my first, my last...day

i have three things that can describe my december...presents, COLD and alcohol. not really promising huh? but you know, you always comfort yurself it will get better in the next year.. hehehe! wel, i'm not saying it's bad, it's just that i realised how all this euphoric karma all around gets you in the flow and suddenly you find yourself kinda lost one morning when you wake up. but hey, i guess we need to losen up a little once in a while.

so lets see the most important things that happened this year. hmm, it is kinda hard to sum it up..i don't even remember everything that happened but seemed very important at the time. it's because we live here and now and the things that already passed are losing their importancy, i guess. for me i guess one of the most important things is Aleš coming into my life. i was just thinking beofore that i wished for him years ago, and now he's here. i actually was thinking about him, i just didn't know it was him then. and here he is, teaching me things everyday even if he isn't aware of it. i think i'm becoming different or at least trying to, cause i admire some of his virtues that i am also longing to have. not to become the same as him, but cause i've always wanted to change some things but couldn't. he is my teacher, my friend and my lover.

the next thing is my diploma. slowly coming to the end of it. not the biggest nightmare anymore. kinda strange though, cause for two years it was like a heavy cloud over my shoulders. but we survived that too.

and my sister moved away. my roommate since she was born. i still can't remove her things from the room, cause it feels strange if she ever comes for a visit and not having anything of hers in the room. but i'm happy for her. cause i know how hard it is to stay at home.

there is also my capoeira. i can't even believe it sometimes how it gets to me. not just capoeira itself, but especially the people there. and my role inside the group is more often a burden than a pleasure. that is definetly one of the things i will have to handle.

but on the end i always say to myself...it is not the new year that will bring me changes, cause it is always ME that has to act. so no matter new year or middle of august, it is when you move from talking to action when things begin to change.

25.12.

i really don't feel like talking about my feelings about christmas and all that comes with it...but if i would have to tell one thing i like about christmas is that i love the colored lights all over the house and the smell of a fresh christmas tree. the end.

real E.T.

fasten your seat belts please and go for a ride with me. a ride into unknown directions of my so called reality. lately i've been often thinking about the fact that hat we see is what we believe in and what we know. there's this theory that we're sort of unable to project or materialize the things we're not familiar with. so our reality is actually a selective world of our own beliefs? kinda hard to believe or imagine that huh? like what does that mean in practice, that if i don't believe in something and my friend does, i will not be able to see it even if would be in the same place, same time? he would be showing me something that i won't be able to see cause i wouldn't believe in it?



so what we think is what we materialize. but are there limitations? i mean how many realities can fit into one place? then it is maybe right, the theory that says there are several realities coexisting like parallel universes.

and what is all that talk about common conciousness? on what level is it common? where we all vibrate on the same frequency and see, feel, touch same stuff? and what does it mean all this...do wee seek to find one and only common conciousness or are we to preserve each ones own. what is better for us?

heavy traffic and waterfalls

rainy winter is continuosly following us these past days. people are all nervous because of all the water that's falling down our pretty earth, but nevermind them, as long as i'm holding on to my sunshine inside myself nothing can get me. i feel allright you know, suprisingly not paying any attention to the rain which i usually do. i guess it's because it's not really sooooo important. and even my low pressure doesn't take this weather into an account so i'm not as eager for a cup of coffee as i usually am. well, it doesn't mean i'm not drinking it, but it's more a matter of habit than anything else. and i got a coffee machine from my mom for a christmas present, which makes me drink it even more than before.



i've been earning some small money in a fair trade shop. interesting experience indeed. it made me really think about fair trade and all. cause if you look at it my way, where is fairness in this: some people getting paid for their job and on the other end of the chain volunteers working in a shop where these items are sold? i don't have anything against volunteering don't get me wrong, i think it's great. but i wouldn't call it a fair trade. i don't know if it fits in the concept. everyone should be fairly payed for what they do, that's fair. isn't it?

so how's my diploma progressing? due to my newest injury i'm still not able to walk normally so i wasn't able to go on a another field check, but i think this weekend i shall make it there for the final round. of course with a helping hand of my boyfriend, who won't let me go there by myself anymore..hehe!
and the biggest news of them all is...that my little sis moved away from home. so now i'm staying in this big room all by myself. of course i already made some furniture changes so now it looks as thoughas it's even bigger than before. and i have two beds, two desks...total luxury! hehe

heavy massive stuff......

i feel like being on speed. but i'm not of course! i just had about 5 cups of coffee and one redbull through the day and ate almost nothing. yep, that's how it works with me. there are days when i do that and days when i do all the things áu contrare. i like diversity in my everyday life.



i was on a working weekend session at Špela's house. it felt good and not at all as i was afraid i won't be able to work on my diploma in a different environment. maybe i could do that again. but i hope i won't have to, since i wanna finish my diploma as soon as possible. let's just get it on with it! because i think i'm already in a phase when i'm simply adding things to make it look better but the result is unfortunatelly just the opposite. so as soon as my knee is better i'm off to the field ckecking the last things and then we're done! finito! the end! savršetak! fim! =)

buyaka, buyaka..jungle is massive!

this and that...

some posts back i wrote since i can, walk, talk and sing everything is worth fighting for. but what now, when i can't walk because of my knee?? ehehehe...
is it still worth it? it sure is!



nothing special today, only that i've watched this strange movie called puffball. can't say anything else, but strange. the end. if you wanna know it, watch it.

