i feel.. hm, have you ever noticed i write about how i feel. why is that? why on earth would i share my feelings? i have no idea. why do i feel better after i write a blog? as if anything changes with that...it's the same as crying. i always feel kinda better after a good cry, but it's stupid cause nothing is different. you know what i mean... like as if you would get back together with a boy after cry, and as if your white sweater will turn back to white after your mother has colored it to pink and as if the war will end after you stop crying. it won't! but yet we do cry and always will...cause just like after every storm there's a sunny day, there always comes a smile on your face after a good cry.
and we do it spontaneoulsy so i guess it's natural. a baby tells you something is wrong with crying so crying is obviously the most natural thing.but why am i talking about crying now? i'm not crying at the moment, don't get me wrong. i am most happy and almost carelless. it feels kinda privilege. watching people around you being sad, having problems, crying their hearts out. i see myself in them, but myself as me in a past time. and when i see them suffer, i realise i'm fine. you know...i'm fine.
well, don't get me wrong i'm not really that fine, considering all the bullshit that's going on in my home. but as i learned on my journey '' if you change your thoughts, you then change your feelings'' . and that's how it is.
i'm fine.
i'm happy and i'm cranky and i'm tired and excited at the same time! isn't it great to feel this way?hehe!so many things are happening right now in my life i'm having trouble in following them all. but i'm managing somehow, i have to, life gives me no other choice and nevertheless i picked this things by myself. sometimes i don't know why, but i did.so, i became sort of a vice president of our capoeira group. well, you know all this fancy tittles don't bring any fancy stuff, just a lot of work and responsibility. i guess if my dad would knew, he would be proud, but i'm not telling him. we're still in a war zone and i don't really have any intention in changing my attitude until he will start to respect me,which is like never! =)anyways, i also ended my temporary job,which is one of the best news today! i was so happy to end this period of my lfe, cause now i can go on, searching for something better and more creative. i met nice people and i met some not so nice people, but i learned from both of them.now the christmas is coming and all, so i decided i will visit my grandma, she can be sweet sometimes =) hehe, yeah i know hat you think..like all grandmas should be sweet and nice and all... but, yeah keep living in denial people. mine can be pretty annoying most of the time! but nevermind, i'll put some christmas songs on my mp3 (IF i get it back from reclamation!) and start to feel christmasy! lol, i just made this word up - christmasy! =)oh, i forgot to tell you about the other fridaywhen we had this secret friend game at thr trainning. we do this every year, you pick a name of one of the person in the groupand you buy something to him. then you have to imitate his ginga or the way he plays capoeira or just some moveshis does in everydaylife, like how he smiles or does some other gesture.anyways, then you give him the gift! and this year i picked the paper where it said Leaozinho. it is my very sweet friend with whom i share The Rainbow! so it was a perfect person to be my secret friend! and i bought him a perfect gift of course!! i bought him a rainbow...and he was really, really happy i could see it on his face and felt it in his hug! i was so glad!so, now i have to go to trainning...wow, tell me something new! =) have yourself a very merry little christmas!
photo by spsit's one of those nights when i have the luxury to stay up late and get in touch with myself. i already wanted to switch off the c0mp and go to sleep but watching the blog of one of my ex-boyfriends made me think to write a post on my own blog.
today i was at a volleyball match and my ex was shooting photos there. it made me go back in time. remember things. and then also a long almost forgotten friend found me on one ofmy profiles. so i guess today is a day to remember old stuff. sometimes when i try to find reasons why my life went as it did, why certain things happened as they did and not in any other way... i kinda understand that they had to happen to me, because i did some stuff in my past, so now they're coming back to me. you know what they say... if you do something bad, it will return to you twice as bad. and it does, i swear. so now i really try to do stuff that don't harm anyone in any sense. but the most important thing from all of this is to be honest.
so anyways... i was writting this message to Maša, the friend that went to live in Australia after spending months on a ship working and then meeting there the love of her life that is now her husband. and they will live happilly ever after... and while i wrote this message i realised how many things i did in this realtively short time since she's gone. and i feel sometimes as if nothing is ever moving on!? i guess we have to do this sort of things to remind ourselves where were we and what have we become. we do change, just that sometimes we need more time to realise how.
i'm reading a book called The society of spectacle. it is a frightening book if you think about it. it talks about our society and how we live and yet we don't actually live our lives. we are observers of an spectacle that is going on in front of us, taking our lives, our time, our money, our souls. it may seem dramatic, but it is so. i started to observe the world i live in with more openned mind and openned eyes. we have to sometimes just become observers of your society so that we can see what is actually going on.
