to give for give

guilt usually seeks forgiveness. but the big Q here is...whose forgiveness and why? if i do something wrong why do i need someone to forgive me my mistake, if i know that i've did something wrong? it's just a fact, and nothing is changed if someone else forgives me for what i did. because doing something that you think you did wrong, should be forgiven only by yourself. and doing something that someone else thinks was wrong and you not seeing it so, does it also need to be forgiven? if you didn't think as wrong while doing it? and again we are at the question of various views over the same situation that can vary. i read somewhere that we never see things as they are, we see them as we are...and that's exactly what i've been saying. doing something wrong is only wrong because you see it that way, or someone else see it that way, or the society around you says that's wrong. but in the basis...it's only plain situation that is as it is. you know? yeah, it is kinda hard to understand..but it really is simple.

if i decide someone is doing something wrong i'm not trying to convince him that he's doing it wrong...i tell him my view and i leave the scene. but he funny part is that often people run after you and try to either convince you that what they're doing is not wrong, or feel guilty and try to get your forgiveness. isn't that funny? why on earth should you change your behaviour based on someone else's opinion, only to get his or her approval? well my friend that is in my opinion a sign of low selfsteem and insecurity. i try to show my friends that despite my disaproval of their behaviour, they can freely continue act as they wish. and depending on the type of their act i shall only decide whether i want to stay close to them or leave. it is only your decision if you will change your behaviour in order to make me stay, or keep on doing what you were doing not paying any attention on my presence. i'm not saying it is simple to do it, since we are not acustomed to act this way, but giving such situations importancy, makes them even harder. i know it did for me, long time ago i gave a lot of importancy to certain people and actions. and the hardest thing was to admit to myself that i need to let go and accept their behaviour as it is, even though for me it was the most horrible thing someone could ever do. but today i stand here and i know that i am here because of my own choice i've made and because of big sacrifices i did..but only for myself, because i love myself so much today. and every day i am trying to accept that fact, that people are different and that everybody makes their choices and they show their choices with actions..and actions matter, because they make you decide whether you want to stay there or go some other way. and i will forgive myself of not being able to fully understand and accept that fact until today, and i do not need to forgive anyone else.

strong words, weak people

interpretation is everything i think. and interpretation can divide us one from other, because it is the subjective opinion of a person. and if i interpret one thing in the way that satisfies me, is that right or wrong...can it even be right or wrong? i wonder if it is possible to see things only as they are. what that even means? i've been hearing this sentence over and over again. just try to see things as they are and don't judge them, evaluate them, label them. it's hard to not be judgemental about a thing that someone does to you if the person is for example your friend right? because you have certain expectations from that person, like for example that he or she will never hurt you, or betray you, or lie to you...it's hard not to get upset if any of those things happen. and we think in this case, that something bad happened to us.
but in my life i have had situations like that happen and i soon realised that these people don't actually matter. it might sound terrible saying your friends don't matter. but in correlation with situations that happen to you, they are just meere stuntmen that help you shoot your scene. and after the shoot you let them go, thank them for their cooperation and let them go. i needed a long time (well, it's all relative) to actually feel what i in other ways understood. because mind and soul are often strangers, which they shouldn't be. and the more distant they are, the longer we need to process certain things. and since in order to process certain things we need a lot of energy and time, it is also logical that that happens faster if we are alone. so now, if we sum all this up we can again get dfferent possible interpretations of the results...either it's better to be single if you want to progress, or that a lot of people hide behind false relationships, because they can not stand the thought of being faced with themselves. and the ironic thing is, they don't even know, they think they are fullfilled with their 'other half', but the truth is, they lost the other half of themselves which is usually their soul, and think someone else is going to fill that space. and the third interpretation is that ones that are conscious enough and are also in a relationship, usually either take longer or work harder to reach the balance between their mind and soul and if in that time their relationship doesn't fall apart, they are probably as twice as happy and proud.

i don't know...those were just my interpretations of some situations. they are not wrong, they are not right. they are just possible to be. but the thought that got into my head to day was...that if we are all a part of oneness, than we must in order to reach our higher selves, first accept all that what is happening around us, all the people, even the ones we were hurt by, because if you don't accept every tiny part of oneness, you don't actually accept a part of yourself!! and those are strong words! do you accept and feel compassionate towards everything and everyone?