and by the way...Anja told me she's getting married in June!!!!! yeah i know..that's nothing special...hahahaha, but she told me this over the phone as if it was something that happens everyday. i really won't go into another of those posts where i write about children, marriage and all. but i still didn't change my mind about it. i absolutely don't think it's necesary to marry if you love someone, but i do not deny that one day i will say yes. the time's just not right to think about this sort of things. end of story.



p.s. but i will get bloody drunk at her marriage! OMG, does that mean i'll have to organise her dekliščina?? w000oooho0o000 ;)

p.p.s. and why the f*** are in the jokes that include marriage men always the victims?!?!? that's like totally not fair and stupid. =p




my little sis is moving on her own! i love her so much and i'll miss her terribly! but i will totally re decorate our room...then we'll be able to have angola rodas in my room! hehehehe! ;)

s NOW

it's snow time....let the snow begin! yeah, until i'm staying inside my cosy room. but the minute i'm setting my foot out, it better be nice and warm and sunny!

i know, i know...seasons of year, and all that is normal...and we should be happy we at least have some snow considering all the climate changes upon us. but that doesn't mean i have to be happy for setting my shoe into a deep hole of snow, feeling every snowfall inside my socks, and having to wear scarf, gloves and the warmest jacket so as not to be cold, but looking like a snowman not being able to move normally! hahaha...well in a way it is rather amusing. but the best thing with snow is..that i get to play all those 'stupid' winter songs of frank sinatra and company that fit exactly into the white scenery of the landscape and everybody hate! in fact i think i'll make a compilation right now and put it into the car.... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....jingle bells, jingle bells....

and just one more thing. from all the weather changes the FIRST SNOW has the leading part. just think about it...who ever minds when it rains, or when the sun is shinning...nobody notices it's the first rain or the first sun... but when the first snow comes...everybody is talking about it! and 60% of people on facebook have their status updated regarding this event! lol! and as i come to think about it..it's not even FIRST one this year... cause as far as i know year counting starts on january the first and it surely snowed since then! =P

bah

nobody told me that making diploma was life threatening =) so there i was yesterday on a field trip to make the final research for my diploma, and since Ljubljansko barje is a swamp and since the underground water level was high there was water everywhere and i really had to watch my step. so i was jumping over this melioracijski jarek and my leg slipped when it touched the slippery ground. my balance let me down, and my knee had this really unpleasant experience. so now i'm in my bed, unable to move properly around cause it really fuckin' hurts if i do the wrong move. but it all wouldn't be so tragic if the doctor wouldn't told me that it's gona hurt for about 6 weeks and i really shouldn't do capoeira!!!!! WHAAAAT, ARE YOU NUTS!!!! and just as i was organising myself a new capoeira course! and in two weeks there's also our anual workshop...! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!! and that's for now..i have nothing more to say! my life is twisting and turning in wierd ways....

the power within ourselves...

i love mornings, i just wish they would start little later. i usually don't believe all that beauty cosmetics crap they're advertising, but there's one thing i came to a conclusion. skin actually needs beauty sleep! that's why i sleep as long as possible, cause i love my body and i want it to be healthy and beautiful. hehehehe ;)

but that's not what i wanted to write about today. today's theme is about love. cause that's all there is to it..love is the ultimate feeling. love is vibrating at the highest level. for some time now, i'm into this theory that everything we feel is vibrating at a certain level and the highest and strongest vibe is when you feel love. i'm not really a religious type of person, but i do find these kind of scientific mysticism very appealing and easy to adopt with my level of knowledge. it is just the right amount of scientific proof mixed with just the right amount of spiritualism that you can't call it a religion and not even science, since some of the researches are not widely known or accepted.
the only thing that bothers me here, that i find it hard to talk about this with my friends. on one side it's because it's a wide subject to explain it to someone that doesn't know anything about it and on the other side, cause many people are not prepared or open to these kind of wiev over the world. well, on the other side maybe this is something one must alone come to a discovery of it. as i did. and i didn't feel as if someone is convincing me into anything. cause i was the one researching and being curious about it.


it all started with my interest into the secret society of freemasons. then a friend opened my horizon with some videos. then things just started to come by themselves. and everything was conecting with one another in one way or another. but one thing is certain...our mind is absolutely amazing and much more capable of what we can imagine, so there are unlimited possibilities that i still have to discover. an the other thing is that we are limited by the society and many times we can not or won't develop our potential for various reasons: fear, limited mind, social acceptance, lack of knowledge about the subject...
so that's why i think it's very important to at least TRY to discover who we are, what is going on inside us, outside of our world, why do we act as we do, can we change, why are we different from one another, what is the purpose on this earth....all this are not just philosophycal questions, but our self-development which enables us to grow as a individum but yet as a part of something bigger, some kind of united conciousness...

if anyone that read this blog wishes to know more try to start with movies such as: what the bleep do we know, the secret, dr. quantum video, powerful speech...from there your path will guide you on by itself. believe me it doesn't end there. many will say..oooh those are only some comercial blaberings....yes, if you stop there and don't do anything about it!! if you really wish to find your mind potential which is by the way huge believe me, you have to train your mind somehow.
and people around the world are doing this in many ways, some say global conciousness is rising..what does that mean... for those who know or have heard about so called 100th monkey theory it may be clear, but to those who don't let me quickly explain the thing.
the scientist were doing a research on a group of monkeys in the wilderness. they threw them sweet potatoes, but they were thrown into the sand so they were all dirty. The monkey liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant. so there was this one monkey that discovered that she can wash the potato in a nearby stream and make it more pleasable to eat. she then thought the other monkeys to do this too. but with time also monkeys on other islands and new born monkeys knew how to do that without anyone teaching them. how is this possible? because the united conciousness was developed on a higher level.

