hear yourself out

my blog is my therapy room, my sanctuary and my mirror. i need it. might be odd, that i am willing to expose my deepest thoughts here on this ''almighty web'' where everyone can acess it, but i like to think that despite these being my very own personal issues i'm dealing with, i am maybe also stimulating others in re-thinking theirs. anyways, that's not what i was intending to write about.

again i'm having insomnia nights. this is second one in a role. might not seem like a situation to panic about, but insomnia reminds me of some of my darkest and hardest nights i've had in the past year. i do not wish to go there again, ever! i know that the fact i was home sick for 2 days now also has something to do with my current mental state, but that's not an excuse to ignore it. being with yourself for 2 days can open doors you keep shut whilst spending time around people simply because you don't take time to listen to yourself. and i have a slight idea of where all this thoughts are coming from considering the fact i'm sort of starting a new chapter in my life...or at least i'm trying to. but there are all these fears an doubts and wishes and dreams i'm dealing with also. i was completely fine...until the fresh wind from Germany blew straight into my head. i've seen these scenario with one of my friends, and now it's happening to me. once you establish a fully functional and autonomous self, you kinda can get attached to that stability. and the moment that something happens that can change that, maybe even crash that stability you've worked for so hard on your own...you panic! because let's face it, we are all afraid of changes in one way or another. afraid because we get too attached to our situations. exactly what Eckart says...we identify ourselves with the situation, instead with our state of mind. and we think that new unknown situation might ''jeopardise'' what is known and comfortable to us. and that's exactly what i've did...but wasn't able to see it up till now. see, here is where the Heureka moment pops up..the lightbulb over my head! that's why i need to write my thoughts down.

earlier this evening i was watching some new documentaries about the ''New earth'' as Eckart calls it and everyone is talking about. i've heard it so many times now, that these things just coe so normal to me. i guess changes that everybody are talking about are trully happening to many of us, and i certainly hope that soon the majority will accept that we need to change our way of thinking in order to live up to our full potential. that is my greates wish..that i would be able to live up to my greatest potential, to be able to understand what is going on around me, why is it happening, how can i really change it and make it the way i want...because i know it is possible, i just haven't figured it out how!

say cheese, take a perfect picture!

i love to take pictures, i love to be on pictures and i love taking them. i like having them to remember the good times in my life. but looking at them often also reminds you of some past moments that are now almost forgotten or maybe even painfull. i also often think about why is it that i like to take pictures, because people say that the best memories are kept within your mind not on the pictures. it's true. and it is also true that often looking at pictures can bring certain situations or people alive, even though they are not in your life anymore. and i think there is a catch that can be limitating...because memories define you in one way or another. good or bad...you can stick to them and they prevent you from changing. and that's what i'm afraid of sometimes. i don't want to be defined by my memories, because then i won't be able to think new ways, new ideas, new concepts, cause then i'll be stuck in a gap of my memories.

but how can one liberate thyself from that? it's a million dollar question! i'm trying to find out that. as it so happens i fell into a situation that makes me deal at the same time with my past AND my future. and if i'll be too much influenced by past i won't be able to progress at present time so consequently i'll start repeating my past. and that i definetly don't want. but it's funny though, because i was brought into a situation that contains a person from my past and it is now up to me how my actions will be, will i continue my past reactions or will i remember what i've learned the first time and with that knowledge progress here and now, having the chance to upgrade to a state where i'll reach what i've always believed the picture could look like. hopefully i'll be smart enough my fear won't disable me from making the perfect picture, perfect.

truth, my biggest dream

i think truth is the best thing that we have to offer. and noone will convince me, that it is not liberating. telling truth even if bad, makes you feel lighter, more free, relaxed...it is the moments before telling it that are downbringing. and since i've talked much about balancing energies, i will say this here too...telling the truth brings balance, because if you keep something inside, whatever it is, you're often lingering on that and if it's strong you automatically attract the thing you're trying to avoid by keeping it inside you.
i know why we keep things inside instead of telling them out loud. because often we don't want to face the consequences. because we are maybe afraid of reaction, because we know what the reaction might be, or because we think we might get hurt. i know i do. but on the oher hand i am so happy that i have people around me that i can at least try to have clear and open relationship with. and even if sometimes i think it's too hard to tell the truth, on the end i find it the only right thing to do if i want to free myself from all the frusrations and fears and energy nodes i have inside me. and how did i come to this today? well, i was talking to a person that without knowing, put me on this test. at first i didn't want to reveal what i really think and feel, but then i realised that it is the only right thing for me to do. if i expect it from others, i have to be the one to make an example and just come straight forward with my inside. because when you're 100% open, in my opinion not a lot of things can hurt you. if you say i did this and that and i'm like this then there is no effect if someone puts a mirror in front of you and tells you, look this is who you are...and you say, yes i know, i told you, i didn't hide anything. and when you're brave enough to show your weakness, then you're actually the bravest and the strongest one. so, my plan is to play open cards as often as possible. yeah, call me a dreamer, but at least i have one.

ego-dio-tism

lately i'm asking myself a question whether i became too insensitive to my surrounding. i seem not to care much about situations around me as i did before, and sometimes i'm surprised with what ease i am doin it, even if people i care about are involved. i mean it's logical to me, that i won't cry just because my friend is sad and she or he cries. but even inside me, i sometimes don't feel anything...like a compassion or sadness or anything similar. so talking to them can be seen as insensitive, careless adn strange. i would like to believe that this is a sign of being able to look at the situation from objective view and give objective and sensable opinion, but nothing more than that, since it is not my problem or situation. because i see that people a lot of times put theirselves into the situations that are not really theirs and try to suffer equally over the same thing as the other person. what's the point of that? the result is negative, since you have then two miserable people instead of only having one. but then the question arises, how much sensitivity is enough and when is it too little? i admit, i'm kinda avoiding conversations with people that i know have problems, because i simply don't want to waste my time with listening to problems of other people, i surely have some better things to do. of curse it's not always like that, but many times i'm so tired of same old, same old conversations we're having. i've became quite an egoist in a certain sense, and by that i mean that i'm egoistically choosing how and with who i'll spend my time. and i always choose good, positive and bright over the bad, sad and negative. because what i've realised is that we are always alone and we are masters of our time and our life. so why not pick only the best for yourself? you certainly deserve the best.

an interesting thing happened the other day. i've realised that i still have a thing that belonged to my ex and i wanted to return it to him, because i felt bad having it since it was his. so i've wrote him an email, asking him when can i deliver it to him. he then responded that he actually doesn't need it back because he kinda gave it to me, i didn't know that. anyways, then he invited me to have a coffee with him. and that's the funny part. why would i want to go for a coffee with a person i haven't seen or speak to for like half a year, made me go through some tough times and is today nowhere present in my life, except as a long lost memory. i was not upset or anything, i was just surprised. i didn't know how to reject him nicely, so i just thought ignoring the invite would be the most meanningful way to do it. and as much as i wanted for us to remain friends after he left me, i've realised he is not a kind of person i would want for a friend, because i know what i expect from my friends and he can't give that to me. and to drink coffee with him once in a while just doesn't seem necessary. yes, i admit it still hurts a bit too, since i've trusted him completely...but let's be honest, after all i've learned in the past year...trusting that guy would be a complete idiotism.