balance

lately i'm constantly being reminded i should practice what i 'preach' or otherwise said...walk the talk. i'm getting the message in million different ways...on million different subjects. and that's great, that's the way i self-evaluate. you know? i guess i'm just manifesting what was my decision the other day...to be completely honest with myself. and now, all this situations come to my way where i sometimes catch myself that i'm thinking one thing and doing something else. mostly it's not something huge that can totally change my life or something, but the little everyday things that i do. for example, i'm so loudly trying to promote sustainable way of living and all..but at the same time i find myself buying a whole new bottled water of evian...'because i need the bottle for the trainning'. okay, okay...i am re-using it and all...but nevertheless, i really should buy myself a proper glass bottle or those cute metalic ones that will last for years. and that's just one example. but i think it's okay to do that, because i am actually more aware of my actions and how they are sometimes not correspondent with my thoughts and ideas. because in that crucial moment when i stand in front of the refrigerator in the store i get carried away by thurst, hunger...or some other greedy, needy capitalistic lust.

yesterday i was watching a documentary on Amazonia and i was again surprised over the damage humankind does to the one essential thing we have to even exist...NATURE. the rainforest and the river are one...and so are we, ONE with everything. we just can't seem to get it. and therefore we in order to satisfy 'our' greedy needy capitalistic lust, cut the trees to make space for vast soya fields that are cultivated in the soil soya would otherwise never even lay a seed on. and we make dams because we want more electricity, but from the river that can not give us that what we want from it, because by all parametres the decline is too low and therefore by preventing the river to run it's natural way, we create floods. and we thought floods are a natural disaster...yeah right. and then there is the lake which floods trees which start to rot in the water and the bacteria contaminates the water, the fish get sick and dies and native people are hungry....you see!? it's a chain effect! and what WE get from it?
as i've said once and will probably say many times more...everything is about balance. the energy works like that. it's natural law, the strongest one of all. if there is too much of something on one side, there has to be shortage on some other side...and everything aims to balance this situation. no matter if we are talking about water, food, emotions, wishes, ideas.....everything, on any level.

it's funny how i wanted to write about something completely different when starting this post, but ended up writting about balance. which on one hand is a great topic and basically covers every aspect of our lives no matter what we talk about.

full tank / thankful

despite the fact, i already recognized and dealt with numerous behaviouristic patterns from my past, there is always this subconscious fear of not being able to recognize them if they in some cases come back. and there is this chance if you recognize them, that you won't act against them but again fall on the same track. that's the worst, if you ask me. you all know that expression ''been there, done that''. today i'm there where i've already been and i don't like it. i can't help myself if i spontaneously react the same to certain situations as i did 4 years ago. i can't and won't pretend that i'm okay if i'm not. and since my recent decision of being on a selftest of my own truth, denying true feelings woud be sabotage of my own decisions. so here i am, all in a hormone imbalance, tired, stressed...and dealing with some past feelings i thought i already got over. well, it's not so bad. i won't consider suicide or anything don't worry...i'm just thinking and analysing myself, and i easier do it by writting than in my fuzzy head. so, as i said...having no expectations is a very tough thing to do. at least for me. i don't know about other people but then again, other people don't matter. so, here we are...how other people don't matter if you have expectations, and reaching or failling that expectations makes you feel good or bad. so other people do matter? no, they don't. that's why it's so hard. because we have these roles, rules, patterns and customs implemented in us that we live by, because we were tought to do so...which in my opinion is not bad, because we weren't even aware of it. but once you wake up from this 'dream' we call our life, our truth...we are no longer satisfied with that. we no longer accept certain ways of thinking or living, because we eagerly want to find ourselves, our true and essential being. big words huh? well, i kinda hate it if people get judgemental on this kind of talks...i see it simply in a way that my vocabulary is slightly different from yours and we in a way can not communicate, because some think i'm full of shit or illusionary ideas that are nothing but a bunch of crap. but at the end of the day...does it matter? does it change anything in my world? actually no, i still believe in what i believe and you still are sleeping. everyone's happy. and the truth? well, the truth is there. so you see...others don't matter.

i'm not being nihilistic at all, i'm just trying to explain how i see it. being nihilistic would mean i was a pasive object, ignoring my surroundings and let everything just happen to me. but i try to be the active actor in making things arround me happen to me the way i want them, but at the same time knowing that nothing is so important that could make me go out of balance. that's the difference. and the point of it all. BALANCE. if you're either too much on one side or the other, you're gonna eventually get flipped on the other 'missing' half whether you like it or not.
because life is nothing personal, just balance. the energy has to be balanced in order for this world to remain. and that's all that there is to it, you see, nothing personal. giving importance to things, people and events, creates expectations, and that can create imbalance. and that's exactly what i did today. but because i love myself and i want nothing but to understand and accept things for what they are without giving them importance, i decided i forgive myself and again learned a lesson. i'm not perfect, but i'm thankful.