the 100th monkey theory



and human conciousness is working in the same way. just think about children of our time. if you compare their knowledge with your at the same age..it increased! i'm only 26 and i can say that for myself. i see the progress in human mind. it's amazing!


well, i guess today's post turned out to be little longer, but i just felt i have to write this things down. maybe someone will find something worth exploring or thinking about.

let's make a hit...to beat all the bitchez!

miss kittin rulz! i tell you, her songs are one of the most ironic, provocative and cinic. i admit i have troubles with her music, but when i'm in the mood, i think she's the queen.
how about this: show me your tits, and let's make a hit.
i'll beat that bitch with a hit,
i'll beat that bitch with a hit....
you just gotta love the song! the tittle is requiem for a hit if anyone is interested.



anyways, lots of things going through my mind lately and there are moments when i'm actually worried what is happening to me. i'll explain what i mean. i have this wierd moments of total let's call it depression, when i can't do anything but lay on my bed and stare into a point on the ceiling. why is it happening...some say, you get post-diploma depression...but i think i have pre-diploma depression. if it's even possible, but considering my mental state that's exactly what's happening. cause no matter what i wanna do, i always bump into this wall where it says, STOP, finish diploma first!

and i'm always worried and preocupied about something! and Tanja is probably not even aware that many, many times she opens my eyes to another point of view. i guess that's what friends are for. i know on the end i'll be okay, it's just that time in between that's killing me. waitting for something to happen. i swear, sometimes i feel like living in twilight zone or even better...waitting for Godot! i now understand what Beckett wanted to say =) hahaha!

and then there's of course capoeira. how could anyone thnk this post will be totally without nything said about my capoeira. two things happened at the same time and they're both big time news. first is the bad one and it made me really disapointed and angry, and it came to this that i erased a so called 'friend' from my life. i've never done this in my life i think. intentionally i mean.
and the other great news is that i earned my first pocket money so to speak with my capoeira lessons! and it's not just about te money i recieved, but more of a simbolic way of looking at this. capoeira is finally giving me something i could only dream of. now i can say that i belong to that tinny minority of people that ake money with something they love and enjoy in it! and that's one of the most valuable things in life. i know i could not survive from this moneay, far from that...but just the feeling...oh, it's great!

but by the end of the day...i guess i'm okay and as long as i'm able to breathe, walk, talk, sing and play berimbau...it's all worth dealing with. therefor i believe all this shitty juju will once be substituted with rainbow juju!

so hail to the ranbow juju...or whatever!

kings of tomorrow

lately i'm having troubles wth my capoeira trainnings cause my back is killing me. it happened again one friday, when i was practicing martelo rolando. not a very healthy movement if you suffer from back pain. and so i'm standing aside these last couple of weeks, just observing the trainnings and make myself useful as much as possible. and it's killing me not to be able to do all the great things others are learning, while i toque atabaque or pandeiro or berimbau. but as always, i know all this is happening, cause of some reason. and i'm patient. i'm not that unpatient young capoerista as i used to be. i'm changing and growing. and it's okay. cause i know, when i'll be okay, i'll just train as twice as hard as the others and ill catch up ith them. but it's not even about catching up with the rest of the group, cause afterall i do capoeira for myself on a first place, and then it's for the group.

i've read mestre's Acordeon book. it was the right time and place and i'm happy i didn't read it before, as i think every thing has it's own time. and as for these things, i think a capoerista has first to experience it's own capoeira inside his own group and only then after couple of years he is prepared to absorb the experiences and knowledge from outside world. it's the same as we grow up. on the beggining of our lives our world is our family and then we slowly start to discover the outside world, when we are prepared to.

so, i think i'm at this stage in my capoeira life, when i've become to the end of my puberty and i'm prepared to step and deal with my capoeira on a higher level.

fall...

in this dinamic and fast way of life i often forget how good it feels to walk in the woods, listen to birds, the sound of the leafs in fall, feel the last sun rays on your face...and what a calming effect it has all this on your mind. and if you add a loving person next to your side..it's a winners combination. it may seem little senior-like, but i've been told a million times that we should learn from older people's experiences. and here i completely understand why, cause it feels good.


sure, i'm not saying i don't like my city life, but every time i visit country side or just travel through a beautiful green landscape...it reminds me, how we used to walk around mountains and woods with my dad and how i used to hate all those family trips. and look at me now, writting hymns to all that what i thought back in those days were just stupid ideas of my father. i'm not afraid to admit my wrong if i find it i was wrong, it's just that sometimes i'm so stuborn that i simply have to come to certain conclusions myself.


so, i think it's time to take some time off an go, as they say in the rasta world,..back to the roots!

