today is a quiet day. my obstacles seem so clear at this moment. and they are that i want to go. i no longer wish to stay here in the environment i am at the moment. yesterday i realised how free one must feel when one loses the feeling of guilt, of owing something to others, of not being good enough...and just listens to himself and does what feels right for him, only him. i know there are always 3 truths...our own truth, truth of the other and The Truth, but we must surely always follow our own for it is our path and we have to follow in order to gain the experience we have come here to experience and then luckily learn from it with as little suffering as possible.
Sometimes I think people around me are far more advanced than I am, but the next moment i change my mind. I am struggling with this doubt all the time. but by the end of the day I say to myself, what does it matter where others are, or aren't..I mean really? how does it help me? I just think it's good to always leave the possibilities open and never dogmatically determine the surroundings you live in for you can miss something important for yourself. I just finally want to stop feeling guilty because of all these feeling I keep inside me. I think I unconciously told myself that I should no longer feel love towards certain people for it is not safe, and then I said I shouldn't feel angry, and sad and resentful...all these restrictions I've made for MYSELF just pushed me into some strange darkness of my own limitations and they are keeping me inside and I feel like I'm caught inside myself unable to breathe with ease. but now I realised all this is just a product of my own ideas and limiations and it is only me that can liberate myself from them. and that's great...cause I am my own maker, my own god.
make peace with yourself and wrap yourself with unconditional love...for that is the true meanning of your life.
i seriously need to stop poisoning myself. but the fact is that i have no idea of who am i anymore...i just started to cry, out of nowhere...the cup just filled and tears started to pour down my face. i am scared. all that is happening to me, is it real or am i just living an illusion of something i want to believe in. but i don't even know what i believe anymore. i don't know anything anymore. the more i dig, the clearer things seem to appear at one moment...the next it hits me really hard as it just did and i crush! not even knowing why. at what point will i clearly distinguish where, what, when and why?
i know we have to attain consciousness all the time for it is not there to stay once you understand its meanning...but am i really so fragile that out of nowhere this pain and confusion and fear comes and just BANG takes me on the ground!? yeah, great excuse...it's just your ego....but obviously it still rules over me so strongly that i end up being all lost and crying like a baby. i feel so stupid sometimes because i'm so convinced that i've found something bigger which then hits me back with such a strong punch straight in my face that i can not recover for long time. and i know life consists of ups and downs, for if it would only go up...one could end as a monsterous creature of unimaginable size. maybe that's my problem...that i get so scared when i'm feeling down as if i've lost something i've already found and now it has been taken away from me...and that is exactly my ego talking!
we learn..every day, every minute we learn...if we want to of course. i am learning.... how to surrender....again i cry...for i don't know how to surrender, because i am scared. but the funniest thing is, i have no idea what am i scared of. can you think of a more stupid thing...being scared of not knowing what...
dear divine oneness....please let me surrender without fear....for i intend to search on....i am not giving up!
what can i say... I guess the story works for me. but does it really? does suffering means that it works for me, for anyone? somehow I doubt that. i mean seriously, i am amazed over the enormous capacity of our body and mind that can take so much negativity and suffering. because we all know, we suffer as long as we can take it and as long as we don't learn the lesson. but if i am aware that i myself can change that condition which i do not feel pleasant in, why not do it? what am i waiting for. and why am i constantly adding new and new tests just to see if i'm already there. where? i don't know...where am i going? maybe that's the problem, cause i want to go somehere instead of just being here and now. sometimes i just have a feeling i can not resemble between my ego and the consciousness. ego is so very smart that it can fool you, and considering my life before i started to consciously listen and observe and i now know was etremely conditioned by ego, i sometimes suspect that my ego is still very much trying to convince me how i am not ready yet to be enlightened, that i have to wait a little more, to suffer a little more. but that all is in total contrast to what the truth is, that the only time one can be enlightened is here and now and nowhere else at any other time. yesterday evening i realised that i am scared. and i started to almost cry, which i haven't done since long time. i am so scared, but the problem is that i don't know exactly of what. could it be, that i am scared of letting go all of what i now believe to be and to be free. if that is so, then i am certainly still deeply in my egoic mind which is trying to attach me to my story, to my conditioned state of living. you see, that is why i have to write my blog...because here my thoughts get clearer and i can easily see what's going on inside me. i'm not saying that i know the solution immediately, but it certainly helps to audit what is going on within me. so, now i have to work on my fear. they say, one should do at least one thing that scres you every day. today i did one, but afterwards i wasn't feeling any better, actually i was feeling worse, as if all past fears and pain and feelings would come back. so now i don't know if i did that because i wanted to free myself from that fear, or because i am still clinging on my past and am not capable of letting go. i don't know how to let go, i don't know how to accept the now....i just don't know. and then on the other hand...these wierd things are happening to me. i've had an experience that i don't know how to describe. it happened to me a couple of times before already, and yesterday again. it usually happens when i'm in bed. the thing i find strange is, that i thought this can only happen when one is totally present and without thoughts in his mind. but i wasn't in that state, i was full of fears, doubts, thoughts, pain....and suddenly i felt as if i am not present in my body. i didn't feel where my body is, couldn't find it. i knew of course that i'm on my bed, but when i was trying to locate it with my senses...i just wasn't there. as if my consciousness would move out of my body and float somewhere across the room. it felt funny and strange, but at the same time it was an overwhelming experience. and i didn't want to return to my body. i tried a couple of times, but every time i got close to returning i sort of stopped. because the truth is i didn't want to go back. and now i'm asking myself why i didn't want to go back? and it's a damn good question.
