounds like. i think the trilogy is definetly worth reading. i find a lot of similarities with Eckart Tolle and that's maybe why i found it easy to understand. for someone who never read Tolle or Dyer or similar authors, the books of Zeland would be a total surprise and hard to understand or maybe not. i'm not the one to judge, i'm just a messenger of something i believe it has enormous potentials for human kind. Zeland is also a physics so his language has this scientific like approach from time to time, and maybe that's what makes him so appealing, because we all now how posessed by rational mind we all are. Tolle calls it ego, Zeland calls it mind. Tolle says we should shut down our ego, Zeland talks about listening to a rustle of morning stars...but on the end...it's all the same, it's all the same.
and now you wanna know about my 3 day journey into myself? well, i don't know what's the use. if you want to know what i've discovered, take a look inside you. probably you'll discover the same, but at the same time your own version of it! and that's what's it all about according to Zeland. Our life has inumerous versions. we just have to pick the one we want. that's the main difference between me being happy and satisfied with myself, and me not being happy, working my guts off for my happiness which on the end doesn't come. in paralell universes exist versions of everything, so why not pick the best case scenario for ourselves? the catch is also in what Zeland calls PENDULUMS. and we all know it...we just don't have a word for it and don't see it as a potential 'danger' to our soul. pendulums are all kinds of massive, collective consciousnesses that keep us asleep, that praise our minds and egos, but take our life force, life energy. without us, they don't exist. i will not go into details for it is just too much of everything. just try to find out for yourself.the last thing i wanted to share are dreams. and i don't mean my dreams, although i had wierd ones tonight, but nevermind. think about what you can do, while you're asleep. when your mind/ego is not at work. you can move mountains. because anything you think or wish for whilst sleeping happens in your dreams, try it it's true. the minute you say i want this tree in my dreams to grow green aliens for example, it happens. and what Zeland claims is that it is the same with our lives...we can have anything we want, we are just simply thought NOT to imagine and believe in things and better versions of our lives. so we don't believe and therefore automatically deny our right for abundant life. according to him, when our mind and our soul are not aligned, we are not aligned with our life line that brings us prosperity and abundance.
that's it. i've satisfied my need to tell and share with the world what i've came up with in these last days, now i'm moving on. will you too?
today...i'm not all that. i'm nothing. and i'm everything. mixed all together. i'm playing loud music so that i don't hear myself, some say it's also a drug. well, okay then..today i'm gonna get high on music so that i forget me, myself and i.
i'm playing this game lately. well, it's not really a game, it's a trainning. i'm trainning myself to be honest with myself and the world. and it is so good. everytimei have to do something or say something i quickly examine my inside and how i truly feel about the situation and then try to act upon that feeling. it is not easy all of the time, because we are used to NOT say or act the way we want, but what we think others want from us. it is because we were raised to feed on approval of others. to always think what others might think about this and that. i thought i am not one of those people, but i see now that many times i kinda modify my real wish and the expectation from the outside and mix it together so that the result is as pleasing for both sides as possible. i was surprised over that fact. but now by observing my actions i am consciously trying to always be true to myself. i believe it is not what everyone is capable of doing. but i am glad i am able to change. playing this new 'game' is making me feel so much better and so free i reccomend it to everyone!;)
i know, i know...two posts in one day can be a bit too much, but i was truly inspired by today's day. it was a marvelous day, being to go through some rough moments and a couple of splendid ones. and all that while staying home alone. imagine that. inspired by what you ask? inspired by life. by everything that surrounds us, everything that's teaching us how to love. i don't know what is harder, loving someone else or loving thyself!? really, think about that for a minute. when you love someone else, you can easily 'blame' him/her for making you feel sad, hurt, happy. but when you try to love yourself, it's much harder to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for yourself. i cried once today...and it was when i looked into the mirror to see who do i have to be honest with and who do i have to forgive and love without any conditions. it was me on the other side...but the trick is that there is no other side. it's you and only you and you are on the same side, well supossed to be at least. why do we suffer so much? that is what i was thinking and am still thinking a lot about. it is so unimaginable that our mind wants to hold on to all that what we've lived through our lifetime, all that heavy baggage we've gained during our childhood, teenage years, adulthood...hard to imagine that one should in order to free himself just lose all that what he or she thought was 'building and growing' into a person you want to be. it's as if a man would be building a house all his life and on the end tore it down. and because that way of thinking is so unusual to us, we find it sometimes hard to understand and do. but when you get it, it seems so logical to you. you realised that all that you thought you are, isn't really you. it is what you've built yourself to be. the real you is somewhere deep inside, rooted in yourself. that is the person we have to find and to learn to love and accept. the rest of you can be honored and enjoyed, but it doesn't really matter if you haven't found your trueself.
i forgive.
have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.
and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.
but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.