...

being in love is magic...nothing beats the feeling! but falling in love once per week, for the same person..that's impossible to describe...feels like, feels like..khm, dunno... devine magic!! and so i pass the days in total happiness, sometimes forgetting the world around me. i know it might not be healthy staying at home all day and all i think about is how i'm gonna see his beautiful face when he visits...but this is how it is now and i wouldn't change it for the world. on sunday i cried next to him, i still don't know why, was it because i was so happy to be next to him or because i was so sad knowing i'd have to leave soon. and every time he is next to me just smilling or looking at me i feel it, i feel all the love on this planet surrounding us both together.

close to me

i've had only a couple of really close friends in my life. and i know that a friend is really my friend when i can't sleep if there's something wrong with our relationship. if we argue or we don't talk...cause then i know that i really care for that person and it makes me sad deep in my heart if i see the person but can't talk to her. i know it takes two people to argue and i'm not saying that half of the guilt isn't mine....but if true friends are really true, i believe there's always a way in making it right again. it may be hard if these two persons are so different as me and tanja are, but i just can't stand the feeling when we argue, it hurts me really bad and i'm sad.

shine.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuHzxk9RysA

since you've openned up your heart and shined on me...my life is enormously colorful. okay, i'm not saying that it wasn't before, but how could i not see rainbows all around, if there's so much love coming from you. and what greater is the feeling when your man is looking at you with passion and desire, even when you're dancing among fifty other hot looking girls in the club. it's how it's supossed to be...at least how i see it...we have to be adored, loved and cared for..even with all this emancipation thing, women simply need men to do this. i guess some laws just can't be ignored, no matter how we try. but it's funny though, cause other species have it the other way around...for example all the males are usually all colorful and nice..with human specie is the opsite, women wear make up and dress up, to look good for men. another proof, how humans always walk towards natures ways... hehe!

anyways, shine on, shine on you crazy diamond!

if tomorrow my life starts...

all the capoeira happening that is going on lately makes me realise more and more, that where i stand is the best position i could possibly be at. don't get me wrong, nothing is perfect and there are million things to do and to worry about...but suma sumarum...i'm climbing up a steep mountain and i know the mountain will not collapse cause it's strong. cause what i get at the top is more i could probably swallow. there are million possibilities of where i could go, what i could do... but i've come to the conclusion that, why search for capoeira outside, if i still have so much to learn where i am now. there'sno need in being so hasty and unpatient, the only thing i have to have is determination and will of doing this beautiful art of moving.



so, i'm only my diploma away from the beggining of my other half of life. that's what i call it at least. i still have no idea of what i wanna do, but i'm really optimistic about it actually now that i think about it again. i won't close my possibilities in any of the paths i'm walking on currently... cause i like to walk them all. i could teach capoeira, i could work as a landscape architect, i could go and do a license for a turist guide, i could become a journalist... so among all these posssibilities you can see it's really not easy to pick just one, cause they're all tempting and dinamic.


my friends are all moving on their own...well, they're lucky enough to have rich daddies that are able to give them apartments, i'm really happy for them cause i know how hard it is to get something like that if you're just an average citizen...but it also worries me cause when he time comes for me... don't have any idea of what will happen to me. well, i guess i will just leave this heavy thoughts for later and now rejoy with the ones who are lucky.

chidren, marriage and other wierd stuff

so i guess we are in those years when our friendz start to get married and have children! i'm scared... and it's not because it means we're getting older, but because i personally have no inner desire to start thinking about those things and it scares me that the surroundings will make me do it. i still feel like a teenager. and it's not that i'm not ready to take responsibility for something like a marriage or a child, but i think it's certainly not the time yet. but then again, our lives are different. anyways, i was thinking..i ike anja...she's my kind of girl...i think my life would look like her's when i start living with a guy. no desire to marry or to have kids...as if i don't have other things that preocupy my mind, who needs marriage and annoying little creature running around the house. hehe...i know some of you may disagree now, but hey, that's my current opinion, i never said i will not change my mind. since my life is full of situations that i was always saying, will never happen to me. if i learned one thing in life is that you should never say never! because you never know...heheh!


anyways, alenka is pregnant for about three months. when i found out she is, i was happy for her and all..of course, but on the other side really surprised. cause she was always on my side of he world. but as i said..you never know what life brings you. can you imagine that after that, i was dreaming about ME being pregnant and it was really scary. and even in my dreams i didn't want to be pregnant. i know a lot of you probably don't understand me, but i am scared the hell out of pregnancy. i can't imagine something growing inside of me, moving all over my belly and kicking. it is disgusting. i'm sorry, i can't help it.
and the after i kinda accept that alenka is having a child, Alja invites me to her last single party! as if i didn't have enough of surprises! ehehe so, we had a party, a damn good one! i think she really enjoyed it, and so did we. we made her do really stupid and funny stuff. but i can't tell, cause men are not supossed to know about what is going on at these parties! ;) so, farewell Alja...i wish you a great marriage and i wish it would last till the rest of your life..for real! i'm so happy for you, if you're happy for you! so on the end i hope everybody will be happy and everything will turn out the way it should!
as for me..i couldn't be happier as i already am with my Aleš. he's the sweetest man i've ever had. and i'm not saying this because we are currently together, but because i really mean it. things are the way they should be and they function and there's no stress or anything, it's just pure co-existence, enjoinment of each others presence, the touch, the smell and the feelings that burst out when we're around one another. so i let the thing be as they are and follow them as they go...or to make it simple... i just flow, i don't push.

movie star

a friend told me about this really easy to use and fun programme for making movies. i've spent whole day playing and composing surprise movie for my sweet Tanja. here is the result... i'm so proud of myself!

