i'm floating. even though it sure doesn't feel like summer, my inner calendar is in tha mood! you know what i mean, i guess unconscious memories of the past summer has awaken my mind and is telling me, now is the time to burst, to fill yourself with all that lost energy you were missing during the winter and in the sad spring. i just kinda lost track of time...i am sucessfully doing it by not taking anything too seriously and just trying not to worry about anything.
the only thing i' wish for right now is a touch. pure, gentle, curious, silent and loving touch of a man. just so to make my senses burst and to open them again. i realised i am still quite wrapped up into bubble of fear to get hurt again and i really want to get rid of that feeling inside me.
have i mentioned i fu*** love London!? i guess i did. but i guess it's not just London, i think i'm back, the real me. and i would feel good anywhere else i were, except my home that is. i needed to come here and now i just need to go back and take myself with me. it's so simple really, being yourself once you feel it. and all you really have to do is exactly that, feel yourself.
there is just one thing i'm still having trouble with though...it's the peoples thing. sometimes it's so damn hard to figure out what are they thinking or what do they want. and i don't mean in a way that i'm trying to figure out how to make people like me or give them what i want, but how to get from them what i want or better said...how to synchronize the both sides and get a positive result. i'm trying to hard. the thing that i'm dealing with right now is until where do i go and push my desires and still not invade into others person intimacy and make him/her feel uncomfortable.
i've always thought of myself as peoples person but at the same time i was also bad judge of characters in other words naive and always believed people are good. now, i just don't know what to think about people anymore. but it's probably for the best to let them pass you and stay focused on yourself and they will come by themselves if they'll want to and if it's meant to be...or something. and i guess that's exactly what i'm experiencing now too...in these past two weeks a lot of people said to me what a great energy i have and surprisingly i have had a couple of flirts too. the thing is that everything happened really spontaneously and the minute i started trying for something to happen, it all went down.
it's amazing, truly amazing i tell you. i'm often skeptic about these subtle changes or signs that lead us through our life, but i think i really should give them higher importance. anyways, i'm grateful for everything that's happening and that i am learning. step by step...everyday is the first day of the rest of our lives.
funny thing, attachment. really annoying sometimes. i was just going to sleep, did all my usual meditation and all..but couldn't shut my thoughts. and i had to write it down, as i know this always makes me feel better, if not better at least lighter and with clearer vision. i've read something about our passions today, our passions that makes our life worth living and when we're in order with our own passions everything evolves so much easier. and then i've realized i'm probably not fully living within my passions. can't say really that i'm completely out of order, but i know there is more to it than the point i'm at right now, i can feel there is something behind but just can't seem to jump high enough to see it and go there.
being in London away from my 'real' life was a bless for me. to go away from all the attachments and just breathe fully without being worried what's gonna happen around the next corner, who is going to make my day in either good or bad way. and there were certainly more bad days in past months, than good ones. so, then i come here and liberate myself...you know what i'm always saying liberdade dentro da cabeca...and i mean that in many ways. but first thing is to liberate yourself from all the things that are preventing you to live to you fullest.
i'm often thinking about my attachment to my group. and others attachment to it. and i can't decide whether it is bad or good to be very much involved and attached to something in that way. but the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that it is probably harder to go away from something like that, than to stay there. and i'm not saying that only because i've left in a way, but i am experiencing all this identity crysis at the same time that my ego ius performing to me. i mean in a way, saying to me...oh, you can't leave, you have a responsibility and you have a reputation in this group and the group will not be the same without you. which is all true from one side...but there is also the other side, where i'm currently standing and that's the side where i am noone and nobody, and i don't need a group to identify me and to give value to who i am, because all that is not important and it only distracts me. and if i am not getting positive vibes from that direction then it is surely better for me to stay where i'm now.
i know for certain that not anyone could do what i did. some people need to be identified by others, they need to be surrounded with other people because they have a certain role and they know how to behave. if they are left alone, they get scared, not knowing who they truly are. and i think everybody is afraid of that, but some deal with it, some don't. as for me i am certainly dealing with myself and no matter how hard it is at moments, i know for me this is a win win situation, because on the end it is me who shall prosper.
so, as i was saying at the beginning, attachment and detachment...not just to the group...but to people, things, places...it's a big step to go from one to another. i am not quite mastering it, but then again it is the path that matters not the goal. live, learn, love... goodbye and thanks for all the roses!
they say he who seeks, he shall find....and how true that is. the great thing about this is, that if you're open enough you can find so many things you would never even imagine while searching for something completely different. well, i think it's magical. and magic is stuff that wasn't made boring by science i've read one day whilst passing camden market. hehehe, and how true. i am re-discovering myself, passions, happiness, sun, rainbow...everything around me seems to be in order. well, i know it's stupid to say that, because of course everything IS in order, for there is no other way.yesterday i was at capoeira class with mestre Axe. he is also a student of mestre No, just like my mestre. and i've enjoyed the trainning so much. i was smilling all the time. this is what makes me happy, makes me alive, makes me in touch with myself. it is only now that i am here that i've realised what i was missing and not even knowing. well, i knew what i had once, but i kind of just couldn't remember the feeling how was it before. before all the shit started to happen. i am still sad because some people don't seem to have any respect, but i am so happy that at least i got my capoeira back. i am gratefull, very gratefull. and that is exactly the thing i was talking about before, we find things we weren't even searching for. because i surely didn't come to London to do capoeira, but then i met Wilson and it all spontaneously led me to the capoeira class. thank you!i don't know if it's because i'm all high on painkillers, but i am feeling so overwhelemed. so gratefull and happy and calm. there is nothing at this moment that could take away how i am feeling.
today is a quiet day. my obstacles seem so clear at this moment. and they are that i want to go. i no longer wish to stay here in the environment i am at the moment. yesterday i realised how free one must feel when one loses the feeling of guilt, of owing something to others, of not being good enough...and just listens to himself and does what feels right for him, only him. i know there are always 3 truths...our own truth, truth of the other and The Truth, but we must surely always follow our own for it is our path and we have to follow in order to gain the experience we have come here to experience and then luckily learn from it with as little suffering as possible.