today when i was at a volleyball match there was this huge mass of people all cheering for their team. i experimented with my perception... in one moment i was like all the other euphoric cheering crowd and in the next moment i froze inside and just observed all the chaos. i felt strange. i felt as if right there, right then i was in the middle of my life spectacle. it was a strong comparison with our lives in general. i was scared you know. scared that there are all this huge masses of population not aware of what has been done to them, is still done to them.... but then again.. my fear is real! there are this masses... and i'm just one little tiny piece of it... where are the other invisible pieces that sometimes do go beyond this spectacle to take a deep breathe and stop all this pharse!?
this is for today... can not hold it any longer, i'm too tired, i have to switch off!
i sometimes have a lack of motivation for doing stuff, well you all know how that is..i guess it happens to everybody. my problem is that i always want to be good in anything i try and if i don't achieve satisfying results in short time i quit. but don't get me wrong, it's not like i wanna be better than other people i don't compare with others, but i compare with myself (if that's even possible) and if i think i'm not good enough (good enough for what?) i stop doing it. i've often thought about why is this so and i kinda came to one answer. this could sound very cliché, but i'll blame it on my parents, particularly on my dad. he's the one that has always been expecting a lot from us. in anything i did i had to be good in order to recieve some notice, of course nothing was ever good enough. and anything i picked to do in my childhood (and still now) is just a bunch of bullshit to him. but the problem is that he often has no idea of whatsoever what is it that i do. i'm not saying he's always done the wrong thing in my education and all.. for example he gave me this idea in my head that i had to stand out from the crowd, which i find good, but the bad side of his education was that you always have to prove yourself to him. and i find that absolute nonsense. not then and not now i have no intention to prove myself to him, if i ever did so, i did it subconciously. i don't find it necesary for me or him to do it.
i believe that his desire originates in himself, not in us. because of what he never achieved in his life, he now is passing his unfulfilled wishes to his children. not necesarily the exact same things...but simply the fear of non succes of failure. i can not explain his behaviour in any other way than this.
i know i'm not a professional psychologist or anything, but i'm almost sure that i didn't miss my point a lot. i mean there has to be a logic explanation why would a parent constantly call his own children losers and making them feel nonusefull, unsuccesful and stupid!?! i'm glad i have so much brains in my head to have come to this conclusion and can now live like a normal and selfconfident person.
but think about all those children that are serious victims of their own parent mental abuse. it's not only this, there are many, many ways of how parents can metally abuse their children, i know some of them cause they are happening to me. so i'm often thinking what a responsible role it is to be a parent. a lot o people don't realise that. they just bring all their traumas and fears on to their little creatures.
uf, it's a hard theme i've brought on... i didn't even know i will write about it. many times when i start to write my blog i don't know what i'll write about. this time i was looking at the picture that is posted at the top of the blog, it is my sister sitting on the staircase of a church reading a book. i love her. and i love my little bro too. he's not that little anymore though, he's turnning 18 on saturday. oh sure..he's gonna be so responsible from then on..just as i was and my sister was! =) hehehe! we're still kids and i'll always be their older sister officially. but sometimes i changed the roles in the family and i became the parent of them both. but i guess that's another hard debate. i'll leave it for some other time.
Špela
Bojchy
Matejka
Khathka and Perii am in love...but don't ask me who with, cause it's not the right question. i'm in love with today, with all the days that resemble this one, all the moments when i feel at the right place at the right time. it's a feeling when you don't need to specify the exact cause of your happines cause everything around you makes you feel as if it's just as it is supossed to be. for those who had a feeling like this in their lifes, they know what i mean..and for those who didn't..i wish they would! it's saturday, and since couple of weeks ago this is the day of our weekly reunions with my girls. and i have to say, i'm so blessed for having them around. i just feel so nice when we are sitting together talking about everything, huging each other, laughing together...it is the time we took for ourselves and we have to cherish it. for the first time now, i feel like a woman. sharing all this secrets and problems and thoughts with other special women that i love and respect. it's a feeling i wouldn't trade for anything! =)
past two weeks i'm in constant pain, because of the car crash. my back hurts in any position i am, doesn't matter if i sit, stand or lie. it's not pleasant at all and not even painkillers help to get the pain away. it's a shitty shituation, but i'm kinda hanging on. i mean i'm devastated cause i can't do capoeira, so now i'm participating on trainnings only by playing on instruments and it makes me feel bad in a way. but Ubaldo seems to have realised how he needs my help. and therefore i try to give my energy to make the quality of the trainnings go up. yesterday i couldn't last till the last trainning cause i was in pain so much, so i went home. but later on he called me and asked me how i am. i think that was really nice of him. then i also got a message from some of my capoerista friends that told me they missed me on trainnings. all this blessings are making me even more connected and devoted to our group.
i'm hopefully finishing my project for the kids on schools, so after new year i shall be able to present it to some of the local schools an start to teach children capoeira.