- isms

sometimes it's good to write a certain periodical dairy so that you can monitor your emotional development. i usually write when my emotional state is slightly out of balance...in a good or a bad way. i am either happy and full of energy or pesimistic and sad. when i'm balanced i can't write, i'm little boring in that condition actually.

anyways, what is my emotional condition this time is the next question. it's pesimistic and bad. full of worries and negative thoughts. and what's interesting here is, that my state can actually be wiewed from different point of wiew and it does not bring the same picture at all. as far as i'm concerned everything's bullshit at the moment, but Tanja showed me that it is not. so what will it be? i think i'll go with the sunny version and try not to be over runned with the rotten pesimism of this shitty day.

the return of the good

i was lost,but now i'm found, i was in a bad juju, but now i'm fine =) that's how the story goes,up and down and up again. at the moment it's rising from the valley of the shadow of death...(remember the famous song from the movie?)... well, it wasn't so bad, but i can't seem to overlook the fact that my headaches are the consequence of the stress i've been under lately. indeed a wierd thing, this new age stress! what is it anyway? newly invented state of mind, some already call it a disease. clinically treated and all... rather scaring ain't it? as if we already don't have enough stuff messing up our lives.
you wanna know what i think? i know you don't..but it's my blog remember?..so i'll said it anyway... i think we all just need a little more loving and well do just fine!


another good juju is rising upon the sunny side of my life. i hopefully finally wll start to teach children capoeira. tomorrow i'm off to set the final stuff at the loca school and then all i need is kids to come running to my classes! and i'm the master of disaster..hehe! well, i already have to members...but i don't know if that counts since one of them is my best friend and the other my boyfriend! LOL
anyways, keep the fingers crossed that everything goes well! and if you know anyone that would be interested, please do give him a notice.

tata

the missing kolešček u glavi

na jetra grem sama seb..to pa je bed đuđu a ne?! kaj si morjo šele drugi mislt pol... no sj ni važn, sm lih zanč alešu razlagala kako je to, kar drugi mislijo o tebi samo njihova stvar. ampak sj kle res ni važn, kaj si mislijo... ker se tut nimam časa z drugimi ukvarjat, če nimam niti tok moči, da bi poštimala svoje podstrešje. šakalakaboom!
verjetno bom enkrat kar zginla in me ne bo noben najdu. pol bom pa pršla nazaj. =)

to je pa tut vse kar sm hotla povedat.

carpe momentum, carpe diem, carpe anno

today is the first day of the rest of my life :) don't you just love this sentence. recently i was often thinking about the saying that goes CARPE DIEM... and by my surprise i've come to the conclusion that despite all the good and positve things we can find inside this saying, there is also the dark side. on the end you realise it's all about interpretation! of course!
let me explain how i see it... since i'm this typicall student that is supossed to graduate already a year ago, but still hasn't found her place under the academic golden sun, i am alays preocupied with my diploma. but the problem is that this is almost all to it..preocupation and no action! really stupid i know, don't need to hear it from you too. it's the forbbiden subject among my academic coleagues that are in the same position as me.
and so i'm living my fullfilled life, doing everything else but writting this huge sheet(shit) of paper. and i'm saying to myself, one day my dear, one day you will graduate for sure, at this moment(when i'm doing something completely different) just carpe momentum. and you see it's not productive. oh, i can sease the moment, i can sease the day i can even obviously sease a year...but there is still fact of reality..i'm still NOT graduating from landscape architecture in a while.
so my friends, help me out here..correct me if i'm wrong about carpe diem sentence...but it is not the most perfect sentence in the world. it is actually rather seductive. so on the end it is i think obvious that there is nothing left for me but to move my lazy brains and carpe diploma once and for all! right?!
why thank you for making me see clearly now... ;)

for today i'm done, but believe me i have more to say about this subject of diploma.

life's good, voda vre...

today's a good day, and i mean good when i say so! i'm full of energy and positive vibes, and alongside there comes of course some groovy, pussy house music and a cup of sweet coffee...with bunch of hot summer sun and voilá, there's a receipee for how to feel like me. but watch out if you try it, it might be too much for you, cause it's a really great feeling!

it's true, life will smile for you..if you let it....

foi na beira do mar

where am i...somewhere between wierd delirium of hottest summer sun at 4 o'clock, sad whores of my life and late trainnings on the lonely beach..just like the song is saying...

foi na beira do mar,
foi na beira do mar,
eu aprendi a jogar
capoeira de angola,
na beira do mar.

it wasn't the best day i've had here in Lopar, but it sure wasn't the worst. on the end it turned out kinda okay. i am now reading this best seller from Gabriel Garcia Marquez called The sad whores of my life. really kinda grotesque story but at the same time so gentle and sad. a 90 year old man falls in love with a virgin that he wishes for his birthday. and after spending one night with her, not having sex or anything, just sleeping in the same bed with her, and after that many nights forward, he falls in love with this girl. but the point is that she's always asleep when he comes to the whore house, because the landlady of the whore house always gives her calming tea, cause she's too afraid. so he is actually madly in love with a girl he doesn't even know for real. so what's the point of the story...is it about this poor mans life, or some wierd sad madness, or love or... fiction...is love a fiction?
obviously one doesn't need a real person to love, our imagination is endless and we can simply make up our mind of how we want the other person to be, or even how the person is, no matter the true facts. love is blind...exactly...
and that's exactly what i was thinking on my way back from trainning. every love goes, until it's blind...but true love starts when one opens his eyes and starts to see the true picture. and when the real side of the story starts to function, it means it will last. at least that's the way i see it.