to give for give

guilt usually seeks forgiveness. but the big Q here is...whose forgiveness and why? if i do something wrong why do i need someone to forgive me my mistake, if i know that i've did something wrong? it's just a fact, and nothing is changed if someone else forgives me for what i did. because doing something that you think you did wrong, should be forgiven only by yourself. and doing something that someone else thinks was wrong and you not seeing it so, does it also need to be forgiven? if you didn't think as wrong while doing it? and again we are at the question of various views over the same situation that can vary. i read somewhere that we never see things as they are, we see them as we are...and that's exactly what i've been saying. doing something wrong is only wrong because you see it that way, or someone else see it that way, or the society around you says that's wrong. but in the basis...it's only plain situation that is as it is. you know? yeah, it is kinda hard to understand..but it really is simple.

if i decide someone is doing something wrong i'm not trying to convince him that he's doing it wrong...i tell him my view and i leave the scene. but he funny part is that often people run after you and try to either convince you that what they're doing is not wrong, or feel guilty and try to get your forgiveness. isn't that funny? why on earth should you change your behaviour based on someone else's opinion, only to get his or her approval? well my friend that is in my opinion a sign of low selfsteem and insecurity. i try to show my friends that despite my disaproval of their behaviour, they can freely continue act as they wish. and depending on the type of their act i shall only decide whether i want to stay close to them or leave. it is only your decision if you will change your behaviour in order to make me stay, or keep on doing what you were doing not paying any attention on my presence. i'm not saying it is simple to do it, since we are not acustomed to act this way, but giving such situations importancy, makes them even harder. i know it did for me, long time ago i gave a lot of importancy to certain people and actions. and the hardest thing was to admit to myself that i need to let go and accept their behaviour as it is, even though for me it was the most horrible thing someone could ever do. but today i stand here and i know that i am here because of my own choice i've made and because of big sacrifices i did..but only for myself, because i love myself so much today. and every day i am trying to accept that fact, that people are different and that everybody makes their choices and they show their choices with actions..and actions matter, because they make you decide whether you want to stay there or go some other way. and i will forgive myself of not being able to fully understand and accept that fact until today, and i do not need to forgive anyone else.

strong words, weak people

interpretation is everything i think. and interpretation can divide us one from other, because it is the subjective opinion of a person. and if i interpret one thing in the way that satisfies me, is that right or wrong...can it even be right or wrong? i wonder if it is possible to see things only as they are. what that even means? i've been hearing this sentence over and over again. just try to see things as they are and don't judge them, evaluate them, label them. it's hard to not be judgemental about a thing that someone does to you if the person is for example your friend right? because you have certain expectations from that person, like for example that he or she will never hurt you, or betray you, or lie to you...it's hard not to get upset if any of those things happen. and we think in this case, that something bad happened to us.
but in my life i have had situations like that happen and i soon realised that these people don't actually matter. it might sound terrible saying your friends don't matter. but in correlation with situations that happen to you, they are just meere stuntmen that help you shoot your scene. and after the shoot you let them go, thank them for their cooperation and let them go. i needed a long time (well, it's all relative) to actually feel what i in other ways understood. because mind and soul are often strangers, which they shouldn't be. and the more distant they are, the longer we need to process certain things. and since in order to process certain things we need a lot of energy and time, it is also logical that that happens faster if we are alone. so now, if we sum all this up we can again get dfferent possible interpretations of the results...either it's better to be single if you want to progress, or that a lot of people hide behind false relationships, because they can not stand the thought of being faced with themselves. and the ironic thing is, they don't even know, they think they are fullfilled with their 'other half', but the truth is, they lost the other half of themselves which is usually their soul, and think someone else is going to fill that space. and the third interpretation is that ones that are conscious enough and are also in a relationship, usually either take longer or work harder to reach the balance between their mind and soul and if in that time their relationship doesn't fall apart, they are probably as twice as happy and proud.

i don't know...those were just my interpretations of some situations. they are not wrong, they are not right. they are just possible to be. but the thought that got into my head to day was...that if we are all a part of oneness, than we must in order to reach our higher selves, first accept all that what is happening around us, all the people, even the ones we were hurt by, because if you don't accept every tiny part of oneness, you don't actually accept a part of yourself!! and those are strong words! do you accept and feel compassionate towards everything and everyone?

balance

lately i'm constantly being reminded i should practice what i 'preach' or otherwise said...walk the talk. i'm getting the message in million different ways...on million different subjects. and that's great, that's the way i self-evaluate. you know? i guess i'm just manifesting what was my decision the other day...to be completely honest with myself. and now, all this situations come to my way where i sometimes catch myself that i'm thinking one thing and doing something else. mostly it's not something huge that can totally change my life or something, but the little everyday things that i do. for example, i'm so loudly trying to promote sustainable way of living and all..but at the same time i find myself buying a whole new bottled water of evian...'because i need the bottle for the trainning'. okay, okay...i am re-using it and all...but nevertheless, i really should buy myself a proper glass bottle or those cute metalic ones that will last for years. and that's just one example. but i think it's okay to do that, because i am actually more aware of my actions and how they are sometimes not correspondent with my thoughts and ideas. because in that crucial moment when i stand in front of the refrigerator in the store i get carried away by thurst, hunger...or some other greedy, needy capitalistic lust.

yesterday i was watching a documentary on Amazonia and i was again surprised over the damage humankind does to the one essential thing we have to even exist...NATURE. the rainforest and the river are one...and so are we, ONE with everything. we just can't seem to get it. and therefore we in order to satisfy 'our' greedy needy capitalistic lust, cut the trees to make space for vast soya fields that are cultivated in the soil soya would otherwise never even lay a seed on. and we make dams because we want more electricity, but from the river that can not give us that what we want from it, because by all parametres the decline is too low and therefore by preventing the river to run it's natural way, we create floods. and we thought floods are a natural disaster...yeah right. and then there is the lake which floods trees which start to rot in the water and the bacteria contaminates the water, the fish get sick and dies and native people are hungry....you see!? it's a chain effect! and what WE get from it?
as i've said once and will probably say many times more...everything is about balance. the energy works like that. it's natural law, the strongest one of all. if there is too much of something on one side, there has to be shortage on some other side...and everything aims to balance this situation. no matter if we are talking about water, food, emotions, wishes, ideas.....everything, on any level.

it's funny how i wanted to write about something completely different when starting this post, but ended up writting about balance. which on one hand is a great topic and basically covers every aspect of our lives no matter what we talk about.