today my pain body arose from within me. i think it already was preparing since yesterday but i didn't let it! i'm having insomnia again so i am weak and easily my mood can change. so therefore i am fully attent of what's going on inside me.
i realised something this very moment. i am open like a book to anyone that wants to read me. i've read somewhere that when you fully open yourself and show all your strenght and weakness, nothing can hurt you anymore. i believe that, so i have no problem in writting these posts here. but i know a lot of people do. they hide themselves behind masks of various types and forms. someone said to me, i can as might as well hide behind mine if i want...but i think he was wrong. it doesn't matter anyways, because nothing is really important. yesterday my capoeira mestre said a thing to me, that made me laugh. he said i should be ashamed of not participating in various events, because i think they are not important. hahaha, and i was thinking to myself...oh, how right you are mestre, nothing really IS important and the least my participation there. but how could he even know that, capoeira is his life, his daily meditation, his bread and his breath..his ego feeds on that. i really love him so much. and i also know why, because the more i'm coming at peace with myself, the less important his presence and that of others is becoming. because i do not let the collective conciousness deceive my real being. it just is as it is.
and one of the important lessons today besides staying consciouss about pain body rising was that i have to practice what i learn on little things. because it's easier and i can then easier overcome failures that come now and then. i was always trying to master what i read on biggest issues i momentarily have...and of course i failed at times. and failure consequently takes the enthusiasm away and energy...and then we all know what happens....kachiiing, the ego comes back and the voices in your head start controlling you ;)
well, as for my last thought today i will just finish with....rammmmm da.
as i said before, there comes a time for everyone, when one is ready to accept the truth and the beauty of life. noone should be worried about others if he sees that people around are suffering because they are unconcious about life, if they don't understand that nothing really matters because everything is exactly as it is supossed to be, and that the only way we can change anything is if we create life in this very moment of now.i'm amazed. amazed how beautiful my life is, and by learning from my actions every day. when i think i already mastered something, i put myself on a test. yes, it's true we always put ourselves on tests, us alone, nobody else is doing that. people in the situations are only actors of the movie we ourselves are directing. they are not really important. but because we give them importancy, we experience those situations as bad or good, or whatever. but the moment we realise that everything is honored but nothing really matters, and all people around are just teachers that are teaching us OUR own lesson about ourselves, in that moment we can be free from suffering. and as long as we unconciously pull the energy from others, because we want to feel fullfilled by others instead by ourselves, we will never be calm and peacefull within. because it is a totally misinterpreted approach. just two days ago i've had another test. i know i created it, and i learned one more thing. what others think about us, doesn't matter. i mean why should it matter? usually we care about others people opinion, when we care about someone. that is because we are energetically connected with that person and we exchange energies. but when we stop that, it doesn't matter anymore. think about it, do you care about what a guy from other part of the world thinks about you? no, because you don't have any interactions with him, and your ego can not feed on his energy. i mean of course we are all part of oneness, but ego feeds on energies of people close to him. and when we are conscious enough to manage to recognize when someone is taking our energy and tries to feed on us, we are also able to cut the connections. and therefore close our energy field for that person. as it is written in celestinian prophecy there are 4 roles in human interactions for power and control. and if we are aware of those roles, we can also consciously deny to play those roles if someone tries to put us in one of them. because power and control are only a reflection of insecure ego that needs to be fed. and to finish today's post i have to say something. my blog exists for the meere purpose of unfolding of what's going on inside me, and it is not intended for mass popular dispersion among people that know me or not. i think nobody reads it anyway, i don't care if anyone reads it or not, because as far as i am concerned it reaches it's purpose when i write what lies on my mind and press the post button. i've realised that people sometimes get the wrong impression about my blog. it is completely understood, since not everyone has this habit of expressing themselves through writting. but blogs are like personal diaries. and if someone recognises themselves inside my writtings, it is not my fault or anyones fault. i usually don't use names, and when i do, i know it is harmless otherwise i rather avoid it. i hope that if anyone reads my blog, they can be open enough to accept it and maybe think about what i have to say, and maybe...try to gaing something good and inspiring out of it. afterall, we are all students of life.