anyways, the other thing i wanted to talk about today is my capoeira. of course, if it's not love it's capoeira...so i was feeling kinda sad and melanholic today and i knew that i simply have to go to train a bit. it always makes me feel better. and so it did this time. and whilst i was aproaching my beach where i train, i started to spontaneously sing the song foi na beira do mar (i went to the beach, to learn capoeira angola..) and a sly smile appeared on my face. it became obvious that there is no point in talking and spreading theories about capoeira, for the one that really feels capoeira everything comes by itself.
and the wind was blowing, the dawn started to fall down to earth...and i was streching and moving my body in most wierd ways for an ignorant observer. luckily this time, i had the pleasure of being alone there, not paying attention to anything or anyone but me and the sand between my toes, fingers and my hair. the wind was actually helping me with my balanca, when i was doing handstands it pushed me from behind so i hold still for a moment. a short one, but to me it seemed like forever. and this kind of things make my capoeira stronger and better.
imagine next week, when my berimbau arrives!

love or how did i discover hot water

i know i'm supossed to be on vacations, avoiding all this internet s***, but there are really no rules on how vacations should be spend, and if i find certain joy in writing my thoughts down, and if it's on internet..why shouldn't i. i've always been kinda rebelious, so here i am in this wilderness almost in the middle of nowhere with my laptop, writing my blog in this late afternoon.
sun is slowly getting down, the heat is becoming bareable so i can actually breathe normaly, water is my main ingredient that floats down my throat, and i can't think of anything else but how much i wanna be with him. i'm here for 2 days now and i already (or still) miss him.
thanks god for modern technology so that i can at least hear his voice on skype. yesterday we had really nice conversation, i feel that i can talk to him about anything, and tell him just about anything that comes to my mind. i don't know if it's just me that changed since my last relationship, but i'm sure it's also him that makes me feel this way. yesterday before i feel asleep i was thinking about all of this and i kinda realised that what i feel now is this pure essence of love. i think...what else could make me feel so euphoric and calm at the same time, and make me wanna spend all my time with him and tell him about every little and stupid thing that happens to me.
but here i am, spreading all this 'smart' theories about what i feel...when they have been already told. an i'll tell you another theory, always give a tittle of the post on the end cause you never know what sh** will come out on the end... =)

maria estava chorando,
porque seu amor foi embora,
maria estava chorando,
porque seu amor foi embora,
foi la pra beira do cais,
jogar capoeira de angola...

only that this time it's the opposite... he stayed and i went to the beira do cais ;)

sunflower field

there is a sunflower on my desk, bringing sunshine to my life. i got it from a person that is currently number one for me. meanning that i'm in love with him. and it's funny, because things i say i will never do or will happen to me, ALWAYS happen! and this time the murphy guy wanted me to fall in love with a guy from my capoeira group. i still dont believe it, and i'm taking it day by day, moment by moment because it's like floating in seven heaven. there's this totally nice guy, sexy as hell, kind and warm...plus he's doing capoeira which is ''only'' my favourite thing in life...and he's in love with me! i mean...how lucky am i? at the moment i think i'm the luckiest woman on this earth!! let it be this way....

save all your kisses for me

what's love got to do, got to do with it... you know the song? of course, who doesn't. and it's a question of the day... is it finally the moment that this crazy bee is starting to fall in love after all this time? is it? does love has anything to do with it? is it just a crazy dream, momentum of summer haze, too much vitamin D and happy hormone, too much love movies? i don't know... but i'll tell you this... i feel like in high school. i haven't have had this kind of situation since ages ago. it's refreshing and totally nice and i wanna just keep it happening, until it will last. cause after that i don't have any idea where it may bring me.

let it be, let it be...speaking words of freedom, let it be... i like my version better!

i love those little tinny butterflies in my stomach that are coming back after long time.

saudade năo é hóje...

i have a secret. it's almost too big to display it here so i'll rather keep it for myself for a while i think. it's a nice secret, a sweet one, one that i haven't had for quite some time now. and i'm jealous of sharing it now.

we were in milano this weekend, it was a capoeira thing of course. and it was one of my hardest weekends ever... i don't think i was ever so exhausted, mentally and physicaly. jerneja actually congratulated me for being in such a mood, meanning noone is used to me being like that.

i'm still thinking about it, why was i like that anyway. i have had many sleepless nights with school or a job next day...but i don't remember having such struggles inside me.
i guess a big part of it was the contribution of me being the only portuguese speaking slovene and i automatically was translating every word. and not just on trainnings, but then also everytime someone wanted to speak to Alegria, or Alegria talking to any of them. i was in constant contact with humans... i was outrageously nervous!! i remember craving for a hug from someone, saying it's okay just calm down.
my feelings about this event are so mixed i can't decide. i have had a good time, and i have had bad times, i have had revelations and i have had hardest moments of anger and most beautiful moments of happiness and love...all together...wierd sensation indeed. i guess i liked it all, exactly because of that... the rainbow of feelings that i had to face.

saudade năo é hóje,
saudade năo é agora,
sauade é amanha,
quando meu mestre foi se embora....