full tank / thankful

despite the fact, i already recognized and dealt with numerous behaviouristic patterns from my past, there is always this subconscious fear of not being able to recognize them if they in some cases come back. and there is this chance if you recognize them, that you won't act against them but again fall on the same track. that's the worst, if you ask me. you all know that expression ''been there, done that''. today i'm there where i've already been and i don't like it. i can't help myself if i spontaneously react the same to certain situations as i did 4 years ago. i can't and won't pretend that i'm okay if i'm not. and since my recent decision of being on a selftest of my own truth, denying true feelings woud be sabotage of my own decisions. so here i am, all in a hormone imbalance, tired, stressed...and dealing with some past feelings i thought i already got over. well, it's not so bad. i won't consider suicide or anything don't worry...i'm just thinking and analysing myself, and i easier do it by writting than in my fuzzy head. so, as i said...having no expectations is a very tough thing to do. at least for me. i don't know about other people but then again, other people don't matter. so, here we are...how other people don't matter if you have expectations, and reaching or failling that expectations makes you feel good or bad. so other people do matter? no, they don't. that's why it's so hard. because we have these roles, rules, patterns and customs implemented in us that we live by, because we were tought to do so...which in my opinion is not bad, because we weren't even aware of it. but once you wake up from this 'dream' we call our life, our truth...we are no longer satisfied with that. we no longer accept certain ways of thinking or living, because we eagerly want to find ourselves, our true and essential being. big words huh? well, i kinda hate it if people get judgemental on this kind of talks...i see it simply in a way that my vocabulary is slightly different from yours and we in a way can not communicate, because some think i'm full of shit or illusionary ideas that are nothing but a bunch of crap. but at the end of the day...does it matter? does it change anything in my world? actually no, i still believe in what i believe and you still are sleeping. everyone's happy. and the truth? well, the truth is there. so you see...others don't matter.

i'm not being nihilistic at all, i'm just trying to explain how i see it. being nihilistic would mean i was a pasive object, ignoring my surroundings and let everything just happen to me. but i try to be the active actor in making things arround me happen to me the way i want them, but at the same time knowing that nothing is so important that could make me go out of balance. that's the difference. and the point of it all. BALANCE. if you're either too much on one side or the other, you're gonna eventually get flipped on the other 'missing' half whether you like it or not.
because life is nothing personal, just balance. the energy has to be balanced in order for this world to remain. and that's all that there is to it, you see, nothing personal. giving importance to things, people and events, creates expectations, and that can create imbalance. and that's exactly what i did today. but because i love myself and i want nothing but to understand and accept things for what they are without giving them importance, i decided i forgive myself and again learned a lesson. i'm not perfect, but i'm thankful.

laugh is always better than no laugh

i wanted to write something a bit more positive today, since last posts were quite downturning. today way a good day. despite problems i have at work i managed to put that aside on my way home and enjoyed my ride. while i was waiting for my bus i was filling myself with sunrays that were pouring from the sky straight into my eyes and almost made me blind. but i didn't want to resist for they may be last bits of sun this year. i wanted to charge myself like a battery and save some of that energy for foggy and cold autumn days when they come. and of course thoughts were slidding in my head up and down, as usual...and one of those thoughts was about a girl i once hosted when she was couchsurfing in Ljubljana. i wanted to hear from here, since she recently moved to live here in Slovenia from Hungary. and what happened 5 minutes later...i pick my phone and she's calling me! and that was not the only event like that today, i've had at least two of a kind in the morning. and then i started thinking about that book i've read...about Transurfing. it's happening to me in many cases that i'm experiencing events and 'coincidences' ike this one...i just don't notice them. and the thoughts i linger on...they are fading away. exactly as he book is saying. and i'm not telling you that suddenly i believe every word of every book i read, but i certainly believe in what is happening to me everyday. where i find it hard to handle is the thoughts and feelings i can't get rid of and i hold on to. and i'm kinda hard on myself in that way. sometimes it's a curse if you know so much theory but you suck at practical part! and i fel that's exactly where i am now. i was already thinking if it's maybe a good idea that i just stop reading and don't think about all those books and movies and audio books i've listened to..and i realised i was a little scared by that thought, because i felt i would lose the guidance i think i need in order to understand the way things work and how to run my life. but just as i'm writting this i have come to a conclusion that i HAVE to stop for a while in order to introvert and start listening to myself and then create what i want, what i really want. to get my soul and mind into balance.



yesterday i was talking to someone i really care about. it made me think about my attachment to that person and all the things i've learned in the past year, about myself, about life, about other people. i don't see attachement as a bad thing, but the question is...how much attachement is TOO MUCH attachement you know? i don't know. it's tricky! i once thought i got it all under control when i was with a guy, but on the end i realised it was not so. i was completely crashed because he left. and i think i'm kinda afraid this might again happen when i won't be watching myself. i was observing my friend that was single longer than me, almost 3 years, and she enjoyed her single life which i totally support but i was always telling her, she should also not be afraid of letting someone close, because that's nothing bad. and now...i am in a way afraid of losing something i've worked hard for. but on the other hand...my freedom is something that can not be taken from me, unless i let it be taken. who i am, cannot be taken from me...because from what i have gone through in these 28 years, i've realised i am the only one that can handle me, that can comfort me, love me, hate me, judge me, care for me. sure it's great if you have someone next to you, but you can never expect someone else to carry your burden, live your life, dream your dreams and feel your happiness. and when i'll meet someone that will be able to share that kind of view and i will also be able to live with that in my mind next to someone i know our energies will merge into even greater one, but yet stay apart and let each other breath. but nevertheless....it's not about that anyway, i ain't searching because these things happen.

cry me a river

i know why my current experiences are important, my mind knows it all. but yet i feel so helpless, i hate this feeling. it's like as if i have no influence of whatsoever upon what is happening to me right now. and i'mnot even capable of just letting go and surrender, because i think my life is going to slip away, to fall apart. but i also in a way want it to fall apart i guess. because i want to see what happens when you have nothing, you are not attached to anything, anyone and all you care about is not carring cause it's the only way of freeing yourself. but the more i try, the more attached i get i think. i mean i wanted just to go with the flow to see what time brings...but i think i'm losing control over what i want to have control over the most, my feelings.

i hope that the changes that are waiting for me in these 2 weeks will really bring me something to hope for, because i feel that it can either bring me down to the ground zero...or i can get lifted and start floating in unlimited zone of my own reality.

few days ago i've realised that we should be afraid of people that don't cry. i never understood people who don't cry, but now i know i don't want to be close to anyone that can not cry. and i'm not saying that because i used o cry a lot, more than i do now. i'm saying it because i know tears do help, they don't help you solve the problem...but that is not always the point. tears help you survive and heal your feelings. the solution in the manifestation,but the tears are more important on emotional level. i'm not saying we should cry like rivers all the time, but when the big heavy ball inside your chest is so big it hurts, you have to let it out first and then continue to think about resolving the problem.

twelve sets of opposite characteristic

' Twelve sets of opposite characteristics are:

keeping silent — talking
receptivity — resistance to influence
obeying — ruling
humility — self confidence
lightning-like
speed — circumspection
to accept everything — to be able to differentiate
ability to fight — peace
caution — courage
to possess nothing — to command everythingto
have no ties — loyalty
contempt for death — regard for life
indifference — love


(Initiation by Elizabeth Haich)