Sometimes I think people around me are far more advanced than I am, but the next moment i change my mind. I am struggling with this doubt all the time. but by the end of the day I say to myself, what does it matter where others are, or aren't..I mean really? how does it help me? I just think it's good to always leave the possibilities open and never dogmatically determine the surroundings you live in for you can miss something important for yourself. I just finally want to stop feeling guilty because of all these feeling I keep inside me. I think I unconciously told myself that I should no longer feel love towards certain people for it is not safe, and then I said I shouldn't feel angry, and sad and resentful...all these restrictions I've made for MYSELF just pushed me into some strange darkness of my own limitations and they are keeping me inside and I feel like I'm caught inside myself unable to breathe with ease. but now I realised all this is just a product of my own ideas and limiations and it is only me that can liberate myself from them. and that's great...cause I am my own maker, my own god.
make peace with yourself and wrap yourself with unconditional love...for that is the true meanning of your life.
i seriously need to stop poisoning myself. but the fact is that i have no idea of who am i anymore...i just started to cry, out of nowhere...the cup just filled and tears started to pour down my face. i am scared. all that is happening to me, is it real or am i just living an illusion of something i want to believe in. but i don't even know what i believe anymore. i don't know anything anymore. the more i dig, the clearer things seem to appear at one moment...the next it hits me really hard as it just did and i crush! not even knowing why. at what point will i clearly distinguish where, what, when and why?
i know we have to attain consciousness all the time for it is not there to stay once you understand its meanning...but am i really so fragile that out of nowhere this pain and confusion and fear comes and just BANG takes me on the ground!? yeah, great excuse...it's just your ego....but obviously it still rules over me so strongly that i end up being all lost and crying like a baby. i feel so stupid sometimes because i'm so convinced that i've found something bigger which then hits me back with such a strong punch straight in my face that i can not recover for long time. and i know life consists of ups and downs, for if it would only go up...one could end as a monsterous creature of unimaginable size. maybe that's my problem...that i get so scared when i'm feeling down as if i've lost something i've already found and now it has been taken away from me...and that is exactly my ego talking!
we learn..every day, every minute we learn...if we want to of course. i am learning.... how to surrender....again i cry...for i don't know how to surrender, because i am scared. but the funniest thing is, i have no idea what am i scared of. can you think of a more stupid thing...being scared of not knowing what...
dear divine oneness....please let me surrender without fear....for i intend to search on....i am not giving up!
what can i say... I guess the story works for me. but does it really? does suffering means that it works for me, for anyone? somehow I doubt that. i mean seriously, i am amazed over the enormous capacity of our body and mind that can take so much negativity and suffering. because we all know, we suffer as long as we can take it and as long as we don't learn the lesson. but if i am aware that i myself can change that condition which i do not feel pleasant in, why not do it? what am i waiting for. and why am i constantly adding new and new tests just to see if i'm already there. where? i don't know...where am i going? maybe that's the problem, cause i want to go somehere instead of just being here and now. sometimes i just have a feeling i can not resemble between my ego and the consciousness. ego is so very smart that it can fool you, and considering my life before i started to consciously listen and observe and i now know was etremely conditioned by ego, i sometimes suspect that my ego is still very much trying to convince me how i am not ready yet to be enlightened, that i have to wait a little more, to suffer a little more. but that all is in total contrast to what the truth is, that the only time one can be enlightened is here and now and nowhere else at any other time. yesterday evening i realised that i am scared. and i started to almost cry, which i haven't done since long time. i am so scared, but the problem is that i don't know exactly of what. could it be, that i am scared of letting go all of what i now believe to be and to be free. if that is so, then i am certainly still deeply in my egoic mind which is trying to attach me to my story, to my conditioned state of living. you see, that is why i have to write my blog...because here my thoughts get clearer and i can easily see what's going on inside me. i'm not saying that i know the solution immediately, but it certainly helps to audit what is going on within me. so, now i have to work on my fear. they say, one should do at least one thing that scres you every day. today i did one, but afterwards i wasn't feeling any better, actually i was feeling worse, as if all past fears and pain and feelings would come back. so now i don't know if i did that because i wanted to free myself from that fear, or because i am still clinging on my past and am not capable of letting go. i don't know how to let go, i don't know how to accept the now....i just don't know. and then on the other hand...these wierd things are happening to me. i've had an experience that i don't know how to describe. it happened to me a couple of times before already, and yesterday again. it usually happens when i'm in bed. the thing i find strange is, that i thought this can only happen when one is totally present and without thoughts in his mind. but i wasn't in that state, i was full of fears, doubts, thoughts, pain....and suddenly i felt as if i am not present in my body. i didn't feel where my body is, couldn't find it. i knew of course that i'm on my bed, but when i was trying to locate it with my senses...i just wasn't there. as if my consciousness would move out of my body and float somewhere across the room. it felt funny and strange, but at the same time it was an overwhelming experience. and i didn't want to return to my body. i tried a couple of times, but every time i got close to returning i sort of stopped. because the truth is i didn't want to go back. and now i'm asking myself why i didn't want to go back? and it's a damn good question.