laugh is always better than no laugh

i wanted to write something a bit more positive today, since last posts were quite downturning. today way a good day. despite problems i have at work i managed to put that aside on my way home and enjoyed my ride. while i was waiting for my bus i was filling myself with sunrays that were pouring from the sky straight into my eyes and almost made me blind. but i didn't want to resist for they may be last bits of sun this year. i wanted to charge myself like a battery and save some of that energy for foggy and cold autumn days when they come. and of course thoughts were slidding in my head up and down, as usual...and one of those thoughts was about a girl i once hosted when she was couchsurfing in Ljubljana. i wanted to hear from here, since she recently moved to live here in Slovenia from Hungary. and what happened 5 minutes later...i pick my phone and she's calling me! and that was not the only event like that today, i've had at least two of a kind in the morning. and then i started thinking about that book i've read...about Transurfing. it's happening to me in many cases that i'm experiencing events and 'coincidences' ike this one...i just don't notice them. and the thoughts i linger on...they are fading away. exactly as he book is saying. and i'm not telling you that suddenly i believe every word of every book i read, but i certainly believe in what is happening to me everyday. where i find it hard to handle is the thoughts and feelings i can't get rid of and i hold on to. and i'm kinda hard on myself in that way. sometimes it's a curse if you know so much theory but you suck at practical part! and i fel that's exactly where i am now. i was already thinking if it's maybe a good idea that i just stop reading and don't think about all those books and movies and audio books i've listened to..and i realised i was a little scared by that thought, because i felt i would lose the guidance i think i need in order to understand the way things work and how to run my life. but just as i'm writting this i have come to a conclusion that i HAVE to stop for a while in order to introvert and start listening to myself and then create what i want, what i really want. to get my soul and mind into balance.



yesterday i was talking to someone i really care about. it made me think about my attachment to that person and all the things i've learned in the past year, about myself, about life, about other people. i don't see attachement as a bad thing, but the question is...how much attachement is TOO MUCH attachement you know? i don't know. it's tricky! i once thought i got it all under control when i was with a guy, but on the end i realised it was not so. i was completely crashed because he left. and i think i'm kinda afraid this might again happen when i won't be watching myself. i was observing my friend that was single longer than me, almost 3 years, and she enjoyed her single life which i totally support but i was always telling her, she should also not be afraid of letting someone close, because that's nothing bad. and now...i am in a way afraid of losing something i've worked hard for. but on the other hand...my freedom is something that can not be taken from me, unless i let it be taken. who i am, cannot be taken from me...because from what i have gone through in these 28 years, i've realised i am the only one that can handle me, that can comfort me, love me, hate me, judge me, care for me. sure it's great if you have someone next to you, but you can never expect someone else to carry your burden, live your life, dream your dreams and feel your happiness. and when i'll meet someone that will be able to share that kind of view and i will also be able to live with that in my mind next to someone i know our energies will merge into even greater one, but yet stay apart and let each other breath. but nevertheless....it's not about that anyway, i ain't searching because these things happen.

cry me a river

i know why my current experiences are important, my mind knows it all. but yet i feel so helpless, i hate this feeling. it's like as if i have no influence of whatsoever upon what is happening to me right now. and i'mnot even capable of just letting go and surrender, because i think my life is going to slip away, to fall apart. but i also in a way want it to fall apart i guess. because i want to see what happens when you have nothing, you are not attached to anything, anyone and all you care about is not carring cause it's the only way of freeing yourself. but the more i try, the more attached i get i think. i mean i wanted just to go with the flow to see what time brings...but i think i'm losing control over what i want to have control over the most, my feelings.

i hope that the changes that are waiting for me in these 2 weeks will really bring me something to hope for, because i feel that it can either bring me down to the ground zero...or i can get lifted and start floating in unlimited zone of my own reality.

few days ago i've realised that we should be afraid of people that don't cry. i never understood people who don't cry, but now i know i don't want to be close to anyone that can not cry. and i'm not saying that because i used o cry a lot, more than i do now. i'm saying it because i know tears do help, they don't help you solve the problem...but that is not always the point. tears help you survive and heal your feelings. the solution in the manifestation,but the tears are more important on emotional level. i'm not saying we should cry like rivers all the time, but when the big heavy ball inside your chest is so big it hurts, you have to let it out first and then continue to think about resolving the problem.

twelve sets of opposite characteristic

' Twelve sets of opposite characteristics are:

keeping silent — talking
receptivity — resistance to influence
obeying — ruling
humility — self confidence
lightning-like
speed — circumspection
to accept everything — to be able to differentiate
ability to fight — peace
caution — courage
to possess nothing — to command everythingto
have no ties — loyalty
contempt for death — regard for life
indifference — love


(Initiation by Elizabeth Haich)