(a)head of time

i think we sometimes forget, we are all humans and we are so much alike, even if we try to be different from the others. i don't know if that is supossed to be comforting of discouriging. but what i've meant to say is that no matter what you may think of another human being on the first look..it may be so far away from the truth. i have come to a notion that everybody around me, has problems, has personal issues, family issues, problems with self confidence and i could just go on and on. on the end i'm no different from anyone i thought is sooo happy, or careless or smart or brave or confident. yeah i know, it's sad, that i am now feeling better, because i know everybody around is going through the same shit as i am...but i actually don't care. it just kinda helps me accept myself, i don't care about the others really. funny though how my friend told me today while talking on the phone that she can not believe how can i NOT be happy with my life, ME the always smilling, happy, careless me? and i really had a good laugh! in these past few days i'm starting to think i'm being too hard on myself. expecting too much from myself and then when i'm not achieving it, being dissapointed over myself. how stupid is that? so, i've decided i'm gonna start going easy on myself and let me do some slips here and there. i know i'm being too hasty many times, but it's how i am. i want things move fast when i get them into my head.


recently i'm having this feeling that time is running out for me. i don't know why, because i'm always the one that doesn't give a crap about age. and i'm not really worried about my personal age or anything, but about losing that sparkle i have inside and keeps me going on...i don't know why i'm afraid i'm gonna loose it in a couple of years and i'm gonna end up cranky and old, not achieving anything. and here we are again? achieving what? what does it mean that you've achieved something in your life? how do we measure achievement? can someone please tell me? again we are caught in this social boundaries, expectations and limits...and if you ask me...well, i think you already know my opinion. GET RID OF THAT ALREADY!! saying it to my friends, saying it to my family, and saying it to myself hundred times per day...but is it enough? does it really have an impact? i don't know, i hope so, i sincerely hope it does! because that is one of the key solutions to start getting back in touch with our inner guidance we all forgot about! inner guidance, remember it everytime you are making a decision. it knows all the answers already. i don't mean to insult anybody here, but people who believe in all sorts of gods..well, in my opinion they are just not willing to take responsibility for their lives. i know it is damn hard to be your own god, to listen to yourself..but as hard as it is at the beggining of that journey, the easier it is later on i think. because you know that you, yourself made a decision and now the consequences are fully under your responsibility, so suma sumarum YOU are the master of your life.


anyways, back to that lack of time issue i've started with in previous paragraph. my friend pointed out a very interesting fact when i told her how i feel. and i would agree with her on that. i am fully accepting the fact that we as a society are going through some major changes on an energy level. no matter if you are or not a spiritual person, everybody is saying that these are wierd and hard times. i have no intention of announcing some armaggedon or anything like that, but i know that something is changing, because i'm feeling it. so, my feeling of lack of time may be connected to this fact. i don't know, just a thought. but this thought makes me think what should i do now. what is my role here? i discussing theories on this subject? i believe we all should, as they say, ''walk the talk''.... but i have a feeling i'm not very good at it. i hope i do inspire people to become more open for new ideas, new ways of thinking, to allow the fact that current ways of lives we're living can be dramatically changed if we change our ways of thinking and living them more conscious....but then again, why should i be all about telling people what is going on inside me, what i think is good for us, for human race, how i think we should live...and i won't aks if you think i'm right or wrong, because the question is irrelevant. it's just about being intro or extro, that's what's confusing. i mean writing this blog for me started as strictly introverted act. and it basically still is, but all of a suden i realised that few people once in a while actually read this, and what i did...well, i guess i started reffering to them in my posts. wrong!? yes, from my point of view totally wrong. and deleting posts because people see themselves in my posts and don't like what they read...totally wrong again. thin line between intro and extro. i guess i can be totally introverted in my posts, but at the same time this blog is so extroverted that you can hardly get it more extroverted except if you're on a cover of a daily newspaper.


today my head is really full, i had no idea it was so full. haha, what does it even mean to have a full head? that yoou're possesed by ego? that you have a really large brain size? that your mind flow is so fast you can not keep a trace on the processes inside? i have no idea...but i know that when my head is too full, it's better for me to stop writting.

i once said to the guy that was the love of my life, years after we broke up, that i'm so happy that i've met him, because now i don't go walking around the world searching for love of my life anymore as many lost souls around me do. and by that i don't mean, that my soul is not lost or anything, because the way i see life now is so much different than back then...but i wanted to use this analogy to point out the relation between a wish, a desire and dettachment from it. when we desire something and we are eager for something, it almost always flows away. that is, if our desire is too strong. that is also why many people don't meet so called 'love of their lives'...because they are always in search for it. you wanna know where i've met him...on a fucking train to Belgrade, travelling to Turkey on my own. never would have expected it, THAT'S WHY it hit me there in that moment. i won't go into details why and when it all started to go wrong, but i can surely tell you from my point it was because i got too attached to him. again...attachment, desire.
i once thought i have so much love inside me, nobody on this earth could bare and on the end it came true, always. too much of everything...and the forces had to balance that in someway...so they pulled the object of desire away, to balance me. i know now, that matter can not exist if there is no antimatter...it simply can't. and the energy doesn't think whether something is good or bad for us, the energy just seeks balance, and where there is a situation of unbalanced energies, it simply has to act. nothing personal, just balance! ;)
today, i have no expectations of whatsoever from this guy anymore, and he came back into my life. i believe we truly are very much alike, but i'm not attached to the idea, that's why i can keep him around i guess. and if not, that's okay too. that's called being in tune with the flow. i wish i could be in tune like that all the time, but it seems so hard sometimes.

cool up'ses VS. collapses

here i am again. trying to get set for launching myself into the world. but then the world hits me back and i land hard facing the ground. so, what's going on...well, you know, been there, done that, read a couple of books...then first you fly, you get high...and then kabo0oo000m, shazaAaaAAm my world colapsed. for three days i'm re-evaluating my life, my priorities, passions, desires, goals...my friends are worried, they say i read too much of 'those' books'...but i'm sure i'm on the right way. obviously every way is not the right one, since we all have our ways, but you can also say there are no wrong ways, because we all choose what we choose. i already know that conotations of wrong and right are subjective and depend from the point of the viewer.
so, let's get down to business because i want to share my discoveries with you who will find it interesting. i've came across a book about transurfing. on the beggining the word itself attracted my attention, but after reading first couple of pages i was all in, from top to bottom, with my soul, and my mind. and it's got 3 parts...so now you may start to understand why i'm sinking deeper and deeper. anyways, this guy Vadim Zeland talks about transurfing. it's a technic with which each one of us can transform life. from my words it may sound like a floscule, but nevermind what it sounds like. i think the trilogy is definetly worth reading. i find a lot of similarities with Eckart Tolle and that's maybe why i found it easy to understand. for someone who never read Tolle or Dyer or similar authors, the books of Zeland would be a total surprise and hard to understand or maybe not. i'm not the one to judge, i'm just a messenger of something i believe it has enormous potentials for human kind. Zeland is also a physics so his language has this scientific like approach from time to time, and maybe that's what makes him so appealing, because we all now how posessed by rational mind we all are. Tolle calls it ego, Zeland calls it mind. Tolle says we should shut down our ego, Zeland talks about listening to a rustle of morning stars...but on the end...it's all the same, it's all the same.