you know what i realised...that we are truly obsessed with capoeira. and there is almost no chance NOT to be, cause if you're not really into it, than you don't do it. and how did i come to this conclusion? simple... we were having a party for Natasa's and Ana's birthday and what we did all evening, we were playing video clips from our batizado and put cd on repeat mode. OMG!lol
okay, we were not like staring at the screen all the time, but just the fact that we actually spent 80% of our time talking about capoeira, sometimes scares me!

are my lattest posts really boring for the people that don't do capoeira? i guess so. but then again, it's my blog, so i get to write anything I want, right!?

seriously, i could refresh it with some other news from my so called social life..if there is any left beside capoeira life!haha!
i am just healing my yesterdays hangover and i was watching this movie that was talking about life and love and the meanning of fulfilled life..what does it mean. nothing big actually. it's wierd to say, that fulfilled life is nothing big, but you can look at it this way too. it's life, nothing else.
maybe hangovers are not the best moments to be writting abut this stuff, but even these are a part of life. they're not really fulfilling, but as i've come to this lots of times in my life, if there wouldn't be bad moments in our lives, than we would not appreciate the good ones either. there is always ying and yang, black or white, good and bad marching side by side. that how it is.

and there is my relationship with Jure. it's something i have never experienced before. well, it's like totally different from what i had with S, but i'm not mourning anymore for the lost and gone. i believe S was the thing that you experience once or twice in your life, but it doesn't last. you never forget it, but it can't last. and with jure on the other hand is the thing that can last. i'm not in love, but i didn't expect me to be. being in love with S fulfilled me, and i am now almost in harmony with my innerself i could say. i don't know if this is the best way to put it, but let it be.


watching this movie today was the first time after we broke up with S, that i missed being in love. it was a wierd feeling, and i didn't like it at all. cause until now i was kind of okay and satysfied, and in a certain moment i felt this anoying feeling of needing something, missing something. and i'll definetly try to avoid it in the future you can be sure of that. as i've learned in my life is that happiness is a state of mind and nobody else but me is responsible for my own happiness.

o que mim falta?

it's getting hot outside. i mean it's normal and everything, it's just that with this heat it's unbearable to live in the city. it's not even july yet and i'm starting to get unpatient..i miss Rab. where is that 4th of august..pff!

we started to have trainnings in Tivoli. i mean not oficially, but during the weekend we get together with capoeristas and train. it funny, cause Batata is now acting different since i have higher graduation than him now. but i don't feel it anyway, i still respect him. yesterday in Tivoli he was leading the trainning and i was admiring him, how much he knows. it made me think, how many things are there that i have to learn. and i realised that graduation of your belt certainly doesn't reflect your knowledge.
and i was observing others during the trainning. it was so nice to see, how we respect each other. and if Batata is leading the excercise, then we all have to listen and follow. and that's the way it should be. and i'm scared if one day i'll have to be the one doing that. cause i'm not feeling as i'm capable of doing that. i mean it's different to work with children as i'm used to that.

and there was a special moment when i was doing some excercise with one of the capoeristas. we didn't talk, but i was feeling so happy and there was this really nice energy between us. capoeira is indeed non-verbal comunication between two people. imagine how strong is that. much more, than some loud words that can be easily lost in the wind.


estou feliz, nada mim falta.

all the stuff and of course batizado

so, we kinda closed the year around with capoeira. i said kind of..because it never ends of course. there were first years of capoeira in slovenija where e finished our trainnings after batizado and all fell asleep during the summer. it was hard coming back believe me. but we're getting better and better and we have better organisation, more enthusiasm and more energy to do capoeira from dusk till dawn as to speak. batizado passed. some people are dissapointed, some are thrilled...how are my feelings? well, i was thinking, why i don't feel that enthusiasm as i used to. but then i realised it doesn't matter, i had a great time even though for me it didn't seem as batizado, at least not as my first one. but then again, how could it feel. i guess also my involvement in capoeira world has a lot to do with it. i live inside this society for 4 years already and in the last year with a really strong attachement. i wonder how professor must feel about batizado, for him it must be even harder than for the ones that are to be baptised. but nevertheless, it was greeeeat! as i said yesterday when we were talking about our impressions about the event...i enjoy the most the social side of these kind of events. driving in the same car for 3 days, getting to know each other, sleeping in the same room, taking breakfast together, trainning together, having great time in general..all this makes me feel so happy, because around me there are magnificent people that always put a smile on my face. and now, that it's over... well, for us it began...if it ever ended...imagine roda..a circle..how can it end..it just goes on, and on, and on, and on...into forever.

a moment for a thought

sometimes i feel like writting, but just can't get my thoughts up straight so i change my mind. and i was thinking, maybe on fridays after capoeira i can clear my mind so that i can think clearly and it's easier to write. cause again i'm somehow confused. so many stuff going on in my mind. first of all i wanna say i'm thrilled cause i passed climatology AT LAST!!!really proud of myself!now i just have one more exam to go and i'm almost finished! weee....

yesterday i was out partying with some friends from capoeira. it was so nice and i realised that everyone we met was from capoeira. i wouldn't even notice that fact if Mojca wouldn't ask everytime someone new joined us if he or she is from capoeira! and indeed they were... amazing! my capoeristas...i love them so much!