Četrto spoznanje po celestinski prerokbi je vpogled v bitko za moč in energijo. Konflikti med ljudmi izvirajo iz potrebe po vladanju in nadzoru nad drugimi. V pogovoru z drugim je lahko človek močnejši ali šibkejši, odvisno od tega, ali je v pogovoru prevladal, ali ne. Temu se reče manipulacija. Vse se vrti okoli iskanja načina nadzora, ki bo zagotovil nadmoč nad drugim. To je ves razlog nesmiselnih sporov tako med posamezniki, kot med narodi. Najbolj problematični so te relacije v odnosih staršev do otrok, saj se po tej liniji škodljivi vzorci obnašanja (kraje energije) nezavedno prenašajo iz roda v rod. Po energiji hlepimo zato, ker nas to navdaja z ugodjem in občutkom varnosti. Energetsko telo enega človeka poizkuša zaposesti telo drugega. Na ta način si škodujemo in si krajšamo življenja, vendar pa kratkoročno zmaga prinese motivacijo, ki nas spodbuja k še večjemu nadzoru nad drugimi. Ko posameznik doseže, da se energija poslušalcev steka vanj, se izraža z veliko lahkoto in misli ima kristalno jasne, ima občutek moči, a darilo ne traja dolgo, saj imajo ljudje omejeno energijo. Torej, kraja energije je posledica občutka negotovosti in šibkosti ter boljšega počutja, ko jo dobimo. Se pravi, da četrto spoznanje razgalja veliko tekmovanje za energijo in moč.Try to be more understanding. The power of the mind lies in perceiving differences; the power of the heart lies in perceiving similarities. Which power are you using?
do not dwell on your past for it is a meere illusion. i am laughing at all these spiritual saying because they are simply too simple for me to get them. i am happy. i am happy, because i've already have had this glimpses of concious being and i know that it is not impossible to get there again. but i am observing what is going on with me inside and i find it so interesting, because i'm almost as a perfect learning example of all that which i am reading about. i know now, that some of the things that happened in the past if they happened to me now, i would probably try to handle and react to them differently and that i think is a progress. but thinking about it, i had to go through all that for reaching the point i am at now. otherwise i would probably not understand.
these past few days when Patri was here, were so fulfilling. i have never imagined that we have both grown so much and in the same time reached the same state of conciousness. it was truly an overwhelming experience and i feel even more connected with her now. but the other side of this time that i spent with her was that, when she was gone i realised that there are so many people around me, that don't know that side of me. i know it is my fault i guess, because i kinda judge people in sense that i decide whether they are open enough to be able to accept all that i have learned about our conciousness and our ego and everything else. and if i think they are not, i simply don't talk about it with them. i guess that's also okay in a way. because everybody has to personally grow and the transformation starts when one is ready. as it started for me. but the thing is that it's so stupid, that for many of us it has to be something really hard and painfull to wake you up and make you think about all his. well, now i know that pain is mostly our unconcious state and the painfull it is, more unconcious you are about life. and by knowing that, you also know that it is only you that can change that if you want of course. and i surely know i want to get rid of it.
i fucking love my life!!!
Let your love flow outward through the universe, To its height, its depth, its broad extent, A limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, Sit or lie down, As long as you are awake, Strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth. - Sutta Nipata