and now you wanna know about my 3 day journey into myself? well, i don't know what's the use. if you want to know what i've discovered, take a look inside you. probably you'll discover the same, but at the same time your own version of it! and that's what's it all about according to Zeland. Our life has inumerous versions. we just have to pick the one we want. that's the main difference between me being happy and satisfied with myself, and me not being happy, working my guts off for my happiness which on the end doesn't come. in paralell universes exist versions of everything, so why not pick the best case scenario for ourselves? the catch is also in what Zeland calls PENDULUMS. and we all know it...we just don't have a word for it and don't see it as a potential 'danger' to our soul. pendulums are all kinds of massive, collective consciousnesses that keep us asleep, that praise our minds and egos, but take our life force, life energy. without us, they don't exist. i will not go into details for it is just too much of everything. just try to find out for yourself.

the last thing i wanted to share are dreams. and i don't mean my dreams, although i had wierd ones tonight, but nevermind. think about what you can do, while you're asleep. when your mind/ego is not at work. you can move mountains. because anything you think or wish for whilst sleeping happens in your dreams, try it it's true. the minute you say i want this tree in my dreams to grow green aliens for example, it happens. and what Zeland claims is that it is the same with our lives...we can have anything we want, we are just simply thought NOT to imagine and believe in things and better versions of our lives. so we don't believe and therefore automatically deny our right for abundant life. according to him, when our mind and our soul are not aligned, we are not aligned with our life line that brings us prosperity and abundance.

that's it. i've satisfied my need to tell and share with the world what i've came up with in these last days, now i'm moving on. will you too?

waves of infinity

today...i'm not all that. i'm nothing. and i'm everything. mixed all together. i'm playing loud music so that i don't hear myself, some say it's also a drug. well, okay then..today i'm gonna get high on music so that i forget me, myself and i.

mind game

i'm playing this game lately. well, it's not really a game, it's a trainning. i'm trainning myself to be honest with myself and the world. and it is so good. everytimei have to do something or say something i quickly examine my inside and how i truly feel about the situation and then try to act upon that feeling. it is not easy all of the time, because we are used to NOT say or act the way we want, but what we think others want from us. it is because we were raised to feed on approval of others. to always think what others might think about this and that. i thought i am not one of those people, but i see now that many times i kinda modify my real wish and the expectation from the outside and mix it together so that the result is as pleasing for both sides as possible. i was surprised over that fact. but now by observing my actions i am consciously trying to always be true to myself. i believe it is not what everyone is capable of doing. but i am glad i am able to change. playing this new 'game' is making me feel so much better and so free i reccomend it to everyone!;)

to give and to for give

i know, i know...two posts in one day can be a bit too much, but i was truly inspired by today's day. it was a marvelous day, being to go through some rough moments and a couple of splendid ones. and all that while staying home alone. imagine that. inspired by what you ask? inspired by life. by everything that surrounds us, everything that's teaching us how to love. i don't know what is harder, loving someone else or loving thyself!? really, think about that for a minute. when you love someone else, you can easily 'blame' him/her for making you feel sad, hurt, happy. but when you try to love yourself, it's much harder to be honest with yourself and to take responsibility for yourself. i cried once today...and it was when i looked into the mirror to see who do i have to be honest with and who do i have to forgive and love without any conditions. it was me on the other side...but the trick is that there is no other side. it's you and only you and you are on the same side, well supossed to be at least. why do we suffer so much? that is what i was thinking and am still thinking a lot about. it is so unimaginable that our mind wants to hold on to all that what we've lived through our lifetime, all that heavy baggage we've gained during our childhood, teenage years, adulthood...hard to imagine that one should in order to free himself just lose all that what he or she thought was 'building and growing' into a person you want to be. it's as if a man would be building a house all his life and on the end tore it down. and because that way of thinking is so unusual to us, we find it sometimes hard to understand and do. but when you get it, it seems so logical to you. you realised that all that you thought you are, isn't really you. it is what you've built yourself to be. the real you is somewhere deep inside, rooted in yourself. that is the person we have to find and to learn to love and accept. the rest of you can be honored and enjoyed, but it doesn't really matter if you haven't found your trueself.

i forgive.

me and the outside

have you every sensed the relativity of time? how sometimes it can be filled with happenings inside and outside your head and you simply forget to observe the surroundings passing by. and sometimes it's empty and long and you wait for something from outside to motivate you to pass the long hours and days. yes, we are truly often motivated from the outside. yesterday i was driving in the car, listening to my friend's music and after a while i said to him if we can change it, because it got me feeling depressed. and he said ''you are really sensitive about the surroundings'', meanning that outside impulses have an impact on my inner state of mind. and i felt bad.

and because of that i started to think about that. why did i feel bad about it, i had no reason of what so ever that i should feel bad about me being influenced from the outiside and yet i did. and i know why, because i have certain expectations towards myself and i did not fullfill them. so i felt kinda guilty. and here we are again with the guilt. not being good enough. to let someone down. how funny, i just constantly keep returning to the same old, same old patterns.

but i don't panic anymore. because i understand where and why they come. and i try to deal with them. i do see a big progress in my relation to the world. i've become more calm, more sure and relaxed about everything, relaxed in a sense that i let things be and if they don't concern me, i don't jump into them. if there is a conversation where i see no common language i let the other person speak on their own. and i'm telling you, people are so convinced about their thruths that they often don't even notice that they were leading a monolog in my presence. but it's okay, because i let them be. it does not affect me. and whenever i realise like i did in the car that i was actually influenced by something from outside i try to understand it. of course being influenced is nothing bad, i am talking about the times when you don't feel comfortable with what you feel. in those situations it is very important to understand what is it all about and if your state is truly the one you want to be in at that time. if not, just change it. it's as simple as that.

liberty

i'm floating. even though it sure doesn't feel like summer, my inner calendar is in tha mood! you know what i mean, i guess unconscious memories of the past summer has awaken my mind and is telling me, now is the time to burst, to fill yourself with all that lost energy you were missing during the winter and in the sad spring. i just kinda lost track of time...i am sucessfully doing it by not taking anything too seriously and just trying not to worry about anything.

the only thing i' wish for right now is a touch. pure, gentle, curious, silent and loving touch of a man. just so to make my senses burst and to open them again. i realised i am still quite wrapped up into bubble of fear to get hurt again and i really want to get rid of that feeling inside me.

push, pull....flow

have i mentioned i fu*** love London!? i guess i did. but i guess it's not just London, i think i'm back, the real me. and i would feel good anywhere else i were, except my home that is. i needed to come here and now i just need to go back and take myself with me. it's so simple really, being yourself once you feel it. and all you really have to do is exactly that, feel yourself.