saturday was a wierd day. we spent all day at the seaside and it was grea. but at the evening we had presentation of capoera on a festival. the energy flow was wierd and everything didn't end quite okay, cause Batata got hurt. my ancle was also hurting bad when we played roda in the backstage. and amongst all, there was some unpleasant energy going on between some of my friends and i really didn't liked it. again i was the stepping stone between everyone. believe it or not..i was happy when we've got home safely.


i'm spending more time with Pipoca now. we've become really good friends. even though we are different, i care for her deeply as she is such a sweet person. and she always makes me laugh! and she always finds a word for me, when i need it! even though she can be real drama queen as she is sying, when i have a problem, she always helps me with some positive and realistic advice. usually i'm the one that is doing that for people, so i find it really refreshing if the help is mutual on both sides.


now, i'm going to check on my vitamin bomb that is supossed to be waitting for me downstairs in the kitchen! the heat is killing me...i just can't eat during the day!

sun, sea, capoeira

i'm gona go talking about capoeira again. can't help it, it's my life.
the oppening season of outdoor presentations is here and i'm so excited. it's like when summer comes and you fall into this feeling of happines and freedom. and everything looks so nice!
i'm so happy...
this friday we were in Kranj. although i had a terrible headache i was excited an in a good mood. it's not just the moment when we have a presentation, but all the driving, talking to your friends, having fun, getting to know each other..well, you know what i mean. and i feel that my role inside our group has sometimes greater impact on people than i think. in a positive way i mean. which is good and always gives me energy to go on and to know that i'm on the right way.
next monday i have a meeting on one of the local primary schools. i'll start to teach children capoeira if they'll be interested at the school. i'm really excited!..and proud of myself. i've just realised i reached one of my goals, i've dreamed of for some time. i can't even recall when did i decide that one day i'll teach capoeira, and now i'm actually at the point when it's all coming true. i know i have so much to learn, and i'll never learn all that capoeira has to give. but the fact that capoeira means so much to me and that i'm going to be able to give piece of my passion to someone else as a mentor, as a teacher... i can't remember when something like this happened to me in my life. i'm gratefull!


so, next staurday we're off to Piran...yeeey! sea, sun and capoeira... sweet essence of being...

overload, selection, quality, quantity...

i like to consider myself as a very open person, rather comunicative and kind..a profile that can easily connect and attract many different people. but have i ever thuought all this could be a problem? honestly, i didn't!
but it turns out people demand their amount of time and energy and are often unable or unviling to accept and understand that life is a process and in ones life there are different periods. within this period you need certain things to grow up as a person and certain things you simply don't. it's nothing bad at all, it's just life.
so me as a giving person come to a problem when i simply can not satisfy all the needs of others, and then again, why on earth should i? we are all creators of our own happiness. responsibility in on us not others to make us happy.
why am i writting this? cause at the moment my life consists of a narrow circle of people and things that i do. i have my graduation thesis to finish so it is necesary for some selection to be done. and there i am, facing the doubts if i'm handling the situation right. i love my friends, but i simply can not and will not adapt my life to them at this point. it's hard, but on the other hand i could use little compassion and understanding here.
again i'm faced with all the complexity of human relations....and in the last few weeks i realised is all about attention. wierd, cause sometimes i wish i could just be there in the middle of the crowd, but be invisible. not talking to anyone, just feel the moment.

eu sou de ninguem, eu sou de tudo mundo
e tudo mundo é meu tambem...

(i'm nobody's, i'm of the whole world,
and the world is mine...)

how was my birthday roda

lots of times after my last friday trainning i feel the urge to write something here. i don't know exactly why, but i think the fact that capoeira takes like almost 50% of my life if not more, has something to do with it. it's normal then that there are massive changes inside my mind and body after icome home. it's strong, capoeira i mean. it gets into you, it starts to move your physical and mental edges and makes you explode once in a while. i've seen it happen to me and to others so i believe in it's power. i remember one time at trainning when i rushed out of the gym crying with no special reason. something moved inside me and the tears just came out rushing down my face. and how can you say after that, that capoeira is just a recreation and nothing more. anyways, this is also the first time that i have some really special friends within the group. and yesterday was one of the hardest days we've had together. everything was so emotionally tense that i was so confused, cause i didn't understand what exactly is happening. then i got into a sort of a fight with the professor, which was even more frustrating. i know it's hard to work with him and all, but i hate it if someone is putting blame on someone else, especially cause i didn't have anything to do with the problem but he twisted my words and made it seem i'm the core of the problem that appeared withing the group. it's hurts. so we talked and cried and played capoeira and cried some more and on the end everything ended okay.
the one thing that hurts the most with all this is that my birthday roda was not exactly how it could be. but nevertheless, what it matters is that now we're even better friends and we've hopefully all learned something form all this mess. to tell you the truth i don't know what exactly was the real problem. i was just in the middle of all this mess because i'm the only one that knows portuguese and could translate words. maybe i shouldn't have.


i realised many things whilst my time with jerneja and tanja...and one of them is that i feel like i'm living on a totally different planet. my perception of things is completelly different. so in a way it's good to hang around them so they can give me sight into the dimensions i wouldn't normally fall into. but on the other hand, i like my little bubble that i live in, my little dreamy world of goodness and harmony here everyone is nice to everyone, where everyone respects each other and never argue with noone, where love, peace and harmony are truly the way of living.

i'm a hopeless dreamer...