there is just one thing i'm still having trouble with though...it's the peoples thing. sometimes it's so damn hard to figure out what are they thinking or what do they want. and i don't mean in a way that i'm trying to figure out how to make people like me or give them what i want, but how to get from them what i want or better said...how to synchronize the both sides and get a positive result. i'm trying to hard. the thing that i'm dealing with right now is until where do i go and push my desires and still not invade into others person intimacy and make him/her feel uncomfortable.
i've always thought of myself as peoples person but at the same time i was also bad judge of characters in other words naive and always believed people are good. now, i just don't know what to think about people anymore. but it's probably for the best to let them pass you and stay focused on yourself and they will come by themselves if they'll want to and if it's meant to be...or something. and i guess that's exactly what i'm experiencing now too...in these past two weeks a lot of people said to me what a great energy i have and surprisingly i have had a couple of flirts too. the thing is that everything happened really spontaneously and the minute i started trying for something to happen, it all went down.

it's amazing, truly amazing i tell you. i'm often skeptic about these subtle changes or signs that lead us through our life, but i think i really should give them higher importance. anyways, i'm grateful for everything that's happening and that i am learning. step by step...everyday is the first day of the rest of our lives.

de-touch yourself

funny thing, attachment. really annoying sometimes. i was just going to sleep, did all my usual meditation and all..but couldn't shut my thoughts. and i had to write it down, as i know this always makes me feel better, if not better at least lighter and with clearer vision. i've read something about our passions today, our passions that makes our life worth living and when we're in order with our own passions everything evolves so much easier. and then i've realized i'm probably not fully living within my passions. can't say really that i'm completely out of order, but i know there is more to it than the point i'm at right now, i can feel there is something behind but just can't seem to jump high enough to see it and go there.

being in London away from my 'real' life was a bless for me. to go away from all the attachments and just breathe fully without being worried what's gonna happen around the next corner, who is going to make my day in either good or bad way. and there were certainly more bad days in past months, than good ones. so, then i come here and liberate myself...you know what i'm always saying liberdade dentro da cabeca...and i mean that in many ways. but first thing is to liberate yourself from all the things that are preventing you to live to you fullest.

i'm often thinking about my attachment to my group. and others attachment to it. and i can't decide whether it is bad or good to be very much involved and attached to something in that way. but the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that it is probably harder to go away from something like that, than to stay there. and i'm not saying that only because i've left in a way, but i am experiencing all this identity crysis at the same time that my ego ius performing to me. i mean in a way, saying to me...oh, you can't leave, you have a responsibility and you have a reputation in this group and the group will not be the same without you. which is all true from one side...but there is also the other side, where i'm currently standing and that's the side where i am noone and nobody, and i don't need a group to identify me and to give value to who i am, because all that is not important and it only distracts me. and if i am not getting positive vibes from that direction then it is surely better for me to stay where i'm now.
i know for certain that not anyone could do what i did. some people need to be identified by others, they need to be surrounded with other people because they have a certain role and they know how to behave. if they are left alone, they get scared, not knowing who they truly are. and i think everybody is afraid of that, but some deal with it, some don't. as for me i am certainly dealing with myself and no matter how hard it is at moments, i know for me this is a win win situation, because on the end it is me who shall prosper.

so, as i was saying at the beginning, attachment and detachment...not just to the group...but to people, things, places...it's a big step to go from one to another. i am not quite mastering it, but then again it is the path that matters not the goal. live, learn, love... goodbye and thanks for all the roses!

magic, stuff that wasn't made boring by science

they say he who seeks, he shall find....and how true that is. the great thing about this is, that if you're open enough you can find so many things you would never even imagine while searching for something completely different. well, i think it's magical. and magic is stuff that wasn't made boring by science i've read one day whilst passing camden market. hehehe, and how true.

i am re-discovering myself, passions, happiness, sun, rainbow...everything around me seems to be in order. well, i know it's stupid to say that, because of course everything IS in order, for there is no other way.

yesterday i was at capoeira class with mestre Axe. he is also a student of mestre No, just like my mestre. and i've enjoyed the trainning so much. i was smilling all the time. this is what makes me happy, makes me alive, makes me in touch with myself. it is only now that i am here that i've realised what i was missing and not even knowing. well, i knew what i had once, but i kind of just couldn't remember the feeling how was it before. before all the shit started to happen. i am still sad because some people don't seem to have any respect, but i am so happy that at least i got my capoeira back. i am gratefull, very gratefull. and that is exactly the thing i was talking about before, we find things we weren't even searching for. because i surely didn't come to London to do capoeira, but then i met Wilson and it all spontaneously led me to the capoeira class. thank you!

i don't know if it's because i'm all high on painkillers, but i am feeling so overwhelemed. so gratefull and happy and calm. there is nothing at this moment that could take away how i am feeling.

be gentle with yourself

today is a quiet day. my obstacles seem so clear at this moment. and they are that i want to go. i no longer wish to stay here in the environment i am at the moment. yesterday i realised how free one must feel when one loses the feeling of guilt, of owing something to others, of not being good enough...and just listens to himself and does what feels right for him, only him. i know there are always 3 truths...our own truth, truth of the other and The Truth, but we must surely always follow our own for it is our path and we have to follow in order to gain the experience we have come here to experience and then luckily learn from it with as little suffering as possible.

Sometimes I think people around me are far more advanced than I am, but the next moment i change my mind. I am struggling with this doubt all the time. but by the end of the day I say to myself, what does it matter where others are, or aren't..I mean really? how does it help me? I just think it's good to always leave the possibilities open and never dogmatically determine the surroundings you live in for you can miss something important for yourself. I just finally want to stop feeling guilty because of all these feeling I keep inside me. I think I unconciously told myself that I should no longer feel love towards certain people for it is not safe, and then I said I shouldn't feel angry, and sad and resentful...all these restrictions I've made for MYSELF just pushed me into some strange darkness of my own limitations and they are keeping me inside and I feel like I'm caught inside myself unable to breathe with ease. but now I realised all this is just a product of my own ideas and limiations and it is only me that can liberate myself from them. and that's great...cause I am my own maker, my own god.

make peace with yourself and wrap yourself with unconditional love...for that is the true meanning of your life.

fear

i seriously need to stop poisoning myself. but the fact is that i have no idea of who am i anymore...i just started to cry, out of nowhere...the cup just filled and tears started to pour down my face. i am scared. all that is happening to me, is it real or am i just living an illusion of something i want to believe in. but i don't even know what i believe anymore. i don't know anything anymore. the more i dig, the clearer things seem to appear at one moment...the next it hits me really hard as it just did and i crush! not even knowing why. at what point will i clearly distinguish where, what, when and why?

i know we have to attain consciousness all the time for it is not there to stay once you understand its meanning...but am i really so fragile that out of nowhere this pain and confusion and fear comes and just BANG takes me on the ground!? yeah, great excuse...it's just your ego....but obviously it still rules over me so strongly that i end up being all lost and crying like a baby. i feel so stupid sometimes because i'm so convinced that i've found something bigger which then hits me back with such a strong punch straight in my face that i can not recover for long time. and i know life consists of ups and downs, for if it would only go up...one could end as a monsterous creature of unimaginable size. maybe that's my problem...that i get so scared when i'm feeling down as if i've lost something i've already found and now it has been taken away from me...and that is exactly my ego talking!

we learn..every day, every minute we learn...if we want to of course. i am learning.... how to surrender....again i cry...for i don't know how to surrender, because i am scared. but the funniest thing is, i have no idea what am i scared of. can you think of a more stupid thing...being scared of not knowing what...

dear divine oneness....please let me surrender without fear....for i intend to search on....i am not giving up!

the question

what can i say... I guess the story works for me. but does it really? does suffering means that it works for me, for anyone? somehow I doubt that. i mean seriously, i am amazed over the enormous capacity of our body and mind that can take so much negativity and suffering. because we all know, we suffer as long as we can take it and as long as we don't learn the lesson. but if i am aware that i myself can change that condition which i do not feel pleasant in, why not do it? what am i waiting for. and why am i constantly adding new and new tests just to see if i'm already there. where? i don't know...where am i going? maybe that's the problem, cause i want to go somehere instead of just being here and now. sometimes i just have a feeling i can not resemble between my ego and the consciousness. ego is so very smart that it can fool you, and considering my life before i started to consciously listen and observe and i now know was etremely conditioned by ego, i sometimes suspect that my ego is still very much trying to convince me how i am not ready yet to be enlightened, that i have to wait a little more, to suffer a little more. but that all is in total contrast to what the truth is, that the only time one can be enlightened is here and now and nowhere else at any other time.

yesterday evening i realised that i am scared. and i started to almost cry, which i haven't done since long time. i am so scared, but the problem is that i don't know exactly of what. could it be, that i am scared of letting go all of what i now believe to be and to be free. if that is so, then i am certainly still deeply in my egoic mind which is trying to attach me to my story, to my conditioned state of living. you see, that is why i have to write my blog...because here my thoughts get clearer and i can easily see what's going on inside me. i'm not saying that i know the solution immediately, but it certainly helps to audit what is going on within me. so, now i have to work on my fear. they say, one should do at least one thing that scres you every day. today i did one, but afterwards i wasn't feeling any better, actually i was feeling worse, as if all past fears and pain and feelings would come back. so now i don't know if i did that because i wanted to free myself from that fear, or because i am still clinging on my past and am not capable of letting go. i don't know how to let go, i don't know how to accept the now....i just don't know.

and then on the other hand...these wierd things are happening to me. i've had an experience that i don't know how to describe. it happened to me a couple of times before already, and yesterday again. it usually happens when i'm in bed. the thing i find strange is, that i thought this can only happen when one is totally present and without thoughts in his mind. but i wasn't in that state, i was full of fears, doubts, thoughts, pain....and suddenly i felt as if i am not present in my body. i didn't feel where my body is, couldn't find it. i knew of course that i'm on my bed, but when i was trying to locate it with my senses...i just wasn't there. as if my consciousness would move out of my body and float somewhere across the room. it felt funny and strange, but at the same time it was an overwhelming experience. and i didn't want to return to my body. i tried a couple of times, but every time i got close to returning i sort of stopped. because the truth is i didn't want to go back. and now i'm asking myself why i didn't want to go back? and it's a damn good question.

small is big, and big is small

today my pain body arose from within me. i think it already was preparing since yesterday but i didn't let it! i'm having insomnia again so i am weak and easily my mood can change. so therefore i am fully attent of what's going on inside me.
i realised something this very moment. i am open like a book to anyone that wants to read me. i've read somewhere that when you fully open yourself and show all your strenght and weakness, nothing can hurt you anymore. i believe that, so i have no problem in writting these posts here. but i know a lot of people do. they hide themselves behind masks of various types and forms. someone said to me, i can as might as well hide behind mine if i want...but i think he was wrong. it doesn't matter anyways, because nothing is really important. yesterday my capoeira mestre said a thing to me, that made me laugh. he said i should be ashamed of not participating in various events, because i think they are not important. hahaha, and i was thinking to myself...oh, how right you are mestre, nothing really IS important and the least my participation there. but how could he even know that, capoeira is his life, his daily meditation, his bread and his breath..his ego feeds on that. i really love him so much. and i also know why, because the more i'm coming at peace with myself, the less important his presence and that of others is becoming. because i do not let the collective conciousness deceive my real being. it just is as it is.

and one of the important lessons today besides staying consciouss about pain body rising was that i have to practice what i learn on little things. because it's easier and i can then easier overcome failures that come now and then. i was always trying to master what i read on biggest issues i momentarily have...and of course i failed at times. and failure consequently takes the enthusiasm away and energy...and then we all know what happens....kachiiing, the ego comes back and the voices in your head start controlling you ;)

well, as for my last thought today i will just finish with....rammmmm da.

lessons we learn

as i said before, there comes a time for everyone, when one is ready to accept the truth and the beauty of life. noone should be worried about others if he sees that people around are suffering because they are unconcious about life, if they don't understand that nothing really matters because everything is exactly as it is supossed to be, and that the only way we can change anything is if we create life in this very moment of now.
i'm amazed. amazed how beautiful my life is, and by learning from my actions every day. when i think i already mastered something, i put myself on a test. yes, it's true we always put ourselves on tests, us alone, nobody else is doing that. people in the situations are only actors of the movie we ourselves are directing. they are not really important. but because we give them importancy, we experience those situations as bad or good, or whatever. but the moment we realise that everything is honored but nothing really matters, and all people around are just teachers that are teaching us OUR own lesson about ourselves, in that moment we can be free from suffering.
and as long as we unconciously pull the energy from others, because we want to feel fullfilled by others instead by ourselves, we will never be calm and peacefull within. because it is a totally misinterpreted approach.

just two days ago i've had another test. i know i created it, and i learned one more thing. what others think about us, doesn't matter. i mean why should it matter? usually we care about others people opinion, when we care about someone. that is because we are energetically connected with that person and we exchange energies. but when we stop that, it doesn't matter anymore. think about it, do you care about what a guy from other part of the world thinks about you? no, because you don't have any interactions with him, and your ego can not feed on his energy. i mean of course we are all part of oneness, but ego feeds on energies of people close to him. and when we are conscious enough to manage to recognize when someone is taking our energy and tries to feed on us, we are also able to cut the connections. and therefore close our energy field for that person. as it is written in celestinian prophecy there are 4 roles in human interactions for power and control. and if we are aware of those roles, we can also consciously deny to play those roles if someone tries to put us in one of them. because power and control are only a reflection of insecure ego that needs to be fed.

and to finish today's post i have to say something. my blog exists for the meere purpose of unfolding of what's going on inside me, and it is not intended for mass popular dispersion among people that know me or not. i think nobody reads it anyway, i don't care if anyone reads it or not, because as far as i am concerned it reaches it's purpose when i write what lies on my mind and press the post button. i've realised that people sometimes get the wrong impression about my blog. it is completely understood, since not everyone has this habit of expressing themselves through writting. but blogs are like personal diaries. and if someone recognises themselves inside my writtings, it is not my fault or anyones fault. i usually don't use names, and when i do, i know it is harmless otherwise i rather avoid it. i hope that if anyone reads my blog, they can be open enough to accept it and maybe think about what i have to say, and maybe...try to gaing something good and inspiring out of it. afterall, we are all students of life.

moč in nadzor

Četrto spoznanje po celestinski prerokbi je vpogled v bitko za moč in energijo. Konflikti med ljudmi izvirajo iz potrebe po vladanju in nadzoru nad drugimi. V pogovoru z drugim je lahko človek močnejši ali šibkejši, odvisno od tega, ali je v pogovoru prevladal, ali ne. Temu se reče manipulacija. Vse se vrti okoli iskanja načina nadzora, ki bo zagotovil nadmoč nad drugim. To je ves razlog nesmiselnih sporov tako med posamezniki, kot med narodi. Najbolj problematični so te relacije v odnosih staršev do otrok, saj se po tej liniji škodljivi vzorci obnašanja (kraje energije) nezavedno prenašajo iz roda v rod. Po energiji hlepimo zato, ker nas to navdaja z ugodjem in občutkom varnosti. Energetsko telo enega človeka poizkuša zaposesti telo drugega. Na ta način si škodujemo in si krajšamo življenja, vendar pa kratkoročno zmaga prinese motivacijo, ki nas spodbuja k še večjemu nadzoru nad drugimi. Ko posameznik doseže, da se energija poslušalcev steka vanj, se izraža z veliko lahkoto in misli ima kristalno jasne, ima občutek moči, a darilo ne traja dolgo, saj imajo ljudje omejeno energijo. Torej, kraja energije je posledica občutka negotovosti in šibkosti ter boljšega počutja, ko jo dobimo. Se pravi, da četrto spoznanje razgalja veliko tekmovanje za energijo in moč.



Try to be more understanding. The power of the mind lies in perceiving differences; the power of the heart lies in perceiving similarities. Which power are you using?

there is no such thing as coincidence

do not dwell on your past for it is a meere illusion. i am laughing at all these spiritual saying because they are simply too simple for me to get them. i am happy. i am happy, because i've already have had this glimpses of concious being and i know that it is not impossible to get there again. but i am observing what is going on with me inside and i find it so interesting, because i'm almost as a perfect learning example of all that which i am reading about. i know now, that some of the things that happened in the past if they happened to me now, i would probably try to handle and react to them differently and that i think is a progress. but thinking about it, i had to go through all that for reaching the point i am at now. otherwise i would probably not understand.

these past few days when Patri was here, were so fulfilling. i have never imagined that we have both grown so much and in the same time reached the same state of conciousness. it was truly an overwhelming experience and i feel even more connected with her now. but the other side of this time that i spent with her was that, when she was gone i realised that there are so many people around me, that don't know that side of me. i know it is my fault i guess, because i kinda judge people in sense that i decide whether they are open enough to be able to accept all that i have learned about our conciousness and our ego and everything else. and if i think they are not, i simply don't talk about it with them. i guess that's also okay in a way. because everybody has to personally grow and the transformation starts when one is ready. as it started for me. but the thing is that it's so stupid, that for many of us it has to be something really hard and painfull to wake you up and make you think about all his. well, now i know that pain is mostly our unconcious state and the painfull it is, more unconcious you are about life. and by knowing that, you also know that it is only you that can change that if you want of course. and i surely know i want to get rid of it.

i fucking love my life!!!

DAILY MEDITATION ON THE DAY OF MY BIRTH:

Let your love flow outward through the universe, To its height, its depth, its broad extent, A limitless love, without hatred or enmity. Then as you stand or walk, Sit or lie down, As long as you are awake, Strive for this with a one-pointed mind; Your life will bring heaven to earth. - Sutta Nipata

my way

they say that we must first try to understand who we are not, because it's easier to realise then who we ARE. but saying what i'm not, doesn't necesarily means it's really who i am..because it can also be that i don't want to be all that, but i really am. or by saying what i'm not i already define and abolish that what i'm not? hmm, i don't know...is this my ego again?
i'm playing this funny game inside my head lately...it's called recognise the ego and abolish it! hahaha..seriously, what's going on inside my head is a crazy ride with loads of blind passengers! but i manage somehow to overcome myself and on the end it's a win-win situation...since darkness can never survive in presence of the light. that's a meere fact and it calms me down, because i know that light is within me and i'm the one that can decide whether it will shine or descend. i have the power within me.

Eckhart talks about pain body. that's what happened to me today.. it arose from within and i was fighting with it all day. i know, i know..i'm not supossed to fight it, but i don't know yet in practice how to embrace it and observe it, without identificating with it. i guess that was my today's lecture. and what i've learned from it? well, that light always prevails over darkness...because it happened on the end. and despite the fact that i can not sleep right now...i know myway is the right way, and it's the exact way i've chosen to walk on. no matter what happens to me...i will accept it and learn from it.

being

I want to share the silence inside me that i've found in the past few weeks. but how does a person share silence, inner peace and all that vastness of life. it is truly almost impossible. but yet i feel it has to be shared. since yesterday i reached certain point in my life, where i don't understand myself anymore, but yet i am calm, cause i know it is okay the way that i feel.
Eckhart Tolle is a great man, great spiritual teacher. i would reccomend his work to anyone. but i know at the same time, that not everyone is ready for what he has to say. and that actually bothers me and worries me, cause i want people to know all about what i know now. how our lives are driven by our ego and we are puppets, unconcious puppets on strings of ego. but that we can also free ourselves from that. i believe that anyone that is ready will find it's way to free himself. but at this point i am also in a great doubt what to do. i will explain what i mean. since i've come to aknowledge that my ex boyfriend has had two girls already after we split up, i've kind of became worried. i don't know why. maybe cause i think i know him and i have a feeling that he is somehow lost himself in this sensless race of life that he gained after we split up. i say gained because that's how i think he thinks. but now, after all that i've been through i watch all his actions from a distance and i am honestly worried about him. i still love him, but not as i did before. and that's why i want to just hold him still and say to him...hey!! stop for a moment and look what you're doing to yourself. it is not the fact that he jumps from one woman to another and all inside a very small group of people that worries me, but the people that he chooses. i know, i have no right to judge others but as i still care about him, i want to tell him something, anything...just to rethink his doings, before he will realise and it will be too late. i feel that he is lost. but at the same time i know he would probably not understand whyt i want to say to him, because i am to him just one of his ex-girlfriends.

why do i want to do that? i don't know. i have no idea. and why i reacted totally different when i realised about one person that is now his girlfriend, and the other that was with him 2 months ago. how is it possible that i freaked out at the first one, and i hugged the other one?? what happened to me? what is going on inside me? all this processes are so deep that i can not understand them. Eckhart said that it's good when one loses himself, meanning not knowing who he or she is...because then you can free yourself from your ego. because you don't identify yourself with forms anymore. is this what's happening to me? i doubt that, because i think i still need more time and that i'm not ready or mature yet..but then again this is au contrare of what he is saying. time is not the issue...actually it is, because you must not wait for something to happen, because it is only now that is happening in this creative moment.

anyways, i started singing again. i am back. and i feel alive. isn't that enough?